The Desolation of the franchise

Rating: 5/10 (6 May 2015)

After being somewhat let down by the first Hobbit film, I was still somewhat interested in seeing Smaug in the second. It's not every day you see a wonderfully arrogant British dragon talking down to others. As expected, Smaug is the highlight, while the rest of the film is hampered by the same issues that held the first outing back.
We pick up where we left off, with Gandalf, Bilbo and the dwarfs on the road to Erebor in order to reclaim it from Smaug. On the way, they split up, with Gandalf heading to Dol Guldur and the dwarfs entering Mirkwood, a forest filled with huge spiders. They narrowly escape, but are captured by elves, including a familiar face (Legolas) and a new one (Tauriel). They are brought before Legolas's father, the king Thranduil. Naturally, with tensions between dwarfs and elves always being high, this 'meeting' goes less than well. Thorin remembers very well how the elves refused to help when they were driven out of Erebor by Smaug. Meanwhile, the dwarf Kili and the elf Tauriel develop something of a romance, further complicating matters. Bilbo, using the ring, helps the dwarfs escape using empty wine barrels and floating down the river. Legolas and Tauriel give chase, but are forced to aid the dwarfs when orcs show up. After a somewhat boring sequence involving Lake-Town, Bilbo and the rest (excluding a now wounded Kili) resume their march toward Erebor wondering, like me, if they'll find something worth paying an admission ticket for.
And they do find it, more or less, in the form of Smaug, a deliciously cocky dragon voiced by Benedict Cumberbatch. It's the kind of villain where you relish every line he utters. It's all very quotable. Unfortunately, even if you haven't read the book (like me), you immediately know that Smaug's pride and arrogance will prove to be his downfall. The only thing left to do then is cherish the scenes where he mocks the protagonists, etc. A scene I really like is when Thorin and the rest lay a trap for Smaug. Thorin lures him by (what else?) insulting him and claims how they'll have their revenge. I won't tell you what the trap entails, but needless to say, it doesn't work and Smaug consequently mocks the notion that they could have their revenge: "Revenge? Revenge!? I will show you revenge!" It's hard to put into words, but it's one of Smaug's more badass moments.
So Smaug is fun to watch, but the rest of the film is either boring, suffers from uninteresting storytelling and dialogue or features poor CGI. A lot of the action scenes, like the river chase, just don't look good. It really feels like 90% of the budget went into Smaug. This effect is only increased by the over-the-top choreography. Whenever Legolas is fighting, he jumps, he slides, he flips and he just looks blurry. The same goes for the attempts to inject the action with humor, like when Bombur (the fat one) pirouettes in one of the barrels with his axes sticking out, thus killing any approaching orcs. Though funny, it also reduces the tension drastically. The romance between Kili and Tauriel was also uninvolving. Rather than feeling for them, it felt like the requisite romance, like Aragorn and Arwen in the original trilogy. But maybe it'll pay off in the third film. Another wasted opportunity is Beorn, the 'skin-changer' who shelters Gandalf and the rest at the beginning of the film. He has his monologue about how orcs killed his kind and how he's the last one, but I'm just rolling my eyes thinking 'who cares?' Reading the book would've probably helped when relating to him, but that's just an excuse. The film itself has to be capable of at least making you sympathize with him. As it is, Beorn just feels like a throwaway character. Lake-Town is also uninteresting. Not only does Stephen Fry in the role of the mayor feel incredibly out of place, it's all just really unengaging, a problem exacerbated by little things that don't make sense. So, you're trying to sneak out of Lake-Town with a whole bunch of stolen swords and you're letting Kili, who's injured by an arrow to the leg, carry the swords? Well, gee, I hope he doesn't trip or anyth—oh wait, he just fell down and the racket caused by the swords has woken up all of Lake-Town. Well done, guyswell done.
Problems, problems It's interesting looking back on these two films and seeing how much they differ from the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Of course, the scale is smaller overall, but they just 'feel' different, in the same way that the Star Wars prequel trilogy feels different and that's not a good thing. You know it's bad when you're looking at the trailer for The Battle of the Five Armies and all you're really thinking is 'let's just get it over with'.