The Desolation of Tolkien! - The Main Course arrives and it tastes off..

Rating: 5/10 (16 December 2013)

Almost everything that needs to be said this film has already been said, not just now but last year when the whole 'three epics' plan was unveiled.
Of course it is ridiculous to extend a simple 300 page fairy story (not an insult to call it that, being a staunch Campbellian) to three 3 hour movies and to try and inject it with a lot of fake gravitas and importance not fitting or suitable to the subject. The producers know this, and Peter Jackson knows it too. Jackson strived for years to make the ultimate motion picture experience of Tolkien's classic, and it worked, and at a decades remove it is now rightly a touchstone of popular culture on a par with Star Wars and Star Trek, and will probably remain so forever. He has done what he needed to, there is nowhere left for him to go now, nothing left for him to prove. Gulliermo Del Toro was given Jackson's blessing to make the most incredible movie of 'The Hobbit', but things went south and New Line went to him to make a 'product' and that is what he has made. There is almost no guile in this project, no hiding behind claims of art of reinvention. This is 'Peter Jackson's shameless cash grab' pure and simple.
The way that ridiculous action scenes and contrived 'dramas' of the cheesiest and most shop-worn kind are shoehorned into the narrative is literally laughable. One moment someone will be having a discussion or a little scene from the book, then suddenly doors will slam open and hundreds of Orcs will rush in and a stupid 10 minute fight scene will ensue complete with cod-heroic music to complement the cod-heroics and embarrassing dialogue! The book will flow, then suddenly two characters will start engaging in a long winded, stomach churning romance that would shame even the most shameless teen fiction! It is almost like watching a parody of fantasy action made by Mel Brooks, the Zucker brothers or the South Park team. Jackson must know how ridiculous it all is, and perhaps that is his big in-joke, rather like how the once great Ridley Scott has been increasingly delighting in extracting the urine from audiences and critics with celluloid 'fingers' like 'Robin Hood' 'Prometheus' and 'The Counsellor'. I don't know if the producers know or even care? They are just out to make as much buck as they can, and it's working.
In no way can episode 1, or this instalment be considered an adaptation of 'The Hobbit', hence the ire of fans on this site and beyond. One positive however is once 'The Lord of the Rings prequels' are completed next year, there will be room to make a REAL version of the novel at some point, and that will no doubt be the film fans have always dreamed of and that Tolkien's masterpiece deserves. As for these 'films', the best way to enjoy them is either as straight up fantasy actioners (if you have no sense of irony) or as delirious camp burlesque parodies of all the tropes 'LOTR' embodied.
As to the film itself, the Dwarfs we met in the first film have literally melded into a composite whole, and Bilbo has become a spectator in the story. Apart from his two 'in the book' heroic moments (slaying spiders and taunting a big dragon) he does virtually nothing. Legolas is drawn back, though his inclusion is not so egregious as some others. Along for the ride is Tauriel (the very lovely Evangeline Lilly) who has the same role 'expanded Arwen' did in 'LOTR', ie to add some oestrogen and some romance to a story that had none. She is the standard D&D 'hot sassy bow slinging action Elf in a tight outfit' sex fantasy and does plenty of bow slinging and sexy orc slaying, then gets involved in aforementioned 'absurd romance' with one of the dwarfs (Kili) that leads to equally absurd 'romantic triangle' with Legolas who has the Elvin hots for her. Which will we she choose? 'Team Kili' or 'Team Legolas'? Does anybody care? Does Jackson care if anybody cares?
Ridiculous time killing action scenes include the barrel escape from the Woodland Elves castle, which has been expanded into a 20 minute never ending parade of action so utterly absurd it can only be meant as parody. Equally dumb is the chase involving the titular dragon Smaug. Smaug is voiced and motion captured by Benedict Cumberbatch, and is not bad considering he was what the entire trilogy was being sold on! Well animated and a credible 'intelligent' Dragon with impeccable English manners, he plays out his 'in book' scene with Bilbo nicely, then has to take part in a stupid 25 minute 'chase' around the mines in which (A) it is so easy for him to kill his enemies that he literally doesn't bother (B) an over elaborate scheme to fire up furnaces to melt gold to cast a giant statue that will distract Smaug and then melt instantly, drowning him in a lake of boiling gold. No spoiler to say that after all that he just brushes himself off, gets flustered and flies off to 'show them what he does when he's angry!', or rather he will next Xmas because the film ends there!
Nice additions to cast include Luke Evans as Bard (now popular revolutionary instead of Captain of the guard) and Stephen Fry as the pompous and self-important town headman, (perfect casting?) as well as Lee Pace making for an equally vain and self-interested Elvin King Thranduil, the slimy isolationist to Tauriel's hardy interventionist.
We've had the starter (OK) and the main course (Tolerable) and so now we just have to wait another year for the desert! Can you contain your anticipation?