The Good, The Bad and the Smaugly

Rating: 7/10 (23 April 2014)

TL;DR: Looked great again, more action this time, plot changes sucked some more. More entertaining overall than the first one.
Score: Seven Wilhelm Screams out of Ten.
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PLOT SPOILERS ABOUND. IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT AND WANT TO, STOP READING NOW.
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The Good: Clint Eastwood. No, that's not it. What was it? Oh yes, another feast for the senses, everything visually spot on. Elvish mixed hand-to-hand and ranged combat was delightful if slightly belief-straining, and Orlando's snowboarding skills were actually tolerable, perhaps even... dare I say it? *cool* this time around.
Bard has been transformed from a mysterious, strong, silent type hero into an intensely likable, quietly desperate Robin Hood-type smuggler who hides the secret to killing the dragon. Luke Evans is a pleasant surprise in a sure breakout role. Lorewise, Bard becomes King of Dale. Which could indicate he inspired Aragorn's back story when Tolkien wrote him into LoTR at Bree and had no idea who he was.
The Bad: Lee Van Cleef? No... Angel Eyes? No, not him either... Something about an eye... Oh yes, the eye of Sauron, nay, *Sauron himself* shows up to hand Gandalf his arse and clap him in irons! Of course, Sauron's been behind the rise of Orc activity all along, how could he not? Uh... No.
Sigh... What to say about this version of Beorn. Meeting Beorn was supposed to be another of Gandalf's master classes in diplomacy; once the niceties of introductions are over and decorum satisfied, his house becomes a haven where Bilbo actually feels safe. Beorn, like most bears, can be grumpy if not approached with care, but is cheery enough once he warms to you. In the morning when you rise, he speaks with tears of joy in his eyes of the goblins he hunted last night. Instead we get a couple of minutes of a freaky ex-slave who's supposed to be the last of his kind and only grudgingly helps the dwarfs because he hates their common enemy.
So what content replaces that, which is nowhere in the book? The amazingly extended interview with the titular dragon and the ensuing climactic chase under the mountain. More rumblings of a coming war, Kili's romance with a freshly-invented Elf who brings him back from death's door with Athelas. Amazing how she did it -- complete with magical Elf glow -- when, glow as she might, Arwen failed with Frodo; it took Elrond to save him. Maybe Morgul shafts aren't as lethal as Morgul blades. Oh, I know! It's because Kili is Mitchell the vampire from Being Human, eerily even younger-looking now than in that show. Well, if this brush with death plucked at heartstrings, what happens at the end of movie three will just be brutal. Or not, if they blow off the book for that part, too.
More hostile encounters between Dwarfs and Elves. The book contrasts Elrond, who sees the big picture of events taking place in Middle-Earth and gives the Dwarfs a festive welcome, with insular Thranduil, who is suspicious of all intruders and imprisons the Dwarfs indefinitely for not being open with him. These movies show both Elf Lords holding Dwarfs beneath contempt and only softens that with an apocryphal love story.
The Ugly: It's okay Tuco, you can go; this'll take a while. Orcs everywhere. Azog reporting directly to Sauron, summoned by Bolg, who seems here to be another lieutenant instead of Azog's son. Again, Azog is supposed to have died years before Bilbo meets Thorin and Co. Sauron must be behind him still being around, too! And, as Azog boasts, they are legion; so... Orcs in Dol Guldur, Orcs swarming the Wood Elves, Orcs in Esgaroth -- hey, Elves in Esgaroth too! Pew! Pew! Watch out Bolg, Legolas is tunnelling you like a boss. And Stephen Ure, amazing actor, but I can pick him out from among hordes of Orcs now.
And now... Smaug, or as he appears in this movie, *Deathwing the Destroyer 2.0.* Because, since World of Warcraft liberally plagiarized Howard Shore's Fellowship of the Ring Score, Smaug can use Deathwing's signature glowing molten belly, right? Speaking of bellies, wasn't Smaug's belly supposed to be encrusted with gems and jewelry from having plunked it down on his hoard for so many years? Yes, actually. That was what made him arrow-proof to begin with. And at first blush, his belly did appear to be somewhat glittery-golden... but that was just a trick of the light. His belly is bare and pasty but smolders and glows just like Deathwing's when he takes... wait for it... *Deep Breaths.* Those of us familiar with the story might wonder, "What, in the absence of a gem corset, is the chink in Smaug's scaly armour?" In the movie, it's the space left by a scale knocked off by a "Black Arrow". And what's that? Well, it's a giant, stubby, straightened iron fishhook, fired from a Dwarf-engineered, tower-mounted ballista. Uh huh. And to think the book has him dropped, felled, yea, *slain* with a single ordinary arrow. OKAY, SO IT WAS, ACTUALLY, BLACK. But still, a regular arrow shot from a hand-held bow at ground level. Town level. Water platform thingy. Whatever.
Finally, on a darker note (uh... well, not darker than a Black Arrow actually), that scene at the beginning looked suspiciously like _The Quest of Erebor._ Which could open up a whole 'nother can of worms.