This Movie Stinks: Anecdotal Evidence

Rating: 2/10 (3 April 2014)

By presenting just a handful of illustrations, I'll explain why this movie is no fun for anyone, unless you're a four year old.
Let's start off by saying that I'm not considering the books here, or how accurate the movies are. I'm just in it for the way overdone Peter Jackson Hollywood experience.
Having said that, this movie stinks. It makes very little sense, plus it looks like crap. Here's why.
1. Legolas' magic robot horse - First of all, there's the Legolas vs. bald orc leader boy who looks like Angela Merkel supposedly epic boss battle scene. The two get into what has to be the most uninteresting fight in Peter Jackson history. However, luckily for the viewers, it's over quite soon as the bald Merkel dude decides he's got better things to do and rides away on a warg. This makes sense when you consider the fact that the area was crawling with troops of orcs on wargs. But then, out of nowhere, Legolas ends up on the back of a golden boy horse in hot pursuit of Merkelboy. So first off, where on earth did this magic horse come from (and why don't I have one)? But most importantly, PJ includes this 'cool' Legolas on horse filmed from the front shot, portraying Legolas as the hair in the wind hero saving the day, but the only thing you can really look at in that particular scene is a horse that looks like a robot on steroids. Swingin' a miss, PJ.
2. Look, behind you - I'm almost embarrassed to say this, but you know the classic Hollywood trick where the bad guy almost catches and finishes off the good guy but then someone comes around the corner and yells "Hey bad guy, I'm behind you" and then the bad guy turns around and forgets what he was doing and leaves the good guy to run off and save the day? PJ must love that convenient little trick because it's in this film as well. And the funniest part is that when the distracting group of dwarfs calls out Smaug to turn around, they are at the opposite end of a huge hollowed out mountain and, in fact, in no position to harm him or do anything important to help the group of dwarfs that Smaug was after in the first place – unless, of course, distracting Smaug and having their friends run off. So, our cute villain dragon has absolutely no reason to turn his attention to the distracting group, but of course he does because PJ can't do anything right in this movie.
3. Lame go pro action - In what can only be described as the most nonsensical scene in Hollywood history, the cheeky dwarfs (who look like regular sized people in 90% of the movie) work their way around their enemies by floating down a river in barrels, all the while filming their nerdy action with go pro cameras attached to the barrels (go pro cams, really PJ?). They have neatly lined up the exact number of barrels to fit every dwarf. Then, after the most unbelievable scene of a dwarf jumping from riverbank to riverbank and killing an entire army of orcs just by rolling over them in his barrel, he decides he wants to get back in the water with his dwarf friends and so he jumps back into the river without even looking. As it turns out, even though there was only one barrel per dwarf just one minute ago, out of magical nowhere, an empty barrel ended up floating between the other dwarfs. Needless to say, the jumping action dwarf lands right into it without a scratch (even though, as anyone knows who ever tried to jump into an inflatable ring when he was a kid, this is the hardest thing to ever pull off). Where did that barrel come from and how often has the dwarf practiced jumping into inflatable rings as a kid? And since when are there inflatable rings in the Dwarf regions of Middle Earth?
4. Smaug's to do list - OK spoiler up ahead: this is about the movie's ending. So, the seven dwarfs are facing Smaug and undo this huge golden dwarf statue from its rocky prison. Then, as the gold melts (which, as all the streams of gold in the movie by the way, looks like a milkshake gone bad), it covers Smaug and, oh heavens no, Smaug is hurt and angry. However, just before this happened, Smaug had decided to fly over to some village to release his reign of terror. This makes sense, because even fire breathing dragons need activities to fill the day. But, at this point he had just been attacked and put through this cozy looking, but certainly life threatening golden shower. So shouldn't he be angry and like, attack the seven dwarfs and their Aragorn rip off leader, who, by the way, is hanging in mid air right in front of Smaug. I mean, in one five-second move he could easily wipe out all these dwarfs. For instance, he could pick up a rock from the huge pile in front of him and throw it at them. Or he could, you know, use his fire spewing abilities. But none of that, because Smaug has a to do list to attend to, so he leaves the dwarfs behind (amid all his treasures and riches - !!) and just flies off. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
5. Legolas is the coolest guy in the movie even though Legolas is in fact the suckiest character in film history, you know, always ending up in scenes he doesn't belong in, staring off into the distance.
In short, this movie is stupendous and you should not waste your time watching it. Ever.