The Hobbit 3: A Not Very Serious Summary

Rating: 4/10 (15 February 2015)

Right, so Smaug is destroying Laketown. Wait a minute, is this really the start of the movie? Because it looks rather like the end. Do we really have to see another 2.5 hours of this? Anyway, Fili, Kili, Tauriel and a bunch of kids are trying to escape while Bard is locked up in a cell. Never mind how he got there, he escapes in a most improbable sequence of events and goes after Smaug. This really does look like the end of the movie.
Dwarfs mournfully looking into the distance. Lots of dramatic mumbling. Bard shoots an arrow at Smaug. Hey, he actually hits him! Wait a minute. So we're not even 10 minutes into the movie and Smaug is already dead? What's the point of the remaining 2 hours and 15 minutes?
More dramatic mumbling and a pathetic attempt at interspecies romance when Kili and Tauriel need to part ways because Because I don't know, but it builds tension, okay? Apparently "winter is coming" - I wasn't aware this was Game of Thrones. Meanwhile, Thorin has found the dragon's gold and it's time for a group hug, but not for long because the Arkenstone still hasn't been found. Flashback where we learn that Bilbo has the Arkenstone (he stole it in the prequel, apparently).
Well, this scene is most definitely not in the book. Galadriel rescues a dying Gandalf from something, and promptly fondles him while ringwraiths attack them, and Saruman and Elrond defend them. There's also something going on with the wizard who likes to consume vast quantities of mushrooms, but I'm not quite sure what - maybe the whole scene is him hallucinating (which would make sense), or he's having a vision, or he's just there for some reason. Sauron's eye appears and rehashes dialogue from LOTR. Galadriel dispatches him by going all Dark Elf of Evil on him and Sauron has an epileptic fit then disappears.
Some nice shots of Aoraki and Ruapehu as we switch back to the dwarfs and Thorin's little Arkenstone problem. Nice guilty face, Bilbo. We learn that things would get worse if Thorin had the Arkenstone, though I'm not quite sure why. I think it's got something to do with greed. The refugees from Laketown seek refuge in the mountain, but the dwarfs don't really want to share. During the night, Legolas's father arrives on his elk with an army so he can attack the mountain and get a share of the gold too. Meanwhile, Thorin walls himself inside because he's greedy and doesn't care that there's about 12 dwarfs inside, with no food apart from a massive pile of gold (which mustn't taste very good) and a couple of thousand people and elves outside.
Oh. Apparently Thorin is expecting help from other dwarfs. Meanwhile, Legolas's father plans to attack at dawn. Gandalf is back and says orcs want to attack the mountain too. Must be the most coveted mountain in New Zealand. I wouldn't be surprised if the fifth army turned out to be Asian tourists.
Bilbo gives the Arkenstone to Legolas's father so he can bargain with Thorin. Thorin refuses because his army of dwarfs has arrived, aaaand it looks like they just started a war. The leader of the dwarfs is riding a hog because why not. Just as the dwarfs and elves are about to fight, these tower-sized worms sprout out of the ground and start eating them. I'm. Not. Kidding. This movie gets weirder by the minute. Anyway, the orcs have now arrived, and the battle begins for real. I'm still waiting for the army of Asian tourists though.
Dramatic and sad music plays while Thranduil rides across the battlefield with orcs speared onto his elk's antlers. Thorin jumps onto the back of a goat which just happened to be wandering across the battlefield, and goes off with Fili and Kili to challenge Bad Guy Azog. Legolas and Tauriel return (I didn't miss them, did you?) and announce the arrival of the fifth army, who are not Asian tourists but more orcs. Thranduil finally realises that wars have casualties and decides to just, well, go home.
Fili dies, Kili is in danger, Tauriel runs to join him. Legolas latches onto the legs of a giant bat and flies away because Because, okay? He joins Tauriel, Kili and the others in the fight. Kili saves Tauriel's life and dies in the process. By dies, I mean reeeeeeaaaaaaallllllllyyyyyy slowly dies, with lots of slow-motion gazes into Tauriel's eyes. Legolas runs to save the Tauriel.
The mushroom wizard joins the battle on the Eagles of Deus Ex Machina. Thorin finally kills Bad Guy Azog by, um, throwing him under the ice of a frozen lake. Oh, wait! In a "surprising" twist, Azog jumps back through the ice and puts a sword through Thorin's chest. Apparently Thorin suffers from Boromir Syndrome because that doesn't kill him and with the last of his strength, he kills Azog. Yay! Bilbo reaches Thorin and they have a deathbed chat, which I'm sure is meaningful and emotional and all, but unfortunately, I don't speak mumble. 3 minutes and 42 seconds after getting stabbed in the chest, Thorin finally dies and everyone has a good cry about it.
Tauriel, after a small bout of interspecies necrophilia (i.e. she kisses Kili's corpse), goes home. The war appears to be over, though I'm not quite sure who won it - clearly not the orcs, but was it the humans? The dwarfs? The elves? Anyway, time for a New Zealand tourism ad as Bilbo walks home. Is this the end? No, there's still 20 minutes to go. Those 20 minutes prove to be quite useless as Bilbo gets back to the Shire, and maliciously fingers the Ring before the movie cuts to a scene from LOTR. The End.
Well, that's three hours of my life I'm not getting back.