A Visual Feast, But Changes Jarring to Longtime Readers

Rating: 6/10 (23 April 2014)

TL;DR version: Looked good, plot changes sucked. Score: Six Wilhelm Screams out of Ten.
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PLOT SPOILERS ABOUND. IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT AND WANT TO, STOP READING NOW.
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True to form, Peter Jackson's take on Middle Earth looked beautiful. On the whole, he got a lot right. The correct pronunciation of "Smaug" got me excited, and the plate-breaking song made me cry; it was incredible that they kept it in, given that they glossed over all the Old English saga-style poetry in LoTR. The maps taken from Tolkien's originals, the attention to detail with the runes and the different languages, all perfect as usual.
The dwarfs were somewhat overdone and somewhat underdone. If you see the dwarfs in this tale as rock star dwarfs, which really is what Thorin and his family and friends were among regular dwarfs, then I suppose they were all right. I didn't like Balin's beard, though. That's what the Lord of Moria looked like? And why were all their accents different? Scots, North England, Yorkshire... was the Dwarf Diaspora that widespread?
Neil Finn's take on Far over the Misty Mountains, "Song of the Lonely Mountain" is spot on -- moody, grim and sonorous. It's reminiscent of the version in the 1977 cartoon version of the Hobbit, but that's to be expected as they both take their atmospheric cues from the book. The name Neil Finn may not be familiar, but if you were in school in the 80s, chances were you heard him singing "Hey, now, hey now, don't dream it's over..." on the radio with his band, Crowded House.
Gollum, too, was spot on. Andy Serkis is an acting genius who is already revolutionizing entertainment through his own motion capture business. It's true that what we see of Gollum on the screen is rendered by computers; but every muscle of those haunting eyes, the snarling screwed-up nose, the creeping and capering, is sent to the computers from markers on Andy's face and body. And considering Andy Serkis in motion capture markers, tights and trainers was what Martin Freeman had to look at and emote to as Bilbo, his acting was pretty impressive too.
It was interesting to see Radagast in action, as the book merely mentions him in passing. The Wizards, or Istari, appear to be an earthbound rank of the Valar. The what? Lesser gods. Angels, if you will. Powerful masters of the elements. And, as beings closer to perfection than humans, damned forever by a single choice (Q.E.D.: Saruman). So really, bird poop on Radagast's face? For shame.
Elves: why so serious? In Tolkien, the elves led the dwarfs on their ponies across the river. On foot. Singing and teasing the dwarfs. Gracious and magnanimous hosts. None of this ridiculous racial paranoia and Hollywood macho posturing.
Giants are giant humanoids, not stone monstrosities. The book just says the dwarfs huddled under ledges and were miserable in the rain and damp while giants threw boulders at each other for fun. And then they moved on.
Azog's manhunt... um... dwarfhunt for Thorin rang so many alarms I barely noticed the Wargs were slightly better, more wolfish than hyena this time around. Barry Humphries as the Great Goblin was too good, and by that I mean he took the role from a blinking goiter-ridden morbidly obese savage who sees the Elven swords and yells "Beater and Biter!!!" To a tragic diva whose death actually had some, well, weight. Was Dame Edna really that bad? But back to the alarms. Here's a major mistake. In PJ's Middle Earth, goblins are scrawny little gits who live in caves under mountains and can't come out in the sun, while orcs are warriors on steroids who can hunt dwarfs day and night. But pick up any reference guide to Tolkien (a good one is J.E.A. Tyler's The Complete Tolkien Companion), look up "Goblins" and it'll probably say "See Orcs." Tyler's tome recounts that while Azog's orcs were indeed responsible for the murder of Thror and the desecration of his corpse, Azog himself was killed by another kinsman of Thorin's to avenge Thror... a few years before Thorin and Co. meet Bilbo.
So with Azog dead, how does that final scene really play out? The goblins chase Thorin and Co. from the mountain caves into the woods, where, without a tactical retreat available, they climb up some trees. The goblins make fun of them and build bonfires under the trees; Gandalf leaps out of the tree, intent on taking as many Goblins as he can with him into the afterlife. The eagles happen to be nearby and snatch him, the dwarfs and Bilbo up and whisk them away to safety. Deus ex machina? Tolkien liked it so much he used it again twice after that, without a moth or butterfly go-between. But guess what? These eagles, the Eagles of the North, are sentient. They have names. They can converse with people. In fact they're indebted to Gandalf for healing their leader who was shot by an orc with a poisoned arrow. So it's actually no accident that they're attracted to the commotion of an army of goblins lighting fires under trees, on one of which perches a revered friend whom they're eager to save.
But that's all sentimental rot and we really preferred the Bilbo-Thorin bromance anyway, and we want to see Thorin kill Azog in the big battle in movie 3, not Azog's son Bolg getting killed by some were-bear named Beorn.... Right?
Actually, no.