A Monumental Disappointment; A Tedious Shambles

Rating: 5/10 (15 December 2012)

It begins with a prologue (featuring Ian Holm and Elijah Wood, both looking rather waxy) that accomplishes very little other than delaying the start of the real story. This is followed by an incredibly lengthy introduction to the dwarfs, including the ostensibly heroic Thorin Oakenshield. After our hero (Martin Freeman) initially demurs (eating up more running time), he goes on an adventure, which includes, among other "delights": - A wizard with what appears to be bird dung on the side of his head; - Said wizard giving a hedgehog a contact high; - Said wizard riding in a rabbit-driven sleigh, which could have been effectively whimsical if the context weren't so dull; - Cameos by many of the major players in Lord of the Rings, for no very good reason; - Jarring colloquialisms like "It tastes like chicken" and "Out of the frying pan, into the fire"; - A major climactic battle fought in large part with flaming pine cones; - A vengeful orc with a metal claw for a hand, whose other noteworthy characteristic is paleness; - Slenderman (I think); - A goblin king who looks like Planetship from Battlefield Earth; - A lot of jokes, few of which are particularly funny; - A lot of dwarfs, few of whom are particularly well-defined as characters.
I could also add that Thorin Oakenshield was boring and unlikable, that Bilbo seems to disappear or is relegated to the background for sizable stretches of the film, that the special effects were shockingly weak at times, that virtually no one involved seemed to be passionate about their job, that the script was a lumpy mess, that Howard Shore clearly didn't put much work into writing any new music...
But I'll skip all that and just say I was very bored.