An Unbearable Journey

Rating: 1/10 (8 May 2013)

I hated pretty much everything about this movie, but here are the main points:
Expanding on Tolkien's mythology: Presumably, the reason you should "never trust an Elf!" (Gimli's line in TFotR) is because Elves turned their back on the Dwarfs when they were being attacked by Smaug? What were they expected to do against a dragon and why were they just standing there anyway? This is basically adding a whole new level of mythology. A no-no, unless it's an improvement and that's not the case here.
The dwarfs: They looked ridiculous to me and their behavior was annoying. But no dwarf was more off-putting than Thorin with his ludicrous fur-trimmed leather duster, Rob Zombie do and constant glowering. Ugh.
The introductory scene takes too long but, given all this time, you'd think Jackson would try and be more faithful to the book. But, no, he still manages to mangle it. Anyway, the next day, after Bilbo has decided not to go the day before (he wasn't really given the choice in the book), he justgoes. And it's very interesting that he's able to, on foot, overtake Gandalf and the dwarfs all riding along briskly on horseback. And when he does catch up, he's offered a pony, which he at first declines. Why? Bilbo had nothing against riding a pony.
Azog: The footnote springs to cinematic life and has a vendetta against Thorin. But the character in the LotR Appendix, for all of his two-pages of appearance and death at the hands of Dáin, is still more bad-ass than the video game reject in AUJ. Anyway, if Jackson wanted to go this route, it would have made more sense to just go with Azog's son Bolg, who will appear anyway.
Trolls: or, how to take an amusing sequence from the book and drain it of any humor whatsoever. Actually, that opinion applies to the whole movie. But, instead of Gandalf employing ventriloquism on the trolls and getting them to fight each other, Bilbo tells them the dwarfs have parasites and Gandalf gets to break a rock in two. Yawn.
Radagast: An utterly ridiculous and repellent visualization of another footnote character, with his ridiculous dying hedgehog, rabbit-drawn sleigh and poo-smeared face. But that's just my opinion. But why is he in the movie at all? To tell Gandalf about the Necromancer, I guess. But if Gandalf doesn't already know this (as he does in the book) where did he get the map and key from Thráin (Thorin's father) who (in the book) was a prisoner in Dol Guldur? Presumably, he wasn't in Dol Guldur in the movie. So where is he? It's basically glossed over. In any case, the very idea that Greenwood is turning into Mirkwood right before Radagast's eyes at the start of the movie just strikes me as a desperate and weak attempt to create a sense of urgency and menace. The spiders are even seen entering the forest as if to take up their positions. Also in any case, Gandalf's very reason for being in Middle Earth is to help combat the Necromancer (aka Sauron). For him not to know about his presence in Mirkwood is, sorry, just witless.
Apparent invulnerability: None of the protagonists get hurt in this movie. Stone giants fall on them, they get up. They fall a hundred feet, they just walk it off. Goblins (who, for some reason, are portrayed as distinct from orcs) attack in droves, they just cut them down like wheat. Thorin does later fall unconscious (from a blow that should have crushed his skull), but he later turns out none the worse for wear. Even if these characters weren't profoundly irritating, why should I care about them if they're not in any danger? And enough with the fake deaths. Did anyone watching this really fear the titular character might fall to his death halfway through his own movie?
Riddles in the "Dark": Finally, some resemblance to the book, except even here there are details changed for no good reason. And couldn't they have toned down the lighting just a bit more to give some impression of darkness? As for Gollum himself, it's hard to find fault with Andy Serkis, except that Gollum is now basically a celebrity and practically played like one in the film. He no longer surprises, frightens or disturbs in the least. The cosy lighting doesn't help at all.
Bilbo the Badass: Bilbo kills a Warg (which, though strong enough to uproot a tree, will drop with a single arrow or sword thrust/hack). Later he savagely kills an orc. Where'd this come from? Perhaps to make up for Frodo being a wuss in those other movies? Whatever the case, it's so far out of left field, it's just seems tacked on.
Eagles: Gandalf just happens to spot a moth nearby in the tree he's climbed up to avoid the orcs and wargs. How convenient. And the book's explanation for the eagles doesn't work because? There really is no good reason. Jackson wants to make full use of the eagles, but only as devices; he's averse to giving them any back story or personality or anything. You'd think with his apparent love of exposition and the characters making speeches all the time, something could have been said about them, but no, the eagles just drop them off and depart. They're nothing more than deus ex machina. Granted, there are challenges to following the book more closely here but I still think Jackson takes the cheap way out.
Final scene: Bilbo blithely states "I do believe the worst is behind us." Really? Why would he believe this while looking at a mountain that is 1) still leagues distant; and 2) he knows contains a fire-breathing dragon?
I will be surprised if even morbid curiosity compels me to watch any more of these.