Peter Jackson's over-the-top, bombastic return

Rating: 8/10 (14 May 2020)

It really isn't as bad as people say-and the worst aspects of it are actually not Peter Jackson's fault, it's Guillermo del Toro's for abruptly leaving after pre-production started, leaving Jackson to desperately pick up the pieces. Another reason to not like del Toro after the headache-inducing Pacific Rim, the perverse Shape of Water, and the gruesome agenda-fueled Pan's Labyrinth.
Anyway, as a fair warning it doesn't fit in at all with the Lord of the Rings movies tonally but no one really expected it to. This movie is beyond goofy; it feels almost like 80s slapstick in parts, yet every action scene is so over the top and theatrical you can feel Peter Jackson desperately trying to throw you backwards over your seat. Better yet, the pervasive humor somehow lacks the snarky postmodernism that is plaguing so many blockbusters today. The result is an actually quite unique and unhinged blockbuster that doesn't really feel like anything that came before it. I actually appreciated this go-for-broke zaniness, it saved the film from being really boring like all those other fantasy slogs set in derivative worlds. (Or in anything directed by David Yates. Peter Jackson can out-direct him any minute of the week.)
Breakdown:
Bilbo's birthday party is long, but then you realize that Jackson is lavishly following the book, and you can't deny that these scenes are entertaining. If you want battles and bloodshed you will just have to wait and sit through this Middle-Earth sitcom.
They leave and we get introduced to the CGI Azog in a flashback. Don't worry, he isn't the worst CGI this movie has to offer.
They meet some 'toxic trolls' who want to eat them. This scene is an extension of the Middle-Earth sitcom theme and is so ridiculous you'll probably laugh It has a very cult-movie like feel, like Army of Darkness or something. These types of scenes are what make this oddity of a movie so unique.
We meet Radagast, a kooky animal-loving wizard who is so stressed out by evil forces that Gandalf gives him some pot to calm down. Or something. (Again, laugh!). Azog's scouts attack and they escape to Rivendell to meet Agent Smith. Watch the extended edition to see the naked dwarves swimming in the fountain. Take that, Warcraft!
Then they travel to the mountains, some of which look and act like Transformers, until they get captured by goblins. This is where Jackson unveils his true loony self, with a goblin rock band, the icky blobby Goblin King, more absurd somewhat twisted humor (especially in the extended one), and an eventual chase scene that crams in all the Three Stooges gags he can think of. The goblin city is actually really well-designed and creativity abounds in all these scenes. If this wasn't based off a book it would warrant a much higher rating for imagination.
Bilbo meets Gollum and has a riddle contest. Pretty well done, the lighting is fantastic and the set looks pretty real.
Anyway, they escape the goblins only to be attacked by Azog and blindingly bad CGI that looks on the same level as Attack of the Clones. This entire fight scene is only saved by the part where Thorin goes out to fight Azog in slow-motion with the most bombastic soundtrack imaginable playing. Try finding a scene like that in any other modern fantasy movie.
Then they get saved by 8-bit graphic eagles and the movie ends. Bring on the next ones.