A Poor Film

Rating: 3/10 (28 December 2012)

First of all, let me give you a short anecdote of what happened to me while I was watching this movie in the theater.
At first, after putting on my 3D glasses, the opening credits looked as though I was staring cross-eyed at some sickening troll picture on the internet. I really started feeling a little bit uneasy, and frankly -- sick to the stomach. Next, I started to adjust a tiny bit to the 3D. The audio was just on the verge of being ear-splitting at times, adding to my discomfort. Then, the frame rate hit in. A few parts of the scenes in the first 45 or so minutes looked like a ridiculous silent movie from the 1920's. To me, the action scenes consisted of up to 80% of inexplicable confused ghost closeups of something that I suppose was dwarfs being double projected onto my retinas. This also filled my body up with an emotion that can only be described as mild to moderate angst.
In one scene a loud snoring sound appeared, panned far to the right. This was when I was just aching for the movie to end. My hind quarters were hurting pretty bad. I thought that a member of the audience had actually fallen asleep, which wouldn't have surprised me in the least by that point. But it turned out to be just one of the goblins snoring! Great unintentional humor there! I would like to address Mr. Jackson directly now. I want to tell you that watching this movie was a rather excruciating experience. I got quite physically nauseated by the horridness of the 3D effects that I experienced, and the sometimes inexplicable effects of the high frame rate. I don't go to the movies to feel physically and mentally anguished. I would very much like it if you payed me an amount of money that represents what it cost my mother to actually take me to your movie just to cement our family relations during the important "mellandagarna" Holiday in Sweden, plus a sum that represents a decent wage for three hours of work in your country. The money for the ticket will be used to reimburse my mother for her expense. The rest of the money will go to me personally to compensate for my loss of time while watching your film. Bear in mind Mr. Jackson -- the above is not (except for a couple of somewhat bitter comments) my opinion of your film, or a review of it. Its what actually happened to me while the film was being shown in the theater. If you would like to the decent and humane thing, please PM me on IMDb!
Now we come to that difficult and sad part when I have to review this movie. It is tempting to make this the "best of" compilation of the already excellent dumps several people have taken on this film, at this site. But I must rake my brain and make a (somewhat) original submit. (After all we all had to sit through the same film). Regrettably, it has to begin with the characters. Radagast: An embarrassing role that has bird manure caked in his beard. I cringed inside every time I was exposed to this poor representation of the brown wizard, which was actually a welcome relief from the nausea from the 3D. Galadriel: What can I say. Cate Blanchett is a good actress, but in this rendition of her previous part she provokes in me a slight feeling of wanting to get up from your movie seat and leave. Maybe its the way she turns so dreamily... Gandalf: Just bland. The Dwarfs: oh my Goodness... That (those) was (were)(some)(an) embarrassing performance(s)! Someone wrote that they reminded them of Jar-Jar Binks from the first Star Wars prequel. That is so spot on! Elrond: One of the few redeeming interpretations, but the part when they circle around the dwarfs with the horses sent messages to my legs to just get up and walk out of the theater. Bilbo: yeah... Real interesting. The rest of the characters: I hardly remember them because of the lingering nausea. (On a side-note: the reason this film gets a 3 from me and not a 1 is the fact that the beginning description of the Lonely Mountain and Thorin's acceptance of Bilbo actually provoked something slightly resembling true pangs of emotion in me). The Script: Obviously created by the same Peter Jackson Splinter Mind that wrote the "Deadmen Nuke" part of "Return of the King". Really liked the snot humor, and so on! Nearly wet my pants spilling my drink on my pants to get out of the theater there, with a valid excuse for leaving (I wet my pants). I'm not even going to describe the rest of my feelings for this film. All I'm going to say is this: In 2014 get ready for "Attack of the Clone Wars: The Quickening, part 2: Bilbo goes through a forest to a mountain, and that will take 6 hours!!!!"