Tarantino Fires Blanks for Hours!

Rating: 1/10 (23 December 2015)

To begin, if you want to make it through the whole film in one sitting it's best if you are locked and loaded with caffeine or some form of amphetamine because it is very slow, very long, and very boring. Don't get me wrong, I'm a big QT fan and usually enjoy the great slow, long and creative dialog in his films, but sadly the "great and creative" doesn't exist here. Normally I can't wait for his next film to come out, but even after seeing the trailer a couple months back I said "uh oh, this doesn't look anywhere near up to par." Little did I know what an understatement of epic proportions that would be.
As other reviewers have pointed out, the single positive aspect was the beautiful wide landscape and horse drawn carriage scenes. Unfortunately they only lasted a few minutes in total.
Here are just a few of the things that really stuck out:

Not a single character (of the main eight) was likable in the least bit so it never mattered who got killed. Kurt Russell is one of my favorite actors and I wanted to like or root for him but even he couldn't save this stinker. After a short amount of time I was wishing everyone would start killing one another so this travesty would come to an end.

At an early point I got the feeling QT made a bet with someone to see if he could outdo himself by using the "N" word more times than in Django. Or, more likely he has a sick fetish and loves to hear the word as often as possible. Needless to say it is overwhelmingly painful having to unnecessarily hear it hundreds of times. "But wait!" the blind loyal Tarantino Kool-aid drinking followers will say, "it was extremely racist back then and he's just being authentic to the times!" Well in that case riddle me this: how is it that Sam Jackson along with everyone else had perfect straight white Hollywood teeth which we got multiple close- ups on??? If he was trying to be authentic all those pearly whites would have been closer to gruesome than the straight, white perfection we saw. Ever see Barry Pepper's character in the last "True Grit"? Now that was realistic! There are plenty of other similar things even slightly perceptive viewers will pick up on which were simply wrong and out of place for the times. You'll see for yourself if you decide to mosey on down this steaming poop trail.

Speaking of which and it doesn't last long, but as much as I love Zoë Bell her Kiwi accent and NZ background here were also completely out of place and just plain wrong. Not nearly as bad as the pathetic attempt Tarantino made in Django at an Aussie accent but still completely unreal for the setting. (At least he didn't include Jonah Hill in this one.)

I don't even know where to begin with the full blown gay BJ scene out in the snow. Many will most likely chalk it up to a typical Tarantino shock value type of situation and he probably believes it's wild and crazy and original, but it ends up as just another sad attempt at trying to be any of those things. Either that or maybe he has more personal fetishes he wants to portray to us (yet again) on screen?

Last but not least, there's a whole narration scene which was so completely unnecessary it was insulting and offensive to the viewers' intelligence. This, along with the regurgitated "chapter" style setup appears to be him struggling to get back to the success and originality of Pulp Fiction or Kill Bill, but simply ends up firing blanks. There were no surprises in the least bit, everything was completely predictable, and the casual viewers and hardcore fans alike who are honest with themselves will be offended and want their money and 3 hours of wasted life back. That is, unless you passed out like a few others I saw do halfway during my screening.

With this spectacular regurgitated catastrophe watching the snow melt for the three hours wasted would have been more pleasurable and exciting than this debacle. Go and see "The Revenant" if you want a real masterpiece. Only those who are blind cult followers should gorge for hours on this yellow snow.