M Night Suicideporn's Disasterpiece

Rating: 1/10 (2 October 2008)

M Night Shallamallamannamanallamana invites us to witness the next circuit of the downward spiral of his career. To say that The Happening is a bad film is an insult to bad films. Barring three good scenes, two at the beginning and one at the end, this film is awful.
*Spoiler* Marky Mark, a biology teacher is having problems with his girlfriend who may or may not be having an affair. You have to wonder if this has happened to M Night Shamelessman since this plot detail goes into almost every movie he makes. Perhaps he stopped reading after the chapter which said "Creating drama through relationship problems" in his copy of "Introduction to Film-making".
People in parks in New York and Philadelphia commit mass suicide in two very effective scenes at or near the beginning of the film. At first people think it is a terrorist attack and the cities are evacuated. Apparently there is a neurotoxin going around which shuts down the brain's "self preservation function", clearly there are lots of Americans wondering what it is like to shoot yourself in the head as these people don't just become a bit careless they go off on the whole Goth-self-harm kick in a big way.
Marky, his wife, best friend and best friend's daughter get on a train heading out of Philadelphia. After stopping in Sodomy PA the best friend leaves to find his wife, runs into the toxin and tops himself leaving Marky, his wife and the orphaned girl.
This is an apposite time to discuss what I suspect is M. Night Sillysod's primary reason for making this film, namely lashings and lashings of suicide-porn. We get everything here, people shooting themselves, stabbing themselves, slitting their wrists, jumping off buildings, hanging themselves and, memorably, lying down in front of a lawnmower. If you're considering suicide (and after watching this film you'd be forgiven for doing so) this movie really will give you a good idea of the options.
Marky works out that the neurotoxin is being released by the plants (biology teachers do that, right?)  and suddenly all those menacing shots of trees moving in the wind make sense; THE PLANTS ARE EVIL.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen this is the twist, apparently the plants have decided that we're a threat and have decided to eliminate us. As far as twists go this one is about as good as the one at the end of any book for children under the age of 4 ("Wow! Spot found his ball! What a twist!"). Frankly this film could have been improved by including a scene with a tree sitting in leather armchair wearing a smoking jacket saying "I am, of course, delightfully mad!".
I am not a huge fan of films with twist endings, once you've seen such a film it is like a magic trick where you only see how it is done. Shallimoon's range of twists is fairly laughable in itself and includes the famous "Oh my, you mean Bruce Willis, who clearly died in the first scene, is actually dead?!" (Sixth Sense), the immortal "Gosh, I can't believe that the baddie is the only other recognisable actor in the film!" (Unbreakable) and the completely epic "Oh my god, they're Amish?!" (The Village). Mind you none have yet beaten the mind-blowing "Oh my god there's no twist!" from Lady in the Water which was actually quite surprising, although not really in a good way.
Immediately after the homicidal plant revelation the companions are chased by the wind. No, that's not a euphemism for the after effects of a particularly powerful curry and nine pints of beer, I mean that they actually spend some time running away from the wind which may be carrying lethal suicide inducing toxins. It's a funny thing about wind that it is normally difficult to decide where a particular bit of it starts or stops at a particular point. The film makers solve this by flying a helicopter near the ground but just out of shot so that the wind has a nice clean edge so that the characters can run away from it properly.
Eventually Marky, wifey and the child end up in a sort of micro-brew deliverance where they are threatened by lady-redneck who is, at turns, nice and psychotic. No problem, she's got by the evil wind-plant duo. Then, the whole problem just goes away and our heroes are okay. The final scene of the film replicates the mass suicide ones from the beginning but this time in France so we know that it isn't over yet. Perhaps this lays the foundations for "The Happening 2: Still Happening" - they should make this as a screwball comedy with Ben Stiller having been affected by the neurotoxin but unable to decide what method of suicide to use... with HILARIOUS CONSEQUENCES! *End Spoiler* This film really is dreadful. The acting is embarrassing and the script is awful. Possibly the only redeeming feature is that M Night Shantbeappearinginthisfilm doesn't make an appearance.
1/10