A major crime against cinema

Rating: 1/10 (9 December 2009)

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. The people before you, namely, the producers, directors and writers of 'The Happening', stand accused of a major crime against cinema. These people have with malice aforethought, conspired to murder large swathes of the cinema-going population by boring them to death. They have willfully contrived to assault the sensibilities of innocent movie theatre customers with a barrage of visual nonsense. In an elaborate and wicked plot, they have, in order to carry out this heinous crime, employed various henchmen disguised as actors. Under false pretences and with the aid of publicity agencies, they have together managed to lure innocent cinema-goers into movie theatres and subjected them to 91 minutes of mind-numbing, stultifying torture.
Many are the reports of film fans stumbling towards cinema exits in an attempt to regain their sanity. To regain once again a reason for living. For there is no doubt, ladies and gentlemen, that this film has left many people wondering if there is any point to living at all. 'If humanity', they have wondered, 'is capable of producing such infantile nonsense, then what is the point of being part of humanity?'. And indeed, as many have also asked, 'What is the point of going to the cinema?'.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. I have laid the facts before you. If you insist in seeing the evidence for yourselves, I can only hope that you have the will and strength of mind to withstand 91 minutes during which you may experience the near-death of your cinematic sensibilities. I submit to you that there is only one verdict you must bring: that the people responsible for creating the movie, 'The Happening', are guilty as charged. Guilty of a major crime against cinema! I rest my case.