Is this the end of Shyamalan...a-ding-dong?

Rating: 3/10 (6 August 2008)

Well, with the upcoming Avatar, I suppose not, but I can honestly say it might as well be. If Lady in the Water was the death knell, than The Happening was the death rattle. I was stunned at the awfulness of this film. By no means is it as ridiculous or incomprehensibly bizarre as Lady in the Water(although I think Lady was at least a good lesson for Mr. Shyabooballuh considering the little hint-hint he got from his double win as Worst Director AND Worst Supporting Actor at the Razzies. Notice how he cast himself as Joey, and then cut himself out? Hmmm...), it was still just as inept in its execution and oblivious to the machinations and traits of human beings.
It all boils down to this. Shamoomalan is GREAT visual stylist. He knows when to use innovative camera techniques and when to just leave it alone and let the actors go. But someone needs to come up, slap him in the face, and say you should never be allowed to write again! A retarted monkey could write better dialogue! It's just uniformly bad. I'm one of the 3 or 4 people who thought the Village was great. Didn't even notice bad dialogue. But you know what, after sitting through Unbreakable, Lady, and Happening, it dawned on me that Nighty Night found a loophole in Village. The dialogue was SUPPOSED to be stilted and weird. He couldn't do wrong. He must've had a ball writing it. Hmmm...this line sucks. Alright, yay for me! Are there any more muffins?
He needs to take a tip from the visual directors who think up the concept and maybe a basic story, then hand it over to more experienced and skilled writers. Take a clue from Sam Raimi and Alex Proyas! Hello! Alex Proyas thought of the story for Dark City, but instead of trying to pound it out by himself, he snagged two other writers(one of which was a writer on Batman!). Same for Raimi. He thought of Darkman, but there are FOUR OTHER WRITERS on that film! These are great films, period. But Knnnn-Night needs to realize that he simply doesn't know how to write realistic dialogue.
We all know the story. Hell, that's the best thing about the movie. Wind blows, plants release something in the air, everybody kills themselves. Marky-Mark is trying to figure out why, the clown from Spawn is trying to find his wife, Will Ferrell's ho from Elf is cheating on her husband(sort of), Cameron has finally become Mr. Rooney, and the chick from Cats is living in isolation and smashing her head through windows. Got it? Good.
I'm not going to sully this review with excerpts from the awful screenplay. I shall only describe SOME of the unbelievably bad scenes. Know what? They might not have been bad scenes if they were written better. But, que cera...
Dirk Diggler talking to his students like NO TEACHER has ever spoken to a class before. Is this Special Ed? Why is he sneaking around the class like a pervert on the run from the neighborhood watch? The idiot train attendants. The stupid woman who just randomly shows footage of the man being torn apart by lions. Thanks for that, ma'am. Now if you don't mind, I'm going to hurl on your Marc Jacobs boots. It's just so inappropriate and weird the way she shows it to him. Could've been written SO much better. Leguizamo(one of the only bright spots in this movie) appears to not be wearing a seatbelt in a crowded car. Not only that, but he's near the front. And yet when the car crashes, he's the only one who emerges to cut his wrists. How the hell did he survive and people were BEHIND HIM?! The soldier. That's it. Just the soldier. I certainly hope they're not shipping him off to Iraq anytime soon. Tiramisu?! I sincerely hope that's a new sex practice that I've just been totally oblivious of. What the hell, man?! There's no conflict! There's nothing to their relationship! Who cares if she ate dessert with him? Who cares if Sgt. Dignam checked out some floozy at a pharmacy? So do I! My wife works at one, and she's HOT!! Duurr!! The two kids they meet. Can you even believe the insults they try to spout off to those people boarded up in that house? "Open up, you bitches!" Are you freakin' kidding me? Just awful. The gym teacher from Carrie has gone cuckoo, and even though she was suitably creepy, her final scene became so ridiculous that it just became laughable. And speaking of laughable, the worst scene you ask? The scene that broke me? The plant talking scene. Hands down. I've been sitting there, in a theatre, patiently giving this ridiculous movie a chance, and then this. It needs to be seen to be believed. I started cackling, literally. It was horrifying.
The good? Anything visual, duh! The death scenes, obviously. Score wasn't bad, not Howard's best, but fine. And the basic concept was really great. But I beg of you, if you see McNight around, and I'm sure you will, just check any restaurant that accepts American Express and you'll see him in the corner imagining people's faces are melting. Tell him that unless he's using that pen to sign his check, he needs to put it down immediately!