Just Happens To Be Horrible

Rating: 1/10 (18 June 2008)

This is arguably the worst movie I have ever seen in theaters. It's funny in a "oh-my-god-I-can't-believe-how-terrible-this-is" way, but that's the only enjoyment you can take from this movie.
The only way I can really emphasize the stupidity of this joke of a movie is by pointing out the worst scenes in it. Whether it be the crazy botanist's two minute scene detailing his love of hot dogs (don't forget the mustard), Mrs. Jones' belief that she's about to be robbed, raped and murdered, Private Auster's exclamation of "Cheese and crackers!" at the news of the deaths of everyone around him, Jared and Josh suddenly turning into gang bangers before getting shot (which of course takes place right after Wahlberg's decision to perform a little ditty for the audience), or Marky Mark's wooden acting when trying to convince a plastic plant not to kill him and his family (as compared to his wooden acting everywhere else in the movie). The entire movie just moves along from one absurd moment to the next, without ever making you care about what's happening on screen. Alright, a bunch of construction workers just plunged off of an unfinished building in downtown New York, but what's playing in the theater next to us?
By no means am I a movie snob, who demands every flick I see to be Oscar worthy. I can get just as much enjoyment out of a cheap laugh or a mindless explosion. But this movie doesn't give you anything at all to work with, and by the time you've heard all the wonders of a hot dog, you'll wish it really was "happening," just so you can be done with the movie. Don't see this, don't rent it, don't even acknowledge its existence.