Turn it down a notch, will ya?

Rating: 3/10 (20 December 2017)

Even after seeing the overblown mess that is THE GREATEST SHOWMAN, I still can't believe they bother to make this. Dawning the promotional tagline "from the same lyricists of LA LA LAND", this years hot new musical feels slap-dashed, scrambled, and razzle-dazzled together in order to cynically profit off its success with embarrassing results. It's the type of year-end crowd-pleaser that talks your ear out about following your dreams and forget the haters, yet is also so obnoxiously over-the-top yet thoroughly forgettable it almost tunes itself out. It's like if HAMILTON was remade for the Disney Channel.
It stars Hugh Jackman as P.T. Barnum as he goes through the "Started From The Bottom" routine and turn from a poor apprentice into the worlds most famous entertainers. He falls in love with Charity to her fathers disapproval, but prevails because true love. He then gets stuck in a low-end job that gets bankrupt, to which he gets inspired to create a museum full of larger-than-life characters. He then gets the extra endorsement from Zac Efron as a playwright who falls in love with one of the performers played by Zendaya. Then he suddenly gets bitter after a dispute with his troupe and his wife after he discovers that he wants more, which suddenly leads to big consequences. Then they get back together through a sing and dance number.
Jumping Jesus, that's a lot of story. The whole thing has too much both onscreen and on paper that it suddenly became nauseating. Penned by Bill Condon in his second forgettable musical this year, it has the usual crap pacing, wasted opportunities, at least half a dozen arcs and cliches, and subplots left on the cutting room floor. It constantly blows over predictable storybeats through break-neck speed that you start to wonder what the fuck is going on. On top of that, commercial director Michael Gracey adds a whole bunch of calculated splendor - even in scenes where they're just talking - to this garbage screenplay in order to fool you into its supposed majesty. To me, I just got tuned out after the third time they sing.
Speaking of things overproduced, I've never heard anything so needlessly bombastic as that soundtrack. Along with the aforementioned visual eye rape, each music number sounds like it really thinks the movie is some transporting adventure. It really just sounds like they took that opening song from HAMILTON and copied the same swooning violin and blaring percussion in every goddamn song. Even in scenes where it calls for a moody, somber treatment instead feels like we're fighting in the Battle in Narnia. I just wanted to tell these guys to dial it the fuck down.
And then there's Barnum himself. It's admittedly nice to see Jackman shine in a happier role after LOGAN, but this is just a thinly written character. Glossing over the more nitty-gritty aspects of the historical figure, Barnum trudges along the same familiar beats of first being a starry-eyed optimistic to flat-out dickhead in the end. Even the shambling script leaves him no real footing to his arcs, leaving Jackman all dewey-eyed through numerous pitfalls and successes that mean nothing.
If the film offered me a glimmer of hope, it's when we're introduced to the "acts" themselves. Even at first seems exploitative to their appearances, these larger-than-life misfits look like they're packed with hidden stories and aspirations of their own. During one scene in which they sing in defiance against their oppressors, I almost leaped with joy... until it suddenly cuts to the same damn music template, in which I felt pissed again. For a movie about finding humanity in unusual places and finding your place, it's saddening to see these characters pushed aside for butthole Barnum and his stupid white people problems. I'd rather watch these guys again.
A common criticism about last years rapturous LA LA LAND was that it was all glam but no depth. Even if I'd agree that most people - like me admittedly - overrate this movie to kingdom come, there's a certain charm, effort, and specificity to LA LA LAND that made it sing more clearly than this movie ever can. Imagine if LA LA LAND was like a smooth, adventurous melody while SHOWMAN was like what if your 5-year-old son fumbles with your keyboard set.
Like any crummy movie, though, it tries to excuse itself by being for the fans and not the dreary critics. In one scene, a critic meets Barnum and states that the show is little more than smoke and mirrors, to which Jackman remarks by highlighting how much smiles he makes by the audience. As glib as that sounds, I couldn't help but agree. In many ways, THE GREATEST SHOWMAN is like the latest pop music that the current generation won't shut up over; its loud, repetitive, incomprehensible, and packed with a heavy-handed message to make you think it's more important that it really is.
But hey! Give it a month, and you'll get tired of it and forget it even exists.