An open letter to Francis Ford Coppola

Rating: 3/10 (14 December 2011)

"Dear Francis, The two of us go way back. Back as far as "The Terror" and "Dementia 13". Then, "Apocalypse Now" and "The Cotton Club" – the term cult-movies must have been invented for those two! "The Ousiders" is still one of my wife's' favourite films and the underrated "Finian's Rainbow" remains one of my childhood favourites. I even went and watched "Captain EO" – not because I'm a Michael Jackson fan but because I was a believer in the Coppola magic. And of course "The Godfather", part 1 and 2, that defined not only the mafia-genre but cinema as we know it today.
But then, one night while watching "The Sopranos", having Chianti and homemade cannelloni, I had to think about something that I had tried to suppress for years: the time when I went to the cinema to watch "Godfather 3". Didn't even bother to watch the trailer, didn't noticing that there was no Robert Duval; I just ran off and bought a ticket. Sure, there was no way you could have cast John Cazale, him being as dead as the character Fredo; but replacing the Tom Hagen character with George Hamilton, now that ads insult to injury. Was neither Ed O'Neill nor Ted Danson available? You could have just cast Pee-Vee Herman and make it obvious that this is a farce!
Perhaps you wanted to teach us something about "famiglia italiani" (and/or the structure of the mafia); perhaps you wanted to teach us a lesson about nepotism. There most have been a reason for casting your daughter Sophia in one of the leading roles but I just could never figure out what it was. If anything, her presence excuses Andy Garcia's ham-acting – nothing but silent-movie grimacing could have prevailed against Sophia's proboscis that constantly permeates the picture.
"Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder", like they say and I'm not so hard-hearted as to call your daughter ugly like a blind horse – nor would I dare to compare her lips to overcooked blood-sausage or her nose to a bulbous potato but I dare say that her acting stinks to high heaven. What made you put her next to actors like Al Pacino or Eli Wallach and couldn't you have rather made them wear red clown noses? Perhaps you had a point about incest and cousin-relationships – however, I never got them since a) I didn't care, expecting the third part of "Godfather" and not an incestuous soap-opera and b) well, like I said: Sophia's performance made me think about many things – a stacked ham-sandwich was among them but sex wasn't.
Here, now I've said it: it wasn't only general miscasting or dour, convoluted and essentially boring story lines that killed the movie beyond hope for resurrection – it was Sophia! You went on to direct "Dracula" and like a dying bull in Pamplona, you seemed to have risen one final, forceful time – yes, "Dracula" would remain one of the last good vampire flicks until today. Then came films like "Jack" (best left uncommented) and "Supernova", which you wanted to direct under the moniker 'Alan Smithee' but Walter Hill had already adopted it for the same pile of manure.
Francis, I'd like to thank you for all the great movies prior to "Godfather 3" and wish you a long, happy life. May the Californian sun help you produce the choicest Cabernet Sauvignon that will forever keep your table filled with Italian delicacies.
Just please, Francis, stop directing movies!" Three noses  excuse me, I meant three points from ten.