I'm Not a Parrot !

Rating: 1/10 (22 December 2015)

Everybody says that this is a great movie; the box office, the Oscars, the bigwig critics, even the viewers' reviews all over the internet. But you know what? I have a mind of my own. And this is not a great movie by any mean. It is a bad movie, if not very bad as well!
The story looks like the worst Agatha Christie imitation. It sets up a mystery, in one place, and crowds a dozen of suspects, with no clues for you. That's the perfect way for the viewer to lose their interest, since nobody relayed on their inelegance, or admitted it in the first place. It's where they tell you "Be just a viewer. Not try to think. There are more smart people in the movie to do that for you!" So, I couldn't care less about a mystery that couldn't care less about me!
The pace is stupidly condensed. It's like a TV series that has been compressed, not even abbreviated. There are almost 3 hours that feel like 5 hours long. And to add more fuel, the editing intended butchering every single moment, with exhaustingly snap cutting that made the shot length range between one second and less than a second, to the extent of not figuring out many points, or listing appropriately to many lines. It's like being in a restaurant which puts the food in front of you for only an instant. Hence I was "smelling" subjects, for 3 consecutive hours, and it's no way for anyone to be satisfied!!
..And this won the Academy Award for the best editing?? There is something deeply wrong, not in me, but in the movie, and - accordingly - in the Oscars!
So the lead character Mikael Blomkvist had a fling with the title character for what reason?! Because she let him smoke unlike his boss / mistress?!! Basically, why in god's name that girl had sex with him, or rather fell in love with him?? That I didn't even have a possible answer to!
Every review refers to the genius way how the Swedish landscape was filmed. I didn't see anything genius, nor distinct, about it at all though!
45 years, and nearly all the crime's witnesses and investigators are alive, with sharp memory?!!
All the TV sets, in every part of the world, is on, and showing NOTHING but the news of businessman Hans-Erik Wennerström. So, whether there is no other channels or news on the planet, or there is no other way to give info in the scriptwriter's mind!
The serial killer has a room in his mansion, where he tortures, murder, and tears up women, for 5 decades, and his dear beloved wife, who lives with him in the same mansion, doesn't know a thing about it. Hmmm, far-fetched? No, it's TOTAL NONSENSE!
..And he films his crimes? Why?? To provide a full evidence against himself later?!! And what about the paintings that the grandfather receives? Why not to trace their sender back?? And if Anita gave her identity to Harriet, where did Anita go?? Ahh, maybe they said it somewhere but the editing slaughtered it. But if the movie's makers think that I may watch their work again to search for that; then they can't be more mistaken, because they didn't seduce me to do so by any way, not dramatically or cinematically!
The title character is shown as invincible ALL LONG. She's super smart like a walking Google, can't be beaten by anybody, and achieves victory every time so easily. This is boring. Moreover, if James Bond is described as unbelievable, then it's at least an admitted fantasy, but when The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo insists on realistic tone, then she's yet more unbelievable!
There is a mandatory lesbian sex scene in every Hollywood movie during the last 15 years. Honestly, I'm deadly sick of the obvious compulsion, the endless repetition, and the cheap commercial supplication of that. In this manner, I bet you, the children cartoons will include it too, very soon!
Then look at the movie's universe. It is rotten to the bone. Yes, I know that it's familiar in noir to present rotten places, characters, deeds. However, this time the relationships were deformed to inhuman degree, and the events contained many horrible and emetic images. Not only this, the movie made that always drugged and killer-wannabe title character as the most brilliant and pure character around. If that was the movie's substance and goal; then I hated it, before I couldn't buy it!
David Fincher. What are you doing man?! Once, you've done Se7en and Fight Club. And then, you're doing Zodiac and The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Do you have a schizophrenia in terms of quality? Well, following your movies assures that clearly!
I liked the creative opening titles, the moment when Daniel Craig improvised catching the water bottle. NOTHING MORE!
All in all, let anybody love that movie, let the Oscar give it 1000 awards, and let the studies delude the people by buying reviewers, or even writing praising reviews under false names on the internet. Let them do whatever they want to do. The most important thing is: I'm not a parrot. Or in other words: THIS IS UNBEARABLE TO WATCH!