"And I would have gotten away with it, if it wasn't for you meddling lesbians! And your little Journalist too!"

Rating: 3/10 (1 September 2010)

When I saw this movie I had been told a couple million times it was the 'bee's knees' and if I knew anything about film, I'd be enraptured by its 'goodness'. That's about where things go terribly wrong.
First, I'll state what this film does effectively demonstrate: That by dying, and by being 'foreign', you can get hyped like there's no tomorrow by American audiences who really, by now, don't know any better. If you can even get the smallest bit of 'critics' (term used loosely) to spread the word, then the cash flow is guaranteed. Ensured by a movie going public too ignorant to know the difference between good and bad and too weak to disagree with those that think they do. So now let the good times roll.
The number 1 misrepresentation about this movie is that this is a murder mystery (anybody who calls this a thriller probably gets a raised pulse from Sunday traffic so I'm just gonna ignore that.) Oh, there's murder alright, by the second act the movies dishing out murders like it's going out of style. There's a mystery too, or at least it 'seems' like a mystery.
But the movie's not about any of that crap. This paper thin cold case might as well be on CSI: Who Gives a Damn, if that was what it was about. All we need to do is read the title, and it's certainly not, Rich Evil Guys Are Rich and Evil, or The Girl Who Died Or Something Maybe. Nope. It's the Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. And she's the whole point.
But first let's take a look at out main 'character' (term used loosely). Interesting. An investigative journalist/writer. Middle aged. Hmm, kinda reminds me of someone. Oh yeah. The author. The only difference is this 'investigative journalist' is boning some butch lesbian who's twice the man at half the age. You ever think to yourself, whittling away on your laptop 'Wouldn't it be kinda cool, and just a little kinky, if some young chick who could beat me up was reading this'? Well, I certainly don't; but this guy does. And that's the point of the novel. To showcase this fantasy girl and build their relationship(?), while they screw around with 'biblical related murders' (never seen that before /sarcasm) and 'a rich family on an island where everyone is a suspect'. They might as well have brought Scooby Doo along for the ride.
So SuperGirl and her sidekick The Bumbling Journalist (who might as well have been slipping on banana peels and wearing his underpants on his head by the end of the movie, for all the use he was) trudge through 'murders' that might have been 'shocking' to audiences back in the prohibition, while having 'hawt sex'. Cause every 24 year old girl with a spiked collar and tattoos wants to have sex with a middling older guy, right?
Eventually we learn that 'rich white males', who rape and kill girls because that's what every rich white male does (duh) are behind this fiendish plot. And by exposing him doing stuff you'd think any PI with half a brain could have done 40 years ago, they convince the villain to crash his car for no real reason... and then bring the 'dead' girl back from Australia where she was just waiting for a spunky lesbian and a down on his journalist to bring her back. She hadn't contacted her beloved uncle because... well... ummm.... and then the move ends. But not before the Journalist pulls a Jennifer Aniston on his poor broken heart and DragonTattoo brings down even more (!!) rich white males (those bastards!). And then a little Mary Tyler Moore shot of TattooGirl that says, 'oh you just gotta love her'.
So: If you wish a butch chick was scoping out your computer right now, or want to nod along with the rest of the movie going yes men who don't know how to form an opinion of their own, then go see this movie. If not, you're probably better off with Scooby Doo.