Hi, I'm "The Girl Next Door" and I'm rated R.

Rating: 3/10 (22 February 2004)

Now I'm not a pervert or nothing, but usually when a movie is rated R it goes for the throat. If I had to give this simply average movie a rating, I'd give it "half R", meaning that half the movie had guts and the other half had none. I believe the movie was written by a schizophrenic (however you spell it). Some days, he would be raunchy and uninhibited. He used the great premise to his advantage. And some days, he was a big wussy. He wimped out and made chessy scenes seen in hundreds of other movies (c'mon pal, I saw an ecstacy trip in BAD BOYS II).
Tim Olyphant was the best character, but he dried out near the end. Elisha Cuthbert was sexy. The Tripod (as they're called in the film) were good, too. I just wish this film would've stayed in one direction, you know? First, the girl next door's a former porn star. Great! Wait, now it's about friendship. Okay, but... porn star? Yes? No? Yeah, ex-porn star and friendship. WHAT? Kid from the Orient? Are you kidding? You're not kidding. Oh.