artsy yawn fest

Rating: 1/10 (29 December 2009)

This is probably the worst movie ever made. It is like an emo kid that keeps cutting himself, but never goes all the way with it. It was pretentious beyond all measure - reminiscent of spoken word night at the coffee shop down the street. The movie looks like it was made by arts graduates, with below average IQs and armed with an over estimation of their own intelligence.
I rented the movie because the back of the case implied there was going to be some Spanish conquistadors pillaging stuff, and there was, for 2 minutes. Deceiving. The synopsis mentioned conquistadors, a fountain of youth and cancer so I figured this movie must be kickass. In the future, I am officially red flagging all movies with the word 'fountain' in the title. The movie was so obvious, I felt confused at the end because I figured that I must be missing something. I wasn't, the movie is so bloody pedestrian there should have been a 'don't walk' sign over my television. The slow narrative and obvious symbolism made me yawn so wide, I almost swallowed my head. The stupid and lenghty emotional sob sessions made me want my kitchen to catch on fire, just so I would have an excuse to drag my ass from the couch and away form my TV.
What the hell was with the bubble, flying towards the nebula? Did the director actually put that in there? Seriously, this movie tried to hard to be art-house intelligent, that at least 10 well read and emotionally retarded Starbucks baristas must have been consulted during filming.
Anyhow, this movie is pretentious, obvious nonsense made for that part of society that likes to stretch 4 sentences of plot into 2 hours of ridiculous pseudo intellectual posturing. I have no idea why this movie has not been banned yet.