Furturistic Die Hard in Space While Wearing Shoes

Rating: 1/10 (2 August 2009)

While watching The Fifth Element, Europe's latest attempt to make Hollywood style films, one cannot help but infer that Bruce Willis knows that this film is a giant cornball, much like the ball of evil that Father Vito Cornelius deems, "Absolute Eeevil." His acting combines a kind- of smug knowledge with a down-to-earth attitude in a way that makes his scenes watch able. That's about as enjoyable in Luc Besson's sci-fi epic gets. The film starts off in 1910, where a few archaeologists are reading a hieroglyph that detail the ultimate weapon against evil: a fifth element. Suddenly, a group of mechanical beings known as the Monascheiwans (try saying that five times fast) come to Egypt and take the fifth element, along with some four stones that somehow represent the other elements, in order to ensure their continued existence. Besson doesn't bother to explain how this weapon works or even what makes the stones so special. He simply whisks us two hundred and fifty years in the future, where life as we know it is threatened by the arrival of Evil, in the form of a black ball flying through space. Only the fifth element can stop the Evil from extinguishing life, as it tries to do every five thousand years. It turns out, that The fifth element is a woman, played by Milla Jovovich as a clueless woman who speaks only a mysterious language and spends most of the film being carried by Bruce Willis' character, Korbin Dallas. This hardly explains exactly what the fifth element is, and why it assumes this form, but Besson isn't interested in explanations; perhaps because Besson knows it makes no sense. The fifth element is helped by ex-soldier, and current-cab-driver Korben Dallas. Dallas is going about his business when he picks up the fifth element in his cab and thus begins the overdone premise of the man who's forced into a situation that he's not supposed to be in, and who becomes a hero in such. Thus is the real influence of Die Hard. For The Fifth Element bars striking resemblance to Die Hard, with the exception that it takes place in the future, in space, and Bruce Willis fights off the bad guys without removing his shoes-oh and it doesn't take place during Christmas. Korbin Dallas is helped by a pop star, and notable queen, Ruby Rhod, played by Chris Tucker. It's hard to say whether Chris Tucker's high-pitched squeal and neurotic character is a result of his strange interpretation or a truly terrible performance. On the opposite end, Evil is being assisted by Mr. Zorg, played as a southern creep with a bad hair cut by Gary Oldman, who seeks to profit from the chaos that Evil will bring. He hires mercenaries, who look like humans with hogsheads, to do all the fighting. If you're having trouble following this, then movie will be no easier to understand. As if this wasn't enough to convince you that The Fifth Element isn't worth a bucket of warm spit, just pay attention to the acting. President Lindberg, played by one of the worst actors to ever appear in a major Hollywood production, Tommy Lister, recites his ridiculous lines with a staleness only found in week-old bread. I could go on and on detailing all the bad acting, but I do not wish to cause as much pain as the casting director does. The Fifth Element would work well as a comedy-that is-if it didn't have moments of great pain. In attempting to find the stones in order to activate the weapon against evil, Korbin Dallas ends up on an inter-galactic resort listening to a solo opera, sung by a blue woman with hoses attached to her head. Suddenly, the opera turns from classical music to disco. It is at this point that the film has reached its painful peak. The Fifth Element may not be the worst film ever made, but is sure in the running. If you've made the mistake of renting The Fifth Element, now would be a good time to find your remote's mute button, or better yet, the off button. F