"F" Is For Fornication With The 5th Element

Rating: 4/10 (22 May 2013)

*Possible spoilers ahead*
Fear not for the future, folks, 'cause (get this!) in the 23rd Century a real bad-ass, cab-driving mama's boy is gonna kick some serious alien butt and save all of mankind from total annihilation.
So, for the time being, you can all be rest assured that, thanks to Korben Dallas, we are safe from Alien Armageddon once again. Phew! That was a close one, though! Eh?
Now, I wouldn't exactly say that The Fifth Element was the worst Sci-Fi movie ever made. No, I wouldn't say that. But I would say that it was most certainly one of the most unhinged, most sloppy and badly-paced of that particular genre which I've ever seen.
Would I say that The Fifth Element was so bad that it was almost (but not quite) good? Yeah. Well, maybe I would.
When it was revealed to me where the 4 Mystical Stones were being hidden I almost choked, as the Diva Plavalaguana must've when she snarfed them down for safe keeping. (Well, how else could she have gotten them inside her guts? - Unless she had shoved 'em up her big, blue keester) (snicker-snicker)
I have to admit that it wasn't Willis's "Dallas" character who bugged me the most in this movie. There were actually 2 other contenders for the most despicable character who beat out Dallas by a long-shot.
#1 was Gary Oldman's Zorg. Let's face it, Oldman just can't convincingly play a villain worth crap. Watching this snivelling wimp trying so desperately to appear evil was the same thing as if the part of Zorg had been given to PeeWee Herman.
#2 most despicable character was (surprise-surprise) Ruby Rhod.
OK. I'll admit that for the first time around this heterosexual-transvestite's schtick was actually kinda amusing. But when he returned for a 2nd performance he fell flat on his face with all of that fast-talking nonsense.
Had the Ruby Rhod character been instrumental in helping Dallas save the day, then, yes, I would've easily forgiven his annoying presence. But all he turned out to be was a big, stupid suck who proved to be a deterrent to Dallas's gallant heroics.
Thank goodness that director Luc Besson flatly refused to make a sequel to this disappointing film.
And speaking about Besson, here's a little behind-the-scenes drama that might be of interest to some of you here at IMDb -
Up to the beginning of The Fifth Element's production, Besson was a married man (of 6 years) to actress Maiwenn Le Besco, who played the "Diva" character. (She was also 16 years his junior).
Once filming got underway Besson didn't waste any time to dump Le Besco like a hot potato and start bedding Milla Jovovich, whom he quickly married. (This blissful union of wedlock lasted for exactly 2 whole years. My-oh-my, isn't love just grand?)
Like, can you just imagine all of the frickin' tension and ill-will that must've been going one during the production of this film with Besson's bed-hopping and these 2 women vying for his attention? Wow! That must've been a circus, and a half!
P.S. - Oh, yeah. Another thing that lost this film points was its blatant product placement of the familiar McDonalds trademark shoved into my face.... Uh.... Do you really believe that this horrible fast-food franchise will still be around in the 23rd Century? I certainly hope not!