What's the matter, Arnie... been pushing too many pencils?

Rating: 2/10 (20 August 2010)

I'm not stupid: I realise that 'x' times the number of action stars does not necessarily equal 'x' times the amount of action, but with the biggest names of the genre together in one supposedly bad-ass, big budget, testosterone fuelled film, directed by Rambo himself, I at least expected to feel a mild rush of excitement at some point during the whole thing. Instead, I just found myself cringing throughout, which was a tad disappointing, to say the least.
Not only does The Expendables have a plot so weak that it probably would have been rejected for the A-Team (not the film, but the TV series, and we're talking Season 5 here), but it also suffers from charmless performances from its stars (who are not exactly helped by the absolutely dire dialogue), a very dull first half hour, and some of the most ill-considered action direction, lousy cinematography and scrappy CGI effects I have seen in years.
The photography is inexplicably grainy and frequently out of focus, the scatter-shot editing is absolutely diabolical (does any shot last more than a second?), and the digital blood splats frustratingly unrealistic, but it is Stallone's overuse of 'shakycam' that is particularly appalling—seriously Sly, what's the point of signing up such an impressive all-star cast if you're going to turn every action sequence into unfathomable visual mincemeat?
Oh, and Arnie.... next time, either grab a gun and get stuck in, or just stay behind the desk. Ta!