Action movie without real action?!

Rating: 5/10 (10 December 2010)

I also made a video review on you-tube (VideoTorch - The Expendables). This is from the script of it (hope u enjoy it):
So, there's dear old grams, whom we'll call Sly for the sake of simplicity. He decided to round up the ballsiest white supremacists of the '80s and '90s. The only criteria to join was that they kicked at least a dozen minorities' butts during their career. After a few refused the call (Van Damme refused to get his butt whooped in the film, while Kurt Russel lost interest), the team was ready to shoot. Sly, The Governator, John McClane, Mickey the handsome, Dolph "even the burglars sh*t themselves when they see my picture" Lundgren, Eric "my sister is the most famous, or not?" Roberts, the thousand faced Stathem, two wrestlers or something.., and just to f*ck with the target audience: Li and a black dude.
Well, what's the film about?
Now, you might think I'm going to tell you the usual: "It's the old story, about an elite team, who are hired to eliminate a local dictator, who's also a drug lord, and also very nasty. But then, it turns out, obviously, that it's all a big conspiracy and the corrupt people in the government are behind it yadi yadi yada.... Then the hero comes, and kills everyone, the end" But no, this movie is not about that. What this movie is all about is a giant d*ck measuring contest. Of course, there will be some similarities to the story outlined above, but let's just take a closer look! So we have an elite team, lead by Sly. So, we can conclude from that, that Sly has a pretty big Johnson. Than there is Stathem, whose character has more similarities to a lap dog than to a real person, who's belly from time to time Sly will tickle, and give him food. If not naturally, but with some artificial help he also has a pretty huge dong. So, then there's Dolph, who is a bad guy but in a lovable way. I would say he is like an old dog who now pees on the carpet, and should have been euthanized a long time ago. In addition, he also bit little Timmy, but we hate the little f*Ker anyway, since we suspect that he is not our own, but we don't say that to the face of the little bastard, since we want to have some fun later on with his mother but anyway, Dolph has a big Willy. Then there is the wrestler guy, or whatever the hell he is, whose wiener is a bit rough and ugly, but big enough, although we only find that out at the end of the movie. Finally there are the black sheep of the team... well, to be more accurate, only one of them is black, the other one is. never mind So, Li and the other guy (the black guy). They really get the short end of the stick, to put it mildly. At least 10 minutes of the movie is devoted to dancing around the small Asian penis stereotype, while another 10 is devoted to disprove the large Black pen*s stereotype (Big muscles, big guns = perhaps to compensate for something?). So, these are our heroes. Now let's take a look at the bad guys. The filmmakers don't disappoint here either: they target America's largest minority, putting a large emphasis on the "minor" part. Even the dictator can't be taken seriously, because he loses all his prestige the moment Eric Roberts shows up in the symbol of western capitalism: a suit with a tie. At this point, I seriously started thinking about how on Earth they could increase the absurdity of the situation even further: Bust out the whips? Or a giant confederate flag waving in the background? Nah, the filmmakers were not that subtle. Instead, a a big, bald, blonde skinhead Neo-Nazi looking bouncer shows up as Roberts' right hand, simultaneously making every nationalist, white catholic j*z their pants. So, now that we have analyzed the deeper, hidden meaning of the movie, let's take a look at the execution as well. What more can we expect after so much cock, and minority stomping? Well, either one awesome bondage S&M p*Rn, or at least a Noe-Nazi fantasy like massacre. Unfortunately, we'll have to cool our jets here, because that's exactly what's missing... The Action! Well, that's not entirely true, because there's some imitations of it, but not the real thing. Ther's only one way I could describe it: It's like hiring Ron Jeremy to do a porn movie, one that would be aired on ABC Family, prime time. You kinda suspect something is going on, but can't really tell, because they mostly just talk about it, and the rest of the time the camera is so damn shaky you can't tell whether the cameraman is that excited, or is suffering from Parkinson's. This is incredibly irritating, given that if you sit into an action movie, the thing you want to see the most is the firkin' ACTION! Then there's a certain lack of creativity. What I mean by that is the quality of the one-liners, the variety of the scenes, but at least the f*king jokes! Because, thinking back on it, what exactly is memorable about the movie apart from the scenes with the governor, and the afore mentioned Asian d*ck size stereotype. Nothing! A big f*king empty void of nothingness! They could've at least gotten a unique score for the movie, which the average hick can download onto his cell phone to annoy the passengers on the bus with. (