The 'D-' Team

Rating: 1/10 (21 August 2010)

Sure, Sylvester Stallone isn't the most bankable star. He's washed up and knows it. I appreciate that he knows, though writing and directing that theory into an incredibly shallow, talentless and pointless movie containing characters with zero depth or chemistry between each other and bringing other D-List stars down with himis just plain wrong.
The Expendables didn't have much going for it, except for taking the Freddy Vs. Jason idea to a whole new level. Not a better level, but just expanding the cast of has-beens. So, I guess the only way for the film to go is up, upon viewing? NO. It started low and got worse.
The action was so few and far between that when you finally got to one of the few scenes, though they were decent, you're left so bored, it's hard to remember at that time this is, in fact, an action flick. It's a no-brainer that the cast basically has no brains left, so the expectations of them suddenly performing Hamlet was null. Yet, I really wanted to see something, anything out of them. Not only was each one, bypassing Jason Statham as Lee Christmas who stood far above EVERY other individual, so dull, boring, one-note, incredibly UNFUNNY with jokes and one-liners seen from a neighboring county, but not one had an ounce of chemistry with each other. It's as if Mr. Stallone asked them, not that they need a reason to get their first paycheck in years, and they signed on without so much as seeing the script.
And speaking of which, was there a script? We have the lesser of A-Team movies this summer where as an elite group of highly trained mercenaries who are hired for a job, but surprise! There's now more at stake as there's a completely thrown in (only for the sake of having the clichéd) love interest, one of their own that might be betraying them (oh, drat!) and the target might be harder than they anticipated: An Evil Drug Lord – oh, no! – who controls both his island's people and government.
Sure, this is a throwback to the same types of movies this 100+ actor group is used to back in the 1980s, and as much as most of those are corny, stereotypical, low-rent and shallow, at least they had heart. At least they didn't lie to what they were. You knew what you were getting yourself into.
Here, in The Expendables, Director Stallone yearns to make a serious movie about senior citizens kicking butt by adding male-bonding, a philosophical tattoo preacher and the importance of friendship and trust. Then he switches back to the Predator-days long gone with jungles, blood, guts, guns and not-so-snappy one-liners.
Don't get me started – too late – on the cameos. I understand the big Arnold Schwarzenegger had some forest fire business in his own country of California, but his, Bruce Willis's and Sly's scenes went as well together as their ownership of Planet Hollywood restaurants. Each one was all but a head shot where you couldn't even tell they were in the same room, not to mention it lasted all but 5 minutes. I had the same problem with the movie Heat; FINALLY they got Pacino and De Niro on the same screen for, what?, 5 minutes!?! And furthermore, I hate the post-Terminating Smiling-Jack Schwarzenegger and his cornball dumbass lines. Even the ones thrown at him were so foreseen, they weren't funny.
The rest of the walk-ons, including the washed-up-before-Wrestler-and-back-to-third-rate-following, Rourke, were just happy to be employed. I guess the recession runs deeper than they thought – back to the 80s! Despite my one star review, there were two good scenes, I'll admit: Christmas, wait – wow, really Stallone? That's the best you can come up with for an ACTION star's name? Hope you didn't take that from Dr. Christmas Jones from The World is Not Enough. Anyways, Tough Christmas takes on thugs on a basketball court due to one of the failed side plots involving his love interest. I always like seeing Statham fight, despite the poor quality of the film he's in. Also, the climax is quite unbelievable, of course, but you cant rate that down for the movie it is. I will say, though, before the 700 explosions in the finale, there was a little cave fight scene that ended with machine gun/human slicing excitement. Literally, I was dozing off until that happened – multiple and honestly well choreographed fighters took on the enemy.
Those two scenes by FAR could not save the rest of this crap. I'd say maaaaybe rent it for the aforementioned scenes and the testosterone finale – at least you can select those chapters and not be hopelessly stuck in the theater. Even when Stallone was bad in his career, he never stooped this low. SKIP!