Barely even an action movie

Rating: 1/10 (6 September 2011)

The Expendables is about a group of good guys who have to go kill some bad guys. That's all you need to know plot wise. It's as deep as puddle of pee. But this is an action movie right? So you don't need all that "movie stuff" right? Just some 'sploshuns.
But this is still a 2/10, and I'll tell you why so you aren't conned by this movie. I would forgive and forget the wafer thin plot, wafer thin characters and bad acting if there had been the following:
1) Good action scenes. There were none. The fist fights were filmed with shaky cam and looked terrible. The gun fights were boring.
2) Effective villains. There were none. They were a pair of pussys and they did nothing. In the latest Rambo Stallone gave us villains that were downright evil, and you rooted for the good guys to kill the hell out of them. You have to love to hate your villains. They should chew up the scenery like wood-chippers, or be cold and calculating. These villains were boring.
3) Good use of the actors. Jet Li was wasted because he manage to kick only one person to death. Jason Statham was boring. Stallone was boring. Mickey Rourke had a couple of good scenes but he's barely in it. Arnie and Bruce were in it for about 90 seconds. Good use of Stone Cold as a henchman. Your character's don't have to be deep, but they have to be likable.
4) Cheesy one liners. There were none, at least none that are in any way memorable.
5) Ridiculously heroic death scenes. There were none. In a man-on-a- mission film, which this was supposed to be, you need to kill of some of your heroes in really over the top and heroic ways. In this film not even the guy who died actually died. They called this film The Expendables. If they are so expendable, kill some of them off. That would add a bit of tension.
6) Tension. There was none.
7) Big, bad set pieces. There was one, in the stone corridor near the end. Jet Li kicked a man to death, and Terry Crews shotgunned people into paste.
Give me all that, and I will have a blast. Give me nothing, and I'll call your s**tty movie out for exactly what it is... a s**tty movie.