A Painful Homage

Rating: 2/10 (4 September 2010)

Remember the '80s, back when action movies became a a fairly big genre of the form? Back when classic action movies like the Rambo series and Conan came out? That's what Stallone is aiming for in the Expendables, but unfortunately, the attempt falls flat on its slack-lipped face.
I love some of those big dumb '80s action movies. I loved Rambo III, which for the record, ended with a tank crashing into a helicopter. I love over the top action sequences that often break upwards of eight laws of physics in the span of several seconds. The Expendables doesn't give you anything like that, instead feigning the over the top guise with that demon shaky cam. How am I supposed to enjoy the action if I can't SEE it?
Also, I don't know anything about any of the characters except for Mickey Rourke and Dolph Lundgren, who are only in a few scenes themselves. Instead, I guess Stallone thought we wanted to hear about Terry Crews' shotgun that shoots exploding rounds, which would be cool, IF HE WERE TO DO SOMETHING PARTICULARLY RIDICULOUS WITH IT. But no, they gave Dolph and Mickey really interesting back stories and didn't touch upon them AT ALL. Did I mention Randy Couture has cauliflower ears? Interesting. NOW WHY DO I NEED TO KNOW THAT?!?!?!
I also have no idea if the main woman was supposed to be a love interest for Stallone's character, or just someone he idolizes. This is mainly due to the fact that all the dialogue they share is really awkward and poorly written. "What is a gift if it isn't free?" Who talks like that? I don't know, why not ask cauliflower ear guy?
There was a fly-by shooting scene near the beginning of this movie that I guess was supposed to be much more amazing than it turned out to be, and the final confrontation with Steve Austin SUCKED, especially considering he and the other villain in this movie were poorly built up. Really, they made Steve Austin an unstoppable war machine who can't be stopped even by the mighty fist of "Sly" or a giant gasoline fire. What are we supposed to think as cauliflower ear guy wrestles with somebody four times his size? That he can actually defeat Steve Austin? Yeah. We're supposed to believe this.
Also, how did they get back to the island on the plane? How do you hide a giant plane?
This movie sucks. They should've given Mickey Rourke and Dolph Lundgren more screen time. 'Nuff said.