A better title would be The Murtaughs - as they are all too old for this sh*t...

Rating: 6/10 (27 December 2010)

Welcome to #613 in a series of films where Sly Stallone puts holes in people who speak English with a crazy accent.
The Expendables features a large number of tough guys with bicep measurements bigger than their IQs and has a higher body count than syllable count.
The good guys are always quicker on the draw, never miss, don't bleed and are ever-ready with a dopey quip, there are lots of BIG explosions, hundreds of faceless baddies die and no-one runs out of bullets.
There's even a damsel in a tower in need of saving. The best kind too, the one with big tits.
It is safe, predictable, formulaic, and just like your old scuffed slippers very comforting. This is the equivalent of Sex & The City 17 or yet another lousy rom-com with Jennifer Aniston and her latest rumoured baby-daddy. You know exactly what you're gonna get going in, so you're either happy in advance, or on a date and dreading the inevitable 90 minutes of "hilarious" misunderstandings.
And to think in the last 10 years there has been a dearth of real straightforward "action" films, where they haven't tried to be too clever or they attempt more widespread appeal by either toning down the violence for a more kid-friendly rating or add a comedy or romantic element for the ladies.
Well folks the ladies ain't coming to see The Expendables, and we have Sly Stallone to thank for that.
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First up the title has precious little to do with anything in the film, it is the name of the group of mercenaries lead by Stallone. You've seen the poster above so we know a bunch of big guys are in this, the team captains are Sly and Eric Roberts (I'm as surprised as you.). When they decided on this game of pick up they had the following guys to choose from: Jet Li, Mickey Rourke, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Dolph Lundgren, Randy Couture, Terry Crewes and Jason Statham.
This was never going to be Shakespeare. Forget the Expendables, half the team should have been called the Murtaughs - because they are definitely too old for this sh*t.
Couture, Austin and Lundgren can't act, and Jet Li tries but he is about as intelligible as Sly. At least English is his second language, Sly doesn't seem to have a first. But in a movie like this every guy could just say "Uggghhhh" a lot – and some do – and it would be just as good.
A sample of the dialogue that I could actually understand: Bad Guy - "Who sent you?" Good Guy – "Your hairdresser." Keep in mind that was a torture scene; witty, funny stuff! The Expendables are the good guys, Sly has been progressively getting a tattoo across his back with the team's name, I'm guessing after the first year he started pondering shorter names, or altering it to Depends and seeking sponsorship opportunities for his age group.
Many guys means a lot of action, but it does mean some of the leads are marginalised or only get a short span to exhibit their talents, Jet Li for one could have sat this one out and nobody would have noticed, he is one guy that is better than the material.
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To acknowledge what everyone already knows Sly shares a 3 or 4 minute action-free scene with fellow 80s legends Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger. It's fair to say that there are many reasons for Sly's longevity in this business, CGI, botox and 'roids alone added 10 years to his career. But aside from those handy helpers above all Sly knows what guys want to see on screen, bullets, explosions and blood.
See guys aren't very smart, we'll pay money to go to strip clubs to see what the internet provides for free - with $9 warm beer and terrible music hardly a deterrent.
Grown men go to watch professional wrestlers acting in sweaty loud plays and scream along passionately. In both cases we know what we will see, it will be exactly the same as last time. We go anyway.
Sly knows this, he knows these guys have a few bucks even after slipping their second to last $20 in a jaded girl's g-string.
The Expendables is exactly the same as 25 other films I paid money to go and see through the 90s. I and millions of other 15 – 45 year old guys would happily pay 4 or 5 times a year to watch the same film again.
For some reason Hollywood has forgotten about this.
For all my bagging of idiots like Jessica Simpson and Mariah Carey they are nonetheless millionaires and adored by legions of people with low IQs and questionable judgment. There is nothing too clever about The Expendables, it is bereft of intelligence, humour and logic. But by simply recognising that the dumbing down process is the drawcard perhaps Stallone is the smart one after all.
God I hope not.
Final Rating – 6 / 10. Unlike Jackie Chan Stallone never relied on his athleticism, bullets don't get old and slow down.