Yawn, yawn, yawn!

Rating: 3/10 (3 September 2010)

Oh dear, where do I start? The ageing Sylvester Stallone assembles a very impressive cast for this unmitigated disaster of a movie. Whilst I wasn't expecting a collection of the greatest action films ever rolled into one epic blockbuster, I was hoping for something a little more substantial than this embarrassment.
The plot; a group of over-the-hill mercenaries do the business on a fictitious island, killing hundreds of baddies in the process, whilst miraculously not enduring any casualties themselves! Yawn.
Opening with an attack on a ship hijacked by Somali pirates, (and I doubt very much that any of them were actually Somali) stupid dialogue is sprouted off right before the baddies get massacred. With Dolph Lundgren about to hang the last one, his comrades protest by saying "that's not how we operate," before being attacked by Jet Li. Yawn.
Back in the world, the goodies all assemble at a tattoo parlour owned by the appropriately named Tool (Mikey Rourke). Spouting off some nonsense about a girl jumping off a bridge in Bosnia - yawn - he dishes out the jobs, lining up a meeting with Bruce and Arnie. The meeting takes all of 60 seconds, just long enough for a really pathetic joke about Arnie running for president. Yawn.
Visiting the island where a dodgy dictator needs sorting out, it becomes clear that a dodgy ex-CIA goon is the real target, which Sly manages to figure out all by himself. Yawn. The rest of the film is basically a yawn fest, with lots of fights, explosions, baddies being killed, and the pretty girl being saved. Yawn.
I wish I could build a time machine, go back to the other night and stop myself from going in to see this drivel! For film fans from the 80's and 90's, stay at home and watch "Die Hard," "Under Siege," or "Speed," instead of putting yourself through 90 minutes of unadulterated nonsense.
"The Expendables" should sweep the Razzies next year. Definitely wait for this film to come out on DVD, and then use it as a drinks coaster!