Sadly, an expendable movie

Rating: 5/10 (28 August 2010)

Let me start with two caveats: 1. I watched the German-dubbed-version of the movie 2. My seat wasn't that great (fourth row from the front), which probably exaggerated the annoying quick cuts and shaky camera-work.
I wasn't expecting great story-telling or even a great action-flick like "Die Hard". What I did expect from "The Expendables" was a celebration of dumb-but-cool 80s action flicks. Say "Commando" with better production values. Sadly, the movie doesn't deliver that. It's more like the dumb-but-bad 80s flicks à la "Stone Cold". Read: Too self-conscious and too concerned with creating a set of oh-so-cool characters. I mean, come on: A bunch of guys in their 40s/50s and 60s living/working in an "MTV meets Ed Hardy"-style garage, riding around on custom-bikes when they're not off in some foreign country to kill terrorists? Even back in the 80s that would've been a stupid setup. What's wrong with the classic premise of having a bunch of retired pros who are driven out of retirement by a strong incentive (tons of money, unspeakable injustice, challenge by a former ally turned traitor, loved one(s) in despair, etc.) and reluctantly go on one last mission?
But my main gripe with the movie is its lack of good writing. There's not one memorable line that stuck with me, and I just watched the movie two hours ago. If an action-flick is highly quotable, it's usually a good film. You know, stuff like "Yippi-ky-yay-motherf**ker!" or "Let off some steam" or "Consider this a divorce". No one-liners of this caliber are uttered in this show, but then again, see my caveat number 1.
The "serious" dialogue (Mickey Rourke's terrible close-up-speech) seems forced and stapled on, none of the characters are even vaguely fleshed out. Yes, I know they're all tough bad-asses in a no-brains-all-testosterone movie, but even these kind of characters need *some* background to make me care enough about them - and to explain their motivation to go out and mow down baddies by the dozen. Even the mercenaries in "Predator" were less cartoony than the Expendables - and that says a lot. Two or three of the team aren't really introduced at all and are missing for the entire second act. Plus there's no real arc in the story. At no point do our heroes seem really threatened or likely to fail, and none of the good guys die (or even get tortured). And what's their mission again? Not that I cared much after a while, but in a straightforward action-movie, the goal of the heroes should be equally straightforward and plausible.
The villains were underused, not properly introduced and didn't get their deserved showdowns. Plus they weren't nearly evil enough. They're action-movie-villains for cryin' out loud. As such they *should* torture innocent farmers, mutilate little kids and/or their dogs for breakfast and rape nuns/missionaries/ophaned teenagers by the dozen. Rambo 4's gruesome showdown only worked so well because the movie showed the incredible atrocities of the Burmese military in such gory detail.
One of the villains in "The Expendables" even survives his "death" and is welcomed back to the team by the end of the film, even though he betrayed them. Now that, according to 80s-action-flick-rules, is a strict "no-no". A traitor has to die a horrible death at the hands of the hero. Anyhow: I'd rather hire Bennet from "Commando" as my evil henchman than any of the thugs in Expendables.
Which leads me to the action-scenes. Yes, there's plenty of them and the gore-factor is rather high (sadly not as high as in the excellent Rambo 4). Problem is that when the action starts there's almost too much of it and it's filmed and cut in a way that you can't really follow what's going on most of the time. Plus the big showdown takes place at night and on a location that isn't really shown to us beforehand. So we never really know where everyone is in relation to everyone else. If you hated the car chase in "A Quantum of Solace", you probably won't like much of the action in "The Expendables".
So, if you're looking for a film about a bunch of aging warriors doing what they do best, a movie with cool dialogue, good action scenes and a healthy amount of blood, go and rent "The Wild Geese" - just fast forward all scenes with that annoying kid. That old flick is a lot more entertaining, better written and a lot more believable than "The Expendables".