A Cross Between The Seven Samurai and The Muppet Show !

Rating: Null/10 (2 February 2012)

So (Stallone) wanted to work. (Stallone) wanted to remake The Seven Samurai as violent mercenaries. (Stallone) wanted to pay a tribute to the 1980s; its coarse feel, legendary fistfights, no CGI, and soldiers of fortune having adventures in tropical countries. Well, (Stallone) got all of that, but missed other things.
Some points bewitched me, like: The touch of the 50s car; summarizing the whole matter of an old yet metal tough persona. The idea of modern Seven Samurai (who don't die for the sequel!). The deep intention to embody the conflict as a war between a noble worrier, (Stallone), and a black picture of him that he's afraid of turning into someday, (Eric Roberts). The endless wicked one-liners. The cool funny names (Hale Caesar, Toll Road, Yin Yang, Christmas, Barney, Gunner, Mr. Church..). The distinct armlet scene. And if you're hungry for some explosions, the climactic sequence is designed for making you more than full!
On the other hand.. the script; it's almost stupid. In every Seven Samurai version, one of the big secrets of its beauty remains in the variety of the characters of the Seven Samurai themselves. This time, underdeveloped is the main theme! For little instance, (Randy Couture) has no character, no dialogue, no deeds but hitting some dude in the last 10 minutes! Look at the dictator as well. There was a try to make a character out of him but failed. I hated the moment of (Roberts) killing the dictator among all the latter's army; How come for god's sake?!! However, it's naught compared to the moment when the leads agree, suddenly, to sacrifice their own lives since (Stallone) wanted to go back because he loved the girl's drawing??? I was eating myself out of rage during the moment of "We'll die for you man, but don't ask us twice!" This is not macho reaction, this is frank idiocy!
Clearly that script had no time for anything. Therefore, while watching the last big fight, after being away from understanding the tragedy of one nation and one public, you must feel absurd and mindless. Now making a homage to the 1980s action movies is one thing, and tracking down their bad points is totally another!
Then, (Stallone)' face! It reminded me with a line said by (Walter Matthau) in (The Odd Couple II): "I'm not as old as I look. I had this plastic surgery done recently, and the quack doctor botched it up!!" (Stallone) must have injected himself with a gallon of botox, so he looked 1) As someone who looks old AND having a botched up plastic surgery! 2) Unable to act (while he happens to be originally Mr. Sylvester-the unable to act-Stallone!). And 3) an ugly freak with dented eyebrows and about-to-drop eyeballs. In brief, he was creepy and pathetic like a C Horror movie's monster! Why he didn't let his wrinkles show up; it's obvious that he, as well as his character, is OLD!
The rest of the cast wasn't less bad. How come that a respectable critic said that (Mickey Rourke)'s crying scene was "serious acting"? It's well written yes, but his face was melting for God's sake! (Terry Crews) is no peer to (Wesley Snipes) who was the first choice for (Caesar) character. (Dolph Lundgren) was terrible except while he's fighting. (Schwarzenegger) was only a name, used in an inside joke scene, so concerning an action; sure we waited for more. True that (Roberts) was lively; pumping some blood to the movie's acting, but still (Jason Statham) was the one who stole the show. Aside from not having a botox bulimia, (Statham) was lucky enough to have the closest thing to a "character" around!
Where the 80s millions budget did go? I'll tell you: The explosions. The thing is they went on and on and on at the end, as if (Stallone) was compensating the movie's drama by them. Speaking about annoyance, the "mince" violent is. (Willis)'s remark at the church, added by him to the dialogue, was too dirty it's awful. And using the CGI annoyed me very much. Why not making a "completely honest" old fashioned action movie for a change!
Stars + men on a mission + good fights + one-liners + explosions = a winning formula, despite how average it's done this round. The movie resembles its music at the climactic sequence; while looking grand it's - in fact - nothing but hot extended crescendo, with no real melody. Enthusiastic but not moving, huge but not meaty, and amusing but not greatly amusing. So on the scale of fun, (Stallone), the movie-maker, did a good job anyway. I believe with another script, and less botox, it should have been very good though.
(The Expendables) is a B movie celebration a la old fashion. It dreamed of (The Seven Samurai), but in terms of stiff faces and cartoonish characters, it got so close to (The Muppet Show), to become eventually a cross between both, without much of their perfection.