ohmygodgasm!

Rating: 8/10 (6 September 2012)

I'm in a bit of disbelief at just how much I LOVED this movie and the prequel to it. It has all the makings of the juiciest target for my sarcastic lashings.and yet the magical concoction of vein-covered-spray-tanned-muscles, facial expressions limited to south of the nose because of botox, profligate amounts of pyrotechnics, incontestably blasphemous scriptwriting, and puns upon puns upon astonishingly shameless puns left me as happy as a clam tickled pink and thrown over the moon! (my own writing has evidently been inspired by the superfluousness I witnessed.)
I mean really as a girl who grew up watching action movies instead of My Little Pony (even now I'm making this reference without fully understanding what the hell that show was) seeing John McClane, Rambo, The Terminator, and Walker Texas Ranger in one frame had my neurons positively exploding with rapture and disbelief. It was like seeing a leprechaun riding a unicorn. Like deep-frying a Mars bar after first dipping it into cookie dough. And for many, it was probably like watching high-definition porn on a wall-to-wall 3D TV for the first time. Orgasmic overload.
It had me fist-pumping like a frat-boy, laughing so hard I genuinely feared I was going to herniate, and slapping my hands together at every single pun like an aroused seal at Sea-World. Best parts: 1. Playing "The Good, the bad, and the ugly" theme song every time Chuck Norris stepped into frame (in slow motion, of course.) 2. Hearing Schwarzenegger say "I'll be back," "Yippie Kai Yay," AND "Who's next? Rambo?" all in under 60 seconds. 3. The tantric experience of waiting the ENTIRE movie to see Van Damme do his beautiful jumping spin-kick, and then finally seeing it not once, but TWICE in a row and both completely decking Signore Stallone. 4. Watching Michael Sylvester Gardenzio Stallone run in real-time.. because I mean.. let's face it the guy is pushing 70 and the muscles may be bloated past redemption but the joints don't work all that well anymore. And just really quickly, if you Wiki Sly.. it says "an American actor, filmmaker, screenwriter, film director and occasional painter" . really? Occasionally painting what? This year's Ms. October with his spittle? I know.. I'm horrible but the movie is not. Well, it is, by anyone's definition of what a 'bad movie' is but it's really not it's just so so entertaining.