Not a snoozer, but not suspenseful either.

Rating: 4/10 (18 January 2013)

This movie wasn't great, however it wasn't as terrible as some people have made it out to be. Yes, there are problems and plot holes, but if you walked into the theater expecting perfection, you definitely walked into the wrong movie. Sure, you have Sly with his doctored permanently surprised eyebrows and Arnie with his receding hairline, but the fact that they're old and plastic is not the problem here. I couldn't care less if they're 90 and attempting to create an action movie- more power to'em. The problem is that the writing is bad.
This movie is not suspenseful in the least. Don't tell me you were hanging by the edge of your seat, because you probably weren't. This film is predictable and worse for it. Yes, I understand that it's playing off old action film tropes, and I respect that, but it seems a little bit lazy on the part of the writers (who apparently included Stallone) to shoehorn plot clichés in there with no twist or turn to it. The characters themselves also seem invincible to the point of it not being anything of consequence when they get shot. That's another thing, death is treated so nonchalantly that it almost doesn't matter when another mook goes down. Even when an introduced, it's no big deal, because his character hasn't been developed at all. There's no danger involved in this movie, no recovery time, no on the fly medical care. That's what takes away from it, the sense that any time one of our heroes could fall is just not there.
One of the bigger issues in the film is that there's nothing to align yourself to emotionally. To make a good movie, you need a character you can identify and empathize with. Instead we're given simple images- no background story, no nothing. The only one they attempt to do this with is Gunner Jensen, and it even fails to give him some depth. It's awkwardly shoehorned into dialog and the plot; it doesn't make you like him very much, it is there though, which is more than you can say for the rest of the cast. In fact, Gunner is one of the only characters who have lots of characterization between the two films, which is odd considering the fact that he's more or less a background character. We know more about Gunner than we know about Ross, who is supposed to be the main dude! Yes, he's supposed to be mysterious and shell-shocked or whatever, but it wouldn't kill to have even a short flashback sequence, ala First Blood.
That brings me to my next point. The movie was made to be a homage to old action movies, that's really the whole point of it. The issue is that you cannot enjoy this film without background knowledge and its worse for it. If you don't know why the hell Arnie is saying "I'll be back" for the 90th time, it's not funny (though whether it would be in the first place is debatable...) because you don't understand why it isn't funny. I'm not saying that all films should try to cater to everyone who watches them, but the in jokes aren't very amusing. If we wanted to watch Arnie say "I'll be back", we'd pop in a copy of the Terminator, right? Though the film takes inspiration from the golden era of Action films, it shouldn't be dependent on all its one liners from those movies. It takes away from the character, it yanks the character away and all we see is the actor. Many of us probably watched these movies for the actors, yes, but the reason why we liked these guys in the first place was because of the characters they portrayed. The actors were bigger than the characters and that's where the film falls flat. It wouldn't kill to put something new in there, yet when I watched this movie I saw nothing new, just recycled bits and pieces. It's almost embarrassing and definitely cringe worthy.
This movie attempts to prove that these older men don't have their action careers completely behind them, yet it cannot do anything but look back.
Why aren't I giving this film 1 star and calling it a day?
To me, this movie was almost endearing. It's almost like when your kid comes up to you and has drawn the most terrible thing ever, and you still like it because, hell, its your kid. That's how I feel about this, Stallone, Schwarzenegger, Willis, Crews, all of them, while not the best actors on the Earth, got together and made a film and you gotta give them something for that. It was full of fighting mooks and explosions, aptly baddie Russians with Satan tattoos, and hand to hand scenes that will probably make you roll your eyes rather than root for the good guys. Yet somewhere deep inside I can't bring myself to hate this film even if it is a bad movie. You won't get a laugh out of the things that make this movie bad, and you'll indefinitely feel embarrassed by some of the character's actions, but it's a good watch just to say you watched it.
Stallone is old and looks like his face was put together by several wax figure makers, Norris dyes his beard, Schwarzenegger spent his last "action hero" days in the Governor's chair, yet he's still here. Something about that makes me respect them, even if it is a little bit pathetic. That being said, I wouldn't pay one red cent to see this movie and neither should you, if you can avoid it.