Cringeworthy story that the movie isn't funny enough to compensate for

Rating: 2/10 (26 August 2012)

I will briefly discuss the horrible storyline, before I discuss the trite action.
The movie opens with a group of men from different first-world countries slaughtering a bunch of armed dudes. You're not really sure who to route for, or why. The dudes being attacked are torturing Schwarzenegger, so if we are morally opposed to torture then I guess the white/wealthy minority people are in the right here. (Later on the good guys use torture on some people they find and beat up in a bar, so its not much of a moral leg to stand on) The plot is just a haggard series of stepping stones to justify fighting. They will randomly decide on 'no guns' for no real reason when they need an excuse to bring the brass knuckles out, and at one point there is an airport with no visible security staff next to an abandoned plutonium mining facility.
The 'baddie' steals a device from the indiscriminate killers we are supposed to think of as 'goodies', which is supposedly a device leading to tonnes of plutonium that had been abandoned during the cold war. The baddies turn out to have been digging for the plutonium for months (so why they needed the map is a little beyond me), but the plutonium ends upbeing behind a large steel hatch in plain sight. Because apparently thepeople who used to work in the mine cared little for safety and didn't think to put up a sign saying 'warning, plutonium'. Or hell, the baddies could have found the hatch using a Geiger counter and common sense. Probably should have checked the large hatch in the middle of the mine, lads. The baddies then imprison and endanger their own workers for absolutely no reason other than allowing the Goodies to free them later. Because they have to make the good guys on the side of freedom! At one stage the baddies chase a small boy to try and force him to dig in the mine, even though the boys village is full of women in perfectly good shape. Apparently little boys are better miners than grown-ass women. Because terrorists are totally against using women as slaves? Okay.
The 'plot' aside, you would think fun action would compensate. Sadly not. There isn't even a hint of tension or suspense at any stage, its just the good guys firing and hitting their targets while the bad guys fire and hit nearby buildings/civilians. Stormtrooper syndrome, while clustering together to make more of them blow up per explosion.
There are multiple contrived fist fights, and bad guys are often kind enough to point their guns away so that knives can be thrown in their faces plausibly. I really feel like this is a bit of a mismatch. The good guys kill hundreds of armed men, but not a single bad guy ever kills an armed man, or so much as wounds him. Stallone's shirt gets shot twice, but he is still able to run around and fly a plane a minute later.
I will finish discussing the plane. It is a water plane that can take off on land and literally glide through the water. Okay, so it is multi purpose, but as it splits the water neatly aside it is clearly a traditional water plane. It has a hatch on the bottom that people parachute out of at one stage and never seems to fill with water while on the ocean floor, but okay. At another stage they literally ride the plane along a tunnel after its wings break off, and it is suddenly flat at the bottom to accommodate drifting in a straight line. The plane is basically a transformer that fulfills different plane functions when convenient. It flies all over the world, and they never seem to need to refuel it.
Stallone kept making them all go to bed early and then staying up himself, or leaving parties without saying goodbye. I thought that was pretty rude of him.
Chuck Norris told a Chuck Norris joke and made me sad inside.
Terry Crews was still pretty cool, despite what he was surrounded by.
As my last point - the baddie is literally a Satan worshiping terrorist named 'Villain'. This makes me think this movie was meant as a parody, but if that was the case they really should have thrown a couple of jokes in instead of becoming what they were trying to mock.
Tldr: Bruce Willis says I'll be back, Schwarzenneger says Yippee-Kay-Yay, I died inside.