Are you Patient enough for this?

Rating: 2/10 (19 March 2008)

OK, what was this story about again? I am afraid that I never read the book and frankly, this was one of the most confusing movies that I have ever tried to watch in a long time. I get a bit confused on the number of flashbacks between the nurse, the patient and the man with no thumbs. The film didn't even really explain what they were looking for in the desert until they found it; or even how in the world they all knew each other to come together.
After recently seeing the "Pride and Prejudice" movie with Colin Firth, I have been trying to do a study on his film career by watching other movies of his, and bluntly, other than "What a Girl Wants" I am not finding much where he played in that was any good. I am definitely not saying that HE wasn't good. He is really one of the best actors I have seen in the modern day film, but the content and quality of the films he plays in have a lot to be desired.
"The English Patient" is another perfect example of where the director, writer, and crew are just too close to their subject matter to see that the viewer is not getting the picture  literally. The entire movie seemed to be to showcase Ralph Fiennes as a dramatic actor with long periods of emoting that was a bore. Nothing is really explained and every one of the subjects from the beginning seems to need a psychoanalyst evaluation!
Kristin Scott Thomas' character seems to enjoy describing erotic stories standing in front of a totally male audience and titillating other men other than her husband; Colin Firth, who plays her husband, does not necessarily have all his marbles in place and is supposed to be a secret agent  I guess; and Ralph Fiennes walks around like a Roman Mr. Darcy (sorry, Colin!) who thinks he knows it all. The rest of the cast is cast (pun intended) to the four winds as the plot wanders on.
The subplot of the mental stability of the nurse (Juliette Binoche) and her motives and involvement with Naveen Andrews is another confusing element that leaves the viewer with an unsavory taste. But of course, the viewer is still reeling how in the world the first two characters (Thomas and Fiennes) ended up having sex the first time anyway. What was the attraction? There was no chemistry and no build-up. Just a slap, bam, thank you!
And isn't it romantic that Fiennes ended up a traitor helping the Germans by giving them maps to the desert? (sarcasm)
To describe this movie, I would have to simply say, "How to impress your gynecologist with your mammograms and cheat on your sweet, adorable husband who loves you."
The final unbelievable section of this plot is to fathom how anyone would choose Ralph Fiennes over Colin Firth. Firth had very little opportunity to demonstrate any of his acting talents  in fact, when watching the movie, I thought it must have been one of his first. The scene where he had been waiting for his wife all night was perhaps the only two second clip that is worth seeing in the movie. At that, I have no interest in watching it again.
The best scene I liked was the plane crash where Firth is trying to take them all out. Too bad he missed! It would have saved an extra twenty minutes of even more fruitless film. Aerial desert scenes were pretty neat, though.