Not enough English Patience for the English Patient

Rating: 2/10 (5 June 2002)

Working with cinemas, I am constantly surprised at what the industry has approved. Every week she churns out another laughable/dull story, masquerading behind a facade of beautiful cinematography or some loud noises and spectacular explosions.
Of the latter variety, we find a list including such almost homo-erotic classics as Rambo, and the unforgiveable Under-Siege. The former would include 7 years in Tibet, Pearl Harbour. The English Patient unfortunately does little to stem the tide of s***e that drowns the public in an oppressive mediocrity. In fact it muscles in its posterior and seats its fat arse between these two muppets of Hollywood History.
Before discordance escalates about my review, I would like to say that despite being male, I do like some romantic films. The fact that it is a romance is not my problem. My problem is that this film is utterly rubbish.
If you don't want to know what happens then don't read the following -

A burnt Hungarian guy hangs out with some nurse and has flashbacks about an affair he had. Then some guy without any thumbs shows up demanding a little screen-time.
The main protagonists in the flashbacks are unbearably self-centered and include a naive dumbass (Firth), a self-pitying slapper (Scott-Thomas) and an obsessive fool who seems more interested in owning a woman than loving one (Feinnes).
This film cuts in neither in a plot-driven nor Character-driven genre. Any political undertones were quickly shoved under the carpet to discourage too much thought.
So how come so many people like it? One word would be 'Cinematography'. Would anyone like this if it had a less beautiful setting?... say in Hull or Wolverhampton? I doubt it. Maybe the last 15 minutes were magnificent but I thought my arse had been punished enough. There is absolutely no excuse for the feats of willpower one has to endure in watching such an overblown and simply uneventful pass at a film.