Guys, stay away from this one...

Rating: 6/10 (11 December 2004)

I can admire a film for being well crafted, and certainly The English Patient is a beautifully shot and well directed movie. However, the plot plods along slower than a geriatric retiree with arthritis in both knees. Why some women think that this is such a romantic tale is a mystery to me -- my confusion must result from a limitation of owning "Y" chromosomes. The lesson I took away from the movie was: if you cheat on your husband, you'll die alone in a cold dark cave. When I shared this insight with my wife, she looked at me in horror and said, exasperated, "You obviously didn't get it." Too true, and precisely my point. This movie isn't about romance -- it's heavy orchestral atmosphere and pointless tragedy pretending to be romantic. Romances have a hero, and no one -- repeat, no one -- acts heroic in this story. When I left the theatre, I kept wondering: what the heck was the point of that? In short, if you're a man -- unless you have super-extraordinary emotional sensitivity -- you'll be bored out of your mind while watching The English Patient. If you get dragged in to see this movie, bring a lot of patience -- pun intended.