Odious tedium

Rating: 2/10 (6 December 2008)

More than a decade after enduring this atrocity, I am still at a loss to determine what exactly compelled viewers (not to mention the Academy Awards) to lavish this uninspiring vapid mess with such over-the-top praise. There are so many things inherently wrong with the film that it becomes difficult to isolate which one of them is the most responsible for the film's implosion. Based on a popular novel - the reading of which would probably take less time than enduring the film - The English Patient centers on an mysterious count hideously disfigured by burns who victimizes his nurse (and the viewer) with the tale of ill-fated romance that left him physically and emotionally scarred. The film has its moments of beauty, but sweeping desert scenes are a dime a dozen in cinema and hardly earn this film's heralded descriptions of "sweeping" "majestic" and "grand". The film's two biggest problems are its length and its leads. The core story is relatively simple, but is so loaded up with pointless subplots and completely unnecessary extraneous characters that the film literally screeches to a halt shortly out of the starting gate. Willem Dafoe shows up late in the film to overact shamelessly and provide a narrative function that could just as easily have been satisfied by the nurse in a fraction of the time. Meanwhile, Colin Firth, whose character sets the film into motion as part of the central love triangle, is barely given a nod worth of screen time. Director Anthony Minghella seems to have no knowledge of the basics of pace, character development or how to emotionally involve his audience. A truly compelling romance requires that the central pairing crackle and draw the viewer into their emotions, whether the romance is illicit, young love or mature. Ralph Fiennes and Kristin Scott-Thomas are both singularly fine actors, but both share a similar acting style in that they are often restrained and emotionally aloof. The writing and dialog between them leaves the viewer unable to tell whether their characters are in love or merely in lust - but either way the actors generate zero chemistry between each other. Both come across as cold, selfish, uninteresting and emotionally inaccessible - leaving a glacial dead zone smack in the center of the film. To somewhat alleviate that, we get a romantic subplot between the nurse and a Sikh bomb expert that has a bit more emotion, but placing the emotional burden of the film on two supporting characters is highly unfair and completely ineffective. Juliette Binoche, as the nurse, acts pretty much like your standard super-model, leaving what little sympathy is generated to come from Naveen Andrews appealing work. By the time the film inexcusably limps towards its unforgivable third hour, most viewers will actually be rooting for the English Patient to do away with himself and regret that he had not done it a good 90 minutes earlier. Simply dreadful pretentious piffle.