Romantic?

Rating: 4/10 (18 May 2010)

This is a movie that divided audiences. A lot of people complained about how slow it was. ("Hurry up and die!") The script is only 135 pages long, and much of that was left on the cutting room floor, yet the movie still runs for 150 minutes!
[ What's missing from the movie? Hana's fiancé makes several appearances in the script and it's sad when Hana learns he is dead. In the movie, she suddenly becomes depressed after somebody prattles on about "Picton", as if that meant something. Kip had a major story of his own, all cut from the movie. At one point in the movie he tells Hana he "wants to be found." That has a corollary in the script, but it was cut, leaving the line dangling. There's stuff about the sexuality of some of the other team members, almost all cut, but with a couple of tiny, unexplained moments left in the movie. ]
STORY
The scene is set by a reading from Herodotus (ancient Greek historian) of the story of Candaules, king of Lydia, and Gyges, a soldier. Candaules wants Gyges to be impressed by the beauty of his naked wife, so he sets up an opportunity for Gyges to spy on her when she undresses for bed. The nameless Queen learns of what happened and tells Gyges he must either submit to death for what he's done, or kill Candaules and take his place as King. Assassination follows, with the Queen and Gyges living together happily ever after.
When Geoffrey Clifton leaves his wife Katherine behind in the desert while he goes off adventuring, she comes close to dying in a sand storm. Almásy brings her through safely. Subsequently Katherine jumps into bed with Almásy, Geoffrey finds out and, consumed by jealousy tries to kill the three of them by crashing his plane into Almásy on the ground. He dies at once, Katherine dies some undefined time after, and Almásy much later.
TIME
The dates in the movie don't make much sense. They meet in the desert in 1938. Start the affair during that year and snatch a grubby bonk in a cupboard during the 1938 Xmas Party. The desert story ends after everyone goes home in May 1936, by command of the British Government. Almásy is supposed to be collected by Geoffrey in the plane and be taken out, except he tries to crash the plane into him instead. This must be May 1939. Almásy places the injured Katherine in a cave and heads off for help. He is arrested by the British Army, from whom he escapes, and is assisted by the German Army with fuel to fly another plane back to the cave. This suggests the military situation in North Africa of 1941 or 1942. The plane, with a perfectly preserved corpse in the front seat, is shot down by the Germans (date unknown). Almásy then appears as the Patient in an Allied Hospital train in 1944 in Italy. He lingers until after the European war ends in May 1945.
ROMANCE
This is, allegedly, a romantic movie. The "romance" consists of a married woman having an affair with a bloke she meets in the desert. The high point is the second time they're shown getting together, on her first wedding anniversary, while the cuckolded husband sits in a taxi outside the hotel waiting for her to reappear. He is aware of what is going on inside, but confines his response to sucking warm champagne out of a bottle. If that is "romance", I know I could live a long time without any, thank you so much.
BODICE RIPPER
At the high point of passion, Almásy rips Katherine's blouse open. He is rewarded with sight of a chest to match that of many adolescent males. As compensation, Kristin Scott Thomas provides a view of her pubic region as she decamps a bath. Sexy? No. This is followed by Almásy sewing the blouse together again, which is as close as the movie comes to unbridled excitement.
If you enjoy lingering views of desert sand, try LAWRENCE OF ARABIA.