An Exercise in Pointlessness

Rating: 1/10 (28 May 2014)

I figured that with a title as pedestrian as The English Patient, it has to be good, right? First off, I thought I was in WWI, not WWII, because they were using bi-planes. The first plane is a Stearman, an American aircraft used only state-side in WWII, for training purposes.
The proper plane to use, for two people, is the British Boulton-Paul Defiant, several of which are still flying. Later, a Dehavilland Tiger Moth (WWI-era) shows up. OK. Forget about the ill-chosen airplanes.
There is a woman in the front (observer) seat of the Stearman when it is hit and downed by German anti-aircraft fire. Who was she? I don't recall anyone mentioning her. OK, forget about the unknown lady who burns to death.
Speaking of burning to death, how did the pilot escape? If the fuel tank was in the front of the airplane, which it apparently was supposed-to-be (I'm not an expert on Stearmans), then he had about ten seconds, at 200 mph, before he is burned alive. Okay. He only suffered some burn to his face. The fire looked rather serious to me.
Next, we have the nurse in the back of a truck, riding alongside a jeep containing her friendly, cheery nurse friend. Her wonderful friend (maybe the only person in the film who we actually like) promptly hits a land-mine and she dies. Why? What purpose does this serve? How is this carnage part of the plot?
Why is the field hospital shelled (by the Germans?)? How does this contribute to our understanding of the story?
Excited yet? Me neither. After her fellow-nurse friend is killed, she decides to basically desert her post and derelict her duties by taking the afore-mentioned, facially-burned pilot to a church that appears abandoned to her.
She was wearing an army helmet (from WWI), so I assume she was an Army nurse. This is desertion. Honorable enough, if we are given a solid reason for her taking this risk and putting herself in such jeopardy for another individual human being. We are given no such reason.
She finds a king-sized bed for him, as well as mosquito netting, food, water and fuel and supplies to cook with. Not bad, for a place on the front lines of battle.
After that, this kooky guy shows up, (played by Willem DaFoe). Let me get this straight: He says he is in the same Canadian Military unit as some people who know her, he is just "checking up" on her, and that he "lives" nearby? He is also her neighbor in Montreal, Canada? Not very likely.
Once he gets inside the church where the burned guy is, he proceeds to insult the guy who is recovering, questioning his identity. WTF?
After the "insult the handicapped guy" scene, we are brought to a somewhat elegant get-together, where (mostly British?) people in formal attire are chatting about their stocks and shares. This is when I turned the movie off. This movie could have excelled had it been done by a small budget, independent, foreign (Italian or French) film maker and a screen-writer who knows how to create compelling and meaningful dialogue. This way, it could have adhered to the plot and intention of the novel.