Cinema Goes Down The Hole Again

Rating: 1/10 (8 January 2009)

I don't quite know where to start, here. I see all of these stellar postings and superlative encomiums and think 'have they watched the same movie?'
Some people may call me a chauvinist before I'm through, but I prefer to consider myself a realist. A bunch of young women go caving. With tiresome predictability; each tries to out-macho the other like so many Ellen Ripleys. It just doesn't work. For one thing; she was on her own - even when in the company of others. Secondly; Sigourney Weaver at least learnt to act.
Soon, they're arguing and falling-out. Their voices are shrill and brittle and painful to hear. The echoing almost makes them unintelligible. Lo and behold! they've remembered their cosmetics but forgotten the map. Well; we all know that females can't interpret maps anyway so no surprises there, then. The main thing is that they can still look good even if they're lost.
Perhaps the director himself is the chauvinist, for perpetuating the appearance that women simply shouldn't go off to anywhere remotely dangerous without at least one nice sensible bloke to look after them. Because that's what this movie desperately cries out for: one or two male actors to bring a little objectivity to the affair.
As it is, when things begin to go pear-shaped, we see exactly the sort of tantrums and hysterics that have long since disinclined me towards female companionship in a hazardous situation. I've seen it all before at first hand. A small number of females do excel (the Ellen Ripleys of this world); sadly, despite 30-years of feminism; most play the headless-chicken card. At least to this extent it is an accurate portrayal, but I always find tantrums and hysterics rather tiresome. They're especially cheap as a means of provoking drama.
If the pettish bickering, the strident whining, and wrong-time-of-the-month histrionics aren't a big enough turn-off, then the lighting - or lack of it - is the clincher.
I know that in caves there is usually no light other than what we take with us, and as a consequence, what we see here is a perfectly reasonable representation of the subjects' predicament; but when the lack of illumination results in a more complete confusion to the viewer than the character, it becomes almost impossible to follow the plot. This bunch of young women are of broadly the same age, height, weight, vocal pitch, etc; so that in the gloom it is extremely difficult to tell what was happening and to whom. Often it is just a shrieking, flickering chaos. I could endure this for a few minutes, but for a whole movie? forget it.
After about two-thirds of the way through; I gave it up. I didn't care a rap about the characters, and had never been induced to do so. They're just a group of silly, shallow girls who should never have strayed beyond their campus. There is no particular build-up of tension, scarcely any backfill story, no cohesion in the plot whatsoever. In fact it would have made a better radio-programme because instead of trying to make sense of the abstract, twilit bedlam, a listener could simply have sat back and employed imagination.
What this movie demonstrates is the imperative of good acting and believable characterisation with sufficient depth to enable us to care about them, to say nothing of the need for sufficient light to see what the hell is going on. Realism is no use if the result is indiscernible confusion. There should also be much greater disparity of ages and temperaments.
If you like seeing young women doing what they do best, or perhaps NOT seeing them doing it, then you'll probably enjoy this. But if you prefer plausible acting, characters you can care about, events you can at least follow without the need for ESP, then give this a miss.
I think that if these young women really had to do something exciting enough to dampen their knickers; they should have gone climbing instead. At least the viewer could have seen what was happening most of the time. And they should remember to take a couple of nice sensible blokes with them, that way if they forget their maps it won't matter. And if they get into any trouble, at least two of their number will know what to do.
This crap should definitely be left where it went.