Nice spelunk-a-dunks, ladies!

Rating: 7/10 (4 August 2006)

Smothering. Suffocating. Stomach-churning. All words to describe the feeling of Rosie O'Donnell sitting on your chest (I lost a bet in college once; don't ask). But these words also accurately describe Lionsgate's European horror import The Descent. I wish "scintillating story" were two other "s" words I could use in my cute little description, but I guess we can't always have it all. Darn you Bogey and McCall!
Be aware that this is a film for hardcore horror films. It's gory. Gorier than I expected. If you're not in the mood to see thumbs digging into eye sockets, heads being bashed against rocks, sharp objects going through jugulars, or the cringe-inducing sight of broken bones and gaping wounds then you might want to look for something a little lighter to satisfy your entertainment needs. If you're a self-admitted wuss then you'll probably feel more at home at a James Blount concert. But if you like a slice of horror served raw, gritty, and with nastiness to spare then The Descent will highly entertain.
The atmosphere is effectively eerie, the tension is constant and claustrophobic, and the cave setting rarely allows a moment of comfort. Some of the best visuals happen even before we're introduced to the cave-dwelling creatures. I felt uneasy just watching these lovely ladies crawling through tight spots and hanging over cavernous spaces. The creatively subtle use of music only adds to the discomfort and helps make our anticipation of what's going to happen even more unsettling than what we eventually see play out on screen.
I also really liked seeing a handful (plus one) of girls flex their toned little muscles and kick some monster rumpage. I don't always need my heroes to be big tough guys with five o'clock shadow to spare and cigars to chomp. Feel free to give me some ladies who are ready to throw down and refuse to cringe and cry in the corner. Of course, I prefer that they be fit and fairly good-looking. I am a male, after all. But the director is to be commended for using the ladies as more than mere window dressing.
Granted, I'm not sure how the deformed-looking Gollum creatures could easily kill huge animals and strip them to the bone yet they were easily punked out by some skinny gals, but that's just one of those internal flaws that you have to resign yourself to not obsess over.
There are a few of those throughout the film. The biggest flaw being that there isn't much story of which to speak. Read my plot description and you've got about 90% of the story. Though I do highly recommend that you pay careful attention to who's who and what's what at the very beginning. Otherwise, you might be confused as to why certain things happen at the end of the movie.
There's still a good chance you'll be confused anyway because for some inexplicable reason the filmmakers decided to go the whole "let's make the audience scratch their collective head and go huh?" conclusion. Why? It's a disappointment. I wanted a finale that would really knock me over. Saw's final 10 minutes come to mind.
I've heard that the European version's ending was more satisfying, so I guess I'll have to wait and see if the DVD gives me the closure I was craving. Something a little less clichéd, perhaps. We know; women scorned have a lot of fury. Apparently Hell is no match for them. But come on, would... no, I won't say any more; I don't want to spoil anything, so I'm stopping here.
The Descent won't appeal to all audiences, but it'll definitely please all you horror fans who are sick and tired of crap like When a Stranger Calls that thinks 90 minutes of a phone ringing is satisfactory tension.
THE GIST
If you like your horror films loaded with atmosphere, tension, and gore then you'll be highly entertained by The Descent. However, if you demand a deep plot and detailed backstories then you just might be disappointed. Your best bet is to go in fully prepared to ignore the film's logical flaws and its sometimes crutch-like usage of cheap (yet effective) "jump scares." The faint-of-heart need not apply.