The DeFarted

Rating: 1/10 (31 March 2011)

I've lived in and around Boston my entire life. I have always been interested to see what the rest of the world (or at least Hollywood) thinks about we proud Bostonians, from the Fenway Park scene in "Field of Dreams" to Daniel Stern's watching the Celtics and Red Sox in "Little Monsters". So it was with much anticipation that I rented "The Departed". You see, I had been plied with much gushing praise from all quarters: my mom, the hipster guy I worked with at Newbury Comics who wore jeans that were made for women, the Press, and on and on.
Let's just say that I was a tad let down. Now I've read plenty of reviews about the myriad plot holes, the wooden acting, the absurd amount of F-bombs, and how it pales in comparison to the Chinese film it was based on. So I will assume all of that is given, and try my best to elucidate the rage I feel towards this complete waste of celluloid.
First, as I have said, I live in Boston, have for all of my 32 years. And I can tell you that the "Baaahstun" accent you hear from EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER in this movie is really not as prevalent as Hollywood would like you to believe. I don't have one, most of my friends don't have one, and the majority of my family (also mostly life-long Bostonians) have only a slight trace. Outside of Gloucester (significantly north of Boston; see the completely different yet equally putrid Mark Wahlberg vehicle "The Perfect Storm") and Quincy (pronounced Kwin-Zee, dood), this manner of speaking is usually reserved for those amongst us who assault people walking around with Yankees caps. That said, the cast's grasp on this accent is tenuous at best, recalling at times Kevin Costner's butchery of the King's English in "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves". Even purported Bostonians Damon and Wahlberg struggle to maintain their comically over the top disregard for the letter "r" (i.e "Pahk the Cah in Hahvahd Yahd", which, if you didn't know, is impossible).
Secondly, what is the deal with the gratuitous use of the Rolling Stones' "Gimme Shelter"? With literally billions of songs to choose from, why use the same one over and over again? I have the same gripe with "I'm Shipping Up To Boston" by the DREADFUL Dropkick Murphys. But further than its multiple uses in this movie, it was, and still remains five years later, inescapable: from clownish man-child Sox pitcher Jon "Pap" Papelbon dancing to it at the end of every game in the '07 World Series run to, well, every other public event/radio broadcast/suburban backyard barbecue. But instead of affecting a comically inept Boston twang like the cast, they opt for a faux-Irish brogue. Turns out they're about as Irish as Killian's Red (made with pride in Golden, Colorado!)
The fact that this won Scorsese an Oscar for Best Director and Best Film(!) is absolutely baffling. This piece of garbage, better than Goodfellas? Taxi Driver? Raging Bull? Absurd. Absolutely absurd. I watched it with my girlfriend and best buddy, and both of them fell asleep about a third of the way through, leaving me to yell at the TV screen and point out all the obvious flaws to the rare New England air. Living proof that Mr. Scorsese has lost any and all magic that he once commanded. Pathetic.