The end of the world + Wolves = I love it!

Rating: 2/10 (25 January 2005)

***SPOILERS*** ***SPOILERS***
Can you make a movie chronicling the destruction of almost all of modern civilization, and still give it a satisfyingly feel-good ending where everyone lives happily ever after? Quite frankly, no, you cannot. But don't try to explain that to Roland Emmerich!
The Day After Tomorrow follows the adventures of the creatively named Jack Hall. (Never would have thought of that one! Next time, just call him "Joe Everyman"). Jack is a roguish and undisciplined climatologist (how often do you come across one of those?), who discovers that the world is well on its way to death by global warming, and the following world freeze caused by an alteration in the ocean's currents.
His cries are silenced, however, by an eye-rollingly familiar, half-witted President, whose decisions are made by sinister old Vice President Becker. At the sight of this Dick Cheney look-alike, I was tempted to switch off the DVD and tune into the TV show Becker. At least Ted Danson used to be entertaining. Sort of.
Poop hits the fan sooner than even our lone hero expected, sending a super awesome and cool tidal wave crashing through New York City. The wave leaves Jack's son Sam trapped in a public library with his brainy friend, his button-cute crush, and a preppy, rich snob, who is his rival for the lady's attention. It's the plight of every teen aged boy with an apocalyptic twist!
Our heroically heroic hero of heroes decides to do the only insanely brave thing, and sets out to find his son and the young man's peers. Because, once he reaches them, they'll automatically be safe and everything will go back to normal. I guess. "Don't worry, son! Daddy will save you from the ice age!"
In addition to millions of other Americans, the life of our dear President is lost in the turmoil. Now you've done it, Dick Che er, "Vice President Becker". When will you learn to listen to scruffy hippies about world policy, and that your daughter's sexuality is not a choice, but the way that she was born?
While Jack and some of his friends journey onward, Sam's lovely crush comes down with a nasty bout of blood poisoning. In order to save her life (and score some major brownie points), Sam decides to follow in dad's footsteps and play hero, and, in search of penicillin, boards an abandoned ship that had been floating around outside the building before the big freeze.
He and his friends board the ship, only to realize that, not only is it balls-cold, but there is a terrible horror lurking about the ship CGI killer wolves, escaped from their zoo and gone weather kah-RAZY! I'd love to have been present at the brainstorming session where Roland & Company thought that one up. "Well, guys, we've got a major action adventure with an important message and insane special effects on our hands, but I can't help but feel like we're missing something. Wait, I've got it! WOLVES, baby!"
The rich snob (turned lovable friend) meets his tragic demise aboard the ship. I forget how (can you blame me?). But now there are bigger things to worry about Sam and his brainy friend (who has been injured and can't walk) must make it back to the library before a creeping super-frost reaches them! Sorry, Roland, but anyone who has ever seen The Mummy Returns will tell you that scenes involving any character trying to outrun nature are hoaky and sigh-worthy.
As the American people fight for survival, news is released that, the farther south you go, the less you will be affected by the killer weather. This news causes a great overflow of illegal immigrants into (dun dun duuuunn) Mexico! It's a role reversal, get it? After many generations of Americans have looked upon illegal immigrants with scorn, WE are now the intruders! So, you see, we should be understanding and supportive of illegal immigrants, because they may be native to a country that is our one and only hope of survival, should we ever be caught in the middle of an instant Ice Age (just add greenhouse gases!).
In order to gain clearance for all of our destitute citizens, the United States is forced to cut a deal to clear all of Mexico's debts with our fair land. Now THAT'S compassion!
In the end, everything just clears up to normal. Sam's lass is cured, our virile and endearing hero reaches the kids in time, and the Ice Age clears up after scarcely a week (the rest of America is fast-paced, so why shouldn't the same apply to our natural disasters?).
What's more, our churlish, environment-abusing President Becker softens up and offers and apology to the people of the United States. Never mind that millions of lives and trillions of dollars worth of civilization have been lost forever he's sorry! Isn't that cute? And, of course, he offers gratitude and apologies towards the Mexican government. For you see, after years of referring to Mexico as a third-world country, the Mexican government took us in out of the kindness of their hearts. Never mind that we had to clear all debts with the country in order to make it happen, or that I've never once heard Mexico referred to as a third-world country in all my life. It was just so sweet of them to do us a favor!
Now, as much as I've joked my way through this review, I must admit that I was not quite so easy while viewing this movie. In all its implacable stupidity, it's almost unbearable to watch, and may very well cause you to lose even more faith in summer blockbusters. Avoid it, unless you are simply starved for new special effects. Even then, you may want to do some careful scene selection and press the mute button.
2/10