Oh... My... God...

Rating: 1/10 (28 May 2004)

The Day After Tomorrow (No Stars)
Ahem, no. This film is bad. This film is very, very bad. What makes it so bad? Oh, where to begin? It started with a character saying "Shouldn't you be checking the weather or something?" while making out with a weather station operator. I figured, 'okay, I'm in for a stupid movie. Maybe I can enjoy it if I just shut my brain off.' Didn't work. This is one of the most idiotic, convoluted messes I have ever had the misfortune of seeing. One of the film's many opening scenes (it has to introduce every flat, flawless character involved, natch) has the impassioned scientist (played by Dennis Quaid, natch) giving his hard pressed speech to the stern, enviornment hating Vice President, who just happens to look like Dick Cheney's mongoloid twin brother. He doesn't care about the scientist's concerns, and leaves the world set on self destruct mode. Can you blame him though? Even I wouldn't buy that, and I hate Republicans. Naturally, because mean old Mr. Cheney wouldn't listen, the world decides it's time to make him suffer, and goes ape on L.A. After this little incident, the government still doesn't care about Mr. Quiad's doomsday foray. Cause he just has to be so different to make an action movie work. Which brings me to my real complaint. EVERY CHARACTER IS DUMB AS A CHICKEN! How the hell could I believe these people are capable of tying their own shoes, let alone being the only people in Manhattan capable of surviving a second ice age? When a movie makes you feel nothing for the characters, the movie has failed. When the movie has you cheering for them all to die, there is something seriously wrong with it. I wanted them all to die violently. This film evokes all the emotions it isn't going for. Its eight or nine attempts at jokes fall flat every time. The blatant 'Look at me, I'm being funny!' level humor is not only pointless; it's also a little insulting to audiences. The films tongue-in-cheek product placements were obnoxious at times, and downright ridiculous at others. Fox News, The Weather Channel and Wendy's were the most insulting bits; though I did laugh when a Fox Newscaster gets smacked with flying debris. If only that was the reaction they were going for. This wouldn't be the last time a laugh at what is suppose to be a tense moment. There is a scene, in which three characters are looting a ship and are attacked by timber wolves escaped from animal cages. I'm going to repeat that. This movie about surviving a natural disaster... has a scene... in which characters are chased through a ship... by escaped timber wolves. If it takes you more than five seconds to comprehend how idiotic that is, then this movie may be for you. Not only was the scene awful, the CGI wolves looked so horrible that I couldn't stop laughing throughout the entire scene. The production as a whole was, without a doubt, one of the worst action sequences I have ever seen. Avoid this film for the infected hemorrhoid that it is.