How to be Batman

Rating: 6/10 (23 July 2012)

Although I thoroughly enjoyed the performance of many, (Alfred, Cat Woman, Robin) I was utterly confused by the hype surrounding Rises, so I wrote this guide to dissect the caped crusader without ligaments in his knee.
How to be Batman (The Dark Knight)
Be charming, capable, convincing billionaire playboy.
Dump on villains in clever ways, including:
Extraditing a crime boss by attaching him to a plane
Save some idiot by suavely blocking a truck with Lambo
Mysteriously delve in and out of the shadows, juxtaposed to a phenomenal Joker performance.
Defeat the greatest villain of all time by tapping into every cell phone in city.
Sacrifice lifelong love interest for beloved city.
Become martyr for said city.
Alfred is sometimes sad, but mostly proud.

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Batman for Dummies (The Dark Knight Rises)
Do very little for very long time with cane,
get stuck in prison with NO LIGAMENTS in knee and dislocated..vertebra. Yes, vertebra.
Jump (only way to escape the symbolism laden prison, despite being unqualified to ski or even walk)
Somehow find way back into city under complete lock down (unexplained)
Deliver all lines loudly and in plain sight, omitting mysterious and shadowy persona of Batman entirely.
Ask Cat Woman for help (who seems to be doing everything)
Ask Gordon to do the obvious.
Repeat for Lucius
Meanwhile, time is running out
Fly "The Bat", free policemen, then take 5 minutes to dodge 1 volley of missiles between shooting at nothing.
Punch (very prevalent)
Despite a ticking clock and a tendency towards highly intuitive, sophisticated gadgets, more punching.
Get stabbed, despite a valiant punching effort.
Luckily, villains are clueless without the Joker, and decide to wait 5 months for a bomb to self detonate despite very little symbolism and relevance.
Meanwhile, thousands of policeman walk headfirst into heavily fortified line of automatic weapons.
Luckily, villains have never committed a crime and run forward into crowd holding guns, thereby negating any strategic advantage.
Punchfest in town square.
Meanwhile, with no instruction, Cat Woman + Bat Bike is busy doing the hard but simple work of taking out Batman's ENTIRE SOPHISTICATED ARMORY.
After waiting 5 months, Bain decides he can't wait 11 more minutes and tries to shoot you.
Try to recover from numerous plot holes, get into "The Bat"
Swallow clichés and fly neutron bomb off into sunset.
Die in emotionally charged explosion.
Alfred, a highly logical man, is mostly sad, and sometimes confused, but happy to see world renowned "dead" billionaire sitting in plain sight, undisguised, in crowded eatery with Cat Woman.
The End.
The man had no. ligaments.
Even to bypass that by saying his little mechanical knee was powered by some Ironman-like device, there were just too many inconsistencies for me to love this movie.
If nothing else, batman completely disregarded his presence, best served from the shadows. Looking at him in full sight every scene at poorly shot camera angles, delivering his lines just made him and his armor look.. a little ridiculous.
I can't fathom why critics are touting this movie as a worthy successor when it had none of the cold, dark, perverse, morality-driven themes that define Batman. There was no satisfying sense of choice or sacrifice in this movie. Instead, the plot looks like: I should climb out of prison, lets save the city, there's a bomb, I'll sacrifice myself, oh wait, turns out I'm alive. CUE CREDITS
Highly disappointed.