The Catholic Church should be more worried that we'll die of boredom....

Rating: 2/10 (22 May 2006)

I was hoping for a hundred and fifty minutes of a wild ride, and this movie was, instead, a huge freakin' bore.
**SPOILERS FOLLOW!!!** Tom Hanks is asleep for a good 2/3rds of the movie, and that poor French girl (Audrey Tatou) has a repertoire of facial expressions that run the gamut from mild surprise to slightly less mild surprise.
Sample dialogue: "Hey, Audrey. You're not really named Sonnier, the guy that raised you isn't really your grandfather, you're the pawn of a fanatical religious cult, and to top it off, you're the direct descendant of Jesus Christ." Audrey: "Oh, wow." Jean Reno needs to retire - or else to get an Oscar for having played exactly the same character for an entire career in at least 271 films; and Akiva Goldsman, who word-processed the sleeping-pill of a screenplay, ought to be murdered with a flagellum. I don't say it to be mean. I say it because someone has to be sacrificed in order to save the world from future screenplays like "I, Robot," "Lost in Space," and "Batman and Robin." Now that we can't accuse Dan Brown of plagiarism anymore, I say we get together and file a class-action lawsuit against Ron Howard for party-pooping instead.