Cobblers, but no-one will bother listening

Rating: 3/10 (17 May 2006)

So the over-hyped film of the over-hyped book of the long-discredited theory is here. And since the movie's reached some sort of untouchable-by-critics status, because you're considered a leper if you're somehow not part of the mania, then I suspect it won't matter if it's utter tripe because people will be drawn to it with the inevitability of rubberneckers to a car crash.
And what a car-crash. I don't have enough room to write about Tom Hanks' ridiculous haircut (Professor of symbology? Media studies, more like) or the non-existent chemistry between him and his French sidekick - whose character, somewhat ridiculously, has to be portrayed as completely clueless in order for the film to spoon-feed lessons to the audience to make sure they're up on the plot.
It all makes me glad I didn't pay to go and see this, a small consolation given that I'd already been drawn into wading through Dan Brown's book (for heaven's sake, man, overexcited schoolboy prose does NOT a novel make).
Poor Ron Howard had an unenviable task to turn this scrag-mutton into something watchable and, to be fair, the end result of this film-making-by-numbers would probably have been passable - if only we hadn't been led to believe we'd all be going straight to hell drenched in petrol if we didn't agree that this twist on The Greatest Story Ever Told was, er, the greatest story ever told.
Of course, writing this is probably a waste of time. Those of you who think the story, for all its well-publicised flaws, is still a fantastic yarn will stick two fingers up at the rest of us and spend your money regardless. Those of us who wish Dan Brown had done his research better, hadn't made so many authenticity claims for something which clearly wasn't, and had managed not to make such a bland and horribly tough-to-swallow spaghetti from such potentially rich ingredients won't be rushing to make him any richer.