Stupid Movie, for Intelligent, Unbiased People

Rating: 2/10 (6 March 2007)

Sorry, but I had to balance out the other reviewer on this site who said the movie is great, and if you have a problem with it, it's because you have a problem with your faith. That is utterly presumptuous and arrogant. I do have a problem with this movie, for several reasons. First and foremost is that it's another example of Christianity being the target of all things liberal, politically correct, and elitist. Let's just put our thinking caps on for a minute, and ask the question: what type of reaction do you think we could expect from the Jewish community, or the Muslim community, regarding a popular, well touted movie based upon the premise that their sacred beliefs, and history, are a farce? Would everyone just say "oh, that's just fiction, don't get your pants in a bundle", especially if it was day in and day out where their religion was torn apart, analyzed by people who had no knowledge whatsoever of what they spoke? By people who had such a comically minimal knowledge of history, that they believed anything they read? That anything was possible, if it was presented well? That Aliens with nine heads and one foot were actually the conspirators who wrote the bible? Yeah, that could happen! This movie was so bad, and not just because it was slow moving, and forced. Teabing (McKellan) tells his version of the Christians coming to attack the pagans, which is in fact a gross misrepresentation of history (failing to mention the centuries of persecution of the Christians, by the pagans), and Tom Hanks makes a pitiful little comment, obviously aimed at an attempt to make the movie look balanced (but failing, miserably!) like, "well, we don't know who started the war, first". Oh, thank you so much for that thrown bone! Yes, it's such an unbiased movie, so enlightening, such great food for thought, and SO fair! Opie, Opie, Opie, where did we go wrong, son?
Also, the depiction of the council at Nycene (sorry, misspelled I'm sure) was ludicrous: hundreds of men in robes, yelling all at once and falling over each other, shouting out their opinions like they were at the horse races, or brokers in the middle of a heated and hectic day at the New York Stock Exchange. Was this really necessary? It's like, taking a historical event, such as say, the first day that African Americans went into the white school in the south, peacefully, and with police guard. Make a movie though, showing hundreds of African Americans forcing their way into the school, punching every white person in the face, and planting shovels and spears into the ground. But, it's just fiction, right? And who cares if it's blatantly historically inaccurate? African Americans wouldn't mind, right? So, why should a few disgruntled Catholics. Okay, the truth of the matter is, the council at Nycene was a thoughtful, prayerful gathering of scholars and men of the cloth, whose monumental, and difficult job it was to determine which gospels were authentic, and reliable, and which were the modern day version of National Enquirer. Which to include in the bible, which to exclude. These were not idiot, megalomaniacs given this job. Give me a break! The ending made me laugh (SPOILER!!!), and it almost seemed like Tom Hanks couldn't keep a straight face as he said " you are the last descendant of Jesus Christ". Oh, God. I can't even begin to explain how incredibly lame that whole premise is. It was good for a laugh, though, but in the end, the anger I feel for this latest stab at the "Repressive Christian Organizational Administrating Establishment Conspiracy for Sheep People" ruins any fun or humor the movie provided. Also, I was truly looking forward to seeing the Louvre, and scenes of modern day France, since I haven't been there in two decades. But, the movie was so dark, I really didn't see anything at all. Except for the pryamid, and for that I was kind of thankful......
Honestly, if the subject matter were different,and it was a different truth they were seeking, and it didn't involve a bunch of murderous Catholics gunning each other down (!), I MIGHT have enjoyed it........but I'll never know. It might have been more enjoyable if the Holy Grail ended up being the Easter Bunny, but what the film REALLY needed in the end was Barney Fife, holstered gun, earnest look on his face, pacing back and forth and complaining into his walkie talkie "ANNNNDY, I CAN'T come to the picnic tonight, I'm guarding the tomb of the Magdalene!"