Well... great locations...

Rating: 1/10 (26 May 2006)

I just got back from seeing this appalling stain on the toilet bowl of human expression and felt moved to actually write a comment about it.
I should point out that I thought the book was: 1) the most appallingly badly written book I have ever read; 2) fatuous nonsense; and, 3) possibly some kind of enormous joke at the expense of the unwashed and credulous masses who seem to have lapped it up as if they had been presented with the secrets of the universe.
I should also mention that I really couldn't care whether Jesus Christ spawned an army of bastards, it is none of my concern. I am not a Catholic, although watching this film made me want to become one as a sort of protest.
Before I begin reviewing, there is one thing I must, I absolutely must ask. Please, dear sweet American cousins, please understand that there isn't actually a law that requires all Englishmen to drink tea to the exclusion of all else. We do not have members of the aristocracy called Tea-anything. Certainly not Teabing. In fact, in a brief search of the London telephone directory I was unable to find a single person whose name began with Tea. Tea is drunk in this country, it is true. But, and its a biggie, we drink coffee too. Its okay, I know you may not have taken that in, feel free to get your breath back and read it again. That is right, the British do actually drink hot drinks other than tea. Don't worry if you want to sit down for a moment to take that in. There... you have just taken your first steps into a larger universe.
Now that I have nailed my colours to the mast I can get down to the film.
I have read numerous reviews lauding the quality of this film and, despite having hated the book I thought "why not, this could be okay". I came out of the film feeling as if I had just been subjected to two and a half hours of cancer delivered directly through the eyes. I would have walked out but somehow I was captivated by it all. "Surely," I kept saying to myself "nothing can be this consistently abysmal. Dear god, surely not". I was wrong, it really was THAT bad.
Tom Hanks' performance made me think that there was a guy from the Jim Henson Creature Shop behind him desperately manipulating him while Ron Howard shouted "Quick, move the eyes! Move the eyes!".
Ian McKellan, usually so dependable, failed to raise the film to at least the stage where I didn't feel like I had just had my brain rubbed down with fine grade sandpaper.
Audrey Tatou managed to look like she had starred in this film while in some sort of drug induced zombie coma. I had heard rumours that Ron Howard was some sort of Voodoo priest but I never believed it until now.
As for Paul Bettany - many people on IMDb have praised him for his role in this film. Playing a psychotic albino monk... right. After all, there are so many psychotic self-flagellating albino monks around to model his role on. I have a feeling that at some point in the future someone is going to interview him about this film and he will say "Well, you know, I wanted to build a conservatory on my house".
Fortunately my memory of the film is now starting to fade. I suspect that I will have suppressed memories of the film lurking in my subconscious for a long, long time. There will probably be therapists in years to come sitting people down and saying "Mr Jones, I have some bad news... it seems that you may have once seen The da Vinci Code." Before handing out the hankies as the terrified patient sobs hot tears of rage and pain fuelled self loathing.
Here is a quick questionnaire to determine if the da Vinci Code is a film you should see:
[] Do you have one brain cell and are you desperately in search of something to bash it against?
[] Do you think that the Catholic Church is run by space lizards and David Ike really is the messiah?
[] Do you think that the London Underground is a political movement?
[] Do you think the "Little book of Calm" is a philosophical masterpiece?
[] Is your primary form of communication a sort of guttural grunting?
If you have answered yes to all of the above questions then congratulations, you ARE the target market for the da Vinci Code.