Hollywood Hokum at its Worst

Rating: 1/10 (22 May 2009)

The film gets dafter and dafter as it grinds on. The revelation that the French female protagonist is really a descendant of The Virgin Mary beggars belief. Tom Hanks tries unsuccessfully to look as if he has been pole-axed by the discovery but all he manages is a wistful, half-fruity look as if wrestling between falling at her feet or going straight for the beaver.
Now this is the point, if any, to wheel on a few extras - preferably children of tender age and shepherds (the Church's stock witnesses of miracles and revelations). Instead, a small tweedy bunch of elderly French men and women crinkle their brows and shoot puzzled looks as they behold the scene from about fifty yards away. The viewer might be forgiven for thinking these old crocks are Alzheimer patients lost on an outing to the country but - believe it or not - they are none other than the guardians of the secret. Their chances against the likes of the strapping young albino monk-cum-serial assassin in the film are slender to say the least. The "surrogate Mary" might do well to take a leaf out of the Pope's book - a bullet-proof limo and a small army of Swiss mercenaries to keep violent death at bay. The bad news is that the cast are likely to live long enough to spawn a sequel.