Overwhelmingly Stupid

Rating: Null/10 (22 May 2006)

I'm not sure why I even went to see this movie; I hated Dan Brown's book and find Tom Hanks about as appealing as dental surgery. More to the point, I'm not religious and couldn't care less if Jesus got hitched or not. I just figured that my expectations were already so low that I might enjoy the film. After all, despite its general idiocy, I still managed to finish that damn book.
The Da Vinci Code is not a poorly made film. I think the actors (with one exception) are fine and the adaptation is faithful to the novel. The problem is more that the concept of solving riddles is not cinematic, thus making the large, gaping holes in the plot so much more apparent. The film's slow pacing and unimaginative use of locations just makes things worse. I managed to take the film seriously until Robert and Sophie left France. After that the stupidity of it all became too much to bear.
Some critics have singled Tom Hanks out as the bad apple in the cast. Personally, I found him far less annoying than usual. His performance is relatively restrained and his general cluelessness seems appropriate for the dumbest hero in movie history. Audrey Tautou is endearing as Sophie. Audrey is too good an actress for trash like this. I just hope she was paid a lot of money because this will probably kill her international career, at least for the next few years. The supporting cast is composed of several great character actors. Ian McKellen, Hollywood's current favourite "hire-a-thespian", is enthusiastic as Leigh, while Alfred Molina continues to carve a niche for himself as a bad guy specialist. Jean Reno, not surprisingly, shines as Fache. However, he also made "Empire Of The Wolves" watchable, so the man is obviously capable of anything. I was also pleased to see Juergen Prochnow score a role in another big budget film.
The exception to the generally impressive performances belongs to Paul Bettany. It doesn't help that his character is a walking sight gag but there was no need to camp it up even further with crazy eyes and demented stares. The scenes of him running around London are unintentionally hilarious, with the Michael Jackson make-up and bad contact lenses, he looks more like a crazed fan on their way to a Star Wars convention than an Opus Dei monk.
The Da Vinci Code is not a total waste of time. For example, I congratulate the joker in the make-up department who gave Tom Hanks Pat Benatar's hairstyle. However, Tom's amusing mullet is not enough to sustain 120 minutes of this crap. Fans of the book may enjoy the film but I think that even they will be put off by the plodding action and cheap flashbacks. It saddens me to think that religious groups have taken this tripe seriously enough to bother protesting it. They really should have more important things to do.