A boring, overly constructed, logically flawed movie that fails to entertain.

Rating: 3/10 (2 August 2006)

Before the release of this movie, there was an incredible uproar among Christian fundamentalists. But let's not forget, these same fundamentalists were convinced that Harry Potter will burn in hell for using Satanic magic. Also, these great controversy just added to the movies hype. So, does this movie live up to it? No, it doesn't, actually. Never having read any of the books, I went into the cinema completely unbiased, expecting an enjoyable and suspenseful, intelligent yet fast-paced thriller. Turns out, none of these four adjectives are any match for this movie.
The film drifts along uninspired, never going so far as to actually create suspense. What happens is either entirely foreseeable or so absurd that whoever wrote the screenplay should be taught that deus ex machinas need to be disguised. The only thing that moves the plot forward is people we thought were good constantly and absolutely *surprisingly* drawing a weapon and saying "HA! I'm actually working for the Gnostics!" or "You filthy son of a byatch, God is our savior and Jesus died for you" or something comparable. This gets so ridiculous at times that reasonably intelligent humans, as I like to call myself, feel a strong urge to laugh out loud, thus disturbing the other cinema watchers who are still trying to follow the incomprehensible plot, because they have read this film was so *intelligent*.
Which brings us to the "I-N-T-E-L-L-I-G-E-N-C-E" of this movie. Did you get that or was I too fast? Well, even if I was, you'll still have no problem coping with the *incredibly hard* codes and riddles presented to the sleeping, no sorry, avid viewer. Because even a kindergarten child won't. Every part of that, admittedly very complex, Star of David, is highlighted at least for ten seconds, so there's no possibility you can miss that connection. And even if you do, it makes absolutely no difference, because you won't get the plot either way as it makes zero sense.
Yeah, that's right, the plot makes absolutely zero sense. Leaving the cinema, you may or may not remember the film's title, "The Da Vinci Code", and you may or may not ask yourself what actually *was* that "Da Vinci Code". I don't know myself, actually. It could be that kryptex our favourite murdered Louvre director gave to his beloved daughter Sophie Neveu. It could also be the *staggering* fact that there is a gap between Jesus and the guy next to him shaped like a V in Da Vinci's The Last Supper, which Langdon immediately recognizes as the shape of a vagina. By the way, Neveu isn't actually allowed to talk in this film a lot, so she just has to interestedly nod at this startling remark.
So, is there any grain of entertainment in this film, any? Well, there happens to be quite a bit of - admittedly unintended - comedy! It's true, when Langdon - with his hair perfectly geled, by the way - is on the escape from the hordes of different sects that are pursueing him, all he has on his mind is to get to the next library. Haha, but he didn't remember that his escort Neveu has no problem to hit on some random man sitting in the bus just to get his cellphone, on which to search the net. But you *did* recognize right from the beginning that Langdon is too frumpy to use the Web, didn't you? And all this is not even to speak of the final scene, whose dialogue I still deem among the "Top Ten Most Comical Moments in Cinema of All Time".
So, summing up, please don't watch this movie. Don't. It will hurt your brain, a lot. It will hurt your eyes, a lot. It will hurt your stomach from the laughing. Thank you.