The Dumvinci Cold

Rating: 4/10 (26 September 2006)

Well, this movie was quite anti-catholic. But if this is the best anti-catholics can do, the catholics have nothing to worry about. Despite of, or perhaps because of, it's chase pace, this movie is rather sedate and unbewitching. It's like a bad episode of X-files or perhaps even an elaborate Riddler ruse from 60's Batman. Allow me to surmise the plot: Tom Hanks: Did you know, sexy inspector, that Christ may have had webbed feet? Look at the holy ghost: three parts? You see? It's so obvious. Oh no, let's go to England for no reason, cops are after us! Cop: Err, I'm not going to make a roadblock, damnit! I'm french! Overrated Gandalf: I'm just an old man, mumble mumble subtle feminism mumble conspiracy theory mumble JFK..." Corrupt Evil Preists: We're corrupt evil priests. Muhahah... Etc. The part with the evil priests was perhaps the most depressing part of this film, considering how long it probably took to film and how completely inconsequential it was to the movie's plot. The first time the bishop runs into anyone else featured in the actual plot, he gets himself killed. The main characters are mere ciphers, brought to life by the scourge of filmdom, the flashback. And yet these flashbacks are so opaque and lifeless that they don't do much to further the character's inner lives. Well, okay, that's fair. So it's not a drama. Alright. But what about these brilliant clues, the thrill of the chase, etc.? Well, if you're idea of a puzzle ends at an anagram, then alright. But most of the puzzles were of the outlandish kind, yet worked at such a way you didn't really have time to see if the solutions were accurate. They were all markedly unremarkable, forgettable. I'm not even sure if "The Davinci Code" of the title was ever explained. And the chase by police is merely, of course, to lift the suspense. But it's handled so casually it barely lifted my eyelids. Well, all this can be fun and games, but not when it's 2 1/2 hours long... and probably not when it makes dodos feel intelequal (sic) and paints an institution that's been around for 2000 years as cardboard villains. The Davinci code won't mesmerize you, and I hope it won't brainwash you either. It also just reeks of that smarmish Hollywood feel. I am Hollywood, thy god. I shalt make cinema masterpieces reflecting the shadow of genius but never actually creating it. Thou shall worship me as clever, as art, and as law. They say Hollywood is godless, and thank god. When it tries to curry some heavy topics, it just ends up flat.