Oh so nearly there.

Rating: 2/10 (23 May 2006)

Occasionally, there comes along a movie which falls frustratingly short of what it could have been. "If only", you think while watching it, "just a few more ingredients had been right, this could have been a classic". Such a movie is The Da Vinci Code; a film where all the ingredients are present but frustratingly do not jell enough together to create the necessary chemistry. Had the cast, writer and director gone that extra mile and worked that little bit harder, perhaps the Da Vinci Code would have achieved the goal of being one of the all time classic turkeys; worthy to stand with Can't Stop the Music and Plan 9 From Outer Space.
In fact, while there is a fair proportion of TDVC that is laugh out loud awful; sadly much of it rises to the level of competence which prevents it from being as enjoyably bad as it could have been. Not without trying, it has to be said; certainly Akira Goldsman's script gives good value for money with some excellent lines straight out of Basil Fawlty's suggested specialist subject for Sybil of "Stating The Bleeding Obvious"
Such as
Sophie on seeing her Grandfather after 20 years: "He's older than I remember" On discovering a clue pointing to the Mona Lisa "But that's just near here" (The Mona Lisa? In the Louvre? Whatever next?").
Goldsman also proves a master of plotting; making sure that such idiocies as every single police car surrounding the Louvre deciding to leave to chase a tracking device in a bar of soap. This, by the way, is Robert Langdon's preferred device for escaping a murder charge rather than relying on the alibi that at the time of the murder he was giving a lecture in front of approximately 500 people before going on to do a book signing. Goldsman also manages to keep most of the lunacies of the original source material intact. (So, the Holy Grail was the body of Mary Magdalene, kept intact by the Priory anticipating the day when DNA testing would be able to suggest a vague kinship between her and Sophie).
Praise to actors Paul Bettany and Ian MacKellan. Paul Bettany manages to portray a psychotic albino assassin with a penchant for self-flagalation with all the subtlety and nuance that that description entails, resulting in one of the most memorable comic villains since Richard Kiel's turn as Jaws in Moonraker. Ian MacKellan, meanwhile, practises for his next performance as Widow Twankey with such a portrayal of pantomime villainy that, as he is carried away in the cart, I expected a cry of "And I would have got away with it as well if it hadn't been for you pesky symbologists).
Sadly, not deciding to play the game are Tom Hanks and Audrey Tatou who, rather than attempting to out-ham everyone else, decide that their job is to turn up, say the lines clearly so that everyone can understand them and go home. It probably didn't help their cause that the script (and original source material) gives absolutely no depth to their relationship other than Sophie asking a lot of questions with Robert replying. A sort of revival of the classic Dr Who and Leggy Assistant role without the entertaining camp factor and haze of nostalgia.
Perhaps one day, a replacement will be found for the definitive Bad Movie. Until then, please try harder next time Ron.