The Curious Case of Hollywood Hype

Rating: 1/10 (29 August 2009)

Honestly, I cannot start out saying anything other than this movie was complete rubbish from the ground up. At first sight, it seems to hold such promise: an interesting hook, renowned actors, as well as being based on a short (HA! more on that later...) story of F. Scott Fitzgerald's. I even paid to see it non-matinée the week it was released- a rarity for me. Yet all the overblown actors and excessive ad campaigns and self-congratulating awards shows in the world could not disguise what this film truly was.
First off, the acting. I love Cate Blanchette, truly I do, but if she could do no better with her hackneyed portrayal of a Deep Southern accent, she did not deserve her role. In fact, both of the leads sounded so bad it would have been laughable had it not been so entirely insulting. I have lived all over the Southeastern US and have yet to encounter people who sounded so overdone and idiotic. Also, there was no way Cate could possibly hope to pass for early twenties. They should have taken their cue from Pitt's people and filmed her back-lit in complete shadows for the younger scenes. As for Brad Pitt, I have always been leery of him- I only ever hear of the man as an Adonis rather than an actor. Next time I will stick to my instincts- his pretty face did little to cover for his wooden lack of talent. It seems that all his contracts ever require of him is that he bang the hot chick. At least he got one part right.
Which brings me to my next point- the absolutely sickening way Hollywood treats sex. It's so commonplace, so vulgar. Apparently, you are not a man, nay, not even a whole human being until you've shagged someone, even if its a hooker. Never mind that the character was supposed to only be mentally 13 (felony, anyone?). Or that no regard was given to the repercussions of such numerous encounters with people he had little other relation with. It's as if they wanted to see how long they could stretch out a film on pure bs. In fact, did this character exist for any other reason that to brag about his sexual irresponsibility in an outrageous southern drawl? Beats me.
Even more curious than the case of the missing plot, was the mystery of the missing logic. Where was the racial tension of black adults raising a white child in New Orleans? Where was the brain of the policeman when Crazed Daddy Button came back with no ugly baby? Where was the sorcerer that was responsible for said ugly baby and the mysterious clock of doom we kept cutting to? Where were the obviously blind doctors and reporters that just happened to never realize the man was AGEING BACKWARDS? Not even a lone tormentor of this freak of nature? I've never known a person with life this good- everyone accepts him, wants to shag him, forgives him at a whim, and takes care of him no matter the personal cost. And all the while he is looking more and more like Brad Pitt. Am I seriously supposed to feel sorry for him? Everyone dies, everyone eventually reverts to a state where they can't care for themselves. I'm pretty sure that impermanence is when people keep telling me makes life SPECIAL. So shut up grow some, please.
And then, to put the cherry on the sundae, our brave hero decides that it's just not fair for his lady friend he's knocked up to have to eventually raise two kids, so what does he do? He abandons her to raise one totally alone and travel the world seeking out more hookers to ease his pain. Oh tut, tut, life's just not fair, is it? Of course, he does actually come back when he can't change his diapers himself anymore, therefore negating any possible shred of nobility he supposedly professed. And all the while this is treated as the greatest sacrifice known to humankind. More like the greatest selfishness. I could go on like this for years, but I think my point has been sufficiently made.
The friend on my right side during the film wept at the end, calling it the deepest film he'd ever seen. The depth must have overwhelmed the one to my left, because after dragging on for 3 hours for no discernible reason, all she could think of was when would it end so she could go to the toilet. I am inclined to agree with the latter: there are better things I could do with my time than watch this movie, among them, go to the toilet.