Neither magical nor memorable but fine in an emergency with bored kids

Rating: 5/10 (27 March 2013)

It's Easter and there's a slew of films to distract your children. If they're very young and you're desperate the current animation, The Croods may get you though 90 minutes of the school break.
To be fair, the old man who sat across the aisle from me with his grandchildren bellowed with laughter for much of it. However, he was in the minority (of one) and I'm sure I saw him dribbling. Conversely, my five-year old nephew sat virtually silently throughout and spent some of it with his head on my shoulder. Trust me, he's a great deal more animated every single time he watches Monsters Inc. and the Toy Story canon. I reckon that just about sums up The Croods.
The Croods is 'nice' but there's nothing magical or even particularly memorable about it other than it's one of the few films involving Nicholas Cage where he doesn't SHOUT AT US THE WHOLE TIME.
After their cave is destroyed, the reluctant Grug (rhymes with slug, hug, bug and any other damn thing the writers can squeeze into the script in their search for a shallow smile) leads his family of cave dwellers out of their dark world into an exciting, colourful land with the object of his daughter's affection, Guy (Ryan Reynolds).
That's not just the introduction; that's pretty much it. Grug doesn't think much of his mother-in-law; his son, Thunk (Clark Duke), is a dunce; his daughter, Eep (Emma Stone), wants adventure; and his wife, Ugga (Katherine Keener) is long-suffering. Oh, he has a baby that's more of an animal that the creatures they encounter.
There are some pretty moments as the world opens up to them (in a diluted Avatar kind of way), some mild humour, courtesy of a Sloth called Belt and his one, repetitive joke, and a few moments of insipid danger.
The emotion is slight, the lessons heavy-handed, obvious and simplistic enough for even the youngest of children to grasp: hiding in darkness bad, walking towards light good, sometimes dad being boring is best. Blah, blah, blah.
Don't bother unless you're desperate. But if you are desperate, take a strong coffee and use the time to learn to knit.
Better still, take the children out for a long trudge through the woods or a game of rounders and save the cinema treat for Monsters University.
For more reviews from The Squiss, subscribe to my blog and like the Facebook page.