boring, inconsistent, and funny

Rating: 2/10 (1 August 2013)

This movie is nothing more than a boring, random collection of "creepy" scenes. No effort is made to connect these scenes with an actual, coherent story. So in honor of that, my review will be a random collection of my thoughts on the film. No effort will be made to turn it into an actual, coherent review.
I get the distinct feeling that the filmmakers made a cynical bet among themselves that they could make the most derivative, stupid, self-contradictory piece of crap, and as long as it looked nice and could make you jump a little, then they would have a hit. Judging from other reviews of this film, they seem to have been correct.
The movie is called "The Conjuring" even though there is no actual conjuring that happens.
The first ten minutes is about a doll. It's too bad the doll has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the movie because that was the best part.
The movie has something to do with a nice family that moves into a nice house in nice 1971 and is terrorized by something supernatural. It might be ghosts of dead children, or ghosts of people that committed suicide, or witches, or demons, or all of them. Since the screenwriters just stole ideas from other movies and threw them into this script, they clearly didn't worry that the movie makes no sense.
This movie even copies "Paranormal Activity" (which was itself a copy of other movies). Is it a coincidence that the same guy directed both of these movies? Basically, "The Conjuring" is really just "Paranormal Activity 1971".
The movie is partly about Ed and Lorraine Warren, who are real people that used to hunt ghosts and demons. They are most famous for being involved in the Amityville Horror, which was discovered to be a hoax (although this movie doesn't tell you that). There is a melodramatic subplot about how they want to retire, but they love each other too much and are too committed to their mission from God, so they can't quit. And they do get to explain the supernatural events to the family with lines like, "Sometimes when you get haunted, it's like steppin in gum—you take it with you."
I learned two things from this "true story" - First, the women in the Salem Witch trials were actually witches, and they worshiped Satan. Second, the Pope has to approve all exorcisms, and he doesn't like to help possessed people if they aren't Catholic.
While watching the movie, I was trying to keep a mental list of stupid things that happened. But there were too many - I literally lost track of them. I even started laughing towards the end, because the characters seemed to have lost any contact with real life and were just running around making the dumbest decisions they possibly could.
There are a couple of jump scares that still worked, and the cinematography was nifty. The groovy 1971 fashion is fun. So it doesn't fail 100% of the time. Just 97% of the time.