More wooden British kids and wordy magic adults

Rating: 2/10 (30 January 2006)

I haven't read the books. My wife had, whom I accompanied to this movie. I like fiction, however.
But this movie was a waste of time. Another 2005 dose of British kids in a stuffy old mansion and a stern housekeeper. Oh no, they can't play like proper British kids! Oh no, the little one is bored and sad! (OK, so maybe that was in the book, but couldn't they tone it down a bit?) Then Narnia is discovered, a soundstage with some rocks. Next, a cute British kid's interaction with a goat-boy. Later, a queen on the same soundstage. Then when they all come, more soundstage action and a CGI house. And the requisite funny small furries, which are always so appropriate when millions of lives are at stake.
Then there's a Q-branch scene out of Bond where the kids get gadgets from Santa Claus (??). Then the kids go lead an army which has somehow assembled under a Queen's nose without her knowledge, despite having the forest creatures on her side (she needs to get off that soundstage and survey her land a little bit). Somehow no professional in the grand army cares that inexperienced CHILDREN are leading thousands into battle.
Then the lion dies. And is resurrected - in the sloppiest plot "fuhgeddaboutit" since the latest episode of DragonBall Z. So the queen just forgot to read the fine print? Jeez, weren't the Queen and Aslan in the tent debating this for like, a long time? So the battle happens. It's more like a big schoolyard slapfest. No divisions, no regimented forces. Hills on both sides remain unoccupied. Flanking & maneuvering are ignored by this professional army with generals and officers, despite the gobs of gold obviously spent on Windex and nice tents. Cavalry is thrown pell-mell into the fray with the infantry. The flying rock-dropping Griffins glide blindly into a curtain of arrows. Couldn't they use the air power to soften the enemy at night? Did CS Lewis pay attention to the war raging around him? In all, I was astonished by the characters' lack of accountability. Pure imagination without regard for consequence. Lazy, lazy, lazy storytelling. And at the end, the entire movie cancels ITSELF out by kicking the kids out of Narnia. Somehow, the kids don't care. Their loyal subjects, which were promised these rulers by prophecy, have now lost them. And these four little British brats simply dust themselves off and continue their childhoods. None of them cry out for their lost kingdoms. I hope the people of Narnia die of sheer stupidity.