This movie is SO SO .... SO SO SO ... LAME ...! ( read it its not flaming )

Rating: 1/10 (31 January 2006)

... The lights go out ... Andrew Adamson (director) is also there ... And the picture starts ...
Night, dark sky. Nazis all around ... Nazis start London bombing ... A hose. The HORROR of the bombing, the noble and stupid disobedience of stupid brother a.k.a future traitor, is in the beginning of the scandal with future king a.k.a Bigger brother. Symbols. The kids get on a train to go far away from the mean Nazis invading england. On the background of the speeding train goes the title - "The Chronicles of Narnia"
The audience: - Phuuuh, we thought we got the wrong movie!
Railroad station. Behind the corner a carriage comes up.
The audience: - Gandalf?
NOP, its just me the strict butler (not to forget we are in england)
Half and hour screen time goes by, and a kid finds its self in front of a wardrobe, she is so excited to find it that she nearly grows wings! So the kid finds a wardrobe filled with fur coats ( probably of killed Narnia beasts, probably symbols) the kid goes Through the wardrobe and finds it self in the the snowed up forest of Narnia.
Forest. And in the middle of the picture, a gas lamp. SYMBOL.
The audience: ( gets the idea) - This must be some kind of a symbol.
After a few boring minutes the conflict in the family is all "good to go" for the movie...
Then we meet Tilda Swinton ( with her shocking beauty she played an angel as well as a witch)
Andrew - director bursts : -THE WHITE WITCH!!! NOT THE SNOW QUEEN!!! THE WHITE WITCH!!! STOP IT!!
The audience: -But Andrew, nobody said anything, it kinda looks like her, not to say it kinda the same thing ...
Tilda Swinton - THE WHITE WITCH!!!NOT THE SNOW QUEEN : -Young SON OF ADAM, have some Turkish delight, have some, have some, drink up your tea, do you want some pie ?
And it goes on, the young kids find out that all decedents of Adam and Eve are wanted criminals for been a part of some prophecy, and they all so get the SHOCKING news that Narnia didn't have Xmas in a 100 years!!!
The audience: -Did they say Xmas ? So they have Jisus in Narnia? So they have the Roman empire, which means the got the Jews too, so are we waiting for the Nazis to start bombing Narnia!?? What about everything else! What is going on here!? How does Narnia know about Adam and Eve? Do the creatures there read the bible? Or this is another SYMBOL ? You naughty boy Lewis (author), this is probably some "modern" style ...
In the mean time the conflict between the children is so hot that they are ready to start bitch slapping each other...
Stupid brother a.k.a The traitor
Screw you all!, ill sell you out for a lump of sugar!
The kids find a family of beavers which help them get away from the gestapo wolves which chase them because the kids got reported by STUPID BROTHER a.k.a THE TRAITOR! Yet the gestapo wolves don't give up, and the escape goes along with the arguing - "Whos the leader", "where are we running to", "whos fault is it". Its the fox's turn to help.
The hardcore fantasy fans : Whats with the zoo? When do the ORCS show up?!
Andrew (director): You probably dint get it, there are no ORCS!
The hardcore fantasy fans : Xa!, even kids know that there is no fantasy with no ORCS LOL.
Andrew (director): Ah, well there is fantasy... and fantasy ...
The gestapo wolves find the tracks of the two girls and bigger brother a.k.a future king, since they were again reported by stupid brother a.k.a THE TRAITOR!
STUPID BROTHER a.k.a THE TRAITOR : -I've done so much don't i get a Snikers or something, apple pie better!
Gestapo wolves, beavers, fox and kids all run around, hide, jump, swim and WALLA they find Santa!
Then he starts with the gifts;

For you little girl a dagger!, to cut enemy throats in the night.. - For you bigger girl, a bow and some arrows, nail em between the eyes! - And for you DUDE it The sword to cut the skulls open of whatever stands in your way... - And for the other guy ? Aaah he is a lowlife nothing for him. - Merry Xmas kids, wish you many killing sprees ...

The audience: -Santa is preparing kids for a massacre? -Oooh, we probably missed something between word or frames. -There gotta be some UBER DEEP THOUGHT and SYMBOLS YEAH MHM! Well we should be happy he didn't give them adult videos.
After some boring and stupid adventures, never giving the sword a brake, they arrive in the headquarters of the good forces. And out of the main tent comes the guarantee of and happy ending The LION!
The lion: Grrrr!(and then goes on to English official language of all Narnia creatures) - Why are you only 3 ?
Future King a.k.a Bigger bother : - Well our brother turned out to be a dumb bitch, sold as out of some Turkish delight...
Lion: -Dont be so harsh on him, he probably has a GOOD reason for it.
The audience: -Is that lion stupid!? They already told him of the Turkish delight!
Lion & Co go rescuing Stupid Brother a.k.a The traitor. Later... A short private talk with the lion, stupid brother a.k.a the traitor is been forgiven everything and the love between the kids starts on.