Just buy the toys...

Rating: 6/10 (19 April 2006)

Watching the Lord of the Rings movies, the problem I always had was I could never tell who anyone was exactly or what was happening exactly  all I knew is that there were hordes of demon baddies trying to bust down the castle door to get to some women and babies, so I rooted for the guys trying to stop that. With Narnia I had the opposite problem  everything that was happening was made obviously clear, but what was revealed was a story and world so fraught with logic questions, I was left as baffled as I was leaving Lord of the Rings.
And what fundamental questions they are, like what is Narnia exactly and who lives in it  without knowing that, what's at stake when it's threatened? We never see any towns or "normal" inhabitants, only mythic-styled warriors who never do any real talking. What was it like before the White Witch arrived (other than not frozen)? Who is the White Witch and where did she come from  was she good before and turned bad? Who is Aslan the Lion? Was he a king or something before? I get that the White Witch is evil, because she sneers, and I get that Aslan is good because he has Liam Neeson's slow Scottish brogue and talks elliptically, but come on. There is a prophecy of course  as there always has to be in these movies, from Mannequin Skywalker (sorry, but Hayden Christiansen's performance reminded me of the "Life of Brian" catchphrase "He's not the messiah - he's just a very naughty boy") to KeaNeo Reeves in Da Matrix  but here in Narnia you have four children stumbling into a huge war-like situation they (and therefore we) have no understanding of whatsoever, and all the battle hardened warriors allow these untrained, unmotivated and confused CHILDREN to lead them into ACTUAL battle? With swords where they actually fight hand-to-hand and people actually die? Because of a prophecy? I dunno while maybe there's an Iraq allegory in there somewhere, with a major Christian right spin perhaps, this movie had me totally lost  and bored.
And one final question - the most incongruous of all  what on earth is Santa Claus doing in this Narnia world, and why is he handing out WEAPONS to children? I know this is a post 9-11 world, but since when does Santa give weapons? And while we're at it, why does the White Witch use the exact same sleigh/reindeer transport as Santa? None of this is explained. It's like why not toss in the Pillsbury dough boy, Bigfoot and the Easter bunny into the big battle? Honestly, why not?
I feel sorry for kids today, growing up watching sanctimonious ultra-violent junk like the Matrix trilogy, plot less I-own-a-visual-FX-company junk like the LOTR trilogy, numbing/dumbing action figure commercial junk like the Star Wars prequel trilogy, and now this.... Whew  okay, now I'll be good boy and go buy the Narnia toys and Taco Bell tie-ins and get really excited about Narnia II and III.