Insults the intelligence of the viewer...or perhaps...relies upon their unintelligence...

Rating: 1/10 (22 November 2012)

With so much hype around the originality of this film, and worse, coming with high critical acclaim, it had me bursting with anticipation.This was arguably the worst film I've ever had the misfortune to watch. Drawn in by critics remarking how "clever" it was and how it "really turns the horror genre on its head", I was desperate to see it. Eminem once released an album where he mocked anyone who was stupid enough to part with money to buy it. The same kind of cynicism pervades The Cabin in the Woods.
It's a story about a group of 5 college kids, who, unbeknownst to them, fit five categories of personality type. They think they are going away for the weekend to a remote mountain cabin, owned by a cousin. The cabin, and the area around it, is an environment, controlled in every respect, by a covert organisation, located deep under the ground beneath it. Everything taking place above ground is watched by the people controlling such factors as temperature, lighting and even latent air pheromone concentration. Get the picture?
In essence it's a movie within a movie and the underground organisation is watching reality TV. But to what end? The department work on behalf of some Gods who need these kids to die, one by one, and in a specific order. While some factors are being controlled, the kids make their own choices, outside of the control of the "puppeteers". If these kids don't die, or they don't die in the right order, the Gods get angry and could, indeed, destroy the world if their sacrificial needs are not met.
How exactly do the kids die? No less than a family of zombies rising up from the ground, proceeding to wreak havoc, killing three of the five kids. At this point my heart truly sank. Zombies? Puh-lease! If zombies weren't enough, the film would not be complete if there was no mention made of the veritable menagerie of beasts and mythical creatures held captive in glass cages. When pandemonium ensues on accidental release of them all, it comes as no surprise that a bloodbath results. In a quirkily humorous moment, a unicorn gores a man repeatedly against a wall with its horn!
More shocking is an actress with a respectable reputation appearing in a small role towards the end, Sigourney Weaver. What made her think this was a good film to appear in? Her moment is fleeting, nevertheless, bemusing.
This film is marketed as a spoof, like the Scream series. What it succeeds in doing is slapping it's audience in the face. Yes, it's a spoof but it's not funny and it is anything but original. It's cynical and boring. It's as if writers Joss Whedon and writer-director Drew Goddard thought, "You like a horror film? We know who you are, what you like and this is what you deserve!" It really feels like a hoax played on the audience stupid enough to pay money to see it. It's so bad, you can't even call it mediocre. For most of it's short ninety minutes, I could not wait for it to end.
The only really clever thing about it is the marketing! Absolutely atrocious!