The Bourne Ultimatum, or: A Seriously Overrated Movie

Rating: 2/10 (10 November 2008)

All right, all right, everyone just calm down. I know you're all agonizing over my controversial re-naming of the recent Boring Ultimatum--see how I changed it again!. I'm writing this review about the Bourne Malarkey much less as a review than as me personifying B3 by using an arrogant yet self-deprecating voice, along with several impressions of people who obsess over the film with less justification than my cat has for sucking his own nipple. At least he purrs. I swear, Bourne fans gain no milk from the teats of B3.
Allow me to present a case for The Bourne Ultimatum's overrated appeal.
*Curtains up* *Enter The Bourne Ultimatum. Appear shaking while, with the least amount of development you can muster, portray government figures who are overly corrupt* Bourne Ultimatum: "Oh, hi guys! Didn't see ya there. Then again, you nor I can really see anything because we thought it would be way radical if we viewed the world from our Parkinson's-ridden hands." *phone rings* Bourne Ultimatum: "Hello?" Matt Damon: "This is Jason Bourne!" Bourne Ultimatum: *include as many generic voices as possible that demand X amount of seconds to trace Bourne's call, yet, of course, fail at tracing his call because you are trying to catch Jason Bourne! Jason Bourne, Man Who Knows When To Hang Up Before His Call Is Traced* "Where are you, Bourne?" *pretend, go ahead, FANTASIZE that you are the one in control of the situation rather than Jason Bourne. Come on, I'm sure you could trowel to the murkiest chasms of your imagination and make-believe that YOU are the one at the reigns in this conversation with J-Bourne* Matt Damon: "I'm *insert shocking location*" Bourne Ultimatum: "Blah blah blah, something about 'who's Bourne's source?' lets chase Bourne while we minimize discourse....I mean really minimize discourse.... like, how are there three books about this plot; there is so little interchange! Blah blah, oh look, some other girl who Jason Bourne was sketchy with and is now cool with and who now has to run from the Big Bad CIA just cut/dyed her hair. Umm, uh, I guess car scenes where the car gets hit a lot of times was cool in the first Bourne, so um, let's do that again. Get Bourne! Get Bourne! We're corrupt, duh! The End! Yipee!" (dramatic Moby song)
I feel I didn't emphasize the camera-shaking enough.
Overarching cool themes: Jason Bourne's whole "How can I not remember who I am or why I'm here, yet be so suavely brilliant as to facilitate slipping a phone into a journalist's pocket and omnisciently guide him to safety amongst a sea of CIA agents promiscuously lusting after the blood of said journalist" (of course, this suave sequence to safety ceases immediately when Journalist disobeys Jason's command... perhaps paralleling Journalist to Adam's decision to defy God and eat from the tree of knowledge. Is Jason Bourne God? Or, if this scene didn't reflect the Fall of Man, it could also be analogous to the Visa commercial in the lunch cafeteria where everyone synchronously purchases food with a debit card until Stubborn Joe Schmoe decides to pay with cash and screws up the whole system).
Anyways, this is pretty much the only cool thing of the movie: people working for the CIA slowly realize they are fighting on the wrong side (e.g., sniper guy who lets Bourne escape, Julia Stiles, the Blonde Older Girl who was also in The Crucible). All of the mentioned characters are versions of Jason Bourne in that, like Jason Bourne, they originally wanted to be Mr. or Mrs. Good Guy, killed people or tried to killed people, realized they were killing/ trying to kill the wrong people, got angry at whoever was in charge of the CIA, and sought revenge. Say this next sentence out loud in the most sarcastic voice you could ever imagine in your wildest dreams, it'll be fun:
WOOOOOOOW, what a SWEEEEEEET PLOT DUUUUUUUUDE!
This whole "I've been working for the wrong side" morality flip-flopping is the source of the movie's stupidity, and I will explain why, starting now: The morality flip-flopping of Jason Bourne (which we only kind of see in stupid Tripppy flashbacks), the Sniper Dude, Julia Stiles, and Older Blonde Woman is stupid because their exodus from the Dark Side occurs for the stupidest reasons... that is, they just SUDDENLY HAPPPPPEN to realize they are corrupt. How convenient. I know, I know, thats how all moral 180s occur. But why specifically those characters? Can't all the bad guys just sit down, have a brew with our weird-smiling hero Matt Damon, and comprehend how the CIA had brainwashed them as well as them? If the Sniper, J. Stiles, and The Crucible could recognize their mistakes by simply acknowledging Bourne's harmlessness, couldn't Desh, Clive Owen (yes, thats a reference to the Bourne Identity), or the CIA Deputy Head Honcho guy (who kinda looks like a cross between Dustin Hoffman and whoever plays the funny butler guy who's obsessed with feet in Mr. Deeds) just as easily do the same?
Camera shaking!