Oh the humanity!

Rating: Null/10 (10 June 2001)

First - I've been traumatized by every horror movie in the book. From Friday the 13th to Psycho, I've seen 'em all. That's why I was suckered into seeing this stinking pile of refuse laughingly called a movie. I was intrigued by the press the movie was getting, and it sounded like an interesting premise.
An hour and a half later, I was disgusted that I had paid 7 bucks for this train wreck. No - even worse, I had paid the highest price of them all: two hours of my life savagely ripped away from me that I will never get back.
Somewhere along the line, film goes have mistaken two hours of people on screen swearing at each other at the top of their lungs as character development, and running around in the woods non-stop as a plot. Half an hour of set up - and then an hour and a half of nothing - and then, the shock ending - where nothing happens. Have people's sensibilities been degraded by modern culture that they find this enjoyable?

No monster/witch at the end. No pay-off whatsoever, at all - zip, nada, zilch! Now, I by no means have to have a full blown million dollar CGI special effect to scare the ever-lovin crap out of me. In fact, less is more - the most scary movies I can think of are where they never show, they simply suggest. However, the viewer needs **SOMETHING** to hang their hats on - a fleeting shadow of a great white shark under the water, a dripping claw on the Nostromo, a long shot of a man in a black jumpsuit in Haddonfield - something. What does the Blair Witch do? Make scary noises in the woods at night. Ooooh - hold me! Oh - and don't forget about those scary sticks and piles of rocks? I find scarier things in my breakfast cereal.

Horror movies are frequently known for their plots - or lack of. Most of the time, this is true - a generic slasher flick often is a string of events loosely held together by a vague narrative. In the right mood, this can be even kind of fun, in a cheesy sort of way. However, the most cookie cutter Friday the 13th movie has more going for it in the coherent narrative department than this amateur attempt does. I was hoping for something more than "Kids go into the woods to make a movie, kids get lost, kids run around for several days, kids die." What the hell is that?!?
After seeing the film, the next day at work I was going off about it - and was instructed to go to blairwitch.com for the full back story. Surprise, surprise - guess what! There was indeed a full history on the legend, write ups on the characters, and more background information that I could hope for. If the creative (sic) team did all this work, then WHY THE HELL WAS NONE OF IT IN THE MOVIE?!?!? A viewer should not have to go do homework to get the complete story.
Illogical plot devices abound. They get lost in the wood because "I threw the f'ing map away, you stupid &!^@#^" - a plot crowbar if I've ever seen one. Or how about ignoring common sense - even I, a city boy to the core, would know that if you follow a river downstream, you will eventually wind up SOMEWHERE! Anywhere - a road, a farm, the freakin' ocean, for god sake! Yet this simple concept eludes the characters (and I use the term 'characters' very loosely.). Or - the best one yet: if I woke up in the middle of the night, with the forces of evil shaking my tent like Lucifer himself was outside, I sure as hell would **NOT** grab my camera and keep filming as I ran. I would haul ass as fast as my legs would go - buck naked if need be. Yet they have the presence of mind to keep the film rolling? And what about that survival book that the filmmakers take great pains to point out in the beginning of the movie - and yet never shows up again?
(Note to the creative (sic) team - next time, don't just make the movie up as you go. Take some time and formulate a dialogue and a story - maybe even write a script. I know it's a bold concept in this modern day and age, but your viewers will thank you for it.)
For those of you who seem to have forgotten what a *truly* frightening and/or movie is, let me bring you up to speed on required viewing: Exorcist (the creepiest movie ever), Jaws (a film that traumatizes an ENTIRE generation of people, keeping them off the beach for years, has something going for it), The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Shining, Halloween, Night of the Living Dead, Ring (a classic Japanese horror film proving that terror is not exclusive to North America), Alien, and of course the granddaddy of them all - Psycho. Of course, all the sad people who have bought into the hype of the movie will call me closed minded and an idiot for not falling to my knees and worshipping this movie. Fine - whatever. I'll just be over here watching
Bottom line - do not be suckered in by this movie. Go rent a good horror flick instead - you'll thank me for it.