Utterly Unwatchable, Except for Tilda Swinton

Rating: 2/10 (30 July 2006)

"Now get some sleep. I may want to have sex again in the morning." That's practically the only interesting line from THE BEACH, an incredibly unconvincing and suspense-less film about a bunch of rich backpackers who stumble onto the "perfect" beach in Thailand.
Leonardo DiCaprio is supposed to be the boy who goes wild in the jungle -- kind of like casting Hugh Grant to play Rambo. I don't want to say that Leo is a total girly-man -- I mean, I know he dates super models and he used to hang with a tough bunch of skateboarders who called themselves the p**sy posse -- but somehow watching him run up and down the jungle trails waving his big knife I just wanted to giggle. For about ten seconds. Then I got bored. For about two hours.
The one bright spot in all this darkness is shapely, statuesque and thoroughly charismatic Tilda Swinton. She plays Sal, the leader of the secluded beach community, who will do anything to protect her home. There's nothing giggly about her performance. She's utterly right. Tilda makes you buy that this woman is strong, smart, sensible, and utterly in control. That goes for her bedroom scenes with Leo, too. Though her motives for sleeping with him are somewhat cloudy, it's clear that she's the one making the decisions and that he responds almost against his will. There's something quite provocative about the way she takes him to bed, tires him out, and then says, "now get some sleep. I may want to have sex again in the morning." It's unsettling and unexpected and very, very sexy.
Now if only that scene could have lasted for two hours!