Dork Beach

Rating: 2/10 (20 January 2007)

"Dork Beach" wold have been the perfect title for this movie. A dork, by definition is a polar opposite of a nerd, someone so afraid of being uncool that every decision is based upon what other people think, which of course makes them the most uncool of characters. This movie centers on characters that would fit right in with Barney Fife and Ted Baxter. A young guy, who we learn later is the dork of dorks, has a map to a supposed Paradise on an Asian island, and he goes there with a Frenchman and the Frenchman's girlfriend. The Frenchmand, by the way is one of the only two characters with an IQ over 10. The other one is an unsavory sort who warns the dorks (an unheeded warning) that just because the super dork killed a five foot shark, don't take his goofy babble, about being one with nature and commanding all sharkdom, seriously. The three young people take a high dive into water they don't know the depth of. In real life a best case scenario would be instant death, but more likely hitting a rock, being paralyzed, and dying in anguish. This reason alone would make this movie unwatchable. Before that, they go bananas over a marijuana field in such a way that you see many people do, the kind of people who worship Cheeck and Chong, the kind you never really believe are that excited, but merely hide their true emotions with goofy babble. Then they find the field is guarded by gun toting locals. After the dive they come across some of the ugliest people you ever saw. Just physically repulsive. Island life does not show well on most Caucasians. The ugliest woman in the world is the leader. She's almost as mean as she is ugly. She has no leadership qualities, no charisma, nothing. Yet people attack on her command. The trio isn't there twenty seconds before the rut gut ugly woman tells them they can't leave. Of course, that is kidnapping, and an older guy would immediately slit her throat and the throats of everyone else who kept him from leaving, because this place is clearly some kind of Hell, and there is no saving grace to it. None! No appeal at all, unless you were to run off the dorks. Its hard to imagine even kids accepting this, but maybe that's the way the filthy rich spoiled types think. And these are all filthy rich spoiled types, richer than anyone you probably ever met. (They had the money to gallivant across the globe nonchalantly.) One of the trio thinks he is forced to make love to Miss Super Ugly, and you'd feel sorry for him if it wasn't for the fact that her blackmail didn't make sense. Add to this the fact that the marijuana growers know this group of pompous pot smokers is there smoking up their profits, and are undoubtedly thinking of a way to control the business for themselves, and you have a laughable scenario. They might let some vagabonds stay there, or some poor locals, or some retired people, or anyone who has no interest in the marijuana. But to believe they'd let the people most likely to snitch, crowd them out, and take over their business, is impossible to believe under any circumstances. These dorks would have been eliminated from the game of life two seconds after they were discovered. The only saving grace is that the movie does show that the kids are dorks, and the place is a Hell. Still, the plot lacks any semblance of credibility, even in the world of Fantasy.