Every cliché known to man, and cinema as a game console

Rating: 1/10 (3 May 2012)

By geeks, about geeks, for geeks. Tempting the geek dollar out of its den into the local multiplex with a thrill that can't be bought on the Xbox.
Is it The West Wing in space? Or is it Stargate meets X-Men? There is not a shred of originality or true imagination in this noisy, flashy, ugly commercial behemoth. It is part of an action figure marketing campaign; a film made by men who still think like pre-teenagers, who were inspired long ago by comic books cheaply churned out by groups of at most six people - who at least had a grasp of characterization.
The now-grown comic-book readers have to remain in their adolescent playrooms and pay homage to that excitement because they dare not go out into the world and feel real suspense, fear, or loss. They must burn gazillions of dollars and employ thousands of people in trying to recreate that comic-book buzz. A long-lost childish thrill is the only feeling they are willing to let themselves - or you - experience.
Will you join them? Will you sit in a darkened room pretending that you are engaging with life because you have a 3D screen, surroundsound, and a broadband connection? Will it be enough for you to escape into Joss Whedon's stunted teenage netherworld, or will you go outside and attempt to engage with - god forbid - strangers, rather than aliens, superheroes and vampires?
There are movies, even trashy ones, that will echo, embellish and enhance your experience of the world. 'Avengers Assemble' isn't one of them; it's shiny, expensive, overwrought trash that assumes we are all as insecure, stupid and frustrated as those who created it.
You will have forgotten it long after you still remember how much it cost to get in. Choose life.