Avengers Assemble

Rating: 7/10 (7 April 2014)

Well-drawn characters, beautifully shot and fine set-pieces. Anyway, that's enough about The Artist now onto Avengers Assemble. I'm going to start by telling you I should have liked this. I like a good leave brain-at-the-door, popcorn stuffing uber romp as much as the next person. Having grown up reading Marvel comics I have a bit of a soft spot for The Avengers. I should have liked this... a lot. But... but... but.....
For the uninitiated here's the plot: one-eyed Nick Fury of S.H.I.E.L.D. (don't ask it gets sillier) assembles a team of disparate superheroes to save the planet from the pan-dimensional pantomime baddie Loki and his army of marauding alien invaders. Yes! Together at last! Mister Blonde, Mister Angry, Mister Smug, Mister Boring, Mister Forgettable and Little Miss Lycra gang up to punch CGI aliens repeatedly in the face whilst Tom Hiddlestone does his best Shere Khan impersonation. Flying battleships? Collapsing buildings? Alien invasion? Rock 'em sock 'em punch ups? Snappy dialogue? Scarlett Johansson in Lycra? Sounds good doesn't it? Well....
Robert Downey Junior does his smart-talking smug thing again. Chris Hemsworth does his blonde bombshell anachronistic demi-God thing again. That dull bloke is that dull Captain America again. The Hulk bounces around in unconvincing CGI destructo mode again. Scarlett Johansson does her pouty, spandexy ass kicking thing again. Again and again and again. You get my point. It's all more of the same. Except multiplied. A running, jumping, punching, flying, exploding, CGI extravaganza. All sound and (Nick) fury but signifying nothing other than an, admittedly, smart director helming some famous faces in front of green screen while a legion of CGI artists beaver away at the rendering. Is this movie making or games design? There are plus points. There is at least an attempt at some character development. Mark Ruffalo's Bruce Banner has a good line of banter with Tony Stark/ Iron Man. There are some decent gags. Tom Hiddleston is enjoying himself being archly camp as the baddie. But, it's just not enough. As once again the whole thing collapses under the weight of more CGI aliens. Let's be honest I went in with the biggest bag of pop-corn. Brain checked in at the door. Expecting to be entertained. I guess I was but to be honest I don't really remember much as I my primary register was... deep breath... boredom.
Now before I get kicked to death by hordes of Marvel fan-people (look how PC am I?) None of this is the fault of the film. The 13 year old me (whilst being grumpy with the portrayal of Hawkeye) would probably have thought all his Christmases had come at once. Yet, Avengers Assemble has left me teetering on the edge of an existential crisis: I'm just too old for this s**t.