Spiderbland

Rating: 1/10 (3 July 2012)

In one scene, right after a spider in the Oscorp Laboratories bites Peter Parker: he falls asleep in a subway only to be awakened by a random loser who (for some strange reason) places a beer bottle on Parker's head. A drop of water from the bottle rolls down onto Peter's face, causing him to fling to the top of the car and stick to the ceiling – like a spider.
Over a dozen people witness this spectacular feat... and what happens next? A lady gets miffed because some of the beer spilled on her clothes. That particular reaction sums up how amazing the entire film is. After fully realizing his powers and using them to skateboard with furious bravado outside his high school, Peter Parker (much too) quickly dons the Spidey outfit that seems more like a surfer's wetsuit than a real transformation.
He seeks his uncle's murderer from the supposedly pivotal scene lacking the tragic fate of the protagonist's mentor in Sam Raimi's version. This doesn't perpetuate Parker into a vengeful vigilante misusing his powers, but gives him reason to fly around wielding his skills that actor Andrew Garfield never seems in any particular awe about. The SOCIAL NETWORK star, resembling Anthony Perkins had he become a melancholy hipster, doesn't give Peter Parker the underdog value Tobey Maguire successfully conveyed – but that's the scripts fault. Parker's not a nerd or even an outcast; having lost his parents for mysterious reasons, he's simply not a happy camper.
Other than the rushed changeling into the titular superhero, there's hardly any character arc for the good guy or the villain. Osco's resident genius Dr. Curt Conner's transforms into The Lizard so quick, running amok New York City like a raptor on steroids, there's not much reason, or worthy motivation, for his actions.
But (all) this lack of purpose fits a movie that, when not wallowing in romantic melodrama between Parker and girlfriend Gwen Stacey whose dad is a hard-nosed cop and a weak replacement for a much-needed human antagonist like J. Jonah Jameson doesn't live up to the original film or the comic books that at least, for better or worse, had a good time.
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