The "Not so" Amazing Spiderman

Rating: 5/10 (28 October 2012)

Yeah the title of the review has most definitely been thought of by somebody before me but I just couldn't resist.
After such incredible superhero movies such as Christopher Nolan's Batman and The Avengers, what could be remembered of Spiderman needed to be rebooted. It was obviously not conceived this year but the massive influx of superhero movies, and the fact that Toby McGuire probably wasn't available for further sequels, spurred Sony to try and resurrect this web-slinging hero. Giving the helm to an inexperienced director (much in the vein of Joss Whedon) we were set to be delivered the darker, more realistic and gritty version of Spiderman (much in the vein of Batman). We were deceived and the web pulled over our eyes.
Let's start with the good news. The performances were excellent. Andrew Garfield as an awkward high school student was much better than the "emo" and depressed Toby McGuire. As Peter Parker, or better yet when we could see his face, pulled off quite the act. We expected great things from him after "the Social Network" and he performed well. Emma Stone is a talented woman and she acts well. Rhys Ifans as the anguished Curt Connors and Martin Sheen as the immortal Uncle Ben were great though not enough was given to these characters, the camera focusing mostly on the eponymous hero, his dashing damsel and the CGI villain. Speaking of which, the CGI too was excellent though for a movie of this budget, if it wasn't, it would be deplorable. Unfortunately that's all I can scrounge to label good news. Now comes the flood of bad.
The plot is ridiculous and stupid. Chock-full of clichés, holes, unexplainable behaviour and topped off unabashedly with a thick, greasy layer of cheese. There was so much cheese, this movie rivals the monstrosities Epic Meal Time conjures up in their disgusting videos. Alternate plot lines are vaguely mentioned and never resolved, people do stupid things with no motivation (eg. Spiderman taking his mask off every other scene), nonsensical and irrelevant scenes stretch on to the end of time. This brings me to the length of the movie; there was absolutely NO REASON this movie had to be as long as it was. We were never given enough of Spiderman actually doing his thing, being the friendly neighbour and all that jazz.
Cinematography was average. This is not what needs to happen in an action superhero movie. We need excellently filmed action sequences which are satisfying. And the score, oh MY GOD the score was hellish. This was the WORST score for an action movie, evoking emotions in the wrong places, at the wrong times and sounding exactly like any other orchestral piece. Except I've heard some good orchestra and this was poor. The Director, who is completely inexperienced, has done a bad job of bringing this movie back from it's beleaguered past. We suffered through 2 bad sequels. Now we suffer through a bad remake. The worst part is we must go through this again if Mark Webb hasn't learned his lesson. And in all probability, owing to the fact that this garbage earned millions of greens, he hasn't. Thank God this isn't part of the Avengers Initiative or I would be crying blood.
One more gripe, what was the point of Irrfan Khan's character anyway? What is up with Hollywood hiring great Bollywood actors for 2-bit roles? They did this by straddling Anil Kapoor with a nauseating role in MI4 and now Irrfan Khan with this completely forgettable part. These are great actors Hollywood! We expect more respect from you!