Sloppy and illogical, but sometimes entertaining

Rating: 5/10 (9 November 1999)

How do you mess up a plot as simple as THE 13th WARRIOR's? This is the story of Ahmed ibn Fahdalan (Antonio Banderas), whom the Abbassid caliph appoints as ambassador to the Northmen (interestingly, I don't recall the word `Viking' ever being used in this movie). The Vikings dragoon him into service against a mysterious tribe of creatures that are attacking the Vikings' villages and eating the flesh of the slain.
Screenwriters William Wisher and Warren Lewis competed with each other to see how many holes they could fit in a plot this small; I won't blame Michael Crichton since I haven't read his book. The foremost absurdity is that we are supposed to believe that just 13 Vikings turned the tide of battle against this strange tribe of hundreds of creatures, even though the king's village has hardly `a man between fifteen and fifty' besides them. The concept that this tribe can be defeated merely by killing two of its biggest and strongest members is the invention of someone who has only a video-game understanding of war. Ahmed, appointed as an ambassador, never once attempts any diplomatic function; the minute the fighting is over he turns around and goes home! He also goes from being a poet unskilled with weapons to Zorro-like derring-do in no time flat, without even being trained. A subplot involving the local king's son leads to a tedious duel scene and then goes nowhere. The many smaller holes are too numerous to list.
Almost lost in the mangled storyline is some very interesting speculation on the origin of medieval myth and superstition. When the human-flesh-eating beast-men attack, and are beaten off, the bodies of their dead disappear. Presumably the beast-men carried them off to eat, but to the Vikings demonism seems as logical an explanation as any. A gigantic fiery snake winds its way down a mountain toward the Viking village. This turns out to be a column of hundreds of mounted enemies carrying torches, but how many of the women and children who hid in cellars during the battle passed the tale of the fiery `dragon' down to the next generation? And it's not hard to see the origin of the Beowulf myth in the confrontation with the beast-man tribe's mother priestess in a cave below the earth.
Except for Ahmed and one of the Vikings named Herger, the characters are all cardboard. I was not the only viewer who couldn't keep the twelve Viking warriors straight or attach names to them. A love interest character named Olga, played by the beautiful Maria Bonnevie, is so poorly drawn that she should have been left out altogether.

The acting is a mixed bag. I like Banderas; it takes a hell of a lot of guts for a man who makes his living as a sex symbol to take on an explicitly homosexual role, which Banderas did and did well a few years back in PHILADELPHIA. But he's just not very good in THE 13TH WARRIOR. His voice is exactly the same as in THE MASK OF ZORRO and doesn't sound the slightest bit Arabic. He is given several dramatic one-liners that he flubs badly. But he is good at simulating pain, and gives a good sense of stumbling over the words of the unfamiliar Norse language. Dennis Storhoi as Herger does by far the best job. He's a heck of a lot of ferociousness and scrappiness in a small package, and his face reminds me of a young Liam Neeson. Vladimir Kulich has been wildly overrated as Buliwyf; the man never once changes his facial expression or tone of voice. Schwarzenegger's Conan was Olivier by comparison. Daniel Southern, playing Eadgtho impressed me with his screen presence, though his accent needed work. Sven Wollter's King Hrothgar is lethargic and boring.
The soul of this film, of course, is its action scenes, and they are good, though sometimes confusing. The pace of the battles never lets up; they're savage and immediate. Firelight is well used to evoke the primitivism of the battlefield.
THE 13TH WARRIOR does a pretty good job of evoking the atmosphere of early medieval Scandinavia. There's not a paved road in sight; the roughness and uncouthness of the Vikings and their home is well painted, if maybe a bit overdone at first. Banderas ' prayer before the final battle is as superb a portrayal of the spirit of the medieval warrior as has ever appeared on screen. The Viking swords look like authentic museum reproductions. But why are there no battle-axes? Swords were rich men's weapons; to make a Viking movie with no axes is almost sacrilegious. Some of the armor looks suspiciously like 16th-century Spanish breastplate-and-morion gear. Also, British Columbia is a bit verdant to pass for northern Scandinavia.
The production values are as good as $100 million can buy. Jerry Goldsmith's score is enjoyable as always, but it's not one of his greater works. McTiernan sometimes applies the music poorly, allowing it to stop abruptly where it should have faded out. Unlike many action movies, this one does not have the humor laid on too thick. Banderas has an awful slapstick scene, but I enjoyed the chagrined swordsmith's line, `He insisted,' upon seeing his sword carved into a scimitar.
I was mildly entertained by THE 13TH WARRIOR, but would recommend it only to genre fans, for whom the rich atmosphere and action scenes may outweigh the illogical plot and poor characterization. If you see it at all, see it on the wide screen.
Rating: ** out of ****.