Cow Urine?

Rating: 5/10 (13 January 2013)

The 13th Warrior is directed by John McTiernan, who also co-adapts the screenplay with William Wisher Junior and Warren Lewis from the Michael Crichton novel Eaters of the Dead. It stars Antonio Banderas, Vladimir Kulich, Dennis Storhøi, Daniel Southern, Neil Maffin, John DeSantis, Diane Venora and Omar Sharif. Music is scored by Jerry Goldsmith and cinematography by Peter Menzies Junior.
10th Century Arabian emissary Ahmed ibn Fahdlan (Banderas) joins a band of Viking warriors to do battle with the Wendol, a band of human flesh eaters.
A financial disaster for Touchstone Pictures (it lost close to $100 million), The 13th Warrior was beset with problems from the off. Sitting on the shelf for nearly two years before finally getting released into theatres, the version put out was heavily re-edited by producer Michael Crichton; and it shows! Something clearly went wrong in production, where McTiernan, director of two of the finest action movies of the 80s, apparently lost his way. This is if you believe Sharif, who was so upset by the script and direction on the film he proclaimed he was quitting making bad movies; only to then make stuff like Shaka Zulu: The Citadel (2001)! The music department also had its problems, with Graeme Revell having his score rejected and Jerry Goldsmith brought in to, err, put his Wind and the Lion score inauthentically over the top of the film, loudly!
Us fans of historical period epics have been fed on scraps in the new millennium, more so for those who have a bent for Viking flavours. The 13th Warrior is not a disaster if you are prepared to just indulge in a thrill ride for an hour and forty minutes. It very much resembles an over extended music video, lots of loud slashing, chopping and thunder with guys dressed up in mud and blood period attire. Evidently this was Crichton's attempt to salvage the movie! Striping away its story and leaving characters and sub-plots resigned to being mini casual observers. It also at times for the dark/night time shots looks murky, Menzies' cinematography barely able to put life into the many action scenes or vividly realise the Canadian locations. Would a new Blu-ray release now improve upon this? Unlikely, though a chance to see McTiernan's original cut would be most welcome...
It is a mess of a movie, one that lacks brains and hurts the eyes and the ears, yet it does have its supporters. Lurching from one action scene to the next works for some, they don't care about brains to go with the brawn. But swords and shields film fans deserve better than this personality free tosh. 5/10