Rambo with swords and shields but even that is too much of a compliment.

Rating: 4/10 (22 January 2008)

When adventure films are good, that usually means they are fun. Indiana Jones and The Mummy are good examples of adventure films from recent times that have withstood the short test of contemporary time. Action films cannot help but impose upon additions to the genre; but when you see a bad adventure film, you know it's bad when the narrative is dull and routine; when the action scenes are short and unspectacular and when certain events that occur happen because the genre demands they happen, rather than because the film is trying something new and original.
In The Mummy, from the same year; there were these ancient Egyptian beetles that were reminiscent of piranhas only they weren't constricted to water; in the Indiana Jones films, we were given good, constructive bad guys who we enjoyed seeing get pummelled and beaten by the hero; we like the special effects in both films, the characters and the beauty of the locales. In The 13th Warrior, surely the now obvious 'beginning of the end' for director John McTiernan, we are given grubby looking cinematography set amongst a backdrop of boring and uninspiring settings; we are presented with action scenes so dull and unimpressive we actually feel cheated; we are presented with some of the most boring, one-dimensional characters ever committed to an action film and we are insulted with a narrative so plain and so uninteresting that to even repeat it would waste time and insult intelligence.
That is to say the actual narrative for The 13th Warrior is just bland and routine. Antonio Banderas plays an Arab with a Spanish accent among a group of Vikings who are portrayed in an equally insulting light. Banderas' character's name is even so long and such a mouthful that it too could be seen as insulting toward the typical Arabic name, in fact it's so long one could assume the writers were playing for laughs more than anything else. Action heroes need a short and sharp name, something cool and sharp to reflect their persona: Han Solo, James Bond, Indiana Jones; hell, even Rick O'Donnell would do but we are given "Ahmed Ibn Fahdlan Ibn Al Abbas Ibn Rashid Ibn Hamad"? It's no wonder the Vikings laugh at him as we are doing the same. After a very young boy travels the length and breath of the land (the length it takes to learn a new language), seemingly on his own, to deliver a mere message that they are under attack from 'monsters', twelve Vikings take it upon themselves to travel and help out but with one catch: the 13th warrior must be foreign. If you can get past the fact this little ancient 'rule' still seems like a necessity to be included in a time of crisis, then you might miss how very handy it is that Ahmed was even there; otherwise who else was going to go? Omar Sharif's character? I'd like to have seen that.
Ahmed goes on a journey with these Vikings whom are portrayed as big, disgusting troll like people who wash themselves in each others spit and happily kill one another over the last piece of drumstick at meal times. Likewise, the Arabs seem to have a certain class; a certain sort of swagger that can only be put down to Hispanic Banderas' good looks and Spanish elegance. In the film, Banderas has another opportunity to swish and sway enemies with his sword, just as he did in The Mask of Zorro a mere twelve months earlier. But this time, there is no class nor is there the feeling of adventure or excitement; unlike that film, The 13th Warrior heads nowhere bar an abyss of horrible action set pieces and boring logic. The 'monsters' of the piece turn out to be nothing more than bears with swords and shields, how dull and that's when we're supposed to truly believe that they're monsters. What Banderas discovers that no one else for the hundreds of years that they've been attacking the Viking villages is that these monsters are actually men, black men; in costume. Yes, racism starts to run a little thick and a little fast here. Boring, faceless, seemingly voodoo obsessed black people who are able to not only control the weather but live in an underground system of caves and such, during which they can survive and develop utopias of rope bridges and democratic systems that govern who are the fighters and who are the leaders: they are like human ants who every now and again, like to pop up to the surface and start a bit of bother. Their 'kind' have been doing this for centuries, might I add.
And then the genre movie kicks in. The Vikings and Ahmed lie in a circle as the monsters approach but nobody decided to give Ahmed any training with the Viking sword that he clearly cannot use but that's only established AFTER the first fight scene. He says so himself he is no warrior but he drops a few of these monsters no problem. The fights are frequent, dark and unintelligible when they're at their most mediocre. The film descends into a Warcraft style narrative when the characters have to visit some crazy old woman who speaks more sense than she looks like she's able to: "Kill the leader!" she exclaims. Yup, that might work. After seeing off hoards of the monsters who were armed with torches and swords and whom could so easily have taken the allied camp in one swoop if they really tried to, the Vikings and Ahmed make a counteroffensive into the lair; something nobody thought of in centuries gone by. A final word on the closing battle scene: absolute crap. A three minute montage of swishing swords and funny faces in slow motion and it's over, as is very briefly after the immediate ending, the audience's will to live.