What! Metal Gear!?

Rating: 1/10 (18 December 2009)

I'm not one to advocate piracy, if only because it gives the McGs, Bays and W.S Andersons an argumentative advantage should any of their dross ever actually lose money. Nor am I one to revisit a widely publicised train wreck simply to stick the boot in. However when this dropped I attempted everything to avoid paying for it without being left out of the water cooler sewing circle. Any internet pundit worth their 'retro gaming' review site was picking apart continuity errors in Terminator 4 long before Bale lost his rag. And that alone is what prompted me to throw my De Bono hat o' many colours into the bog. A large chuck of Western Civilization refuses to grow up. And consider Xenomorphs, T-800s and Autobots cherished childhood memories. Not that this is a GOOD thing, but it is wiser to treat THEIR icons with a lil' bit of respect lest you become as universally loathed as George Lucas.
Yes, the third one was much worse. Even meth addicts knew that. But this installment has the added "fu*k you!" of pulping 25 years worth of fan fiction and comic books depicting the possibilities of the post "Judgment Day" landscape. It's not funny, it's not "awesome", it's not fun, it's just sad. Bale wants to make the effort, but after hearing a line like "you have to send your father back in time so you can be born" all he can do is facepalm. I caught myself at that moment contemplating a chuckle, which is rarer than catching yourself thinking. Feel guilty for making fun of Bale now?
Restraining myself from whinging about bleedingly obvious holes in plot, continuity and logic, the crumminess of the pre-T-800 terminators (complete with Doc. boots and superfluous clothing) and the fact that everybody is trying their damnedest to give weight to the names John Connor and Kyle Reese by pausing and looking shocked after they say them, this is more a hatchet job on entertainment itself. Not so much a night out as slow punishment for those who gave it the benefit of the doubt. What do we have to show for this decade? Dead franchises given the monkey paw resurrection by a small Scientology junta in Hollywood? Slowly turning the act of movie making into an East Asian Communist Republic where being creative will have you labeled 'Bourgeoisie' and thrown in the Gulag until you learn to tow the Party line.
So yeah, piracy alone is responsible for everything wrong with the entertainment industry.
"God, you can go crazy thinking about all this"