Well and truly an obsolete model

Rating: 4/10 (14 August 2003)

The rather unwanted sequel to the sequel of Terminator has limped to the big screen - and whilst its not as bad as it could have been, its certainly not great. Twelve years is a long time to wait for a sequel and T3 feels like T2 warmed over for a kiddie-friendly rating.
Ahnult now looks like he's been inflated with a bicycle pump and freshly dipped in wood-stain - he appears to have been freshly varnished and provides a slightly less realistic central performance than the Cuprinol Man. Once again we have to endure his trademarked sense of 'humour', which is about as funny as being forced to sit through 'Patch Adams' at gun-point. Unlike most people moving from a German-speaking country to America, Ahnult's command of English appears to be getting worse. Not for the first time, I wish the film makers would subtitle him - no, I actually wish they'd cast Ahnult in a silent movie, but I can't expect too much.
The actors playing John Connor and his wife-to-be are so instantly forgettable that their names won't be bothering major casting directors in the future, (but do expect them to turn up in your local video store 'starring in' movies involving post-apocalyptic kickboxing cyborgs travelling through time).
Not to mention which that our best hopes for mankind are so damned brattish that you can't help but root for the machines. On the upside, the new Terminator is very cute and her inflatable breasts are well and truly aimed directly at the teenage male demographic. I have to say that she is perhaps the most attractive way to die since Ellen Barkin did/didn't do it all those years ago in 'Sea of Love', but hasn't someone done the shape-changing unstoppable, liquid metal robot before?
The plot - well there might be one, but don't study it too hard - its like one of those 3D illusions that were all the fashion a decade ago - some people claim to see things of wonder, the rest of us just get a headache working out what all the fuss is about. The movie threatens to become interesting only in the last few minutes, but by then you're probably more worried about deep vein thrombosis setting in than the potential end of the World.
Oh and can I have a word about the first Terminator machines? Their brutish menace is ever so slightly undermined if you've ever seen 'Short Circuit' - 'Number 5 is ALIVE!'
In short - if its a choice between this and 'Hulk' - see 'Hulk'; if its a choice between this and sitting out in the evening sun - slap on some sunblock, after all you won't have long to wait before Blockbuster have plenty of copies of T3 on the shelves.
Best wishes,
Mike.