Stinker

Rating: Null/10 (3 February 2000)

When I left the cinema, a group of people were discussing how bad this film was. Super-ultra-cosmically bad? Badder than the baddest thing you've ever seen, then even more bad? And it got me thinking (rare event this, but) and intrigued. How do you define badness? And how would your criteria stand up when confronted by the monumental badness that wallops you in this film? And that's before we even get on to the concept of 'it's so bad it's good.' And goodness knows this is bad. Would your bad-ometer explode thus forcing you to re-define badness again? Is it badder than that Christmas you once had with the Andersons? Or that time you were first introduced to your girlfriend's parents while you were going through that Nazi tea-shirt phase? Have you seen Ally McBeal? Imagine watching the entire first series back to back and it still won't even come CLOSE to the rankness that is T2.
This film looks like a bunch of high school kids got to together to guess what the sequel to the terminator might look like maybe. Not once does it seem like a real film. It's horribly self conscious, like we know we're a bunch of actors on the set of the terminator sequel. And we're nudging and winking (I said WINKING!) to one another. And it's bad. It's really bad. Put your gas masks on. Not you, Edward Furlong. Your hairs so long that it covers your face so you wouldn't smell anything anyway. Which is just as well, as you were actually IN the bloody thing. Which was bad. But I've said that already. Wait, Arnold's talking. Or torking. Ged too da chuuppeeer! Heylo, ife kom to si Seeayraa Cuunniirr, Iyam towld she eeez heeyur. Kun I see er, pliz? I want $20m to star in this sequel. Ah, you said that clearly enough, didn't you? Can you hear me through this mask?
Why is this film so blue? I haven't seen so much blue since I went to that flea pit in Holland with Eva (not her real name) to see 'I am curious, yellow.' I know artist's traditionally go through a blue period, but Cameron's a hack, not an artist. Also, what about the unlikeliness of a sudden huge leap in technology resulting in a new robot while sending an old dud model first to get Seeayra Cuunniir. The new robot is ridiculously far-fetched, as if tiny parts could seperate and somehow remake themselves at will. So daft. But we do get a glimpse of the future and it's blue. Did you know that blue and bad both start with a B? Nort a lodda peeeypowl know dat. Just our luck, the Anderson's probably have survived being lazer-zapped too.
And then there's the hypocrisy of the violence which deems it okay to blow the kneecaps off people instead of killing them, to assuage the critics of the first film (and joke about it too) and also not to upset the more mainstream audience this is aimed at. Money, money, money. At least the brutality of the first film was honest as it was not trying to sell dolls to youngsters. And, oh dear, the script. Cameron has to have his little jokes, no matter how much they defy logic and remind you you're just watching a film. Like the robot saying, "I need a vacation!" I suppose some Sci-Fi nut out there will tell me that the robot has suddenly understood the concept of humour after spending so long exposed to humans, they've got an answer for everything. Except badness. The last line of the picture is a pompous, not to mention fatuous little bromide too. Did you know that bromide and badness both begin with....?
I heard there's an even longer version of this film. Is it still going on? There might even be a super-ultra-director's cut. Arnie comes back as a Mormon, or something. Is Kyle Reece still floating around up there? Kyle? How blue is it up there? Blimey, I've just been hit by bird sh*t. Lucky I'm wearing this gas mask.