Ted: comedy cred but movie dead

Rating: 5/10 (28 July 2012)

Think of Ted as an R-rated version of the latest Muppets movie. Ted is a stuffed bear who magically comes to life when an eight-year-old boy makes a wish while a shooting star passes by (he doesn't seem to know about the star, though). The bear and the boy become best pals, through childhood and into adulthood. You can also think of Ted as an even raunchier episode of Family Guy, or even the short-lived series Greg the Bunny.
Fast forward 27 years, and John (Mark Wahlberg) is now a 35-year-old slouching slacker who's happiest just sitting on his couch getting stoned with, yes, Ted. I mean, the dude does have a job at a car-rental place, but he's clearly going nowhere. He does have one truly awesome thing going for him, though - he's dating Lori (Mila Kunis), who's as down to earth, raw, and crass as Ted and John, so she fits right in. Trouble is, she and John have been dating for four years (!) now, and he's getting the impression that she's ready for more.
It's a tug of war. Does John jettison Ted in favor of Lori, who feels (very rightly) that Ted is holding John back. Sort of like how, in the Muppet movie, Amy Adams is a tad uncomfortable with Walter the Muppet coming between her and Jason Segal. Anyway, Lori gives John chance after chance to get his act together. At one point, Ted moves out, into a seedy apartment. Eh, it's okay, though, because there are plenty of hookers around. The bear gets busy, you know what I mean?
As with most Seth Macfarlane projects, there is a ton of pop-culture humor. You can't escape it. Some of it works, some of it doesn't work at all; luckily, even some of the bad stuff comes off as self deprecating, as if Macfarlane knows the humor ain't quite there. There's an interesting homage to Airplane! at one point, and it works.
Now, the reason the Muppet movie could take this approach and make it work was that it was sweetly sentimental, an homage to a bygone era. It was cute and funny and mainly for kids or adults who can't let go of the past. Ted, on the other hand, takes the same approach and just amps up the adult content. You want drugs? Yep. Drink? Yep. Naked women? Of course there's naked women, and there are plenty of references to what Ted (uh huh) can and will do to them. It's weird, it's creepy, and it's expected.
The plot itself is pedestrian. Everyone needs someone. Ted needs John, John needs Ted, John needs Lori, Lori needs John. Ted leaves, John feels bad, Ted convinces John to party, Lori finds out, Lori leaves John, Ted gets kidnapped... oh yes, there's a kidnapping, too, with a seedy dad (Giovanni Ribisi) and his needy kid. It's a side plot that's really unnecessary except to give us a car chase and a race up the Green Monster at Fenway Park.
Have I given too much away? Of course not. The plot isn't that big of a mystery, anyway; it's the jokes you come for. Okay, let me put it this way. If you like Family Guy but always felt the creators (Macfarlane) were holding back because of TV censors, then you'll find plenty of laughs here, scattered though they may be. If you've never been a Family Guy fan, you probably won't get into this too much anyway. Sometimes the pop references are funny on their own but make zero logical sense. For example, Ted at one point brags about having met Norah Jones at a Belinda Carlisle party and having sex with her in a closet. Considering how close Ted and John are supposed to be throughout the movie, it really isn't likely that the teddy bear would be off at Hollywood parties while the human is stuck in Boston. Yes, you read me right. I accept a talking stuffed animal, but that's it.
If I were to pick just one thing that I loved about the movie, though, it would be the ethereal-yet-humanistic Mila Kunis, who makes for a terrific girlfriend. She's not a caricature (a bit of a surprise); she doesn't demand things from John, hates to issue ultimata (but of course does have to), can joke as nastily as her male counterparts, and is an all-around good person with real feelings, characteristics I wouldn't expect to see in a Seth Macfarlane movie. Maybe it's to make up for all of the crap Kunis' character Meg takes on Family Guy (never seen such a hated character). In any event, Kunis is terrific, better than the material, by far the best part of the entire movie. It's nice to be beautiful, I'm sure, but it's wonderful to be talented.
Ted was never meant to be for everyone, that's for sure. You love raunch, well, then this movie is drenched in raunch dressing. And off- color, non-PC jokes. Some of it is painfully unfunny (who thought having Mark Wahlberg sing was a good idea). Some of the scattered references do stick a little, so it's not a wasted effort - as long as you count yourself among the intended audience.