The ideal date film for easily pleased, drunk students.

Rating: 3/10 (7 August 2012)

I first watched the trailer for Ted while waiting for A Fantastic Fear of Everything to begin. It started, I wondered, I smiled, I laughed out loud and then I noticed the loud silence beside me.
Alas, my companion for the evening does not take kindly to profanity and is more easily offended than I. Either my offence threshold is substantial or I'm debauched and immoral. I'll leave you to decide. However, the point I'm making is that Ted is very likely to offend if you're extremely Christian, shocked by obscenities and sexual depiction or just an innocent Aunt Nelly. Written and directed by Seth MacFarlane, creator of Family Guy and American Dad, Ted steps further over the line, delves deeper into the realms of bad taste and would disturb the late Mary Whitehouse far, far more than Dennis Potter or A Clockwork Orange ever did, if she were six feet higher and in better shape than is currently the case.
So, Ted will succeed in offending those who choose to be offended but is it any good? Yes, but not amazingly so. Is it funny? Again, yes, but not as funny as it could have been. There are a few moments that prompt muted guffaws but it stands a long way behind the delights of last year's The Guard or even Goon from earlier this year. The funniest moments are the snap reactions (a certain punch in the final act, the horror of Mr. & Mrs. Bennett when they discover their son's bear is alive) but, though there are regular moments to exercise the lungs, there is never a danger of split sides.
Ted should be very funny. The core idea is funny: The lonely, bullied, eight year old John receives a teddy bear for Christmas and wishes it to life so that he can have a friend for life. Ted becomes an American celebrity then falls from grace and the two friends settle into a coach potato life of drink, drugs and unrealized potential. All of this occurs in the first few minutes and is explained through a narration from Patrick Stewart in a below-par version of Tom Baker's outstanding Little Britain commentaries. And that's pretty much how the film runs: below par.
Much of the comedy is vulgar and puerile but that was bound to be the case. However, it should also be clever and it isn't; it could be subtle but it's almost always over-egged. Once we get past the initial, superb set-up, the story is really quite simple and plods along bypassing every offshoot that offers depth and substance. There is little of either here and that isn't helped by the actors. Mark Wahlberg, as the adult John, wanders through Ted on autopilot delivering his lines with almost the required amount of emotion but less like an actor and more like one of a group of friends roleplaying in college improve club.
Mila Kunis, playing his girlfriend Lori, similarly plods along without any real impact. Ten hours later I can barely remember any significant scenes involving her let alone killer lines. The highpoint of her career so far, Black Swan, seems very far in the past. Joel McHale plays a greasier, less sophisticated and more unlikeable version of his Community hero, Jeff, and even the reliable and reliable quality fallback, Giovanni Ribisi is wasted as watered-down familiar crazy. Although far from perfect, the standout is actually the voice of Ted, MacFarlane.
There are some fun cameos, one of which is an absolute delight, one short and sweet and one dragged out, strung out, wrung out and washed out. These three cameos say a great deal about Ted. When it's sharp, it's bang on the money but far too often the team just doesn't know when to cut and move on. There have been many examples of when having a one person star, write (or adapt) and direct works admirably (Keneth Branagh's In the Bleak Midwinter, Hamlet and Henry V, George Clooney's The Ides of March, Mel Gibson's Apocalypto) but Seth MacFarlene is none of these and this is a classic argument against such control (or ego).
If you're an easily pleased drunk student you'll probably love it but for anyone else, it probably isn't worth the effort. And whilst much of the bad language is merely punctuation and down to lazy writing rather than for comedic effect, it isn't a reason to be offended or avoid Ted. The reason to avoid Ted, if you choose to do so, is that it isn't anywhere near as good as it should be or thinks it is.
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