Seth McFarlane's Gift For Zany Humor Is Nowhere To Be Found In This Comedic Calamity

Rating: 2/10 (31 August 2015)

Ted is director Seth McFarlane's first feature film. Now, I think McFarlane is a funny guy. His massively popular TV show, Family Guy, was at one time the single funniest show on television. I am a true fan of McFarlane's brand of irreverent humor, but somehow, his first film is almost 100% devoid of laughs.
Ted is about a lazy stoner, played by Mark Wahlberg, and his talking, sentient, teddy bear, voiced by McFarlane in his Peter Griffin accent. The majority of the movie sees the two of them engaging in all sorts of devious behavior. They smoke pot, they pick up hookers, and they party hard. That description seems to warrant, at the very least, a handful of good laughs; especially with McFarlane running the show. However, McFarlane completely botches the humor in this movie. For example, an early gag shows the two friends using a bong. You would assume that's just the setup to the joke... nope... that IS the joke. "They smoke pot. Isn't that funny?!". There are so many of these instances where we're asked to laugh at the premise alone. The idea of a vulgar teddy bear is only so funny, and to hang the entire movie on that premise alone is foolish. I don't think a foul-mouthed teddy bear is funny. If you don't either, then Ted offers nothing to you.
When the jokes don't simply fail, they fall into the raunchy, shock humor trap. Ted himself is incredibly crude, and yet, his vulgarity is not complemented by any type of actual comedy. He's raunchy for the sake of raunchiness. A popular segment, The "Thunderbuddies Song" is not clever or funny in any way. It just has a ton of indecent language, so people will laugh at it, right? Judging by its popularity, I guess that's the case, but come on! Are people that easily tickled? Maybe I'm just a square, but I need more than swear words to make me laugh, I need wit. All of these comedic failures would sink this movie on their own., but the movie has another glaring issue.
The second half or so of Ted is when McFarlane just gives up on the idea of making a comedy. The story of a crazed fanatic who attempts to steal Ted takes center stage and the movie becomes a straightforward chase picture. The jokes stop falling flat, but only because they stop showing up at all. The conflict itself is not at all interesting, and it is totally pointless. I don't go to comedies for action or drama, I go to laugh. On that front, Ted is a failure.
I had one or two laughs during Ted. I can do better than that with any single episode of Family Guy, and I'd save myself a precious hour of life. Ted is unfunny throughout, and the second half is totally misguided. The movie is a nasty, extremely unpleasant misfire. I like Seth McFarlane, but I hate Ted.
16/100