Lame even by my low standards

Rating: 2/10 (14 February 2009)

Poor Liam. He's ex-CIA, which we find out when all his ex-CIA friends show up at his house and start reminiscing about the old days in the CIA. How convenient that his ex-CIA buddies talk him into a bodyguard job where he heroically saves a no-name singer from being knifed to death. This allows him to not only prove his manhood and hand-to-hand combat skills, but also get the singer's business card to give to his daughter slash aspiring pop princess (not that she sings at all in the movie). Did I mention she just turned 17 and received of all things a PONY from her rich step-dad at the extravagant birthday party he threw for her? Oh, and she wants to go to Paris with her best friend. just the two of them, and needs her dad's signature on some immigration form.
Liam is skeptical about sending his daughter to Paris. But her mom (Liam's ex-wife) wastes no time telling us about how she hated his CIA job and can't believe Liam would be hesitant to send his daughter to Paris unescorted. I mean, what's the worst that could possibly happen to two teenage girls by themselves in Paris? How dare he be so paranoid? After all, they will be staying at her friend's cousin's house in Paris, and like most parents who send their underage daughters to Paris without adult supervision, she didn't call the cousins to ask about the arrangements. And oh, by the way, instead of just staying in Paris, they're going to be traveling all over Europe to see U2 concerts. With that kind of subplot I can't believe U2 didn't take this opportunity to include one of their songs in this movie.
Fast forward after a 12-hour flight and the girls arrive completely fresh in Paris. Immediately a young man approaches them and wants to share a cab to save money. How smart of the girls to accept his money-saving offer. Next thing you know, the girls get to the apartment and immediately tell the dude that they're staying there alone. Didn't their parents tell them not to talk to strangers?
About this time I start apologizing to my husband about how incredibly stupid this movie is. I even offered to see if we could get our money back. My only hope was that the girl get kidnapped soon so that we could get to some more exciting parts of the movie. Thank goodness the kidnapping scene was minutes away, and I admit that scene got my heart pumping. If only the rest of the movie were that good.
Lest we leave any clichés unturned, we now return to Liam. His dialog indicates he's flat broke, but his daughter's step-dad is rich and can send Liam to Paris on a private jet. Naturally mom and step-dad stay behind, because that's what most parents would do when their daughter is kidnapped overseas into the female slave trade. After his arrival in Paris, Liam hooks up with an old cop friend (don't *you* have any old cop friends in Paris?). Now, what kind of French character should the cop be? How about we name him Jean-Claude and have him walk home carrying a baguette? That way everyone will know he's French!
One thing about Liam's character: he takes no prisoners. He has no problem shooting a dude in the back of the head as he runs away. Pretty much everyone who gets in his way gets either a bullet or "daim bramage" from a blunt object. Given Liam's single-minded pursuit of his daughter, even innocent people are at risk. For example, it should come as no surprise that Liam would shoot a bad guy's wife in the arm to get information from him. My husband and I laughed heartily, like we might've done at that mall cop movie (which I wish we'd seen instead).
Miraculously, Liam remains largely uninjured despite a good 100 people shooting at him. Even Jason Bourne shows some signs of wear from time to time, but he's not rescuing his daughter from a polygamist sheik and therefore lacks Liam's bullet-proof resolve. And lest anyone worry that his daughter was robbed of her innocence, we are told via an auctioneer that she's "guaranteed pure." Whew!
I'll spare you the heartwarming tale of the daughter's rescue and homecoming. Too bad her pony didn't show up at the airport. That would've been a perfect ending.