Dirty Harry has a Death Wish

Rating: Null/10 (11 November 2010)

"They are Skopians, they are Albanians, we will make new clothes out of their skins!" - Greek Soldiers (chant, 2010)
"Taken" would make an excellent satire. Imagine it as a delirious right wing fantasy about the dangers of exiting the protective arm of American exceptionalism, our hero an ex CIA agent who will stop at nothing to rescue his 17 year old daughter, who has recently been sold into white slavery.
Daddy must therefore go rogue, slipping undercover one last time in order to save his little girl from the evils of both New Europe and a Muslim/Albanian cartel. As our film progresses, our hero will dispatch with bad guys with ruthless efficiency, using his billion dollar CIA training to totally dominate all who stand in his way. Think of him as Dick Cheney with a black belt in karate, Daddy unconcerned about anything other than his own daughter. Other young women have been captured by the Albanians? Let the foreign scum take care of their own.
But who will play our Dick Cheney character? Well, why not Liam Neeson, Jedi Knight and merciful saviour of the Jews? He can add gravity and sadness to this role, a kinder, gentler version of Clint Eastwood, another actor who injected believability into reactionary and xenophobic pictures.
How do we get audiences to take our film seriously? Simple. Flood all its trailers with statistics and facts about global immigration, human trafficking and sex crimes. Make the film seem important, topical and relevant, then treat your suckered audience to good ole West vs the World paranoia, super dad protecting his privilege from the barbarian horde whilst ignoring the very issues our marketing campaign feigned interest in.
But why waste time and money making a satire of this film? Just pop a laugh track over "Taken" and watch Liam Neeson do a bad Charles Bronson impersonation.
6/10 – See "A History of Violence" and "Eastern Promsies" for a dissection of this film's very mentality.