Simpering Todd, the Limp-Wristed Pansy of Fleet Street

Rating: 1/10 (30 July 2008)

The biggest error, other than horrible casting, is that no one appears to have directed this mess. It's just talking heads for scenes and scenes, and all the songs are either gone or underplayed to the point of boredom--it's like Tim Burton is a pouting child who's sitting in a corner saying, "fine, I'll give you songs for your musical, but I don't have to like it--there, there's your song--you happy now?" He clearly isn't interested in making a musical, and that's part of the problem. I think like most of the stuff he remakes, he just ran into this show, and knew one thing: the sellout goth kids would go see it, making tons of dough for him and his fake-out, "look-at-me, I'm-so-artistically-weird," ilk. I mean, I love Sweeney Todd (the musical), and I was bored in this movie. That really shouldn't happen when people are being slaughtered by a barber. That should be holding your interest if it's done right.
Let's just accept the fact that Burton is going to massacre Alice In Wonderland when he gets his hands on it next year. He needs to give up remakes and adaptations altogether, because his track record with them since 1999 is one good (sleepy hollow) to three bad, and this one is even worse than his abysmal Planet of the Apes. Depp is a good actor, and all due respect to the man who played in Gilbert Grape and other fine roles. But this is completely beyond him. He's about as scary as a paper clip. I wouldn't trust him to have the dexterity to manslaughter a munchkin that needed hip replacement. He's that ineffectual. But the real Turkey Award goes to Helena Bonham Carter, whose Mrs. Lovett is so lifeless, it almost makes you unaware of the other howling error in casting her: she can't sing worth a bird's hat. She's really awful, seriously.
SPOILER ALERT: DO NOT READ ON IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN SWEENEY TODD IN SOME FORM OR OTHER!
I'm sorry, but this must be said, and I don't want to spoil the story (although clearly that wasn't a prerogative of Burton's) for anyone, so only read this part if you're familiar with the whole story already.
The reason this got 1.5 stars (rather than .5 stars) is because of one thing: it's really gratifying to see Helena Bonham Carter burning. Really, really gratifying. She should be burned alive in everything she's in from now on.