Um, Not So Much

Rating: 4/10 (2 July 2008)

The more I think about it, the more I wasn't crazy about it. I've always been really fond of "Sweeney Todd" (Yes, I used to have the original cast album. Thank you.), I even made my parents take me to see an in-the-round Broadway production when I was in high school that was quite awesome. But the movie, really, is far too pretty and sanitized--it just isn't grim enough. "Sweeney Todd" is like "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" as written by Charles Dickens. Not a Cure video. I feel this is largely because Depp & Bonham-Carter were both too young and pretty and sympathetic. Like that whole at-the-sea-quence that seemed to be mostly devoted to getting her dolled up in Gothic Lolita drag. (I mean, she looks fabulous. I love the tatty Victorian outfits. But Mrs. Lovett can not wear a smoky eye and a push-up bra!) And they eliminated my favorite number, where the villain flogs himself while singing hymns and ogling his lovely ward through the peephole.
All I could think was this: "Dammit, if they'd gotten Tom Waits and Marianne Faithful, this would be the greatest film in history." Think of it. Marianne's half-"screw you," half-rueful "Worst Pies in London" (And, on her, the smudged mascara and the hoisted tits would work.) matched only by the chilling glory that would be Waits' "Epiphany" number. (Depp was good and all, but I know Waits' "Care for a shave?" would make the blood freeze in your veins. Remember his ace performance as Renfield in the otherwise kinda excruciating "Dracula?"). And, oh, their cannibalism duet would be so gravelly and witty and perfectly paced. I can see and hear it all so clearly in my mind and, thus, this version--while nice and all--frustrates me even more. Honestly, most of the people who loved this movie seem like they'd love pretty much anything by Tim Burton and/or with Johnny Depp.