Avoid at all costs

Rating: 1/10 (17 December 2007)

I went to great lengths to rent this movie yesterday, traveling to a couple of video stores until I found an available copy (I scored the last one they had!). I felt lucky, and was really looking forward to cuddling up on the couch with my new girlfriend, and having a few laughs.
Yes, there were a few laughs here and there, but as the movie wore on, my laughter grew less and less frequent, began turning to discomfort, and then finally crossed over the line into outright embarrassment -- and even anger that this spectacularly bad movie has been greeted with such enthusiasm by audiences and - shamelessly - even critics.
I knew the plot beforehand - two dorky kids are assigned to procure alcohol for a party - which sounded promising - and something most people can relate to, if you grew up in the US after the drinking age increased to 21. I remember messing around with fake ID's, hoping to score some booze any way possible so my friends would think I was cool, being simultaneously attracted to and intimidated by girls, etc. This should have been a rich source of comedic possibilities. But sadly, the characters were unlovable, even unlikeable - they talk to girls in demeaning ways that bear no resemblance to the awe and fascination that I felt toward them when I was a teenager. I seriously hope that when a cute girl tells a nerd, "I'll rub your back if you rub mine", the kid does not reply that his back happens to be "located on my c**k." This might be funny due to shock value (I confess that I laughed), but it doesn't make me relate to this character or root for him to actually get laid. I don't recognize this brand of nerd, and have absolutely no sympathy for him. Basically, he approaches women like Stifler from American Pie, but without the cuteness or charm.
Furthermore, these foul-mouthed kids inhabit a world that I simply do not recognize - a world that might be what a 14 year old porn-addled boy envisions, due to his lack of actually having any real-life experiences yet.
I don't see how this movie could be funny for anyone who has actually (i) gone to a party or (ii) had sex. For me, the worst scene was when the kids go to an adult (30-something) party -- where the "funny" part is when one kid gets menstrual blood on his pants (message: girls are yucky!!). Another adult at the party shows up with a stolen case of alcohol, and screams "we're gonna get f***ed up!" as if he had procured some amazing hard-to-find drug that would propel him to a new, ecstatic experience - I guess a 14 year old might think adults talk this way about drinking but, um, we don't. Simply stated, this movie made me cringe at nearly every turn. Plus, the fat kid says the F-word or some variation thereof every 2 seconds, which was entirely unnecessary (unless it's designed to make you dislike him even more). Please avoid this miserable disaster of a film, unless you are a boy between the ages of 14 and 14 1/2.