Horrifying! (For all the wrong reasons.)

Rating: Null/10 (2 August 2011)

By now, we all know the plot; while making a super-8 zombie movie, a group of kids ("Stand By Me") inadvertently film a train wreck that releases some mysterious cargo ("Cloverfield"). As the kids get caught up in the mystery, the army (and its villainous leader) run around trying to contain both the kids and the cargo in what amounts to a clusterf*ck of exposition and deus ex machina. (That's Latin for, "Nigga, please."). How big are the plot holes? Put it this way: a 60-foot, spider-like alien could crawl through them without so much as an "excuse me."
Like the story's protagonists, I love being terrified by way of a willing suspension of disbelief. Instead, I found myself horrified by the film's utter suspension of common sense. I can't understand why Spielberg, the mastermind behind "Close Encounters" and "Jaws," EP'd this movie. Actually, I can -- when I think of Spielberg, the producer. He truly "gets" the ever-descending standards of today's movie-going public. For better or worse the man has always understood his audience. In Spielberg's day, we were better, smarter. Today, well... we have the Tea Party. Actually, we have its progeny, spending their parents' unemployment checks on movies when they should be reading their bibles and burning crosses on the White House lawn.
Is it any wonder my respect for Spielberg as a filmmaker increases tenfold when comparing his abilities to Abrams'? Spielberg could have farted a better film. And 30 years ago, he would have -- as a TV episode of The Night Gallery. Remember that show? Neither do I. But Abrams' ascendancy in the world of television explains a lot about his shortcomings as someone looking to be the next Spielberg. Maybe on some other planet.
The idea, itself, is great. But Super-8 gets derailed the moment the train careens off the tracks, releasing its cargo of cheap scares and incredulity, causing M. Night Shamalamananyan to wonder what the hell happened to his FedEx package! Even "E.T. - The Extraterrestrial" appeals to both adults and kids, dishing out thrills for the latter without insulting the intelligence of the former. Not so with Super-8.
The characters have nothing to do with the larger story. While the performances are solid - and Elle Fanning's foreshadows future Oscars - the kids play no role pivotal to the outcome of the tale. Nor do the events really change them beyond what's expected. It's as if there are two movies playing out simultaneously. And the one with the expensive monster is crap. An afterthought. Only the secondary and tertiary characters undergo any real change. But their stories are so fleeting, who cares if the love interest's Dad starts out as a bastard and ends up as a swell guy? We can't even remember his name. Ironically, the best part of the movie was watching the kids' completed zombie flick during the credit roll, which turned out to be scarier and more plausible than Abrams' big-budget train wreck. (I get the feeling Spielberg directed it). As for the larger movie, I'm not gonna run through all the plot holes, which are sufficient for an entirely separate article.
But how is it that such a large and unstoppable creature could have been contained for over 20 years -- or even 20 seconds (in a box car no less) -- only to escape when the box car gets knocked sideways alongside a small town in the middle of nowhere? Why does the military wait a week or two (allowing all the necessary characters enough time to get wise to the extraterrestrial cargo) before finally evacuating the town -- when they already know there's a giant alien on the loose in search of used appliances? Hello?? Earth calling common sense?? And just what is it about microwave ovens and old refrigerators that make for such great alien space ship launching pads? Hell, had I known back then that my old Zenith harbored highly-advanced technology, I would have sold it to a Chinese kid.
Even the era is totally arbitrary to the story, satisfying only the filmmakers' sentimental yearning for the old days when they were kids with super-8 movie cameras. I get it, but so what? This isn't relevant to me; in the late 70s, I was learning to masturbate while wearing KISS make-up. Super-8 (the format) has nothing to do with me, or the story. The movie could have been called Hi-8. Or MiniDV for all it matters. I suppose it's convenient for the story take place before most of the audience was born, so there's fewer people calling bullshit on the references. I mean, come on -- no respectable nerd would buy a Hunchback model over a Karloff Bride of Frankenstein; the stores couldn't give the Lon Chaney Quasimodo ones away.
Altogether, the era, the lapses in logic, the predictability -- all of it suited Abrams' needs rather than those of the story. And isn't that the whole problem with movies these days? Nobody wants to do the work. Not the filmmakers. Not the audience. Not the focus group moderators. We want it easy. We want CGI. F*ck stop-motion, it's too much work! Save your provocation for the art house, we'd rather not think, thank you very much. We want all the services without paying any of the taxes. In this context, Super-8 makes total sense, along with most of the "blockbusters" these days.
But why I spent over $60 to see this in the theaters when I should have known better? That remains a mystery for which I have no sufficient answer. I guess, like everyone else, I'm only human, and not that smart either. Although, looking back, I certainly understand the alien's motivation for wanting to get off this planet. When confronted by the likes of those in Middle America... well, let's just say the horror was all his.