Cloverfield meets E.T. meets The Goonies, for Hillbillies from the master of allusion

Rating: 1/10 (25 August 2013)

I'm a true hater of Jar Jar Abrams way of film making and i tell you why:
Everything Abrams writes is a patchwork of allusions clued together by some light weighted side plots, mainly of inter human structure, to distract the audience from the illogicality and sloppiness of the 'main' plot which typically fits on a coaster. Thereby Abrams pits on the superficiality of curiosity and laziness of the audience, which is a zeitgeist phenomena of modern multimedia times.
Here, there's an alien guy, who was captured by the military years ago, after he crashed his ship somewhere, and then mistreated in cruel experiments by unscrupulous army scientists, he just want's to go 'home', but he can't for some reasons. During a railway crash, he/it could escape and is now chased by the army. Finally because some kind words of a kid, the frustrated and very angry alien guy gains his faith back and decides to fly away in his space ship which only consists of little magnetic cubes and which rebuilds out of them in minutes.
WTF? You might ask yourself right now, well that's the main plot on the coaster.
Your Questions are probably: Why did the railway crash? A.: one of the army scientists who was involved in the cruel experiments has become a partisan supporter of the alien and tries to cause the railway crash with his pickup truck. The train rammed the truck with full speed, the train goes to pieces, the truck with his driver survives the crash somehow. Q.: Why, How? A.: Because it's in the script, the guy is there to tell the audience later what happened to the alien before. Q.: Why is the army transporting that huge super dangerous alien in a container wagon without any high security equipment or delta force guards? A.: It's in the script, otherwise the alien guy couldn't escape.
The alien guy escapes to a near small town, where our Goonie-kids live. There he hides under a cemetery where he builds himself a huge cave labyrinth in 4 months, without ever catching the attention of the village people, for instance by noise or the huge amount of soil he had to clear away. Q.: ??, A.: keep watching, idiot!
To escape from Earth the alien guy needs his ship, or, equivalent, the cubes, which form the ship. Lucky wise, all the cubes he needs were also transported with the train, and lucky wise, were spread all over the place, and, lucky wise or so, he could collect them somehow before the army or anybody else could find them after the crash. Well, ONE cube was found by one of the Goonies. The alien guy, though, puts all his cubes in the water tower of the village meanwhile. Q.: ???, why cubes?, why the water tower? A.: A good place where everybody could see the final scene of the movie and why not cubes, maybe Abrams likes Rubik's cubes *cough*! Q.: But didn't he want to hide himself? Carrying tons of cubes to the best visible place in town, as a spider like huge 5000kg alien might be 'a bit' risky hiding-wise, even at night, above all, the army is chasing you non stop! A.: Yep! Maybe it's so crazy that nobody is expecting it, you know, and that's the alien guy tactics? I dunno!!
One of the Goonies discovers the covert of the alien guy, climbs down in the caves and tells the alien guy to check himself finally to take his ship and go.
Q.: WTF? Why did HE find the covert, why did he climb down?, His ship, what...? A.: 1. He's a Goonie, 2. His girlfriend Pauline was kidnapped by Donkey Kong before, so he tries to rescue her. 3. Even without an universal translator but some telepathy, the motivational words of the kid solved the whole movie. And well, yeah there'r some drama 'serious' plot things going on, the father of the girl is an addicted choleric, the boys mother had died, so these kids are kind of 'aliens' in their world too, other fat boys sister is a slut, bla, bla, all together a 'typical' social scenario of the average Spielberg Americans, we all can identify with (?). BTW, lens flare fanatics will be also very happy again.
Q.: What do Abrams and Spielberg have in common? A.: Spielberg nuked the fridge, Abrams wrecked the train! The both jumped the shark long time ago!