Super 8, or "The Epic Abrams/Spielberg Masterpiece of Beautiful Cinematography and Not Much Else" (also known as Goonies 2: Extra-Terrestrial Boogaloo!)

Rating: 1/10 (21 November 2011)

I have never been so disappointed in my entire life. I was stoked, Even staying up until 10 PM on opening night just to catch the last showing of it after the Cappies Gala here in my city. And what a waste of $12.75. there's a limit on how many words this review can be, and the things wrong with it are too much to fit into a small, confined space. So I'll try something different. I saw someone use this format on their review of Transformers 3, and felt like this would be the appropriate format, because there's so much wrong with this pile of horseshit I don't even know where to begin.
So let's start at 10/10, shall we? I mean someone here has to provide a bit of balance with all the people who are so easily pleased.
10/10
You know, I admire Abrams for going for broke and using mostly unknowns, with the inly big actor being Kyle Chandler. But these actors were so bland and boring it's beyond belief. The main kid actor says all his lines as if he was in a hypnotic trance of some sort. How Abrams let these slip past him I don't know. The fat kid replaces good acting with LOUD YELLING AND SWEARING, with the occasional whispered confused jargon. Kyle Chandler was the one good actor in this tripe... and even he wasn't that good, but I didn't expect this boring mishmash to have made him care. And Elle Fanning was cute, but being cute just isn't enough.
9/10
You know, an homage to Speilerg may sound like a great idea on paper. In fact, I'm a fan of his early films. But doesn't mean it would be good on film, nor does it mean you have to blatantly steal from Spielberg. Watching this film was like a Spielberg greatest hits reel- every shot is from a Spelberg movie. And not in a good way. The two biggest tippers in the movie are Goonies and Close Encounters. Every one of the kids is like one of the Goonies. And the events are essentially Close Encounters. Truth be told, nobody should let homage fraís keep them from making their own movie.
8/10
The monster's design is terrible. It's essentially like some giant spider-turtle-lion. We rarely get good views of the monster at all, and when we do, it is enough to drag the film down. Seriously, the design made me laugh several times. It's freaking awful.
7/10
Logic. Look, I know this is a movie, and I can suspend my disbelief to great lengths, but come the frak on!!! First why would a train just carry plenty of weird magnetic cubes? Where is the government in all of this, and would they know what it's for? Why do the military act completely dumbfounded when they see the cubes? How can someone survive A DIRECT IMPACT OF A TRAIN HITTING THEM?!!!!!! How does the dad just easily escape a military base that was heavily secured? How was the monster rampant and the stoner dude didn't get captured?
6/10
Wow, the logic failures are so bad they require another point. Actually, I'm about to get into a huge rant here: HOW THE HELL DID THE MONSTER CREATE A PORTAL THROUGH THE FRAKKING GARAGE WITHOUT DESTROYING IT?! And how do people survive being captured in the monster's material?! This is as stupid as Cowboys and aliens!
5/10
Again, it seems like Abrams can't go without shining obnoxiously bright lights in our face every 5 seconds. It worked for Star Trek and here's why: it gave the movie a documentary feel. The hand-held camera and lens flares made it seem like we were watching a documentary about a group of ambitious scientists on the enterprise, and I loved it. The problem is here: this is a freaking homage movie, and is just annoying. Considering he apologized for the ST lens flares.
4/10
The score by Giacchino. I love him but he just recycled cues from Star Trek and Mission Impossible 3. And not that the music was particularly bad but I expected so much more from a man who is extremely skilled and musically articulate. Here he just recycles cues from previous scores.
3/10
Let's not forget the ever so brilliant scene at the end where the protagonist is being held by the monster and sweet talks it into Not destroying the city. Somehow it understands English and follows his instructions. So it causes a bunch of metal objects (including a bike) to fly to the water tower, which turns into a spaceship (face palm city) and takes off. Wow, there's so much wrong with this ending I don't even know what to say. How did people not face palm at this? It was as stupid as the scene in the Dark Knight where the Cell Phone technology was introduced.
2/10
Wow, this will take two entire points off! Holy crap, what horrible writing. Almost every line is the dialogue saying the plot out loud. Laaaame...
But what do I know. The special effects were great, so I give it 2/10.