Suicide Squad: an appropriate name for something so suicide-inducing...

Rating: Null/10 (13 September 2016)

Here we go again. You thought Batman vs Superman was pretty bad (and if you don't then please reconsider) but this is... this is... something else. I hope this isn't the start of a trend with the new DC universe; making movies that polarise audiences into those who love and those who hate, especially seeing as I always seem to be falling on the "hate" side of every argument.
This movie is really quite sad. Such a waste of such great potential (BvS much?). There's a good movie in here somewhere, but it's a prime example of studio interference getting in the way of vision and direction. For those who aren't aware already, just months prior to its release Suicide Squad underwent inordinate amounts of reordering and re-shooting. Why? Because the studio saw the success of films like Deadpool and disappointments like BvS earlier in the year and decided that Suicide Squad needed to be "funnier" and "quirkier". Was it made funnier? Well it's not funny anyway, so no. Is it quirkier? Well I'll probably never know how quirky it was originally, so how the f*ck would I know?! Writer and director David Ayer must feel pretty cheated. I really don't think this is the result he had envisioned. Please don't pin the blame on him. At least not all of it. I mean, he still let this monstrosity happen.
I'll say one thing in defense of the people at Warner Brothers responsible for Suicide Squad: fantastic work at marketing this schlock. The trailers actually looked rather promising and people really were excited to see the strange and relatively unknown characters come alive on the big screen. Apart from Harley Quinn (who I only knew by name and nothing else at the time) I'd never heard of any of the Squad's members prior to the movie's announcement, but teasers and trailers piqued my interest effectively enough to want to learn more. However it was curiosity that killed the cat. In this case, the cat saw Suicide Squad, hated it, took its title a little too literally and shot itself. Lucky cat.
It's difficult to get across just what it is about some of the scenes in this film that is just so insulting and displeasing to watch. But I think fellow IMDb reviewers and I can generally agree that a lot of this movie is BORING. I don't mean boring in the sense that nothing is going on, because things are definitely happening, but the "things" that are happening are so unstimulating and stilted it's impossible to find anything engaging. Well shot action gives off an impression the viewer is physically involved and every punch, every bone-break, every landed bullet has an impact (literally and figuratively). Most of the action pieces feel like you're viewing them through a telescope; there's no real sense of presence half the time and it makes the action feel like there's no payoff at the end. I'm not saying I could do better, but the people making these shots SHOULD do better. They're the one's getting paid extortionate amounts to do this job. You wouldn't give a glazier a million dollars to smash all your windows.
On the subject of action sequences, the finale to this sh*tty movie is honest to Christ one of the most laughable, most poorly executed scenes I've ever seen. That's not a hyperbole, I seriously mean that. I really don't think I've ever seen slow motion used so shoddily in a movie; it made me audibly cry out in pain over how agonisingly out of place it was. Also it made me realise that the ending was not coming as fast as it ought to. SPOILER ALERT: they win, surprise surprise. SPOILER ALERT: no one cares.
But badly shot action is not the only chunk of semi-digested sweetcorn in this clogged cesspit. Pacing was all off. Oh this movie definitely has pacing. It's nothing f*cking but. It's a chore to keep up with the cacophonous cascade of plot points, exposition, and character introductions (many of which were pretty damn pointless, especially Slipknot's; he dies immediately). I'd quite like to watch this film again, but only to time how many scenes actually last longer than three minutes. Seriously, if you have ADD, I strongly recommend you go see Suicide Squad.
There are many other points I could make to condemn this movie's production, but there are myriad arguments and I'm tired.
Let's face it, nearly all of those who liked this farcical crap have got what I like to call "BvS-syndrome", where they wished so hard to enjoy Suicide Squad that they began to believe their own delusion and actually managed to do it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to discourage anybody from enjoying this film. That's what its intended purpose was and if you're able to do that, good on you. But, for f*ck's sake, do not go out of your way to try and convince the quote- unquote "haters" that they're wrong to dislike it, or that they didn't get it, or that they're just being cynical for the sake of it. Why would I, a supposed "hater", deliberately go out of my own way to dislike something just to... what... make a statement?! No one gives a f*ck what I think (he says whilst writing a forty-nine line long review on IMDb). I wanted to like Suicide Squad. I really did. But wanting to like something should not be my soul reason for liking it. A good reason to admire something is... you know... that something actually earning my admiration. Yeah?
Also, f*ck Zack Snyder...