A certificate 12 sex show

Rating: Null/10 (26 April 2014)

I'd like to say Sucker Punch is an ambivalent film that functions on a multitude of levels, that is meaningful or metaphorical, that raises some of the great tragedies of life; love and loss, betrayal, faith... But that would be horse dung, because all things considered, it really isn't about any of those things. It's about some beautiful feisty chicks with guns and swords - which is fine, damn fine in fact, it's just not all that interesting...
Sucker Punch kicks off with a ten minute montage for expositional purposes (kind of like The Fellowship of the Ring except minus the narration, filmed entirely in slow motion and much less tasteful). Since the plot is actually Super Mario simple, I'll summarise
In an unlikely, pistol-wielding struggle versus the abuse of her evil stepfather, a girl unintentionally kills her sister and winds up in an asylum, declared "mentally insane" and set for lobotomy. She retreats in to an alternate reality where in a truly epic flight of fantasy she imagines herself as a showgirl, Baby Doll, who believes the road to freedom requires four things: a map, fire, a knife and a key. Actually there is also a fifth, "mystery" thing, but to reveal that would be a spoiler. If things are already sounding a little bizarre, get this: Baby Doll gets these items by enticing their rightful owners in to a trance with her hypnotic dancing (which you never actually get to see - Emily Browning is obviously no Nat Portman!) whilst her fellow showgirls steal them. Oddly enough, although the plot is ludicrous, in a serious psycho-drama (directed by Aronofsky for instance) it could easily have worked. However, in this context with Snyder at the helm, the whole premise is just a platform to show off fit girls kicking ass in glorious CG fantasy landscapes. And why not?
Well, I'll tell you why. Because once the initial arousal has worn off, and yes, it is basically a certificate 12 sex show, the film struggles to combat the biggest nemesis of all: boredom. It is cool seeing a pigtailed teenager dual-wielding a samurai sword and a handgun and nailing dragons and undead-clockwork-Nazis, but for how long? After the first few objects have been acquired and their respective battles have been fought, the formula already seems old. Girl fights freaks, girl retrieves special item (insert gamer achievement here), girl returns to alternate reality to dance some more, rinse and repeat (as the saying goes) It's a series of events as inevitable as Scott Pilgrim's tiresome battles against the seven evil exes, except Wright's was a film packed full of comedy and with it's tongue firmly in it's cheek. God only knows where Snyder's tongue is as he drools over these nymphettes.
The visuals are generally spectacular (although with so much CGI there is ineluctably going to be some slip ups) and the combat choreography is balletic, not to mention hugely sexual. Sexual combat might seem like an oxymoron, especially if S&M isn't your bag and you've never watched the swimming pool fight/ sex scene in Goldeneye, but Emily Browning is happy to set you straight (no pun intended). Whilst Zack Snyder might claim that the film tackles the risky topic of female empowerment - arming them to the teeth seems to take that a tad literally - the casual observer won't see beyond the pouts and the mini-skirts, and honestly, they probably wouldn't find anything of substance even if they did.
But hang about. We can't judge Sucker Punch like we'd judge the average movie. There is a time and a place for mindless, sexualised violence, and if you dig that vibe ie. you are male and between the ages of 14 and 17 (or 65+) then good for you - this is a film which will most likely float your boat.
In all fairness, the cast is pretty strong. The acting is more than adequate, the right mix of saucy and fragile (that's a fine line if ever there was one!) and there are a few familiar faces. The main foursome of showgirls were evidently not chosen for their acting prowess but that's not to say they do a bad job, you might just be more used to their acting style from teen slashers and the like. Oscar Isaac is devilishly wicked as the prime villain of the piece, Blue Jones; Jon Hamm plays the usual straight ahead chap in what is either a cameo or the smallest role he's been cast since his career boomed with Mad Men, and Carla Gugino (who is on a bit of a roll recently - Californication, Faster) is cringeworthy but apt as psychiatrist/ brothel director Vera Gorski. Oh, and one other thing...Scott Glenn will elicit a few laughs as the Wise Man who offers words of caution and advice to Baby Doll (and whose existence is totally inexplicable).
A few people have been raving about the soundtrack, and by people I mean forum-lubbers and critics alike, but they're all overzealous in their plaudits. Sure, the heavy rock kicks the action sequences up a notch, but it's nothing new or original, and in fact, the soundtrack cover of The Pixies classic 'Where Is My Mind?' is an insult to the original tune and the spirit in which it was written, not to mention being a massive, obvious cliché for a film set in an asylum.
I wasn't under any illusions that Sucker Punch would hold any depth, but I was hoping that it would at least be mindnumbing and thrilling entertainment. I concede that it was mindnumbing