just terrible

Rating: 2/10 (11 August 2007)

so like i dragged 5 friends out to see this movie opening night based off of internet buzz and name (Neil Gaiman/Matthew Vaughn), i go to one movie all summer, what was i thinking. i mean, i paid for this crap, yet saw the Simpsons movie for free! i feel so bad, this flick sucked! we all knew little of the movie other than the terrible print ads that made the film look like an upcoming fall TV show, but based on the promise that this was based off of a Neil Gaiman graphic novel and directed by the guy who did Layer Cake, and reviews that touted it as a spirited romantic comedy fantasy similar to the Princess Bride, we were all unduly interested.
out and out this movie Stardust sucked. while it started off promisingly with an unpredictable plot trajectory, by the time Claire Danes appears, everything starts to go down hill. first off, her acting is mediocre, (i was like Angela!), as does most of the acting in the film, and there was no chemistry between her or Charlie Cox who plays the hero Tristan or whatever, who at no point has the gravitas to come across as at all heroic, not even by the end battle scene. while the dialogue is not particularly bad, every scene is directed in a style where it's like the director and cast are all in on the joke and they're all winking at the audience. now while some people in the audience i was with ate the jokes up like pigs at the slop, by the time Robert Dinero appeared as the closeted gay pirate, the whole film just lost it completely. every gay stereotype comes out in dinero's hammy performance, and here's the joke! they got tough guy Dinero to act like a queen and ham it up and put on women's clothing, oh how clever, aha ha ha! by this point the film was just stupid and insulting, and downright homophobic in it's regurgitation of queer stereotypes. what was Robin Williams not available?
anyways, by the time the whole thing comes stumbling to a conclusion, everything is so corny, hokey, and cheeseball, i was left wondering, where was the actual adventure? or the action? all i remember was some walking around and fuzzy overdone cgi. and choppy editing. there was nothing memorable or special like say, the princess bride, which this was striving so hard to be. this ain't even Legend. this ain't even Krull. leaving the film, i could see how this story could have worked as a graphic novel, and i could see how it could have possibly worked as a film adaptation had the filmmakers and director Vaughn spent more time playing straight and telling the story and directing his actors, and less time winking at the audience and assuming that it's still fashionable to be all postmodern and break the 4th wall in every scene.
finally, i must say, Charlie Cox is no leading man, contrary to some predictions, he will not become a big star. the kid can't act, and the hairy chest is a deal breaker.