Awful

Rating: 1/10 (1 January 2008)

Wow. Where do I begin? From start to finish, the storyline moved way too fast and didn't make much sense. I mean, seriously- dude goes through hole in wall, bangs hot chick on the other side, has a baby delivery nine months later, and doesn't even freak? Not even just a bit? No crossing back over to the moms like "WTF is this?" Then we get this droop Tristan kid, who lets Victoria walk all over him, I mean, dude's a complete doormat. I'm supposed to believe a week on a ship with a cross-dressing, fan-waving Bobby DeNiro turns this guy into a hero? Yes, they have Robert "Vito Corleone/The Taxi Driver" DeNiro skipping around in a dress singing showtunes. About the only definable story line and shining role was Michelle Pfieffer's witch. The rest of it was a jumbled mess. Both DeNiro and Pfieffer should be ashamed of this. Academy Awards need to be returned. Claire Danes was hot, as always, but seriously. If she could just "shine" and blow up the witches, why not get on that a bit sooner, hmm? Tristan's moms didn't age a bit from getting banged by his pops to him being a grown man. And how come she didn't pack up the old hag she was attached to and haul a$$ like that earlier, since, you know, she could have done that whenever and stepped through the wall where her little chain wouldn't exist. Way to go. Tristan never even had to fight anybody. He let some animals loose, and they just ate a witch, and left. Skinny, hungry animals (i.e. wolves) just left without going for fresh meat right there. The witch produces a voodoo doll from nowhere when Tristan's uncle shows up to fight over the star? And "drowns" him without a fight? See, now I'm getting just as random as this crazy film. One has to wonder if, in the editing room, they realized it was crap and started throwing in extra effects to fool decent people into thinking this was more than garbage that should have gone straight to DVD. Not to mention this had to be screened and approved by someone who actually thought it was a good idea (or they were hoping Pfieffer's theatrical return with Bobby DeNiro's name might carry it). And they wonder why ticket sales are down most of the year. I like movies like Princess Bride, the Dark Crystal, Labyrinth, going on to Star Wars, etc. But this film was ridiculous. I had to ask Blockbuster if they refunded time, because this was one of the biggest wastes of it I have ever had the displeasure of having to endure. It quite literally gave me a headache. Skip it if you expect coherent story lines or a classic. Even my Harry Potter loving fiancé was horrified at DeNiro in a dress and how ridiculously convenient everything turned out to be for our hero to "win" without ever fighting. And one last thing: how in God's name did Humphrey and Victoria end up in Magicland for the crowning ceremony? I mean, come on. No wonder people in other countries think Americans are dumb. Dreck like this with an 8.1? It belongs down with Cool as Ice and Who's Your Caddy. It's that bad.