Overrated, silly pile of smug Rian Putrecence

Rating: 2/10 (13 April 2020)

Supposedly there exist somewhere in the world people who actually think the Last Jedi is a great movie. I overheard one on the bus once, but other than that the Last Jedi defenders seemed restricted to Internet reviews and comment sections. Maybe they're afraid to make their closet Rian Johnson love public. Maybe they don't care about the other Star Wars movies. (The guy on the bus didn't). Who knows. The truth of the matter is, the Last Jedi is not even a remotely good movie by any standard I can think of, and all the critical praise it garnered is pretty baffling.
A few of the many reasons this is true:
1. The whole film: it suffers from the exact same sequel disease that has dogged all kinds of franchises from the Matrix to Pirates of the Caribbean: it's overlong, overstuffed, crammed full of characters we couldn't care less about at the expense of the old ones, and ending in a cliffhanger heralding an even more bloated installment. Only the cliffhanger for this movie is so weak it barely even qualifies.
2. The narrative: There isn't one here. Everything that happens seems recursive; looping in on itself, and nihilistic; adding up to nothing. The terrible Force Awakens saw fit to drag Han Solo's character arc right back to where it was in the start, now the Last Jedi decides to do the same thing to Luke, effectively nullifying his entire character. Even the Last Jedi defenders online can't defend the Canto Bight scenes. The 'chase them until they run out of gas' plot element is silly because the Resistance would have had a better chance going into hyperspace to begin with, tracked or not. (With this kind of leadership, no wonder they're losing the war). Are the characters really in a different place at the end than they were at the beginning? Not really.
3. The Themes: This is what the critics all went agog over, which I guess shows a lot about their collective psyche. If they really want Star Wars to go in such an 'exciting new direction', why did they lavish so much praise on the regressive Force Awakens? Why did they join together to lambast the prequels, which did more for the Star Wars mythos than all this Disney stuff combined? (It's worth mentioning that Roger Ebert, arguably the most famous critic of all time, gave the Phantom Menace 4 out of 4 stars). The whole 'Rashomon' element was forced and squeezed in for pretentiousness' sake, with Rian Johnson basically dissing the entire concept of good versus evil for no discernible reason. That fundamentally distorts the mythological foundations George Lucas laid down for his fantasy world and feels cynical and out of place, even for a franchise that includes Revenge of the Sith. (Speaking of that movie, Rian's point of view is creepily echoed by Palpatine in the scene where Anakin discovers he's a Sith Lord. "To gain a true understanding...one must study all aspects of the Force, including the Dark Side..."). I don't have a problem with the 'anyone can be the best Jedi!' idea, but it's too late and this contradicts all the movies that came before it. If Rian wanted to do something like that he should have invented his own fictional universe.
4. The Plot Twists: Rian strikes back, only his plot twists don't matter because there is no plot. Who cares that Snoke dies? We don't even know who he is or what he does; after he's dead nothing's really different; I guess the First Order can function well enough without him. So what if Rey is a nobody? She's still the most omnipotent character in the movie. But Rian revels in this supposed cleverness, and on and on it goes....where it end nobody knows. Or cares.
5. "TOXIC TROLLS!!!!": I guess anyone who doesn't like the movie is being automatically relegated to the status of "toxic, bigoted, white, sexist, male who can't stand seeing girls taking over!". When that's your main argument in defense of this movie, all I'm going to say is that you'd better find another one if you want to convince anybody.
I could go on, but I have better things to do now. The effects were the plus here, but just effects can't make a good movie, or else Avengers Endgame would have won all the Oscars. Adam Driver was the best actor here, and Mark Hamill wasn't bad, but overall the acting was subpar. Not that that isn't normal for a Star Wars movie but it's about time people stopped beating up the prequels for it. If Rey was required to have romantic dialogue written by Rian and JJ Abrams, trust me, it could be just as bad as Attack of the Clones.
Star Wars movies need to end now. You want a daring new franchise with strong females, etc? Make up your own. I dare you. Right now you're just piggybacking on one of the most successful white males ever: George Lucas.