Shockingly, Staggeringly, Offensively Bad

Rating: 3/10 (16 December 2017)

Other spoilery reviews have covered the details of the bizarre and contrived plot so let me add in that the pacing is so bizarre that the entire first half and last half hour feel oppressively heavy, scenes cut between each other right when things get interesting, characters react entirely arbitrarily, and, most importantly, only one character has something vaguely resembling an arc! What's the fun in watching people who always interact the exact same way for a movie that feels so tediously long?
The story also slams shut so many doors that the universe contracts like a collapsing star. Not only is it unfun and kind of insulting, I'm not sure how there are enough plot threads left for a full Episode IX. Everything's been answered here, and in such a way that it'll never be revisited - after having had no impact.
The tone is also a bizarre mishmosh of Marvel snark that makes the tone indistinguishable from any other meta schlock from the past decade. The movie prides itself on "deconstructing tropes" but does so just by implementing different tropes, ones of "oh my tech doesn't work, this is awkward,"
"I came up looking heroic and have a moneyshot and then immediately fell over," "literally everything you just said is wrong," or
" 'You don't want to hear X.' "Yes I do.' 'X.' 'You're right, I didn't.' " instead of, you know, character development.
There's a Yo Mama joke in the first ten minutes, for crying out loud, and a scene so experimentally bizarre that words could not hope to describe it coming just a few more minutes later.
It was *so* not worth undoing the original trilogy and setting up mysteries in Episode VII to get here.
3/10 because Adam and Mark turned in great performances with Daisy giving a pretty good one as well as some really good individual scenes. A lot of real craftsmanship went in making the movie, and it is just sad that it was put together into...this.
(Yes, I did feel so butthurt about this movie that I created a brand new account for the sole purpose of writing this. Say what you will, but I'll defend every word I wrote.)