Cannot connect with these new characters.

Rating: 4/10 (24 December 2017)

OK. Here is my summary of STAR WARS - A BAD JEDI movie
The movie starts out with an Sprint to T mobile call, which as we all know, has really bad communications.
However, this is just a ruse because we all know that the Empire uses Death Star telecom (known as ATT) which is used throughout the galaxy.
BUT WAIT!
We discover later in the movie there is another telecom company known as THE FORCE communications. (aka Verizon) this is what Rey and Kylo use to talk (can you hear me now. Yep galaxies and galaxies away. Kylo and Rye used THE FORCE FACETIME APP on the Metaclorian WIFI from Verizon.
This is the only thing that binds the two stories together.
1st Story:
This is the story of OJ Simpson being pursued by LAPD for 6 hours at 35mph down a highway. But it is IN SPACE.
The 2nd part of the movie is a CRAP attempt to recreate the Dagobah training that Yoda did for Luke
but instead of a SWAMP it was Paradise Island. Yah Luke isn't stupid.
However, Rey learned NOTHING except how to sleep on a rock outside his door for 30% of the movie
Chewie did a Cameo and ate chicken. With the 13 herbs and spices and Chewie wasn't sharing.
Then there is the "cave" scene, which was a Harry Potter rip from the chamber of secrets. Looking into the mirror of desire wanting to know his parents but in Reys case. NOT! Rejected!
But she can span her fingers. like cool 60s beatnik teen. Yeah daddy-O
The story was to draw Luke out and he never did. He didn't even have his FORCE (he suppressed it) because he knew better. That old Jedi wisdom I guess.
So, after 2 hours of "hot pursuit" Dukes of Hazzard line without Daisy.
The Rebels end up getting caught (blown up). Hell, that Vice Admiral purple haired twit watched them for a good LONG SEC and then decided well I guess the herd is thinned out enough. Hmm, let me try this... Atomic batteries to power turbines to speed. LIGHT speed slash and crash.
Not much in the way of things Disney typical adds of chars for selling purposes so I am okay with that.
The FX were AWESOME and that helped detract from the story.
Oh, wait WHAT STORY? WHAT PLOT? WHAT ANYHING?
Sadly, I could not connect with any of the characters like I did with Eps 4-6. Even Luke was to distant. I think the whole point of these new movies is to kill the old for the new. But the new what?
Last, I would recommend it to everyone just because I am bias and I love STAR WARS even if it was CRAP.
The critics must have gotten paid by Disney to give it a 93% vs Fans 56% on rotten tomatoes .
You might be saying to yourself, "if it was so bad why did it make so much money?" Simple, people needed a fix for Star Wars and die-hard fans will watch garbage no matter what. Heck I did.
This is written with love from my brother.