Star Wars: The Last Jedi - A Steaming Pile of Bantha Poodoo

Rating: 1/10 (15 December 2017)

I can't believe how profoundly disappointed I was in this film. After allowing it to ruminate for a little while, I've decided to write this review from two aspects: One as a film in general, the other as an eternal Star Wars fan.
As a movie, this was an incredible failure on a scale far greater than other installments (Attack of the Clones is remembered fondly after seeing this). I can't blame the actors and actresses, and in fact, I am quite a fan of them. They are probably the only good part of this project. It would be like blaming a messenger for what they delivered. What Rian Johnson and Kathleen Kennedy created is in no way quality cinema. Characters were so poorly developed that both their names and roles are hard to remember: While I love Laura Dern, I'm not entirely sure what her characters purpose was, aside from slightly snide remarks to our hero, Poe; Rose (?) I think was the name of Kelly Tran's character, a poorly written, yet major portion of the storyline, she has some form of slave background and emotional ties to a sister we know nothing about, as well as holding an amulet made of something that does nothing other than conduct electricity; Supreme leader Snoke is never explored, explained, or in any way built upon from the previous film, and is ended in such a hilariously anti-climactic way I actually laughed out loud; Benicio del Toro plays a strange mix of his character from Snatch and the Collector from the Marvel Universe, and does literally nothing of value. Rey, Finn, and Poe get no profound treatments, with Rey receiving incredibly lame news about her genealogy. The killed Luke, who is now a big cry baby rather than former saviour of the galaxy, and let Leia live? Leia also becomes Mary Poppins in one of the saddest scenes ever made for Star Wars; yes, far worse than Darth Vader's 'Nooooo' from episode 3. Several scenes were clonal remakes of the old trilogy, in rapid summative succession they are: Reys meeting of Snoke, mirroring Luke and Palpatine; At-At type walkers on a desolate white surfaced planet, attacking a large wall, just as in Empire, except they make the distinction that it is salt and not snow (Ha); Luke and Rey running around an isolated planet just like Yoda and Luke, including an underwater X-wing (Thankfully, they don't go as far as raising it); A remake of Mos Eisley spaceport (again)(including a plain English rehash of Sir Alec Guinness's famous scum and villainy line, said by Rose). The list goes on. Annoying, constant comic relief in the form of awful CGI creatures (Porgs?) made me want to return to the time of the Gungans. The tragic pace of the movie formed by droning dialogue and superfluous landscape shots makes you aware of the full 152-minute run time of the film. You're left with the realization that the movie progressed nothing at all, and it literally ends the exact same way it began: Rebels running from Imperials.
As a fan, a person who has expended much capital on Star Wars merchandise, and a lover of sci-fi, this is a horrid abomination for the once fantastic Star Wars universe. Once a rock-solid bastion of great storytelling (except the prequels), richly developed locations and characters, and a seemingly never-ending depth of possibility, the Star Wars universe is now a gross, warped Disney monstrosity. The movie played out like a childish episode of Star Wars Rebels. A single x-wing destroying all external cannons on a dreadnought, a single bomber destroying said dreadnought, four rebel ships fleeing without the other first order ships firing a shot, and the continued puttering, foolish tact and strategy employed by the First Order, makes you disbelieve that this faction could ever control the galaxy much less develop super weapons. Why is the First Order fleet slowly chasing down a cruiser, firing pot shots and picking off transports one ship at a time? Why wouldn't a few of these ships simply jump in front of the rebels and cut them off? Why is fuel suddenly a concern? Why wouldn't the rebels jump their smaller ships into the First order fleet instead of letting them get run down and destroyed? Why are villains still terribly monologuing?! Snoke is super powerful but can't sense (Or notice) a lightsaber rotating directly beside his hand? I can type for days but It just makes me more and more confused, saddened and disappointed.
Anyways, save your money, it'll be on Netflix by May the Fourth. I couldn't possibly cover all the issues here and I'm already rambling too much. So, that is my review, this movie is essentially the Battlefront 2 of Star Wars movies. Until Disney can make a good film, I would suggest not paying for more Star Wars shlock.