I Should Have Listened to Luke

Rating: 4/10 (15 December 2017)

aA long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, the powers that be decided it would make for good times to frankenstein a bunch of ambiguous scenes and mix in audiences' pre-existing emotional attachments for the sole purpose of generating Game of Thrones-like mystery to a universe that no longer needs any introduction. Fair enough. Everything about the Last Jedi trailer was open for interpretation and, naturally, fan theories went wild. I suppose the natural outcome of this could only have been disappointment but boy was I not ready. I should have listened to Luke when he foreshadowed: 'this is not going to go the way that you think.'
To say that this is the best Star Wars movie since Empire is a gross injustice to everything one holds dear as a fan. This movie is such a mish-mash of the unnecessary that it makes The Force Awakens (which I rather enjoyed) look like Citizen Goddamn Kane. As such, my review will be equally haphazard. Do I start by pointing out the badabing-badaboom comedic relief every thirty seconds or with Rey's suddenly cardboard-like demeanor? She had about as much enthusiasm and appreciation for her situation as I did at that point. Phasma: unnecessary, Benicio del Toro's weird stuttering bastardized version of Lando: unnecessary, Supreme Leader Snoke, as it turns out, unnecessary. Haven't we learned anything about slicing and dicing the dark side from episodes 1-3? Why not flesh out Snoke's character instead of using him as some sort of demonic matchmaker and then tossing him aside a la Darth Maul? Why toy with people by sort of killing Leia then hastily backtrackking? Did we really need that after what they did to Han? Same goes for Laura Dern's character. Is she good, is she bad, do I even care anymore? The answer is a resounding NO. Nice hair, though.
The only new characters (per se) who, as far as I can tell, acted their asses off were Kylo Ren and Poe. Yes, I said Kylo Ren. Say what you will about his character but Adam Driver is busting ass to bring us a worthy portrayal of the inner conflict that was once at the core of the entire saga. The only criticism I have for him is solely based on the writing. At this point it seems as though Ren only has beef with the men in his life but maintains a soft spot when it comes to the ladies. That's all well and nice but this franchise has forever struggled with its depiction of evil and the problem shows no sign of yielding. His uncle tried to kill him and he's embittered. So far so good. But we get roughly one paragraph regarding the issue and what we're left with is a man who is still so angry about the experience, over a decade down the line, that he's practically frothing at the mouth and refuses to see any reason. That aside, it seems everyone has utterly given up on redemption. Ren isn't a teenager anymore and demonstrates on several occasions that he can discern right from wrong so his unbridled rage seems so over the top that by the end of it you're left thinking: you know what, just take a time out. Now who does that remind us of? Shoutout to grandpa!
Ren's bonding with Rey was playing out so well and they did a fine job of dangling moments of sexual tension in front of us, only to have that derailed at the end with a little moment shared by Poe and Rey. Really? Off-putting love triangle? You got us again!
Creature overload, character overload, obviously Finn finds a girlfriend more his speed since we couldn't possibly have the races mixing by putting Finn and Rey together (gasp!) because apparently no one's ready for that(?) Yoda puts in a nice little appearance as he and Luke bond over some more symbolism. A young slave boy earns a rebellion ring, assuring us that the Star Wars franchise will never end...My head hurts. In short, this movie was a mess and just makes me think that once episode 9 comes out, people will come to see 8 as a forgettable filler that poked and prodded at all our sore spots and left much to be desired. Luke, I miss you already. I should have listened.