An insult to the Star Wars saga

Rating: 1/10 (11 April 2018)

Any kind of expectation I could have had for this movie was just destroyed. I'm sitting here two days after watching it, and still can't find the right words to describe it. Here is, divided in paragraphs relevant to different parts of the movie, what I think about it.
(Jump to end for no spoilers)
First of all: Poe piloting a starfighter and single handedly destroying General Hux's dreadnought one cannon at a time? Well that's impressive! Let's just overlook at the fact that one single X-Wing can make a battleship the size of a city useless in under two minutes... the Resistance wants to drop bombs on the dreadnought to destroy it. What the hell? Bombs? Good old falling bombs straight out of WW2? Why? How do they even fall in the middle of the space? Don't you have like a thousand different, more sophisticated and more effective weapons to use? Perfectly legitimate questions, but we don't even have time to think about them, because there's something even more stupid: while the Resistance's bombers are standing still doing nothing and getting obliterated by the enemy battleships for no good reason, Poe orders one of them to drop their load, but the only girl still alive on the ship must reach the remote to release the bombs. All of this happens while the door on the bottom of the ship is open and she has no pressurized space suit, no helmet nor any source of breathable air at her disposal... uh? What? I guess the laws of physics don't apply to you when you're fighting for the Resistance... she manages to get the remote and release the bombs anyway.
Poe gets demoted by Leia for... I don't know? Single handedly destroying a dreadnought? Why not just say "good job" instead? It makes a good point that Poe's move attracted the First Order's eyes on them, but they were right in front of them anyway... I don't really think they would have been able to escape without getting noticed, might as well take the chance and destroy one of their biggest battle ships.
The First Order is able to track them through the hyperspace (no explanation which makes any sort of sense is given to how they did). They attack, and the command bridge of the Resistance ship is destroyed. Leia is shot straight into the void. You may think she is dead, but no, she pulls herself back to the ship using the force... WAIT, WHAT? She can do that? Wha the?? We also get the confirmation about the fact that laws of physics apparently don't apply to you if you are fighting for the Resistance. Leia manages to open the door of the ship as everyone is approaching to help her, and again, apparently opening a pressurized chamber in the middle of the space doesn't shoot everyone and everything outside at one thousand miles per hour like it should: instead, she just hops in and faints.
Let's cut to Rey: she just arrived to the planet where Luke had been hidden for so long: she hands him his light saber just to see him throw it on the ground. We now learn that Luke has completely lost the interest in fighting for the resistance and just wants to die in peace and bring the Jedi order to the grave with him. WHY? I may understand Luke being old, sick, tired and so on, but the only hope alive for the universe is in trouble, not to mention that Leia is also risking her life too, why wouldn't Luke even stir for a moment? This makes no sense. B-B-BUT, after seeing an holographic recording of the young Leia projected by R2-D2 (as if he didn't already know she was in danger) Luke decides to help and teach Rey how to use the force. He took years to learn it himself... that must be hard, time consuming and challenging, right? Well, nevermind, Rey is so damn cool that it just takes her five minutes of screen time where we see her daydreaming while Luke whispers useless stuff in her ears.
Now let me just take a full paragraph for this: what the hell are the porgs supposed to mean in the entire movie? I never saw a more blatant and shameless product placement in a movie, because that's what it is. Don't even try to tell me otherwise, it is damn clear that Disney put these sweet cute useless little screaming puppets in the movie only to sell merchandise. They serve no purpose at all but this one, and this is just sad. It's when you see things like this that you start wondering how the hell can anyone get away with it.
Finn figures out he needs to escape the ship through an escape pod for whatever reason, but Rose, a mechanic who also happens to be Finn's biggest fan, tries to stop him from escaping. Finn explains the whole situation, and they suddenly realize what they have to do, so he takes her with him to the most stupid and pointless journey ever. They contact Maz Kanata to ask for help, who is able to video chat in the middle of a damn laser gun fight, and she tells them they need to find this hacker guy, the "Master Codebreaker", who is able to penetrate the First Order's ship. They arrive to this unnecessarily fancy planet and park their ship in the middle of the damn beach for everyone to see. Needless to say they get spotted instantly, get captured and jailed. WOW.
Back to the Resistance ship, where Holdo, who is now in charge, decides is a good plan to evacuate the ship and take shelter inside a stronghold on a nearby planet, where there's an old Resistance base. Oh, did I mention that the First Order was sitting behind their ass the entire time shooting at their energy shield and just waiting for them to come out so they could obliterate them with one thousand laser shots? I almost forgot about that little detail... why in heaven would you think escaping the ship is a good idea? Jesus... The First Order indeed opens fire on the escape pods as soon as they get their ass in sight (who would have thought about it, huh).
Meanwhile Finn, the asian girl and the cool hacker guy manage to infiltrate in the ship in a way which doesn't make any sense whatsoever and get spotted and captured (AGAIN) in a matter of minutes, accomplishing nothing. Holdo, who stayed on the now abandoned Resistance ship for no reason at all while everyone else escaped, finally uses her brain to make a good decision: turn the ship to the First Order's battleship and jump at hyperspace speed to (literally) cut the enemy's ship in half, also killing everyone inside, except obviously Finn, BB8 and Rose. I'm really starting to get sick at this whole heroes-cant-die trash.
Kylo kills Snoke in the most stupid way anyone could ever think. WELL, ALL RIGHT THEN, turns out Snoke was just a piece of worthless computer graphic with no backstory or significant purpose whatsoever. Talking about backstory, any hint about who the hell were Rey's parents? Who knows, it's not like millions of people were literally just waiting for this movie to get an answer anyway, right? Sigh.
Now Kylo and Hux are marching with an entire army of AT-ATs and a giant laser cannon directly towards the Resistance's hiding place, and they are not looking friendly at all. There is no other way out the cave, so Finn decides to throw himself in the chamber of the cannon with his ship to destroy it. BUT Rose crashes his battleship on Finn's to stop him and almost kills herself too... though she doesn't pass away before giving Finn a kiss officially marking both the beginning and end of the most stupid, rushed and pointless love story (if one can call it so) ever seen in the entire series.
DON'T MIND ME, I'M JUST SLOWLY WALKING IN FRONT OF YOUR ENTIRE ARMY! Why would you ever waste a single laser shot to burn me to ashes? Finn makes it back to the stronghold, and again I cannot stress enough how sick I am of this heroes-cant-die nonsense. Wasn't there another more reasonable way for Finn to make it out alive? That scene is just silly and effortless.
Back to planet nowhere: Yoda appears to Luke in THE WORST YODA COSTUME I HAVE EVER SEEN (it literally jumps off of the screen and punches you in the eyes, I can't help but cry), starts talking to Luke and basically tells him to wake up and do something. So we see Luke suddenly appear in front of Kylo's army: Kylo orders to fire every single existing laser gun in his control at him, shooting for a solid 60 seconds straight, but of course Luke doesn't get hit by a single shot, so Kylo comes down to fight him in person, tries to hit him, but fails... BECAUSE IT'S JUST A DAMN HOLOGRAM, WOW! So apparently the force can be used to project such a clear hologram of yourself on another planet (even after you are dead? what the?). Luke is still on planet Ahch-To, and is exhausted. He has finished every single bit of power he had left, and dies disappearing into thin air. That's for sure the kind of death I was expecting from the most important Star Wars character ever to live right? NO. For God's sake, NO. What is going on? THIS PLOT IS BEYOND MY COMPREHENSION. Meanwhile Rey has finally arrived and uses their newly acquired sensational Jedi powers to... lift up a bunch of rocks (WOW) and help the rest of the Resistance escape from the back of the cave.
THE END.
The credits that read "In loving memory of our princess, Carrie Fisher" just made me sad. I don't really think this was even near the level of the work Carrie Fisher has done, instead, I think she would have found this movie insulting.
I feel betrayed, I wouldn't have expected something like this even from Marvel. This plot looks like it was written in two hours by someone who was brainwashed and only paid to make it stupid enough to get people to watch this crap. It feels like this movie was produced with the sole purpose of milking the gullible audience that had high expectations from the last two Star Wars movies, which by the way were actually good. Like someone else says, positive reviews for this movie look written by bots. On Metacritic it has an average user rating of 4.7 out of 10. THAT is a fair rating.
Go back to cartoon animation for kids Disney, and stop milking the cow, you ruined one of the most successful sagas ever.