Episode 8? More Like The Hateful 8.

Rating: Null/10 (17 December 2017)

The Last Jedi is the worst Star Wars movie in the 40-year-old franchise, and it's a rolling dumpster fire of a film to boot. Many seasoned fans like me absolutely detest this movie, but not because it "takes bold risks" and "wants to be different," as if we're too immature and selfish to accept "change." Just stop using those weak straw men arguments.
We all know there are thoughtful, clever ways to make a unique and beloved movie by building upon an established universe and its characters. While The Empire Strikes Back succeeds in this -- being a completely different movie in tone and plot than A New Hope -- The Last Jedi strives to trash opportunities, insult fans, destroy legacies, and waste screen time, especially with respect to Kylo, Rey, Snoke, Luke, and Leia. Why?
If you thought prequel elements like a 50's diner, fart jokes, midichlorians, Jar Jar, baby Boba Fett, space taxes, and "Noooo!" ruined Star Wars, then be prepared for numerous shocking and/or cringe-worthy surprises: The Last Jedi literally begins with a space-faring prank call, a bit that could have passed for a Verizon Super Bowl half-time commercial. Wow, how...creative! There is also a nauseating scene involving milking a green alien teat into a sports bottle. Again, why? Would post-divorce George Lucas even have the stones to storyboard an alien nipple?
There is much more crap to say about The Last Jedi, but it was very difficult to pay attention after I wanted to walk out of the theater with my pretzel bites within the first hour. The wagon-train plot and its "epic casino mount" side-quest are boring, illogical, and unfulfilling. Most characters don't make any sense. For example, BB8 goes full-on Titanfall to save some idiots, and he becomes an actual weaponized coin bank! (I wish he'd spit some refunds back to the audience.)
I think the worst thing about this movie is that it gleefully destroys Star Wars and its legacy -- things that make the movies amazing, memorable, and timeless. It treats viewers, young and old, like tools who need to be lectured or pitched a shady sale. Remember, kids: "Let the past die. Kill it if you have to." The mild twists, forced humor, and unexpected character deviations just aren't worth the costs to the culture. It'll still sell some sympathy toys, though...maybe some green alien milk.
Compared with the Disney safety squad who produced The Force Awakens, it seems like The Last Jedi was created in a pretentious vacuum of the most eccentric yes-men (or yes-women) with TNT-fueled chainsaws. Seriously, is this The Hateful Eight or Episode VIII? Why would film makers -- in the midst of a new, successful franchise -- flee from the potential of solved mysteries and blossoming intrigue developed by its predecessor? Why excitingly tease the audience (most of which were willing to forgive The Force Awakens for its flaws) but then crush their hopes, not even acknowledging the many abandoned questions? How far does the line have to move until Star Wars is just another Marvel or DC movie and the force becomes a slapstick mutant superpower?
Yes, there are many questions and dirty deeds. I'm too shocked to list them all. I've realized this whole Disney Star Wars thing is not only baffling but it's bordering on treacherous. So, I'd like to protect my good memories and watch the old movies, which are far better than this travesty. Disney has lost a life-long fan; I will not be investing any more time, energy, or money in any new Star Wars movies. That is a promise.