Star Wars: Episode 8: The Last Straw

Rating: 1/10 (20 December 2017)

Luke is dead. Carrie Fisher is dead. Star Wars is dead.
Despite Disney's best efforts to convince us that Star Wars has been re-born, the opposite is true.
Expectant Star Wars fandom Rises and Porg toys to meet it.
What was once a mysterious and captivating mythology set in an enormous and complex universe is now something Jedi actually do use to move Rocks at the crux of the film (despite the writing poking fun at this earlier in the movie) set in a Galaxy where it is now possible to track ships through hyperspace.
With talk of 'Admirals' and "talking to the bridge" as well as commands like "steady on" I was half expecting Luke to beem himself up to the field of battle to save the day at the films climax. Oh wait, he did.
It is now possible for Luke to project a hologram of a younger version (why?) of himself to a far away planet in the galaxy (as well as Lord Voldemort/Golem/Snoke forming a telepathic link between Rey and the uniquely gripping Kylo Ren for the duration of the film) to fight Kylo.......
(At this point the galaxy feels like it stretches from your own front drive to your next door neighbours back garden)
.....long enough to stall the incoming bombardment of AT-ATT walkers to let Rey move rocks so the Resistance, today apparently reborn as the Rebellion (why are they now called the rebellion again?) can escape.
This film had a lot of stalling. Poe Dameron stalls Hux with a classic (ha ha) phone prank.
The films centrepiece involved the Resistance ships stalling their demise by flying slightly ahead of the First Order through Space for 18 hours (or however long it was) while the token Black character Finn and the token Asian character Rose went on an entirely uninspiring, un-enjoyable and ultimately completely pointless 'adventure' that felt more like watching a Harry Potter film than Star Wars.
HAS IT OCCURED TO ANYONE THAT THE FIRST ORDER COULDVE FLOWN INTO HYPERSPACE TO RIGHT IN FRONT OF WHERE THE RESISTENCE WERE AND COMPLETELY DESTROYED THEM EXTREMELY EASILY WITHIN SECONDS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
I cannot believe an entire film was built around such a ridiculous chase through the galaxy that could've been ended within the time it took The First Order to go into hyperspace and re-appear the other side of the resistance.
Along side Hyperspace tracking, we now have given birth to surely a new exciting breed of Star Wars Space ships: Suicide Hyperspace Bombers (It was a stunning scene to be fair)
I fully expect the next film to have token Arabs (thus further expeanding Disney's worldwide appeal and bottom line) piloting their J-wings through other ships via hyperspace to destroy them.
The Star Wars Universe has stalled.
This was really disappointing. Heartbreaking. Devastating.
I watched it three times in the cinema to give myself a well rounded perspective.
Aside from the fantastic performance of Driver as a conflicted and interesting character with a well developed back-story, an entertaining opening sequence and a great "Emporer-Vader-Luke in ROTJ" esque- "Snoke-Kylo-Rey" sequence, this film feels uneventful and pretty pointless.
Luke Skywalker is a pitiful, shameful shadow of his former self which is just so sad to see.
Leia force flying through space was weird.
We didn't find out who Snoke was.
We didn't find out who Rey's parents were
We didn't find out what had happened to Luke's lightsaber
Phasma was killed off proving what a pointless and boring character she was.
Maz was cut out almost entirely proving what a terrible character she was.
Benetio Del Toro' character is out of place.
Rose is just awful.
Carrie Fisher's daughter and the old Resistance woman were very annoying
I honestly do not care how this Trilogy ends.
Perhaps episode 9 should be titled:
Star Wars: Disney's Harvest.
Bring back the Prequels.
1/10