Stick a fork in Star Wars

Rating: 1/10 (15 December 2017)

Imagine a stereotypically ironic & self-absorbed Millennial. Give him utter disdain for the cultural heritage of the original Star Wars trilogy, no humor, a craving for filthy lucre, and complete creative control of Episode VIII. Now take that insufferable little twit and plop him in a Gen X-er's body, and you get Rian Johnson and this movie.
Johnson's script is a dog's breakfast of clumsy cliches, pointless decisions, inexplicable motivations, wooden dialogue, lame hipster quips, and one-dimensional characters. You could trundle an AT-AT through the plot holes. It's as if he took a workable sequel script, added every halfwit Disney executive's boneheaded notes, deleted the original content, tossed it in a Cuisinart, and mashed the "purée" button.
The movie is a 3-hour slow speed chase, with Leia and the Resistance in the white Ford Bronco and Hux leading the cop cars. Snoke was a joke, remaining unexplained and unintimidating. Rose was pointless, except as a blatant sop to the diversity-über-alles crowd. Purple haired feminist lady Admiral was an annoying distraction. Hux was a dweeb. Phasma was mostly absent and otherwise inept. Porgs? Make 'em into McNuggets and feed 'em to Jar Jar.
Rey is truly a Mary Sue; Yoda pops in just to belabor that point and to crap on the entire premise of Episodes I to VI. Luke is a grumpy old man with a death wish. Leia only exists to remind the audience of what studio executives can do to a truly interesting and strong yet feminine heroine. New Han and New Lando try to chew the scenery but they haven't the chops or the charm to get it done. New Vader is still a spoiled brat with no depth.
The Star Wars franchise is dead and Disney killed it. It shambles clumsily forward like a revenue-hungry zombie, but it's dead nonetheless. Somebody should just put it out of its misery.