I almost cried...................

Rating: 1/10 (17 December 2017)

Full disclosure: I wasn't going to see this movie. I didn't want these hacks to make anymore money after 'Force Awakens'. Then, MoviePass happened. In a world where one can see unlimited movies, individual titles are essentially free. I failed. Coincidentally, I believe MoviePass will eventually go bankrupt; thus, I have a solemn duty to take them for all they're worth... First things first. THANK YOU Disney for throwing out the *mostly* serious tone of this franchise and blending it with the common trash you usually peddle to elicit cheap laughs and sell toys.
The entire plot consists of idiots chasing the rebels. Actual idiots. A single X-wing (Poe Dameron) approaches a 'First Order' dreadnought. Cue cheap laugh #1: 'Sorry man, can't hear you; is it your cell reception?'. Dameron initiates a full scale assault.. by himself. After he successfully takes out literally 2/3 of their defense batteries, the gigantic craft (accompanied by an entire fleet) finally realizes it should dispatch fighters. Nah, good guys always win, Dameron blows up dreadnought and the first few thousand idiots. The fleet moves in. There's only one large rebel cruiser and it basically contains everyone the bad guys want to kill. So full assault right? RIGHT? Nah, we've got this guys. Turn on cruise control; let's watch the rebels run out of gas. Alright, alright, I exaggerate. Kylo and pals have some fun and blow up the bridge. Amid the explosion, Leia clearly gets sucked out into space and I begin to chuckle in my seat. Really? Won't Kylo's fighter ram into her? Come on, just incinerate her like everyone else. The camera pans to Leia's body in space. Forget the scientific inconsistencies we forgive (noises in space, lightsabers). No way can you fool me into seeing a perfectly preserved body in space; ridiculous. Then, to MY ABSOLUTE HORROR she starts to move. Jedi are now so powerful, they can survive incineration and the vacuum/temperatures of space. Leia floats to the door like Superman. I actually consider just walking out right then. She collapses and they take her in for care. Oh ok, this is where they phase out Carrie Fisher, like a tribute; I get it. Except they don't...????
Whatever, let's just fast forward to my favorite part of the movie. Luke appears at the rebel base they've all fled to. He walks up to face the entire invasion force alone.
Kylo Ren: "BLOW THE BEJESUS OUT OF HIM. NOW NOW NOW."
Luke: "Tee-hee, I'm actually a super hologram. Hasta La Vista baby." (dies from exhaustion on a rock). Literally like 30 rebels are left from the mega-cruiser and small fleet we first saw in the beginning. No one came to help them or even responded to their pleas. Rebels celebrate that they're going to get really strong now and make a comeback. Uh... lol ok.
Disney really scrapes the bin for names that haven't been trademarked yet: Snoke, Rey, Admiral Hold-o (because she holds, get it?), crystal CRITTERS... why? Just why?
-----Character Guide-----
+Rey: she's just so good at everything.. a true natural. She defeats Luke in a fight after what, a day? There's literally no obstacle she needs to overcome in training. To imply otherwise would be sexist. Women. Are. Powerful. Full stop. Period...
+Luke Skywalker: practically breastfeeds from a brontosaurus. OH WOW GREEN MILK. They changed it from blue! Loses fight to inexperienced child; basically just has Loki powers now (thanks Marvel).
+Admiral Holdo: of course she has purple hair and wants to passively surrender. A simple end for a simple chara...ALLAHU AKBAR! Can we talk about how many suicide attacks are in this movie Disney?
+That ****ing ginger. Basically a Hydra stooge that Disney/Marvel can add in at half price.
+Rose Tico: Just an absurdly peppy character. Poor acting. Feels like a plucky sidekick that belongs in another movie.
+Snoke: Alas, we hardly knew ye. Wait, what was your background story again?
+Kylo Ren: "Let's end it all Rey. You and me. No more Jedi, no more Sith. Put an end to this pointless cycle". Well OK! Please say yes. Please say yes. Apparently I'm on Team Whiny Goth now.
TLDR: Don't see this movie. Instead, go wash your eyes with bleach and rent Pirates of the Caribbean 5.
P.S. Disney wants you to now that they support diversity... In case you didn't notice.
P.S.S. Make sure to buy a stuffed alien penguin/guinea-pig toy for Christmas. Or twenty.