Disney just made a Marvel Film. This isn't Star Wars

Rating: 1/10 (15 December 2017)

I dont really know where to start with this review. I'm so disappointed. Bitterly disappointed. I feel like a child who's had his Christmas presents stolen as he was opening them.
This film is massively flawed, terribly written and utterly confusing. I'll break into 8 points;
1) Snoke.
Who is he?! We will never know! Because now he is dead! This figure of power was a massive part of the draw of this film, who was he, where was he from, what was his place in the star wars universe, where was he when the Empire was about, how did he get to Kylo etc. And there was no answer to that, none! and now he's dead! So what was the point of him originally!? no clue of his back story or why he is leader or so strong, nothing.....While we are on him the CGI around him was awful, looked straight out of the prequels.
2) Marvel humour.
The writing in this is terrible. really bad text all around. But through it all is the stupid slapstick Marvel style humour. The opening scene dialogue between Hux and Poe is up to level 1000 on the cringe-o-meter. I can forgive one or two, but the film has a stupid gag every 3 minutes. Poe is now basically a Space Tony Stark, while Finn may as well be Hawkeye for as much use as he was in the film.
3) Oh my god, oh my Luke.
Luke was another massive part of the draw of this film, the mighty Jedi master in hiding. Why? What happened? Lets find out! Well in the end it turns out he was just being a teenager and doing the equivalent of hiding in his room for a number of years but on an island because he was sulking. Drinking milk from sea cows breasts and masturbating furiously for a generation on his exiled island. And all that can be forgiven if he comes back and saves the universe. Did he? No! He just played about with a hologram and died. We were robbed of the Kylo light saber fight, robbed of Luke being Luke the Jedi and robbed of any actual need for him to be in this movie. There is literally no point in Luke existing in this new trilogy now. He may as well of died in the Return of the Jedi, because he's got no part in any of this now.
4) Old Friends, where art thou?
All the things we loved to see in the Force Awakens, the Falcon, Chewie, lightsaber duels, forget it. There is so little screen time of them they can be totally cut out of the film and you wouldn't notice. Don't expect to see the Falcon doing anything other than running away repeatably. And here is the kicker, the returning characters that we didnt see much of in Force Awakens still had no part of interest, thats right, I'm talking about R2D2 and C-3PO. Instead we are treated to reels and reels of Rey and Luke pointless dialogue. And on thism the new ones that were introduced are now dead anyways. Phasma; of no use at all in both films, and now dead. screen time of about 5 minutes total in both movies. RIP General Akbarr.....
5) Rey, I think we should split up
I'm really disappointed. Rey was shining through as the main character and is now totally useless to the story line. Yes she has the force, but she isnt connected in anyway to the main story line. She is just a Force aware kid whos parents ran away on her. Her involvement becomes null and void from her on in. Even at the end battle (i'll come on to that), she isnt even there to fight with Luke (or his hologram) against Kylo and the First Order. Instead she is magically transported from a blown up space ship t the gunning seat of the Falcon to yet again, you guessed it, run away from the fight. Or to "lure them away". Her charcter died near the end of this film. And thats a real shame.
6) Finn
Same as above really. Could of been a great character in this film, but is sent on a totally stupid and waste of (running) time to a casino to find a hacker. That who Casino world adds nothing to the film and really reminded me of the prequels. Its a total waste of time and Finn's character. Very sad. And again the character is now dead in the water, no reason he should even be there now to be honest.
7) The last battle! (or not)
So this film is basically a poor attempt of flipping Empire Strikes back. Starts with a space battle and ends in a land assault, this time on salt and not snow. but here is the kicker, there isnt even a battle! 12 rusty speeders go out againsts a fleet of walkers, inevitably get blown up apart from the 3 our main characters are in, that was lucky, and then they just, well, stop. Other than providing a nice looking background to see Kylo shout at a ghost, that it. There is no cliff hanger, no suspense, no help from friends of the alliance. Hell i even wanted to see Luke fly in on his submerged X-Wing and join in, but got none of that. Zero.
8) I Dont Care about Episode 9 - and that hurts....
There isnt much reason for there to even be an Episode 9 to be honest. Snoke is dead, Luke has transcended or what ever, the Rebels number now about 14 of them, Leah wont be in the next one for obvious reason. All we have an annoyed Kylo, Ren who can move rocks, Finn who may as well have stayed in the Casino and no suspense, there is absolutely cliff hanger moment. And because of that there is no "I cant wait to see what happens next!" feeling. Not only can I wait a very very long time to see the next one, I just don't care now. Star Wars has been such a big part of my life and is now non-identifiable as a Star Wars movie. Its a Disney movie, made for review gains and merchandise gains. Filled with family friendly gags and cuddly things to make into toys. There is no darkness, only light.
There's been an awakening, an awakening that Star Wars died with Han Solo and Carrie Fischer, have you felt it? :( :( :(