You're Not Gonna Believe What Happens!!

Rating: 2/10 (17 December 2017)

**SPOILER ALERT**
I walked into this movie with really high expectations. Perhaps too high. This film let me down on every level, and I will now attempt to explain way -- so beware of spoilers!!
The movie opens up like you'd expect, with Rey on that island with Luke Skywalker. But then, instead of provided us the long-awaited answers to the pressing questions we've been faced with since The Force Awakens, the film avoids that altogether by having Kylo Ren show up in the first five minutes and kill Luke. Yep, that's right. This movie promised to surprise you, and it sure as hell did. Anyway, then Kylo Ren takes off his mask to reveal the familiar Adam Driver face we all know, but then, there's a twist (as there is with almost everything in this movie) -- his "human" face is just another mask, and he removes that to reveal that he's actually Yoda! We all though that Yoda died in Return of the Jedi, but nope -- he's back. And it's not just him -- you were probably wondering how the two-foot tall Yoda fit into a six-foot tall Kylo Ren costume. It's because he standing on top of an entire family of Yoda's, all inhabiting the costume. They all disperse from the costume and explain how all the bad things "Kylo" has done is just a misunderstanding -- in fact, when they kill Luke, it was just an accident because they could wield the lightsaber correctly.
After it is revealed that Mrs. Yoda has quite the attitude, she begins to insult Rey's figure, which prompts her to kick one of the baby Yoda's off a cliff, a decision she immediately regrets once Mrs. Yoda gets ahold of the lightsaber -- more on that later.
We then cut to a scene that is actually from the Force Awakens, where Han Solo is trying to make peace with Kylo Ren before he is stabbed with his lightsaber. Once he is stabbed, though, and thrown off the bridge to a seemingly endless fall, the scene is extended to reveal that "he" rips off his mask to reveal he is actually Princess Leia!! The couple decided to play a practical joke on Finn by having Princess Leia accompany him to Starkiller Base with a Han Solo mask, while Han Solo stayed behind with a Princess Leia mask! This was probably the one good surprise the movie had to offer, since Carrie Fisher actually died and Harrison Ford did not. It was clever the way they pulled it off too, and means, luckily, that Han Solo will be with us for the rest of the trilogy.
From there, the movie provides some genuinely good lightsaber duels and spaceships battles that we've come to expect from the Star Wars franchise, but then comes to a screeching halt at about the ninety minute mark, when all the characters, sitting around on the Millennium Falcon, perform an extended musical number with at least four songs. I was okay for Chewbacca's solo number, who displays a surprisingly good singing ability, but once BB-8 and R2-D2 get together for the duet, the whole thing just falls apart. I recommend that anyone who needs to use to bathroom or get a popcorn refill do so after Chewbacca is done singing, because the three songs that follow are all ham-fisted and thrown together. I feel like John Williams, the composer, put all of his energy into the Wookie number, and then only had a couple of hours to compose the next three. Even the lyrics for those ones don't make sense -- I'm sure BB-8 had something really powerful to say in his song, but among all the beeps, I couldn't even tell if he was speaking English.
Anyway, the reason they're in the Millennium Falcon at all is to come to the planet where Rey is to come rescue her, but once they show up find Luke and Rey dead (Luke was by accident, but Rey had worn Mrs. Yoda's patience thin.) The family of Yoda's is there, though, so they decide to just pick them up, and then band together to destroy what is basically Death Star #4. Yep, you thought Star Wars wouldn't do it again, after A New Hope, Return of the Jedi, and The Force Awakens (and sort of the Phantom Menace and Rogue One), but they don't disappoint -- there is yet another Death Star, this time with even more power than ever before. Surprise, surprise. In a movie full of ridiculous surprises, they decided to keep this one cliche.
Of course, they destroy it, and then all get together and celebrate, only for C-3PO to propose to R2-D2 and ask for his hand and marriage, and then reveal that they are actually Luke's uncle! Princess Leia comes back from the dead as the ghost figure with Obi Wan, and Jar Jar Binks reveals that he was actually R2-D2 the entire time! Also, Finn? Lando's father. I know, I'm just as surprised as you, especially considering that they reveal that he wasn't even black at all -- he was white the whole time. Also, the Yoda family all get together to inhabit a storm trooper uniform, and then go on to kill as many of the good guys as they can with their blaster. That's where the movie ends, although there is a post-credit sequence in which the Porg, the cute and cuddly little creature from the trailers, reveals that he's actually a carnivorous monster and eats Chewbacca alive. It's played for laughs, though, so you can probably still bring the kids, although the fifteen-minute long cocaine sniffing sequence may be too much for them.
Anyway, I've probably digressed a bit too much with this extended plot synopsis, but what I'm trying to point out is that this does not in any way feel like a Star Wars movie. I understand why this has a 56% audience score on Rotten Tomatoes -- there are just too many weird surprises that no one will expect, and between all the character deaths, the revelations that certain characters are actually completely different characters, and musical numbers, fans will most likely leave very disappointed. Critics loved it, probably because it's just so "different" and "brave," but honestly, even if I were willing to except all the ridiculous twists in this film, I don't think it does one bit of good in terms of storytelling. The visuals are great, the special effects are top-notch, and the sound design is immaculate, but these are things we've come to expect from a Star Wars movie. In terms of characters, plot, and music, this movie took some very weird and unconventional turns that were way too strange for me and other fans of this franchise. The fact that this feels less like a Star Wars movie than the prequels is really saying something, and that isn't a good thing. I walked out surprised, confused, and ultimately disappointed, and I just hope that when J.J. Abrams takes the reins again for Episode IX, he will return to the heart of the franchise, and bring back the elements that made it so great. I loved the original Star Wars trilogy and 2015's Episode VII, I hate the prequels, but this film is by far the worst of the bunch, and I hope that Episode IX is a little more akin to the originals than to this strange departure. I can only hope, though. You could even say it's... a new hope? Sorry, I needed to end with a bit of humor, because there is none in this movie, besides Mrs. Yoda's one-liners which are surprisingly risquÃ©, but also hilarious.
Anyway, I will end my overly long review here. Skip this Star Wars movie and watch the originals -- and hope Episode IX returns to the glory of the originals in the same way Episode VII did.
My rating: 2/10 (One star for special effects and visuals, and one star for Chewbacca's solo number)