What an absolute trainwreck of a movie

Rating: 3/10 (8 January 2018)

What an absolute trainwreck of a movie. I don't even know where to begin. I've tried approaching this review several different ways, but I have so much to say that it feels like I'm writing a novel. This movie is a perfect example of poor writing and should be used in all scriptwriting classes to teach aspiring screenwriters what to avoid doing.
Like I did with my review of The Force Awakens where I compared it to A New Hope, I think I'll start my review of The Last Jedi by comparing it to The Empire Strikes Back: *SPOILERS*
The Resistance (Rebel Alliance) is evacuating their base on D'Qar (Hoth) when the First Order (Empire) shows up. The First Order (Empire) pursues Leia (Leia) through outer space for a good chunk of the movie. Rey (Luke Skywalker) travels to a far away planet to find Luke Skywalker (Yoda), a Jedi Master who's lived in hiding for many years. Luke (Yoda) is skeptical to train Rey (Luke) at first, but eventually agrees to teach her (him) some lessons. Rey (Luke) wanders into a Dark Side cave and has a weird vision/hallucination. Rey (Luke) leaves before her training is complete to help her friends and confront Kylo Ren (Darth Vader). After an intense lightsaber battle (although not against each other), the experienced Dark Side Force user, Kylo Ren (Darth Vader), sticks out his hand towards the novice Light Side Force user, Rey (Luke), and asks her to join him. Luke (Luke) shows up at the end of the movie to try to save Leia (Leia) from the clutches of the First Order (Empire) and she escapes on the Millennium Falcon (Millennium Falcon). Although it doesn't happen at the beginning of the movie, there's also a cheap knockoff of the Battle of Hoth with trenches, laser batteries, walkers, speeders and a white substance that covers the ground ("Salt."). And it wouldn't be a complete ripoff without the "Dark Side tyrant leading a faceless war machine with a Dark Side apprentice who has a special connection with a Light Side newbie" paradigm. There's even a little Return of the Jedi in it because Snoke (Palpatine) tortures Rey (Luke) in front of Kylo Ren (Darth Vader) and then Ren (Vader) kills his master Snoke (Palpatine). They should just call this trilogy a remake of the original, because it's just a slightly different (albeit worse) version of what's already happened.
This new trilogy lacks originality and sense. They don't seem to want to consult George Lucas, but they have no qualms with stealing his ideas and making them worse. And they definitely believe bigger is better. They take the AT-AT, Super Star Destroyer and Death Star (which were already big) and make them bigger with the AT-M6, Dreadnought/Supremacy and Starkiller Base. So original. Then there's the conflicted Dark Side Force user who has Skywalker blood and the powerful Light Side Force user from a backwater, desert planet. The Rebels defeated the Empire over 30 years ago and established the New Republic. How did they let the First Order get so powerful and not see that being a problem? Was the New Republic just 5 planets that were unrealistically close to each other and its entire fleet was just in orbit around them so the whole New Republic got entirely wiped out by Starkiller Base in one shot? That's convenient. So now the Resistance has to start a "rebellion" against this Empire knockoff? Does Leia at any point think to herself, "Hey. Didn't I already do this 30 years ago?" This trilogy basically renders everything that happened in the original trilogy meaningless and just tries to do it over (and I don't really blame them because it was great...the first time around). Is there really no other threat or conflict in the whole Star Wars galaxy that doesn't involve a powerful dictatorship versus a small band of freedom fighters? There's 40 years worth of books and comics they could check out since they clearly have no problem stealing ideas! How about stealing ideas that WEREN'T ALREADY MOVIES? How much do you want to bet Rian Johnson's new trilogy involves an outmatched group of rebels trying to overthrow a ruthless tyrant? It's just the same cycle over and over again. And there are too many "conveniences" in TLJ where pointless or absurd actions or chains of events conveniently work out. What in Johnson' limited resume gave Disney the impression that he could handle making this movie? The only thing I remember from Brothers Bloom was one of the characters died and Looper was disappointing (and I've never even heard of Brick). What did they see in this film that could possibly convince them to award him his own trilogy? Based on their track record, I think Disney didn't actually care if Johnson's writing was good or bad, they were just happy he fit SJW moments and characters into a Star Wars script. This trilogy's story structure is so out of whack it feels like TLJ is either the end of a trilogy or maybe the first part. Worst of all, it doesn't feel like Star Wars. It just feels like some weird, inferior, alternate universe. TLJ is easily the worst Star Wars movie ever made and one of the most poorly written movies I've ever seen. For me, the Star Wars timeline ends at Return of the Jedi.
Those were my general thoughts on the film. The rest is the detailed criticisms. So either turn away now or strap yourself in.
It's hard to judge the logic of the film, because it didn't feel like there was any in it. I'm sure most movies have some degree of plot holes or logic gaps when you analyse it close enough. But The Last Jedi had me throwing up my hands in objection several times as the logic gaps were so blatantly obvious.
At the beginning of the movie, Poe destroys all the cannons on the First Order's Dreadnought making it possible for an attack run on it by the Resistance's painfully slow bombers. These bombers are so impractically slow that I can't imagine they would be used in any circumstance other than bombing things that are defenseless and stationary like a shed. One of the four remaining bombers got destroyed after arming its bombs and somehow ended up blowing up two other bombers, because they fly stupidly close to each other.
The gunner of the last bomber climbs the ladder up to the main deck where the remote control for arming and releasing the bombs (which is just the same button, so how do you disarm them?...) is located and she tries to release the bombs, but the ship gets hit by enemy fire. So she falls down the ladder (because of the gravity in a bomber in space...) and lands on a platform that saves her from falling to her death (although I'm not sure how she's able to breathe and isn't blown out into the vacuum of space since she was next to the bay doors right as they opened...). She kicks the ladder repeatedly trying to force the teetering remote control to fall down to her. After about a million kicks, she grabs the medallion around her neck that gives her extreme kicking power and the remote finally falls. But she doesn't try to catch it...She watches the remote fall past her in slow motion to build suspense and then she remembers she has hands and reaches under the platform to grab it.
Most of the 2 and a half hours of the movie felt like the First Order was chasing the pitiful Resistance fleet through empty space. Thrilling, right? It's like watching a sloth chase a turtle. The Resistance fleet is almost out of fuel and can't jump to lightspeed because the First Order designed supposedly impossible technology to track ships through hyperspace. Since the Resistance ships are lighter and faster than the First Order's fleet, they decide to just fly at full speed knowing the First Order can't overtake them. It's a brilliant idea considering no one in the First Order is smart enough to jump to lightspeed in front the Resistance to box them in. So instead, the First Order follows them for 6 hours until their fuel runs out...It reminds of the time Homer Simpson was chained to a tree and was being chased around it by a cop and the cop asked Chief Wiggum for help, so Wiggum sent Lou in and Lou chased Homer from the same direction as the first cop instead of going the other way around to corner him (for comedic effect, obviously). At least Lou had the sense to ask Wiggum to call for more backup...
But back to the tracking device, Finn and the new character Rose Tico (who felt more like an annoying activist after taking one semester at almost any university than resistance fighter and had a few lame speech moments) somehow conclude that the tracking device is only active on the lead ship so they need to sneak aboard and shut it off so their fleet can escape into hyperspace without being tracked because if they simply destroyed Supremacy then another Star Destroyer would just start tracking them. Why all the Star Destroyers aren't tracking the fleet to prevent a situation like that isn't explained. Maybe they're trying to cut costs on their energy bill. And how Supremacy tracked the Resistance fleet in hyperspace when it wasn't even at D'Qar when the Resistance fled or why Snoke doesn't know he has that tracking technology on his ship, let alone that it even exists, aren't explained either. But I digress. The real question is why doesn't the Resistance abandon the flagship, board the other ships and all jump into hyperspace in different directions? Assuming the tracking device only tracks one ship at a time and since the First Order is only using one tracker at a time because they're energy conscience, they're likely only tracking the would-be abandoned flagship and would follow it until it ran out of fuel. Rose wants to know how they can find the dedicated power breaker to turn off the tracker on the Star Destroyer and Finn says, "The guy who used to mop it," implying he could do it. He said he was sanitation on Starkiller Base in The Force Awakens. This guy's mop and bucket sure got him around...Then in the very next scene when they're explaining their plan to Poe (but really to the audience), Rose shows