They brought Star Wars back. Only to spit on its name.

Rating: 2/10 (22 March 2018)

(Originally posted day after the movie's premiere, but removed by IMDB without reasoning or notification.)
Wow. Just wow. The Last Jedi was the worst piece of garbage masquerading as a Star Wars movie. I genuinely feel bad for paying the ticket fee. This movie doesn't deserve that.
See, I hate it when my favourite things are being destroyed. It's like a phantom dagger piercing my heart.
Why exactly is TLJ such a horrendous farce of a movie? Spoilers, beware. Let's see...
1. No character development. At all. The only thing we learned is that Kylo Ren has conflicts of conscience. Everyone else remains as forgettable, boring PC main characters. Finn is still a black dude who sometimes gets excited. Rey still beat Kylo Ren with her girl powers without actual training. There's a new short, plump, socially awkward girl. Need I say more.
2. The romance between Finn and Rose felt forced. They had zero chemistry at all. The kiss-scene felt like it came out of nowhere. I get that romance is a reoccurring theme in Star Wars, but... just because you can do it, doesn't mean you should. Did they write this on their lunch breaks? Jesus Christ.
3. No tension. You know one ingredient that makes a good movie? Emotions. I may just be cold, but I felt almost ZERO emotions while watching TLJ. There wasn't a single scene that made me excited, hyped, joyous, sorrowful, or angry. The only emotion I felt... was disappointment. I didn't even chuckle once. Speaking of chuckling...
4. Misplaced comedy. Really. I'm not the kind of person to laugh out loud often, but not a single 'comedic' or 'funny' scene even made me smile.
5. What happened with Snoke? He was both a severely underused and cliche villain. It's almost like they tried to recreate the ending of Return of the Jedi when Rey entered Snoke's throne room and was briefly force-tortured by him. Then he dies. Awesome. Honestly, I didn't like him that much either way, but... You have three movies to make a compelling villain. Three movies. Of the most popular fictional saga in the entire world. And THIS is what you come up with?
6. What happened with Captain Phasma? No. I refuse. I REFUSE to believe that was her fate. She'll come back, right? That was just a ruse to make us think that she's dead. There's no way that you kill off one of the most underused villains of all time like that. SHE HAD LESS TOTAL SCREEN TIME IN 2 MOVIES THAN GENERAL GRIEVOUS DID IN REVENGE OF THE SITH.
7. Random ass-pulls. Things that make you go "Oh, come oooon!". Princess Leia's 'death' is a shining, prime example of this. Curses, our fair princess was vacuumed into space! Oh wait. She can just use her space wizard powers to move herself back to safety. The movie was full of these mini-deus-ex-machinas, but it would take forever to list them all.
8. Awkward directing and mini-plot holes. So... when Finn and whatshername were captured and prepared for execution by Captain Phasma, there were stormtroopers all around them. An explosion. Everyone except our gracious main characters is dead. What happened to the troops surrounding Finn and Rose? At the end after the crash, how did Finn carry whatsherface back to rebel lines without AT-AT's obliterating them? My god. I admit I was tired, so maybe I missed some key elements. Could someone explain in detail how the main characters survived in some scenes for reasons other than their extraordinarily thick plot armour?
And since this is the 8th 'episode', I think the 8th reason why The Last Jedi is a heap of garbage is a good place to stop. There are, of course, many more things, like Kylo Ren's betrayal of Snoke, Luke's death and Admiral Holdo's hyperspace-suicide which were completely intellect dampening from a logical perspective.
One thing I liked were the Force scenes between Kylo and Rey. Them sensing each other and the camera angles being placed accordingly. Those were pretty sweet. The visual and auditory presentation of Holdo's suicide by hyperspacing through the imperial fleet was really cool. Otherwise, it made no sense lore-wise. Couldn't the rebels just have destroyed all of the Death Stars in the previous movies the same way?
Rogue One was good. Fantastic, even. The Force Awakens was bad. The Last Jedi somehow manages to be even worse. I'd rather watch the prequels three times in a row that have a go at these Disney Wars movies befouling the Star Wars name. I have no hope for Episode 9. Hire better writers and directors and maybe we'll see.
Hell, if Disney contacted me, I'd write a compelling, unforgettable script for Episode IX for FREE. I'm dead serious.