Disney, you may fire Rian Johnson when ready.

Rating: 1/10 (16 December 2017)

Where do I even begin? How does one go about reviewing such an epic failure of a Star Wars film? Since Yoda says "Do, or do not. There is no try," then I will do my best to lay it all out for you.
The good:
I was delighted to see that Billie Lourd (daughter of the late Carrie Fisher) was given a larger role in this movie. If anything, she was the one thing Rian Johnson, the great con artist, didn't screw up on. I hope she is given even more to do in Episode IX.
The bad:
Let's start at the beginning. As the Resistance is evacuating from their base, the First Order (which has miraculously reorganized itself just hours after the destruction of Starkiller Base) shows up and prepares to bombard the planet with a brand new, never-before-seen, Dreadnought star destroyer. This incredible weapon is so advanced that its main guns can be taken out of action by a single star fighter. Ingenious? What happened to deflector shields? Oops, I guess the First Order forgot to install them. Also, since when do the Resistance and the First Order communicate via radio with each other? I didn't see that coming.
Despite the odds, the Resistance successfully bomb the Dreadnought and escape into hyperspace... only to drop out of hyperspace moments later with the First Order right behind them. Yikes! The First Order can track Resistance ships while they are in hyperspace. Such an incredible technological advancement! But wait! Didn't Darth Vader track Leia's Tantive IV blockade runner through hyperspace from Scarif to Tatooine, in Rogue One? Evidently even Princess Leia has forgotten about that.
So, there they are. The Resistance vessels are low on fuel and can only proceed at sublight speeds. Miraculously, they are just on the edge of gun range from the First Order ships, who, strangely enough, can't seem to close the distance. Gosh, General Hux, why not just lightspeed ahead of everyone and double back on your course to position yourself in front of those Rebel scum? That never occurred to you, did it? Thus, the chase begins, with the Resistance vessels, one by one, running out of fuel and mysteriously slowing down only to get obliterated by the First Order. Since this is Star Wars, I will forgive the fact that the filmmakers forgot that a vessel underway in interstellar space doesn't abruptly slow down if an engine fails.
As the chase goes on, Princess Leia is temporarily incapacitated and is replaced by an utterly despicable character (played by Laura Dern). Dern's character (I don't recall her name) couldn't have caused more trouble than if she were an Imperial spy. She refuses to talk sense, ignores any advice, and keeps her plans secret for absolutely no reason. This causes Poe Dameron to become suspicious of her, and, in turn, creates over 30 minutes of unnecessary filler in the story. Fin, who makes friends with a new character named Rose, comes up with a wild scheme to prevent the First Order from tracking them, and departs for Planet Los Vegas. Why didn't the First Order pursue Fin's shuttle? Who knows? Fin arrives on the Casino planet, gets thrown in prison, escapes in a wild and destructive chase sequence, and returns to the scene of the First Order-vs-Resistance chase. Guess what, the Fin and Rose get captured! Great plan, that was!
As for Luke Skywalker, he and Rey simply can't communicate. Rey wants Luke to help the Resistance. Luke doesn't want to help. Lovely, right? Luke wants the Jedi gone because of the mistake he made in the past with Ben Solo, but then he abruptly changes his mind and decides to train Rey. Was that actually training? No, not really. Rey learned more on her own than she ever did from Luke. Rey and Kylo Ren can communicate using the Force. I didn't see that coming, either. Now for the big reveal. We finally get to know who Rey's parents are. They are (drumroll, please)... nobody. WHAT?!!! You read that right. They were nobodies from the junk world of Jakku who gambled their daughter away for drinks. Wonderful storytelling... NOT.
Now for Supreme Leader Snoke. He's Mace Windu! He's Darth Plagueis! He's Darth Sidious reincarnated! He's Darth Maul! Well, you're all wrong. HE'S NOBODY, just like Rey's parents! You've got to be kidding me, Disney! Wait, wait, there's more. He gets killed halfway through the movie! The trilogy's greatest villain... killed in what is easily the stupidest scene in the entire movie. Give me a break.
The movie, which has been pretty slow and pedantic up until this point, suddenly picks up speed. It heads on a collision course for a final, deadly confrontation on a desert planet with salt and red rocks. The AT-M6s and AT-ATs arrive. An epic battle is about to unfold. The excitement and anticipation are in the air. Suddenly Luke appears. He steps out into the battlefield, one man against the First Order. The excitement reaches a fever-pitch! Here we go! Luke's about to be the hero at last! But no. His final "duel" with Kylo Ren isn't even a duel because their lightsabers can't touch. Why not? Because he's not really there! He's a Force Illusion! He distracts the First Order just long enough for the remnants of the Resistance to make their escape. AND THEN LUKE DIES!!! To coin a phrase, "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"
Disney, you have failed me for the last time. Rian Johnson, you are as clumsy as you are stupid. You don't have a clue how to make a Star Wars movie. You have no business directing even one of these movies, let alone those next three films Disney has promised you. You have destroyed my faith in this sequel trilogy. I don't think even J.J. Abrams can repair the damage you have done to Star Wars.
Even before going to see this movie, "I had a bad feeling about it." Luke Skywalker had it partly right when he said, "It's time for the Jedi to end." I would be even bolder than him. "It's time for Star Wars to end." Disney, you have killed the Star Wars fan in me. I probably shall never see any of your "Star Wars" movies again. I bid you farewell. Oh, and before I leave, I give you a very generous token: one star out of ten. Goodbye.