When homer Simpson meets the force..

Rating: 1/10 (3 April 2016)

I had heard so much good about this movie, and seen enthusiastic people interviewed while coming out of theaters and saying "it's great, they did it, there's everything from the previous episodes.. they did it".
Well, didn't get sarcasm. But it was true, there's everything from the previous movies.. and that's all that there is. Twisted and stripped of all that is interesting.
I will try to use the same narrative technique as they did to scramble the movie.

A (very) small girl is abandoned on a sort of desert planet. And she becomes a scavenger. All by herself. I mean, nobody taught her, nobody helped her, she was just parked there by her parents and with no apparent support she a) finds an old spaceship that apparently none other is interested in to live in; b) survives and learns a job; c) is not selfish at all, and takes risks to help a machine she hears from far away.

the same girl will have loads of chance-happening, and learn by herself what other took ages to grab. Not only the force, but also how to pilot and repair a never-seen-before spaceship like millennium falcon. Somebody forgot to tell us she was an highly-gifted!

Next scene transport us in the space (just like that!) with old acquaintances: Han solo and chewbacca. Yes, no surprise, they just jumped in out of nowhere, as a character in the Muppet show: "tah-dah, here we are!"

Hah summarizes the story to give some sort of explanation on how it could have happened, and that is like eating marmite, actually, love it or hate it, there will be no in-between.
Next scene, the destruction of several planets. You are lost? Dunno how we got there, so suddenly? Well, neither do I. But this is the effect it does when watching the movie.
Hop, we move next, and this is the part I mostly laughed at: Han meets Leia: she doesn't look just "old", she looks as if she sat somewhere 20 years earlier and just waited to age. You wouldn't say she was a fighting princess, rather a fatty queen.
Well, there was the need for some sentimental and sexual scene as in all Hollywood movies, so it will be them two kissing each other. OK, that's done. Thanks God they didn't get undressed.
Well, so they meet, and she says: "my son is still good, I feel it". Then Han parts from her, and he goes meet the son, and the son kills him (I warned it was spoiled, but don't worry, you knew this would happen since one hour before the scene actually develops).
And at * THAT * moment, when climax is at its highest, we have a wonderful shift on homer-Leia Simpson, who does a magnificent figurative face-palm, closing her eyes and, I swear, I was expecting her to say "DOH!" high aloud.
Seriously.
Perfect pitch.
Then there are the force(d) scenes, where the highly-gifted girl learns to use her magic superpowers to free herself, recover her weapon in a will contest with the bad guy, and blast the enemy with a couple of light-saber hits; and there, half-dead, he lays on the snow near a hole (it was a rock near a lava river in episode III). And at that point his big boss says "bring him to me, i'll finish his teaching (if you have seen the end of episode III you know what i'm talking about)" Well, maybe if he had trained him before, the scene could have been less ridiculous.
And then there are the fighters going in the machine that kills the planets and shoot at it, but because the film-makers had exhausted their budget they just copy-pasted the scene from episode IV and attached to this one.
And then it ends on the highly-gifted girl finding the guy they were looking for since the beginning of the movie. Yes, just like that.
But what for? She already knows everything he could teach her!
Oh, no, wait, I know: it's because she wanted to give him back his sword. Told you she wasn't selfish.
Because of course, when you spent ages trying to find somebody, and finally get a map that allows you to reach him, you send a just-met-now girl ALONE to meet him.
Oh, and did I mention that the evil guy is a Gothic emo who has cramps on his arm? He is standing for ages, hand wide open, arm pulled forward, making strange faces, when trying to interrogate a prisoner.
Oh wait, maybe he was mimicking a force-user.
You know, one of those whose movements actually were like dancing on an unseen energy, to help them focus their will on it.
Except this one looks like a kid that copies the movement from the magician seen in a theater, freezing when he has finished, and desperately hoping the magic will happen for real.
And this is how the movie starts, runs, and ends. Yes, like this.
A nonsense, from beginning to end.
I really don't understand how this can be rated 8/10.
IMDb ought to really do something about their scoring system. It made me write this review to help others avoid the pain of watching.