The Farce Aweakens

Rating: 5/10 (1 January 2016)

On a dry, desert planet a small, rolling droid conceals information vital to the Rebellion and is hunted by Storm Troopers from the Empire. The droid is discovered and protected by a teen named Luke Skywalker. Whoops! That's the plot of the first Star Wars movie. This movie is completely different. The teen is female and her name is Rilo Kiley. The droid is called Rolling Beach Ball 8 (RBB8) instead of R2D2. The Empire is called the First Order and the Rebels are called the Resistance. You can see it's completely new.
As the Storm Troopers close in on RBB8 and Rilo, an evil Jedi Knight wearing a Dark Helmet leads them. His name is Darth Vader. Whoops! That's the plot of the first Star Wars movie. This movie is completely different. The name of the evil Jedi Knight is Kilo Riley. In an amazing coincidence, his name is very similar to Rilo's which could lead one to wonder if (gasp!) they are somehow related to each other.
With Kilo closing in, Rilo manages to escape the desert planet on the legendary ship the Millennium Falcon piloted by Han Solo. Whoops! That's the plot of the first Star Wars movie. This movie is completely different. Rilo escapes the desert planet on the Falcon but her companion is named Fin, a tribute to Steven Spielberg's film Jaw Wars.
Before they can leave the star system a smuggling vessel captures the Falcon. In an amazing coincidence, the smuggling ship is piloted by Han Solo and Chewbacca!
They all head for a planet where a tiny, wrinkled alien named Yoda recognizes that Luke is destined for great things. Whoops! That's the plot of the first Star Wars movie, A New Hope. This movie is completely different. The tiny, wrinkled alien is actually named Mazda (Mazda is short for Mazda Toyota) not Yoda, and she recognizes that Rilo is destined for great things. In an amazing coincidence, Rilo discovers Luke Skywalker's Light Saber in the basement prompting a flashback to when Luke, I mean Rilo, was abandoned on a desert planet.
While Luke, I mean Rilo, is preoccupied with her flashback Troopers led by Dark Helmet attack Mazda's castle. After an epic battle in a forest, something we've never seen before, Rilo is captured by Dark Helmet and taken on board his immense cruiser.
This seems like a good time to discuss the backstory of Dark Helmet. When the late Darth Vader donned the helmet and labored breathing apparatus that lent such an aura of Evil to everything he did and said, it was because he had been horribly maimed. When Kilo removes his helmet it reveals something even more horrifying than Vader's disfigurement. Instead we see the face of the hipster doofus boyfriend from Girls. No wonder he wears a mask! From then on, it's impossible to take him seriously as a space villain. Being the son of heroes Han Solo and Princess Leia was too great a burden to bear so Kilo turned his back on his Sensei Luke Skywalker and went over to the Dark Side. Luke was so distressed at his nephew taking after Grand-daddy's side of the family that he disappears.
Back on the ship Kilo, using his amazing Jedi powers acquired through years of training, has surmised that Rilo has seen the secret that RBB8 holds: a map revealing the location of Luke Skywalker. But when Kilo takes a dip in the shallow pool that is Rilo's mind, he makes an icky discovery. She can see into his mind too! Just like some Jedi Master! Even without any Jedi training! Kilo realizes he has wasted years studying and training. What a bummer dude. And, ewwww, isn't there something kind of... incestuous about Kilo and Rilo feeling each other's minds up?
Rilo, not having wasted years training, immediately sets about using Jedi mind tricks to free herself.
In an exciting departure from the prequels, Fin and Rilo actually seem to like each other. So it's almost believable that Fin, Han and Chewie would mount a successful raid to free Rilo.
With Rilo on the loose again Kilo and his former BFF General Cliff Huxtable turn to a hologram of Palpatine, I mean Fearless Leader, for help working out their issues. The Bromance is really finished between Kilo and the Huxter so Fearless Leader tells them to get on with hunting down Rebels. Have I mentioned that Fearless Leader has a big head? It's a YUUGGGE head.
The Empire has built a giant secret weapon that can destroy a planet. Whoops! That's the plot of the earlier Star Wars movies. This Death Star is so big it can kill multiple planets and depletes the star it uses as the power source. You can see it's completely new.
The Empire has learned its lesson and it will take much more than an X wing fighter to destroy this Death Star. It will take someone walking up to the front door of the Death Star AND an X wing fighter piloted by one of the most important characters in the movie, Poe Edgarallen. You can tell that Poe is one of the most important characters in the movie because I've recapitulated the whole plot to this point without mentioning him.
In the end the Death Star is destroyed but not before Dark Helmet works out his issues by dispatching Han with a light saber to his chest. And not before, in what can only come as a surprise to anyone who hasn't been awake for the last several hours of the film, Rilo Kiley delivers the original Light Saber to a cloaked figure who turns out to be.... Luke Skywalker with a beard!
While I can't claim any inside information, I think it's pretty safe to say that in the next film the First Order will Strike Back. You could almost bet on it.