Star Wars, Episode VII: A New Reboot

Rating: 1/10 (28 September 2016)

Watching this movie is like having the pathways in your brain responsible for the feeling of deja vu malfunction and get stuck on replay. For 138 minutes.
***Spoilers*** "The Force Awakens" is basically "A New Hope" in a peculiar alternate universe. In this strange new realm, Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia have both been reincarnated as the same character: Rey. Rey is the highlight of the movie, not really for her story or Ridley's acting performance, but because of her Luke-like earnestness and Ridley's good looks.
Han Solo has been reincarnated as Finn. But instead of being a hotshot pilot and pirate, he is now a goofy janitor, runaway stormtrooper, and blundering coward. Sheesh, makes you wonder what Harrison Ford did to make JJ Abrams get back at him in such an underhanded and passive aggressive way....
Obi-Wan has come back as an elderly version of Han Solo. "Who's more foolish now, eh? The fool, or the one who follows the fool".... Or the one who becomes the fool? Tee hee! Abrams, whatever problem you have with Harrison Ford, you should settle it like normal people. Face-to-face. Off-screen.
Darth Vader has been reincarnated as the character of Severus Snape. Which is a bit odd, even for this alternate version reality. Eh, if JK Rowling's okay with it, I guess we should be, too.
Palpatine is Snoke.
Yoda appears as a yellow Pokemon alien.
There are no new planets. Tatooine, Yavin 4, and Hoth are all featured in this movie, but with different names, of course. As is the case for the Death Star, the Rebel Alliance, and the Empire. Even the Death Star plans have made a comeback -- as coordinates for Luke's location. (Elderly, second-Yoda Luke, not Rey).
In a SW first, there is no eye candy for the ladies in this movie. Okay, so the red-haired reincarnation of Moff Jerjerrod, but he's barely seen, and maybe Poe Dameron (new Wedge Antilles) who's also barely there. Rey unfortunately never wears any beautifully outlandish SW costumes, which is another SW first for a female lead. Sorry, girls.
Needless to say, I won't be paying to watch the next chapter in SW, "The Reboot Strikes Back," though I have to admit I'm a bit curious who and what General Rieekan, Lando Calrissian, the AT-AT walkers, and the space slug will reincarnate as.