Sad

Rating: 1/10 (19 December 2015)

STAR WARS VII is a glorious victory for Hollywood. This is the most widely appealing, inoffensive, fun-loving, and convenient Star Wars that could have possibly been made. It will quench the thirst of thousands of fanboys and fangirls, remind the children of the 70s of the first time they saw a lightsaber surge to life on the big screen, and unquestionably snag the biggest box office success in history. It's the most colorful, snazzy, and crowd pleasing movie of the year.
But it's also cowardly, conservative, and unimaginative. A hedged bet. A capitalist venture of the lowest order. It commits the worst sin I can possibly imagine in a movie: it's boring. Because I've already seen this movie.
While I recognize the importance of renewing good ideas for the benefit of new generations, things are way out of control. Just look at some of the year's top grossing films: JURASSIC WORLD - Reboot. AVENGERS 2 - Sequel. INSIDE OUT - NEW IDEA. FURIOUS 7 - *snort*. MINIONS - *louder snort*. HUNGER GAMES 3 Pt. 2 - Based on a book sequel. Cinderella - Reboot. MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 5 - Shameless Sequel. SPECTRE - James bloody Bond sequel number 23.
The list goes on. The funny thing is, it only occurred to me recently that I considered STAR WARS VII an exception to this rule. I loved the original movies when I was five years old, and I still love a lot of things that I loved when I was five years old because I like that they remind me of what it was like to be a little kid. I'm a big believer in the power of nostalgia, but the problem with this film is its unbearable reliance on hitting the nostalgia button, even stooping to use the exact same downtrodden clichés that they have ALREADY REUSED WITHIN THE SERIES (I'm looking at you, Death Star #3).
I'm perfectly fine with a few nods to the originals, but I'm not five years old anymore. I don't want the same old thing in (what purports to be) a NEW installment in the Star Wars series. I want something that will give me a rush of excitement: not because it's familiar, but because it's SOMETHING I HAVEN'T ALREADY SEEN.
If I wanted to feel the same tingly feeling I got from the originals, I would watch them again. And if they wanted to remake Star Wars, why didn't they just say so?
Because it's a franchise. That's why. The sheer number of popcorn buckets and storm trooper masks and plastic lightsabers and figurines and McDonald's Happy Meals and posters and stuffed animals and Christmas fodder trumps everything. All this movie has to do is exist. And in the eyes of the businessmen running this circus, any deviation from the same formula that sold them God-knows-how-many popcorn buckets the last time is not efficient. After all, the screaming children who want the new Darth Vader in toy form don't care if the story is new or not, and neither do their parents. It's just for fun!
So forget about the fact that the new Darth Vader is the same brand of temper-tantrum throwing teenage malcontent that these kids will invariably grow up to be. Forget that the protagonists of this film are about the same age as those in INSURGENT and HUNGER GAMES and MAZE RUNNER and TWILIGHT. Forget about the thirty long years showing on Han and Leia's haunting faces and forget about their husky voices. Forget about how tired they look. Forget about how easy it must have been to throw the last six movies in a garbage disposal and use whatever mishmash resulted from it. Forget about the fact that you could have written a better movie than this. Forget that $200 million dollars were spent on a two hour diversion from your life's problems which ultimately didn't change you, fix you, or even entertain you. It numbed you.
I don't go to movies to be numbed. I go to movies to explore and change and hopefully, maybe, see something I haven't seen before.
Say a prayer for movies, everyone.