Disappointed.

Rating: 5/10 (20 December 2015)

THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS.
I just returned home from the theater, and I've been wrestling with guilt all the way home. I feel guilt because I SHOULD feel, as many of my friends do, that Star Wars is totally back, and better than ever. I should feel grateful to everyone who made it happen. I should be delighted in a Star Wars movie that wasn't ruined by George Lucas' incessant tinkering.
The trouble was, five minutes into the film found myself mentally saying, "Uhhhhhhhhh...okay...." And it only got worse. You know it's bad when a busted up starship and a robot are two of the best actors in the film.
THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS, don't forget.
Let's start with the good things:
1) The Falcon. If you are at all a fan of the Millennium Falcon, you will fall more in love with it in this film. There are some beautiful new shots of the old girl, and I found myself grinning like an idiot every time I saw her.
2) The X-Wings never get old.
3) BB-8 reminds me of my cat. He's kind of playful, kind of mischievous, but he's good to have around.
4) I thought the moment between Rey and Leia was sweet.
Now onto the bummersauce.
The movie barely starts, and the old guy (Max Von Sydow), whom I don't even know and whose importance I don't understand (because it's never explained. Is he a Jedi? Is he a friend of Luke's? As far as I know he's just some old guy who remembers the good old days) is killed by a bad guy whose dialogue I can't quite catch at first because of the way they've synthesized it. Then the over-eager star pilot Poe gets captured in a stupid and thoughtless stunt while the brand-new stormtrooper Finn can't seem to hold it together and suddenly has a conscience when it comes to killing, even though he's been bred for combat since birth (to the point that he doesn't even know his name). We see this over- hyped Captain Phasma for less than two minutes.
Finn helps Poe escape, and they climb into a TIE fighter. Poe says, "I've always wanted to fly one of these," indicating that he's never done it before. But once Finn starts asking about the guns, Poe seems to know exactly how to bring the fighter's guns online and calibrate them. Convenient. Turns out Finn is conveniently a great gunner for being a new stormtrooper. GREAT gunner.
Fast forward to when Finn meets Rey, and they find the Falcon. More creaky dialogue between Rey in the cockpit and Finn in the gun turret halfway across the ship, and it's even more awkward when they keep looking back towards each other to shout, even though they have a headset. It's like if my boss called me from his home office and I turned in the direction of his house to respond, even though we're talking on the phone and I don't have to shout TOWARDS him.
Then Han Solo suddenly shows up THE MINUTE AFTER THEY LEAVE JAKKU. I guess he'd been looking for his ship ever since he lost it, and just happened to be passing through the area. Then there's the mess with those alien monsters whose species I didn't quite catch, and they're off to wherever, with some cheeky dialogue between Han and Chewie to make everyone laugh.
I'm going to skip a bunch because I can't be bothered to go into all the detail. But there's a lot of exposition and other dialogue that sounds dead as the words come out of the actors' mouths, and that's probably what most rubbed me the wrong way, because THAT'S WHAT HAS BEEN PLAGUING THE STAR WARS SERIES SINCE RETURN OF THE JEDI. Maybe it's because Lawrence Kasdan was the writer of ROTJ and this film. I don't know. But I thought the writing was lazy in ROTJ, and I felt the same way here.
Fast forward to the end, as Rey is climbing the stairs on the island. She passes bits of junk that might be interesting, because "What has Luke been doing for the last 30 years?" Well, I guess it's not something we need to worry about because the movie completely ignores it. Rey is so focused on climbing that hill, and then finally we see Luke...for all of a minute-and-a-half, and not only does he not say anything, the expression on his face remains blank and expressionless. CUT TO CREDITS! Boom! That's it. End of film.
To sum it up (and get to the point), it's as if the Star Wars Crew expects us to believe all of these relationships have depth because they told us to, but it doesn't feel like they actually do. It's as if they expect us to just love this film because they told us to, and frankly, I find that kind of insulting. I really hope that Rogue One is a better film because they won't have the shackles of the original legacy holding them down.