Pavlov's Demographic

Rating: 1/10 (4 January 2016)

Remake? Reboot? Retread?
Maybe a recap? It is - as has been observed ad nauseam - the first six movies rolled into one. And thus one could summarize this project as a super long "previously, on _____...", with some sort of retro/remix shake & bake machination going on.
But here's what this movie IS NOT: a movie.
What the hell does that mean? It means that the entertainment industry has finally figured out how to make one film into all things to all people. Not a script or an idea later fine-tuned via test screenings, but rather a gargantuan project that *began* with test screenings. Except on a global scale.
So yeah, it's The Perfect Movie. On paper, anyway. Perfectly timed references, perfectly excusable plot holes, perfectly cast characters... the overtly Nazi "not-empire" versus a black guy & a chick being the glaring example. Yep. For what Disney spent to acquire the franchise, you're damn right they're going to pander to even the "subtlest" of zeitgeist sensibilities (is it politically incorrect to call this movie out on its political correctness?).
You have to look no further than the positive reviews of TFA to see what a paper tiger it is. Apologetics abound! "Sure, it's THE SAME MOVIE AS THE FIRST ONE... WITH A BAD BOOB JOB (metaphorically, of course), but otherwise it's like living your childhood all over again!"
Really, scroll through these ratings & reviews. Grown adults with educations are shelling out these rationalizations by the hundreds. To quote, by contrast, a good movie: "did IQs just drop sharply while I was away?"
Let's review a specific moment of the Cosmic Cash Cow that is TFA. Yep: spoilers.
Not-Luke on not-Tatooine (with not-R2) is destitute. She's looking for scraps to sell for food. This obviously suggests a bleak landscape. And then she runs by the "garbage" ship... oh, ha-ha, it's THE MILLENNIUM FALCON!!!1!!! OMG OMG YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYY
Except that this "derelict" ship 1) still runs perfectly, 2) is sitting out in the open, in plain sight, 3) more/less has the keys in the ignition, and 4) can be flown around & through tight spaces by this chick with zero experience doing such. But no one thinks of scrapping/selling/stealing it. Huh?
Oh, and yeah: out of the whole entire vast expanse of the ~H~U~G~E~ universe, naturally she flies the thing straight to its former owner.
That's right. It's as preposterous all around as it sounds. And people with *doctorates* can't hand over their money fast enough for this crap.
Garbage, indeed.
The "movie" is a patchwork of this at literally every turn. It's nothing even remotely coherent, it's simply a magnificent sociology project. It is cinematic proof that you can haul a wheelbarrow of cold dog feces in front of a crowd of people... but if the excrement is presented in just the right way - with just the right amount of glitter on a Star Wars nametag shoved in there somewhere - people will salivate, salivate, salivate.
If the best the masses can say about TFA is "at least it's better than the prequels", then please... bring on the apocalypse before the next chapter in the "saga" drops unmercifully from Uncle Walt's cold cryogenic crapper.
Which reminds me: what's up with many of my fellow naysayers using TFA to start rewriting history as it pertains to George Lucas? What, the guy gets a saintly glow and an attempted collective amnesia because this installment was nothing more than bloated candy?
No.
First off, George sold the franchise, and while he does have the right to complain about it as much as anyone, let's not forget what an epic middle finger The Phantom Menace was to the world. Yeah, yeah, Jar Jar sucked. But more than that, it was six years & three disasters of FFFF YOU.
Remember when the practically legendary Darth Vader was demoted & denigrated into Twilight in a plastic hat? And it only took roughly seven hours of ~RETCH~ masterful ~RETCH~ storytelling to get there! ~RETCH~ Christ in a cardboard box.
We know, George. You worked "really hard" to make "original worlds" and all that. Sure. Like shoehorning Jabba into Phantom, and having Anakin not only on Luke's same planet, but also building C-3PO! There's that small universe again.
You blew it, George. The enemy of my enemy is not my friend. Not in this case, anyway.