Star Wars: The Force Awakens: The Cringe List

Rating: 1/10 (2 January 2016)

One fan's nit-picking is another's death by a thousand cuts.
1) Cool. Max von Sydow is in this, and he just said he needs to "make things right." This should be an interesting back-story! Oh, wait. They just killed him. Into the Mystery Box with the interesting back-story, Mystery-Wrapped until season, er, EPISODE 8 at the earliest, when I think we'll also learn about the Hatch.
2) Stormtroopers have advanced beyond quaint sci-fi blaster tech to embrace flame throwers and Tasers. Finally.
3) Yay! It's the Millennium Falcon! Wait how'd it get on Tatooine 2? Relax: I'm sure it's NOT just a convenient coincidence. There has to be a plausible explanation coming.
4) Cool! Rey is a bad-ass pilot! Oh, but, how does a teenage junk collector become an ace spaceship flier? I bet there's a Beggar's Canyon 2 on Tatooine 2! Or womp rats! Either way, I'm sure an explanation is forthcoming.
5) Why is the Falcon in perfect working order after sitting unprotected on the surface of a blistering sand planet for umpteen years? Obviously, Han went for the Clear Coat option.
6) Wow, in addition to the Clear Coat, the Millennium Falcon must have been majorly reinforced in the past 30 years, because it's now slamming against the ground and not completely disintegrating like most other spaceships that have previously slammed against the ground in this particular galaxy.
7) Did Finn really look toward the camera and say "Woo!" like he just crushed it in Call of Duty?
8) Oh sh**. Still no mention of a Beggar's Canyon 2 or womp rats. Oh well, another file for the Mystery Box!
9) And still no reason given for the famous Millennium Falcon's convenient parking spot on the same planet where all three of our fresh-faced protagonists converge. Another one for the Mystery Box (subject line: "For Smoke Monster Eyes Only").
10) Yay! It's Han Solo and Chewie! Wait how did they manage to track the Millennium Falcon and then hyperspace jump directly to it 30 seconds after it took off from Tatooine 2? Faster- than-light-spaceship-tracking-and-travel has really come a long way in 30 years!
11) Finn didn't just ask if Rey has a "boyfriend," did he? Ugh, he did. Maybe they will later "hook up" in a spacemaltshop?
12) For a soldier indoctrinated from childhood to be a ruthless cog in the First Order killing machine, Finn seems to be a remarkably well-adjusted and affable lad, quick with the good- times one-liners.
13) Why does that one gang of space pirates sound like the cast of Trainspotting? And why does that other gang of space pirates LOOK and sound like the cast of The Raid 2? Dammit, why am I thinking about these other movies in the middle of a Star Wars movie? I don't want to think about hardscrabble Glasgow and gritty Indonesian street fighting right now.
14) Those escaped tentacle monsters look like Kang and Kodos from the Simpsons Halloween specials. Only more cartoony.
15) Why did Kang and Kodos immediately kill and devour the Scottish gangsters and the Indonesian Kung Fu gangsters, but not Finn? It's probably because he's so damn well-adjusted and affable.
16) Wow, Rey is also a master mechanic who can fix the Millennium Falcon better than Han and Chewie. It's almost like she's a Mary Sue, or something. But JJ Abrams and Jake Kasdan's dad are not ladies, so by definition, that theory would make no sense at all, and I'm probably a sexist pig for even considering it.
17) Finn, a First Order conscientious objector, apparently has no objection to slaughtering his former First Order comrades. And quite affably, at that.
18) Kylo Ren is talking to Stimpy the big Gollum hologram (Gollugram?) now. Ouch: People in the audience are chuckling at Gollugram's hammy stage voice. Now I'm chuckling, too. Dammit, JJ! I didn't want to chuckle at this point in the movie.
19) Why is Gollugram so damn big? Oh no: This better not turn out to be an Oz thing. And why does this CGI look so shitty? Oh, right: An industry friend told me two weeks before this movie's release that, despite JJ's claim that the film was in the can, little visual effects elves were still furiously working overtime on it.
20) Christ, another Cantina scene? This time with Broadway space reggae. I f***ing can't believe they went with another Cantina scene. Wait, while I was obsessing over this offensive victory lap of another Cantina scene, I missed why they decided to bring BB-8, the galaxy's most-wanted droid, into the Cantina instead of hiding him on the g-d space ship.
21) Oh no. More rush-job CGI in the orange Yoda. Looks like the effects elves cranked the subsurface scattering up to 11, because Mazda Yoda looks all watery-swimmy.
22) OK, why is Rey hearing spooky children crying in the basement? Is this like Lord of the Rings now, where magic inanimate objects have a voice? I thought Obi Wan said that the Force binds all LIVING things. Why does a hunk of metal now channel Force powers?
23) Finn just looked toward the camera and lovingly gushed, "That is a damn good pilot," as if he saw the cross-cuts of his his pal Poe in the cockpit along with the rest of us. And why did he look at the camera to say that? Does he want me to shout back, "Yes, I agree!"?
24) Oh for f***'s sake, I give up. (Storms out of theater.)