Catharsis

Rating: 1/10 (22 March 2016)

This is the first time I've ever posted a review on this site but as a long time SW fan I just felt compelled. Mostly because people keep telling me how good they thought the film was. And so as an alternative to punching some of my friends in the face I've come to vent my anger here. Because really what the f**k was that?
Right from the start with the scrolling text I started having a bad feeling (pun intended), because they basically start by invalidating all of the previous movies. Luke, Leia and Han defeated the empire/emperor in the first movies? Doesn't matter, in just a few years an even more evil empire with an even more evil emperor shows up from out of nowhere (with no attempt to connect it to previous Star Wars mythology such as Admiral Thawn or Mara Jade or any of it as far as i can tell). Nobody is sure how or just what the hell they've all been doing in the meantime.
The resistance...is still the resistance. Didn't they win they war? Shouldn't they have been legitimized by the newly created Republic and be an actual army now? Shouldn't Leia actually be a part of said Republic? We don't care, we're going to blow them all up with our uber Death Star anyway.
Luke Skywalker, the prophesied hero and bringer of balance to the force...decided to go on sabbatical instead. Because after defeating a galactic empire and his own father...he just couldn't battle depression. But that's all okay, because the movie is starting!
After that they start with the full on rip off -> _desperate resistance member is being chased by shadowy and armored force user but manages to hide secret plans in a droid : check. (only this time the only direction the droid is given to go with the galaxy-changing uber secret plans is "you get as far away from here as you can",which is kind of vague in my opinion, at least R2 had a name to go on)
_ droid somehow finds a force-sensitive orphan living on a desert planet (and I mean really? a desert again?): check
_ the droid and orphan acquire an entourage of interesting friends and set out on a mission to find the resistance and save the galaxy by defeating the nazi-like evil empire: check
You know what? I could go on but I won't because this is depressing,I'll just touch on a few salient points:
_ the Supreme ruler Snoke? Snoke? Wtf? The name of the super evil bad guy is Snoke? After Darth Vader, Darth Sidious or the ominous Emperor, we get Snoke? Also, actually showing his face (as weird as it is) in the first movie? Fail.
_Kylo Ren...is kind of a pussy. Omitting the fact that as soon as he took off his helmet he stopped being any kind of scary. I just can't push the scene out of my head in which he is given bad news by a young officer and everyone expects him, in classic Vader fashion, to squeeze the life out of said young officer. But instead he very dramatically...destroys a computer console. There's that Sith rage we all know, Ipads watch out, you're next.
_Was anyone actually surprised when Han gets killed after stepping on yet another thin bridge over a huge chasm? Has there ever been a scene in any movie with a bridge like that and someone not fall in?
_The uber death star (or whatever they're calling it)...really? Again? I mean they're not even trying to hide it by this point.
All in all, this film was an insult. When Disney picked up the franchise, I, like many others, managed to convince myself through self-delusion that they wouldn't completely f**k it up, couldn't really. I told myself that whatever they came up with it would be enjoyable because it would be a new piece of SW mythology, good or bad it would be something more. But somehow they managed not to incorporate a single new theme or character that isn't a direct copy/paste of the first movies. Not one.
The saddest part of all of this of course is this was a demonstration of the kind of minds that are at work creating the next SW movies: unoriginal, safe and ultimately stale. What a momentous waste.