It can't get any worse... or can it?

Rating: 1/10 (14 April 2016)

There were good Star Wars... there were bad Star Wars... Some of them had deep story, characters, created the franchise and good memories, some of them left a bitter aftertaste of characters, but at least had droids, CGI, action... some semblance of a plot.
I hated this episode ever since I saw the first teaser. I felt like I've seen everything - dumbed down droid design, token black character for comic relief, some desert planet with oral exposition of empire tech, and that sword... that terrible sword...
What I read afterwards was not good either, people claimed that this is a straight copy of A New Hope, that they are rebooting it without anything new.
Thank *****y and thank goodness I didn't have to pay for seeing this mess, because what I saw... was worse, far worse than anything I have expected.
First of all, there is NO story. Whatsoever. If previous six episodes taught us about Jedi\Sith\Force\Politics, then you will not see anything like this here. Force? A Myth. Politics? Outright Nazi who destroy a bunch of good innocent planets in one swipe. Sith? Gone. Jedi? Gone.
There is no plot either. Everything you see here - you have seen before. Desert, robots, various aliens, stormtroopers with 10% accuracy, evil guys, good guys, rebel bases, death stars... Hell, prequels brought some evil plots, some droids. Even politics were more or less resonant. Definitely better than "Es ist Zeit für Rache! Wir müssen die Rebels ausrotten!" (Everyone raises their left had)
There aren't any characters either. There's some old No-bi Wan that dies right away, some, as better people have said, "butthole-eyed" female Yoda and a fancy token protagonist Poe the Dragon Warrior.. I mean the best pilot in the galaxy. Some toilet-cleaning black storm trooper, who really is out there for himself and for the **ssy, gets shocked in his first fight, is sent to reprobation and, well, allowed access to the precious prisoner. Oh, he also knows a great deal about the Death Pokeball, the new Death Star, so he is very useful to the "plot". Ah, of course, there are also three well-paid fossils to eye***k the nostalgic fans. Although they do feel faker than Jar Jar. I mean, really, Han solo doesn't know how to fly his ship, is surprised at the wookie crossbow. He doesn't even shoot first...
I feel like I've forgotten something... Oh, yes, the daughter of Luke, what was her name... She's just a perfectly bodied healthy under-fed genius scavenger turns pilot turns jedi turns force master etc. Nothing is known where she came from, how she lived, only that she waits for her family and that her family, apparently, is Luke. Aside from her godhood, she also serves as a perpetual damsel in distress, bringing great shame to the strong female characters of both trilogies, so just **ck her, I don't know why I even remembered her.
The names in the movie feel like a cheap comedy. Rey, Finn, Kylo Ren, Snoke, Poe... that's actually all the names you'll hear. Snoke... is it a combination of Snuff and Coke? Because the guy really looks like he's an addict of both. Remember the names Anakin? Obi-Wan? Qui-gon? Padme? Amedala? Palpatine? Vader? I guess they needed names that did not require much... pronounciation.
After all that, one can at least expect some... CGI eye-candy? No, not really. We've seen great sword-battles, we've seen great space battles, but TFA doesn't have either. I don't have to mention that the janitor storm trooper has Han Solo+ accuracy and fights with a lightsaber better than the old Vader, that Rey fights better than Luke, who was training with Yoda and on his own, and Rey apparently is also a master of the force, capable of Jedi mind trick on a second try and capable of casting Protego when under Legilimens. Seriously, you are a wizard, HarRey.
And, if anyone doubts that there is nothing new in the plot, then here's the rundown: Desert planet>Captured by bad guys>Escaped from the bad guys>Escaped from the bad guys again on the Falcon>Some planets are blown up>Traveled to Rebel base>Planned to destroy the Death Pokeball by disabling shields and destroying a video-game weak spot>Rey escapes custody and Obiwans around the evil base>Father and Son meet>Good guys win after one ship flies in some small hole and blows stuff up.
I am usually a tolerant person. I hate many movies, I hate reboots the most. But of all the reboots, of all the horrors of the money-milking, false advertising and generally **cking people up - this comes out on top. The greatest franchise of America... ruined by Disney. I can't believe this studio has previously created POTC trilogy.
So, well, here's the 1\10 for a change. Because the movie destroys the franchise, has no redeeming qualities, no memorable moments or CGEyecandy, nothing. It's as hollow, empty, copy-pasting as it gets.
I wish I could say that it's always better to have at least some movie in the franchise, some revitalization, I know it's pointless to hope for a good movie nowadays. But... SW7 is not even suitable for an exception.
What was so hard about making an original movie? Or a movie about the Old Republic? Games have created a ton of material, and I bet fans would die drooling if they see Revan live-action. But I guess a Revan-ish mask on a teenager who has more issues than Anakin in Clone Wars, who has just unlocked a CS:GO weapon skin - should suffice. For 8\10 population, it seems. Remember when a lightsaber was an advanced weapon of a civilized age? Now it's either Disney weapon skin for the bad guy, or a huge *ildo for the good guy...