Star Wars A New Hope: Disney 2015 Edition

Rating: 3/10 (26 January 2016)

Being episode 7, some would argue that Star wars The Force Awakens has a lot to live up to. I would argue no, the prequels did, and critics were not kind. Fans begged for things to be like the original trilogy again, relentless in their hate of episodes I-III, the ground was fertile for some throwbacks to the original star wars films.
But not this many
JJ Abrams appears to have been so set on appealing to popular opinion that he forgot to write a story! And build characters. This is a loud, flashy film, it's exciting to watch in theaters, and get's full points for it's incredible visuals and general cool stuff with space ships and such. I can't help but be dismayed when I hear that nobody is looking past this fluff and digging into the meat of what this is supposed to be: The 7th episode of an almost 40 year old epic saga. In this regard, The Force Awakens is a jaw dropping failure. If you enjoyed the film and are not open to criticism, stop reading here, for as the great Sith Dark Sidious once said with an ear to ear grin "There is no mercy!"
There is no character development in this film. That, and the backstory that we do get makes no sense for the characters that are supposed to have them. It's completely unbelievable. Without giving away specifics, I can tell you all that there is a new Han Luke and Leia, but this crew would be better suited to a crappy sitcom on the Disney channel! These supposed battle hardened individuals are cracking jokes like it's fekking corey in the house while their friends and allies and they themselves are in precarious situations which should be provoking a more believable reaction!!! We don't get one scene with all 3 of these main characters together, though, because that would mean they actually had to write some FEKKING DIALOGUE. Oh well, as long as they appeal to 2015's tastes with do it all mary sue superwoman, good guy greg token black guy with a sense of humor, and physics defying crack jokes while his friends and allies die around him lovable ace pilot, IT'S ALL GOOD. Sounds like a joke, but with the ratings this movie is getting...oh god I want to kill myself but I must go on...
Everyone remembers the music from the original trilogy. The films often slowed down and stopped to let us bask in the radiance of it's beautiful score. Luke looking out to the horizon, knowing he wanted to be so much more... These moments, many would argue, grew to define the feel of Star Wars. In an age of quick cuts and disgusting abuse of special effects, The Force Awakens does not live up to this legacy. This is an incredibly loud movie, action packed, so much so that you can barely hear the music in the background! There are a few moments where we hear the original score, and it's nice, but the prequels produced awesome new songs, and episode 7 has not one hit to call it's own.
I could live with bad characters. I could even live with bad music. I could definitely live with less special effects fluff. There is one thing that if terrible breaks any film, though, and that is the story. The Force Awakens is a scene for scene rip off of A New Hope, and not in a good way. When I say scene for scene, I am not exaggerating. The storyboards would look identical for over 80% of the film. Imagine, making changes to a story just to accommodate fan service, bringing characters together with little to no explanation at impossible odds to save time, having the exact same plot as A New Hope with no differences other than everything is bigger! Ridiculous events are forced to occur to tie up lose ends. There really isn't much to say about the story without giving away spoilers, but the most angering part of all this is how much JJ abrams poops on the lore of star wars. Everything is too easy for everyone in this film, it lessens the value of the struggles in the original Star Wars movies! The Force Awakens is like that kid from elementary school who was always trying to 1up people's stories. "Oh yeah, you ate 10 sour patch at once? I've eaten 100 sour patch at once, and my brother ate 200 sour patch at once, and his girlfriend's dog ate 500 sour patch at once, and they said it was easy".
If I could summarize this movie in as short a space as possible, I'd call it one big piece of nice looking fluff with the most hype generation in history. The Force Awakens get's a well deserved 3/10, and when I write my spoiler review, I may become less generous than that! One important thing to remember about this film is that no matter what Disney produced for us under this name, it would have made this much money and been this successful. Even if critics hated The Force Awakens, and it got under 50% on all the major sites, families worldwide would still be lining up to see the new star wars movie. I detest this film and I've seen it twice in theaters. Had to go with friends, had to go with family, it's almost religious. Walking away from this review, I want you to picture episode 7 as a super hot blond chick in highschool. She's so pretty, and everyone likes her, so nobody wants to point out that she doesn't know what a tan is when she has one! In other words, all this broad has got is looks, she's a terrible person. The Force Awakens is a terrible person.
Amen