Why I hated 'The Force Awakens.' ( mega-spoilers ahead )

Rating: 3/10 (19 January 2016)

If J.J. Abrams had stopped making sequels for 5 minutes, he might have read about how it was George Lucas's adherence to classical story-telling that helped make Episode IV so great. But then Abrams would have had to have accepted that story counts in movies. And having seen 'Cloverfield,' I have my doubts.
What do I mean by classical story-telling? Basically, a man named George Campbell wrote a book that Lucas credited, in part, for the great success of the original 'Star Wars' film. Lucas essentially maps his protagonist's trials to those of a hundred other protagonists before him, as described in ancient mythology. Lucas just added spaceships.
And obviously, a whole lot more.
George Lucas painted an entrancing tapestry of outer space and other worlds, filled with enticing characters and palpable menace. And more, it wasn't just ancient mythology Lucas was mapping to the sci-fi genre, but a uniquely American mythology: Luke was a farm boy who felt too much familial obligation to get involved in a global conflict -- until it hit home. Shades of Pearl Harbor. Obi Wan Kenobi, the war-weary mentor urging Luke to take up the fight is reminiscent of Churchill's campaign to bring America in to WWII. The technically-superior horde of storm troopers in bucket helmets seizing territory by force was undeniably inspired by Nazi Germany and the blitzkrieg. These stories aren't just in our blood as humans, they're in our blood as Americans.
But 'The Force Awakens' is bloodless. It maps to no particular struggle, narrative or theme that anyone could point to. It is magnificently -- almost criminally -- unimaginative.
Sure it's always fun to see the band get back together: Luke. Leia. Solo. Chewie. Yay! Let's take the Millennium Falcon out for a spin like old times!
Yeah, but then what?
And look, I'm not saying that a new installment would have to embrace age-old mythological themes or be particularly analogous to something important to be an effective film. But if it's not, you better do way better than 'The Force Awakens.'
First, isn't the Force already awake? I mean come on, the force helped defeat the Empire, baby! Not, what, 30 odd years ago?
And can someone please remind me what we were all cheering for at the end of 'Jedi'? The Empire was defeated! The Alliance won! Would that not have led to a golden age for the Light side of the Force? Why would Han Solo, HERO of the Rebel Alliance have ever gone back to smuggling? That would be like if George Washington, after winning the Revolutionary War got busted down to private. Wouldn't Solo and Leia have become awesome, democratically-elected governors of whole sectors of the Galaxy? Maybe living the high-life back at Cloud City? I mean what was the whole point if you're just going to let some new pack of fascists get a crack at galactic domination?
"First Order," indeed. God, I'd like to meet the dill-weed who wrote that tripe.
The characters:
Rey seems like a nice girl. But her ambitions don't seem to encompass much of anything beyond eating more instant cupcakes. We know Skywalker dreamed of bigger things because he kept going on about it. And there was a scene that lingered on him as he dreamily watches the suns set. Rey seems motivated by little more than survival and circumstance. Later, we're asked to believe that she could physically defeat a guy who can freeze laser beams in mid air. He would have popped her head like a Concorde grape and walked off filing his nails. Somewhere in the middle of that scene I wanted to raise 3 fingers in the air and do the Mocking Jay whistle. Ugh.
Poe Dameron ( Oscar Isaac's character ). Okay! The rebel cause goes on. Ya-ay? You know you guys had this fight won not 30 years ago, though, right? And here you idiots are still flying used X-Wing fighters around and getting your asses handed to you by men in capes. I think I would have become a bounty hunter at this point.
Finn. This was the film's one opportunity to create an interesting plot point and they mostly blew it. What? This is the first storm trooper to get a little blood on his helmet? Why is Finn the one to suddenly break ranks? Why do I care? Who is Finn and why do I give a sh!t? Never mind, look, there's Han Solo!
Kylo Ren. Wait. What? This is the bad-guy's name? Kylo Ren?!? Our last arch antagonist's name was just a couple letters away from being 'Dark Invader,' or 'Earth Raider.' Kylo Ren sounds like a character from Spongebob Squarepants. Regardless, Han Solo and Princess Leia turn out to be the worst parents in the galaxy because they manage to raise a neo-fascist boy-band member who likes to wear a mask for no reason. He pouts, he struts, he chops up control panels with his light saber in fits of pique. Seriously, who cares?
I'm speaking in terms of the characters mainly because the major plot points escape me. Ever notice how a good story stays with you? Suffice to say, Rey meets Finn and his robot or something after he and Poe escape from the First Order, blah-blah hook up with Han Solo, blah-blah, fly around, double back, get advice from a human gerbil, blah-blah, Solo killed, Rey and Kylo duel, blah-blah, cue the Death Star, boom! boom! Skywalker cameo.
The visuals are all top notch, but in the age of video games that look like Halo, nobody's impressed by effects any more. You gotta have a compelling story, J.J.
And Han shot first.