The Force Sucks

Rating: 5/10 (19 December 2015)

Let me start off by saying that I am a huge Star Wars fan, and I couldn't have been more excited to watch this movie. The original trilogy was a masterpiece (other than the second half of Return of the Jedi, but that's a discussion for another time). Episodes 1-3 were a disappointment to say the least, but I was a kid when I saw them so they didn't seem all that bad at the time. Now, of course, I can see through the cracks, and the cracks in this new start, to the new trilogy, has some mighty big ones. Let's explore some of them. And in case you didn't see the "contains spoilers warning", I will warn you once again. This will contain a ton of spoilers. Let's begin.
Remember the first Star Wars movie? You know, the one where a droid contains important information that must reach the rebels? Remember when the storm troopers came and blew everything up and killed everybody, but one of the main good guys managed to get the droid to escape the carnage and reach another one of our main characters on a desert planet? Remember when that main character didn't understand the importance of what the droid carried, and didn't quite care about it until they knew what it possessed? Remember that character who hooks up with the droid, contains vast engineering knowledge and happens to also be a great pilot who has a strong connection to the force? Remember when the main character has to get the droid to safety then the storm troopers come looking for it? Remember when the main girl and the main guy have an attraction to each other but choose not to fully go for it? Remember when the girl is held captive by the bad guys, and they are trying to extract information from her about the information the droid contains, but the good guys come to rescue her? Remember the main weapon that had the ability to destroy planets? Remember when the good guys find a lone weakness in the massive weapon that can destroy it, by using a fleet of X-wing fighters that have to fly through a narrow trench in order to get to it? All of these things occur in this "new" installment. Other than the fact that this film virtually follows the same exact formula as the original Star Wars, it is flat-out lousy. Yes, lousy. What is the main problem with this movie, you may ask? Remember that feeling you got after you finished watching one of the original three movies? That feeling that caused you to love it and keep loving it, and want to be a fan. That feeling is absent in this movie. What could have contributed to this lack of feeling? The new characters...sucked. The comedy that the writers and the director tried to employ...sucked. The plot points were not only predictable, but they also...wait for it...sucked!!! Even the music sucked! In a Star Wars movie?! Sounds impossible right? Well, the guy who directed Mission Impossible 3, certainly made this impossibility possible. I know I'm going through this all very quickly and without much reasoning or exposition to explain all the things that went wrong with this movie, but if Star Wars: The Force Awakens refuses to do it, then why should I?
Everyone is going to talk about the scene when Rey pulls the Jedi mind trick completely out of her ass on the storm trooper. This scene bothered me more than you can ever know. We're probably going to find out that she's related to Luke Skywalker in some sort of stupid way, further on in the series and that is why there are so many similarities between the two. But none of that crap matters in this case. When Luke eventually pulls the Jedi mind trick on someone, he didn't just conjure it up out of thin air. Obi-wan Kenobe taught him how to do it. That's why it makes sense when he does it. Rey, over here with her newly found powers (that she suddenly decides to use when she gets captured), just flat-out decides to use a Jedi mind trick on a storm trooper. Did she witness this trick before? No. Was she ever taught how to use this trick? No. Had she ever attempted this trick before? No. So why was it used? Because the writers and director thought it would be funny. That is the only reason I can think of, because they do in fact turn this scene into one of humor. Stupid. Just-STUPID! But not as stupid as having the character Finn (who has never used a light saber before in his whole life) to suddenly use a light saber against Kylo Ren (a dude who has been using a light saber his whole life) and hold his own. Stupid. Makes no sense. I'm sure I sound like a nit-picking jerk by bringing up some of the things that may or may not make a difference in the grand scheme of things, but it's difficult to deny that these dumb little things do in fact exist. For all of the many other problems I have with this movie, I'm still giving it a 5 out of 10 instead of a 3 because I'm still a Star Wars fan and I still have hope for what's to come after this. I still have hope that I can get that feeling back that the old Star Wars trilogy provided me with.