Steaming pile of Bantha droppings, just plain awful.

Rating: 1/10 (11 January 2016)

Oh dear dear me. I wanted to like this film, I tried, I really did, I actually went into the cinema with an open mind, after hearing my friends rave about how good this film was supposed to be. I am very "old school" when it comes to "Star Wars", I was brought up on the three original movies, and like anyone born in 1970, I do appreciate that the fact I love them now is down to a massive dose of nostalgia. I hated the prequels and consider them an insult to the original concept, but also, again appreciate that fans are very divided about this issue. But I heard good things about TFA, friends told me everything was back in place, and I started to maybe think that my initial cynicism when the trailers came out was completely unfounded. So I put my dark thoughts aside and went to see this latest treat with an open mind, a degree of excitement, and a very clear head (I'm doing Dry January). Well, what can I say, from the minute we observed the old guy handing over the secret thing to whatshisface (Poe), I had already sighed audibly and was itching to leave for a cigarette. Cue explosions and stormtroopers and random "villagers" being shot, and a droid whizzing off to deliver the secret thing to whoever because Luke SKYWALKER has gone missing. Or did we find that out later?? I don't know. And quite frankly, I didn't care... And so it went on,
I did like the Star Destroyer and ATAT wrecks on the desert planet,(Rey lives in a crashed walker, COOL!!) nice touch, and "Bartertown" was like any grungy festival I have ever been to, but....
A lone scruffy teenager who finds a droid who is obviously Special ( I quite liked BB8, I confess I found him cute) excruciatingly bad wooden acting from Daisy Ridley, I had no affection for the character at all, she annoyed the living daylights out of me (and that's being polite). A storm trooper who defects for no apparent reason, Oh look there's the Millennium Falcon (I quite liked that bit, brought a tear to my eye) And bless me, Han Solo turns up, a shadow of his former self, and why hasn't Chewie gone GREY??? All that nonsense with the ridiculous tentacle blob creatures, some Scottish Ninja lover who Han owes money to?? WTF, I've lost the will to live. And the Dark Side, they have this immature kid with a helmet who likes smashing things and has his grandfather DARTH VADER's mask sitting on the cistern of his toilet, I mean behind his throne of ULTIMATE ANGST. I was absolutely wetting myself laughing and during his little speech I had visions of him reaching for some Andrex. I just could not take this film seriously. The Nazi rally had me howling and pulling my Star Wars Christmas jumper up over my face to muffle the sound of my laughter. And who the HELL is Snoke?? The Supreme Being, the super magic man???.. Jesus Christ, I now know why I DRINK!!! For the love of all that is Holy, I heartily recommend that you don't watch this film unless completed loaded on whisky... And laters,I lost it when E.T.'s granny turned up in yet another Cantina style bar thing, and when she reached out her bony little finger, I'm afraid I went "Phone Home" a little too audibly whilst slapping my friend's leg a lot. I believe the poor guy may be bruised this morning. Oh look, Leia turns up and that was an anti-climax, hardly worth her being there. The references to Han and Leia's son made me want to barf, and SPOILER ALERT...Kylo Ren looks like neither of them. Maybe Leia's affair will come out in episode 20, or something. The icing on the cake has to be the Starkiller.... MEGA Death Star number THREE (Yawn), What the actual.....?? Five planets at a go, or were they satellites, but who cares, how monumentally cheesy and "Star Trek". Now I have a good grasp of Astronomy and am always willing to suspend disbelief but that Galaxy far away has too many darn planets too darn close and oh well...mutter.
I actually was wanting to leave the cinema well before halfway time, what a tedious film, recycled ideas, nothing new or anything to pique interest. Captain Phasma would have been great, but WTF, three scenes was it, and only a few lines. I was EXCITED about the prospect of a female wrong 'un, but no, just an excuse to sell more plastic tat to kids. I could go on, briefly I will. Rey, "just like that" learns to use the Force and then she whips Kylo's rump good and proper?? Really?? And she's on stone soup and half a loaf of reconstituted bread a day?? Whatever
SPOILER ALERT The best thing about this film was Han being killed by his son, and my friend and I both conjectured later that he is "Bring back able"
Bla blah blah. And then the Starkiller blew up and Rey went off to find Daddy.... I mean Luke (Surely not, far too obvious, but hey...) And she stood on a cliff forever holding out his lightsaber,
Best quote of the ENTIRE film.. "I didn't know there was this much green in the whole Galaxy" (Rey, upon seeing trees and moss and rolling hills, as opposed to endless dry desert) I'm afraid I laughed at that as well as Cheech and Chong jokes were rolling through my mind.. And I needed a stiff drink after that utter bilge, but no...Coffee sufficed.
I will never get those two hours of my life back.....