Not too long, long ago in a galaxy not too far, far away... two guys, Larry and JJ, were sitting in an office trying to write a script...

Rating: 6/10 (28 January 2016)

JJ: I just can't crack the script, Larry. I can't. Suddenly there is a knock at the door: it's George Lucas. GEORGE: Hey, guys, I have an idea- JJ: Not now, Georgie boy
George Lucas exits. JJ: So what am I doing wrong here, Larry? LARRY: You're approaching it the wrong way, Jj. What I propose is we essentially rewrite the first movie Georgie boy made back in '77. JJ: He will be very annoyed if we do LARRY: Who cares – he lost his rights to be annoyed when he sold to Disney. Retooling the first movie is the way to go, I'm telling you. JJ: it's a revolutionary thought, Larry – do you think it can work? LARRY: Duh, yes! But we must update it for the 21st century, addressing all those aspects that annoyed people back in the day. For example, let's have another Luke Skywalker type character going on a hero's journey, but this time we will make her female.
JJ: That will bring in the ladies! LARRY: Yes and we can really pander to them by having her remarking that no one needs to be holding her hand and pulling her out of danger! They will like that! And she can have latent Jedi powers JJ: Oh, my - toy sales will be doubled! LARRY: What's another common complaint? The lack of black people. The one black guy there is, well, he betrays Han Solo. So let's make the second major character in the movie black. Let's make him a Stormtrooper but a good one. He's basically gone rogue JJ: And that Poe Dameron guy we discussed – he can be our new Han Solo! LARRY: But didn't you say you want to bring Harrison back? JJ: Oh shoot Yeah you're right! I guess we can just have Poe disappear off the screen until Solo dies? People won't notice it cos they will be so caught up in the magic of Star Wars! What about a villain? LARRY: Easy – we will just conjure up another masked Darth Vader type. Might be a good idea if they want to make a prequel trilogy further down the line showing his origins. He will be part of a sinister movement like the Empire
JJ: I know - The First Order!!! LARRY: Brilliant! But where will they come from and how do they get to power – considering the evil has been vanquished at the end of Return of the Jedi? JJ: Larry, we don't need to explain all that – the magic of Star Wars, remember. People will be so caught up in the space battles they won't even question it. But we will need a poignant Obi Wan-type death sequence moment LARRY: Here's what we could do: make this masked villain Han Solo's son and and he could be the one who kills Solo! There's your poignant death scene just like the first one! JJ: That's astounding! I'm tearing up here right now just thinking about it! LARRY: Where exactly will Luke Skywalker fit into all this? JJ: We can have him being a hermit on an island at the end. The plot could be about a map inside a cute little R2D2 type robot and they're trying to find it.
LARRY: Find the map and they find Luke Skywalker! Yes! But why does he leave a map to his location? JJ: Who cares – that's the magic of Star Wars! We can explain it in the next one! LARRY: And if you're putting another robot into this, what will we do with R2D2? JJ: Good question I guess we could put him asleep in the corner? As in on standby? LARRY: For the entire movie? JJ: Yeah, why not. People won't even question it
LARRY: This First Order group is going to need another massive weapon... JJ: What about another Death Star-type thing? LARRY: Is that not a bit similar, though? JJ: Well, Georgie boy got away with using the Death Star twice, so surely we can too? But it can be much bigger. They could have actually hollowed out a planet this time. LARRY: Good idea. I still feel we need another black actor somewhere in the mix. But it must be a respected one. JJ: But who can they play? All the human roles are taken! LARRY: You're not thinking outside the box, Jj! What about having a brand new Yoda type character created through CGI? I think the story will need it, anyhow. He or she could play that? JJ: But what's the point in casting a respectable actor and then obscuring them by CGI? That makes no sense. LARRY: But an extra ethnic actor's name will look good in the cast list! JJ: You know what, you're right!
LARRY: We've yet to sort out the Princess Leia character JJ: Stick her in some of the tactical scenes, doing the same stuff she did in the first trilogy. That'll take care of her. LARRY: And the whole movie could end in a climatic light-saber battle where the heroine fights the lead villain JJ: What will the ex-storm trooper be doing during all this? LARRY: He can get injured and be unconscious JJ: But shouldn't he pick up the light-saber too? LARRY: No – he's a Stormtrooper, silly! JJ: But if we go to all this trouble of putting in a black lead, people will complain that the black man still doesn't get to handle the Light-saber at the end of the movie LARRY: Sam Jackson did in the prequels JJ: But he was a Jedi! LARRY: Jj, you are right! Granted, it won't make any sense in the context of the story, but you're right! Let's have him pick up the light-saber and engage in battle! That's how he gets injured!
JJ: I think we have the makings of a blockbuster, Larry!!! Let's go out and throw tennis balls at George to celebrate!