Star Wars: The Force Awakens... again

Rating: 7/10 (18 January 2016)

SPOILER ALERT! If you are one of the ten people who have not yet seen Star Wars: The Force Awakens, stop reading now. If you are one of the three people who have never seen Star Wars at all, this movie will leave you seriously wondering what just happened.
You have been warned. Discussion begins in 3... 2... 1....
Okay, "Awakens" is a lot of fun to watch, and probably worth watching twice. But don't expect a single original thing in the entire movie. What you will find instead:
* A desert waif by the name of Luke... uh... I mean Rey... who despite living on the edge of survival in the middle of a desert still looks like a supermodel, falls in with a droid named R2D2... I mean BB-8... that shows the desert waif some top secret information. (This plot line is about as original as a Star Trek movie.)
* Rey, has been abandoned by her parents (there's a twist!), and we have no idea who her father is (coughLukeSkywalkercough) and she has no idea she is very strong in the force, and we of course have no idea why that is the case (coughLukeSkywalker'sdaughterrcough).
* He... SHE... goes into a space bar on Tatooine... I mean whatever planet it is this time, where a fight ensues (honest!... a bar fight) and in which Han Solo did not shoot first (probably because he wasn't there this time yet, but he shoots a whole lot later on).
* Our desert-waif meets Yoda... uh... no... Maz Kanata (wow, this does get perplexing)... a tiny, small-eyed wise person who tries to help start her path to the Force but who fails because Rey gets distracted and upset (cough justlikeherfatherLuke cough). Sorry if this is repetitious. Just setting the mood.
* When the space bar is raided by Clone Troopers.. uh... Storm Troopers... she narrowly escapes on a junky spacecraft named The Millennium Falcon (no seriously, she really does) so that she can get R2... BB-8, who is carrying top secret information, (that she tells like everyone she meets what it is) to the Rebel Alliance-- evidently for the sole plot purpose of allowing the Death Star... I mean... DeathMOON (really, an actual moon this time) to track them and wipe out five planets with a single blast. (Hmmm maybe Rey is Leia's long lost orphan daughter instead.) Because other than that, there really is no reason at all the Rebel Alliance needs that information. I mean, who really gives a rat's behind about WhineyWalker's whereabouts anyways?
* There is a really bad guy named Darth Va... er... Kylo Ren... (who has a father/son relationship with one of the main heroes. Seriously, I'm not kidding) and he wears a black mask and talks in an odd voice and wears a black suit (but he really isn't Darth Vader honest). He does a lot of bad things and blows up planets but his light sabre looks like a cross instead of a single blade so he's not Darth Vader. Okay?
* The DeathStar... DeathMOON is a huge super-weapon that can only be destroyed by shooting an amazingly unprotected and wide-open thingy in the side that, if only a few dozen X-wing fighters attack it, will cause a chain reaction and the entire place will blow up. Because DeathThingy engineers are total idiots.
* During the battles, Kylo Ren... who was a former student of Obi Wan Ke... Luke Skywalker... but then turned into a bad guy... kills Obi Wan... I mean ... well he kills someone really important. The dead body falls down a really, really, really deep shaft that looks amazingly similar to the one that The Emperor fell down (no... that Darth Maul fell down... no, that Luke fell down... okay ALL of them). Anyway it's a neat effect. Again.
* So when everything gets blown up and the DeathMoon basically turns into a supernova but none of the escaping X-wing fighters are caught in the blast... everyone goes home and has a party. Except then there's an ending that leaves us hanging for part 2. Which is really part 8. Because in charge of plot development, Yoda is.
There is much more that I could review, but for a full plot synopsis of this movie you can watch Star Wars episodes 1-6. There's not much here that wasn't in those already.
Except Obi Wan... I mean Max Von Sydow... uh... someone we don't know who he is at all... gets killed really early in this one (kinda like a ship Captain in the 1st / 4th movie). But it's Kylo doing the killing this time, not Vader. Really, it's easy to get them confused. Kylo's the one without the breathing problem. He's just the one with the whiney problem that he got from his uncle Luke.
Go see it! It's all brand new and exciting. George Lucas didn't write this one. Well, he did write the original scripts, which Disney Inc. kinda borrowed from. A LOT.
At least the DeathMoon blows up a lot better. That alone is worth several rating stars.
(Now let's watch the ratings of this review and see just how much hard-core Star Wars fans are able to poke fun at their favorite franchise. I'm guessing not much. "OH BEST MOVIE EVER!")
--o--