Apparently the fourth highest-grossing film of all time... Why?

Rating: 2/10 (28 December 2019)

So after many years I finally decided to watch this movie and when it was over I just had to breath. What the ... did I just watch? It's one of those movies that just makes me want to write a review just to share my pain and warn others who haven't watched the movie yet to just keep ignoring it. At the end I made a list of dumb moments because unlike others I'm not someone who forgets what just happened 5 minutes ago, a.k.a. the average fan Disney feeds this schlock to.
So to keep this review "short" (turned out not to be so short in the end) I will just point things out that I have noticed in a list:
1. So the Millennium Falcon just happens to be on Jakku. Because "HEY LOOK! IT'S THE MILLENNIUM FALCON!" Rey and Fin escape and like an hour later (in movie time) Han and Chewie just happen to find them like they were "just at the right place in the galaxy at the right time". They later explain this is because "They were easy to track, just imagine what would've happened if the First Order found you first." Then why DIDN'T the First Order find them first with the vast amount of resources at their disposal? No, apparently an elderly man and his aging dog-man find them because "HEY LOOK! IT'S HAN AND CHEWIE!"
2. That frigging Star Killer base. First of all, how was this base so secretly built when it appears to have been right in the neighborhood of the Republic home worlds? Then the whole scene when it destroyed those planets was just slapped into the movie like

"Ok, Han, Fin and Rey are now on this planet... what can happen?"
"I know, let's use the Star Killer base and let it destroy some stuff so everyone knows that the First Order is BAD, it can even be seen from the secret hideout planet our main cast is on with the naked eye because why not?"

Later it's explained that it needs the sun to charge and fire. Okay, but then how does it fire again when the sun is depleted? Does it have engines to move around in space? Why doesn't the whole ecological system of the planet go nuts when the sun is suddenly gone? And why does it have a shield that can be easily penetrated by any ship capable of faster than light travel... you know, ANY ship in the Star Wars universe? The resistance shows up at the base with what feels like 15 X-Wing's piloted by emotionless buffoons. "HEY LOOK, LIGHTSABERS!"
3. Apparently Rey is great at everything. For being raised as a scavenger on a lone desert planet she can fly ships, use hand guns with impressive accuracy, fight and win with a lightsaber against someone who had years more experience than her, use the force to mind-trick people when she feels like it AND just happened to find Luke's lightsaber in a dusty old box by pure luck after walking into some shady bar and hearing a baby cry. What the ...?
4. When Chewie, Fin and Han get captured by the First Order on the forested hideout planet they get instantly rescued by the resistance. "HEY LOOK, X-WINGS!" Han meets Leia after many years yet both characters lack any emotion. They just hug each other, not even a kiss even though they are supposed to be a couple. All these characters in the movie feel just as lifeless and dead inside as the people who made this film were in reality.
5. Poe meets Fin at the resistance outpost after he was supposedly killed in the crash landing on Jakku at the beginning of the movie. The only explanation given how he survived was literally just "I woke up at night, no ship, you were gone... but BB-8 just told me you completed my mission, good boy!" What in the holy mother of god kind of explanation is that? I still don't know how he got off that planet. Last thing we saw was that the First Order destroyed everything on Jakku, ships, encampments, equipment... did he just hitchhike back to the resistance base and then be at the hideout planet in just the right time to rescue Fin and company? Yeah... no.
6. You want me to believe Captain Phasma, this super hardcore storm trooper captain, just deactivated the shield of the super important Star Killer base thing after Fin and Han told her so while pointing a gun to her head? I expected her to tell them "Go F' yourselves, kill me and you will never disable those shields!" but she just does it. Rey wasn't in the scene so a possible mind trick of Phasma by her is impossible. The scene ends with a forced reference to A New Hope.
7. Han Solo dies and Fin and Rey CRY like they've known him for years and not just a few hours. I guess he was "Rey's father she never had"... Okay? This guy she just met and had a boring adventure or two with is now a father substitute for her all of the sudden? All they did was scream at each other while trying to survive one thing after the other. Guess Han offered Rey a job at one point and she was excited? Nah, I don't buy it, they cry because all the man babies in the cinema were crying and so Rey could have an emotional moment when she was fighting Kylo Ren a moment later. "HEY LOOK, HAN SOLO IS DEAD! LIGHTSABERS!"
8. BB-8 randomly removes a piece of cloth from a deactivated R2D2 in a scene for no reason. C3PO tells him some stuff about Luke but who cares, not even a minute later the scene is already over. At the end of the movie R2D2, for some reason, comes back to life and is then used as a deus ex machina so the resistance can have the entire map to Luke's whereabouts because the creators forgot that they basically destroyed all the other important map parts the First Order had with the Star Killer base. I guess this is why the first scene with R2D2 felt so out of place, like it was added late in production when the makers had no idea how the resistance could now find Luke without the First Order maps.
9. Then at the last minute Rey travels in not even a minute of hyperspace to where Luke is hiding in a desperate attempt to mimic Luke's plot to find Yoda in the original trilogy. She finds him and BOOM, the movie's finally over. What an anticlimactic ending. What a relief. "HEY LOOK, IT'S LUKE!"
Oh boy, this is getting too long for my taste so I'm stopping here. I'm planning on watching the other two movies as well but I definitely won't review them like I did this one or else I would still be typing by tomorrow seeing how this was supposed to be the "best one" of the trilogy. I will just leave my star for them and go on my merry way.
When people told me these movies were made for stupid people I couldn't believe them, that they would be that bad but after watching this "thing" myself all I can say is that humanity is heading in the right path for extinction.