Star Wars: episode whatever; The Force Can't be Arsed.

Rating: Null/10 (20 December 2015)

*contains a good few spoilers!* I felt an initial thrill when the title screen and music came up, yet, despite some pleasing tense moments when I was on the edge of my seat, the well-worn familiarity made this whole film nothing more than a pleasant sepia amble down memory lane – a rehash of all I fondly remembered from the old days before everything went wrong and became a dry politics show/pantomime with Yoda leaping about in a fashion most unbecoming of a Jedi Warrior of his stature.
So anyway, yep, we've seen it all before. The plot was tired and a bit straggly, like Mark Hamil's beard. Luke had apparently buggered off for some reason or other, and the Resistance needed to find him before the First Order did because hey, it's Luke man, and his Jedi Warrior status was the stuff of legend. In the meantime, naturally, they need to blow up a massive weapon that utilises the power of the sun to destroy stuff. How? By employing the cunning machinations of a very handy janitor who happens to know a thing or two about shield generators, they pop in and switch off the pesky shield like it's child's play and do what they do best, go in and bomb the heck outta the thing. Sorted.
I found there to be too many plot holes to be satisfying. Why the force was so strong in the scavenger, Rey, for instance and without any training. Her lineage was not explained - if she's not a relative of someone with suitable Jedi leanings, it doesn't fit. The ease in which the Resistance penetrated enemy lines, battled and won was so easy as to feel like a redundant part of the plot.
Although it was nice to see a nod to the original cast, they felt tired and redundant and the newbies didn't convince me. The new BB-8 bot reminded me strongly of Sooty the glove puppet (except less memorable) – alas he didn't hold anywhere near the magic of R2D2. General Leia Organa – what to say? Sweet as it was that she came back, her attire and countenance made her look more suited to a middle-class countryside lifestyle of pheasant shooting than of anything approaching being a working General. Kylo Ren as a wannabee Darth Vadar also fell short of being convincing, and he pranced and minced across the stage in a most un-Darth-like, manner. He'd have been stronger without the mask and the voice synthesiser; he has arresting facial features that would have packed more of a punch than the mask, which just made me compare him to Darth and it didn't work; he was like Darth's camp alter ego; a Frank N. Furter from the Rocky Horror Show (I think Adam Driver would make a *great* Frank N. Furter).
So whilst I enjoyed it, I would rather have been left with 4,5 & 6 intact in my memory; with the stronger, far more charismatic, original actors playing vibrant, key roles. (Perhaps I do Rey a disservice – but the mythology of Han Solo and Leia is so great that any new actors seeking to take the baton need to be really strong in their own right – and I just didn't feel the force in her – I did quite like the character of Finn however.) Han Solo and Leia served as a misty-eyed nod to the good old days when characters were charismatic and the plots were less threadbare.
Newcomers to the scene and younger people will probably love this – but to me it seems to exemplify all the things wrong with Hollywood, tired & creaky old franchises with ridiculous amounts of sequels that leech any remaining fragments of originality and credibility. It's alright, but stripped of the hype; instantly forgettable.