A typical JJ Abrams Exciting Disappointment

Rating: 5/10 (29 December 2015)

Let's give this movie some credit. It was fun. It was pretty. There were some good humorous moments. And I can't help myself but be curious about two mystery characters (one being Luke Skywalker) and how they will play out in the next sequels.
And if that's what you want from a movie, great. JJ Abrams' polished lens-flare filled sleights of hand do not disappoint, and you will enjoy this movie.
But original cohesive plots he does not make. All of his recent movies are so riddled with holes and plot devices that they make me angry, but look, an explosion! Where was I...?
I was never a huge fan of Star Wars (always preferred Star Trek), but as a nerd I've seen them all multiple times and can quote lines with skill. This felt like somewhat like a Star Wars film...same universe, same characters, same ships, same plots. And part of me wishes I could experience the fanboyism running amok in nostalgia. But I was not affected by that, so maybe I can see a bit more clearly. Or maybe I'm missing something.
Where to begin...if you've read any other reviews, you'll know this movie is a retelling of Episode IV (with bits of V and VI thrown in). I mean a scene-for-scene retelling of Episode IV. It's all there, in the same order, with the same camera shots: the death star, the mysterious black-masked evil dude with a deep voice, the even more mysterious and more evil old dude in smokey haze, the force prodigy, the comic relief robot. There's the wise old man in the desert, the wise old man on a hidden planet. Han and Chewy. Stolen plans, an alien disco bar, the good guy falling off a catwalk into nothingness. And so on. There is literally not an original element in the movie (and don't tell me making the hero a heroine is original).
So much unoriginality it almost seems like a fan cut edit of A New Hope from YouTube.
So, OK, let's maybe give him a pass on that. Disney wanted to play it safe, I get it. Remakes for new generations happen all the time. And like Episode I, this seems to be remade for today's children.
But now we get to the bad (remake-y-ness is the ugly). The retelling of the story is absolutely horrible. It's like he was skipping scenes and forgetting details, like your grandpa relating war stories. Let me just point out a few glaring problems (out of a vast number):

Why did the new deathstar not have any protection? The first two death stars had plenty of Star Destroyer guardians. Why is the single most important location for the First Order not protected? Literally six to eight X-wings blew up that whole planet.

How does Rey (and Finn) hold her own in a lightsaber battle against the most powerful known Dark Sider in the galaxy? And after never having used swords. And just because she's handy with a bow does not mean she's a battle trained fighter.

How did Kylo Ren force-sense Han Solo landing on a planet from thousands of miles away, but miss him when walking 20 feet away from him? And why was he walking on that catwalk anyway?

How about the crazy coincidences? Han and Chewy finding the Millennium Falcon umpteen years later, exactly as Rey happened to steal it, even though it was super easy to find (according to Han); the discovery by the Resistance of the death star, arriving at the planet from billions of miles away, all with a plan cobbled together in 30 seconds, finding Kylo Ren, lightsaber battle, yada yada, *exactly* as the First Order is about to unleash the weapon (which all took 15 minutes in-movie time); Finn sees Rey being attacked in the market from 100 feet away and decides he needs to save her, when he's run from every other conflict in his life? And he's dying of thirst?

It's clear that JJ Abrams tries to dumb down - er - "open up" these sci-fi movies to a wider audience (as evidenced by the horrible Star Trek movies), but I think he overshoots his mark. He instead makes a movie that panders to an audience that will accept anything put in front of them, no matter how inconsistent it is. (It's like telling a child that Santa Claus can fit down a chimney because he had ninja training as a child. From Yoda. I mean, really?)
I'm not nitpicky. It's a Star Wars movie - obviously disbelief must be withheld. But when a movie falls in on itself so badly, it's hard to look past - look, an explosion! And unfortunately, I just can't be gleeful that years of development and hundreds of millions of dollars came up with something so superficial and illogical. This movie feels phoned in. And because of that it doesn't feel like a Star Wars movie. Feels more like the made-up story a primary school braggart tells to make friends.