Continuing the tradition of excruciating dialogue and complete lack of subtlety...

Rating: 1/10 (11 April 2002)

The STAR WARS films are a hallmark of our culture. Everyone who wants to study film should see them, because they display quite accurately how not to make a movie, and in particular how not to write a script. I cannot even express how much is wrong is these movies, in every possible respect. Obviously they are cynically manufactured with money in mind (Ewoks!? C'mon!), and obviously they wrecked the notion of film as anything but lightweight, even dull and stupid, entertainment. What even some of the series' detractors fail to see is how awful the movies would be with or without the hype.
Let's start with the acting. I can't believe anyone ever took Mark Hamill seriously; meanwhile, Harrison Ford's attempts at emotion are downright laughable. Carrie Fisher does what she can, but like everyone else, she's saddled with some unspeakable dialogue. Far more offensive is the storyline that runs through the three films (and presumably the three prequels as well). You tell me with a straight face that no loser thirteen year-old who reads sci-fi comics couldn't come up with this tripe, and I will applaud you. George Lucas has created a masturbatory set of films in a remarkably self-indulgent attempt to take advantage of the notoriety he achieved with AMERICAN GRAFFITI. Let's not beat around the bush, these movies have one of the dumbest plots ever transferred to celluloid. "The Force"? Wow, talk about covering your tracks... to try to avoid plot holes, Lucas creates this invisible dimension that can let people do anything, like pick up out-of-reach objects (as seen in the remarkable "Luke retrieves a Kenner toy which you could go buy right now from the snow while he hangs upside down" scene, the stuff of great cinema, in the second film). How exciting. I'd like to have a Force in my house so I won't have to get up to change the TV channel when this idiotic movie comes on.
The script? Don't even get me started. To be frank, what little plot there is doesn't make much sense. And talk about episodic! It's just one toy commercial after another, from the completely pointless "speeder-bike" scene to the seemingly endless chunk of partying from the Care Bears or whatever those things were. Any fan page or even the IMDB will hold a nice collection of ludicrous quotes, and the fans will probably shiver with glee, while I sit and gawk at how a screenplay with no trace of talent to be found can gain the respect of millions. Most offensively, you've got a score that screams and manipulates like a sitcom laugh track or a Nazi anthem (but then, John Williams never offered anything but recycled schmaltz to start with).
In essence, I remain fascinated by the fact that more people have seen this than will sit through the infinite number of films that have more imagination and emotion in a single second than the entire "Star Wars" series can muster. The worst part is, if you issue any kind of a dissenting opinion on this boring junk, a million raging fanboys will assault you for not showing the proper degree of worship to a supposed American classic. Jonathan Rosenbaum said in 1997 that destroying every print of the Star Wars films wouldn't solve any of the problems caused by them, but that he wouldn't shed a tear at the loss. I would agree. I don't claim to have any authority over anyone's love of the series, and if you genuinely love these films, that's great. I just don't understand why those who disagree are so frequently labeled "flamers." I apologize for not wanting my brain to turn to mush.
My rating: 0/10