The End that sends you reeling

Rating: 1/10 (16 May 2017)

After two forced film viewings I decided in for a penny in for a pounding.
Painful.
After learning of his heritage and escaping capture of the empire our hero decides That hiding and laying low is just not the right thing to do. So he decides that he should Like his father kill a big fat slug . Instead of going to the home and garden section of his Local store and purchasing rock salt , our hero decides that mounting a small war is what laying low looks like.
After wisely giving advanced warning to his adversary our hero fires the fist shot gifting him two droids. As the operation moves forward Jabba decides that owing to the 1980s looming recession that staff cut backs are needed. The first to go the green exotic dancer whose salary is way to much. Especially with a half naked slave chained at your feet. The rancor found this decision shall we say ..tasty.
Jabba after interviewing our hero decides to expedite him with a side of bacon to the prior mentioned rancor. Jabba's hopes are crushed as is the rancor ( to much iron in the diet maybe?). After that incident both the farm boy and the freezer blind Han are treated to Jabba's rancor. It is decided a feast will be held in their honor. They along with with the audience will be fed lame dialogue and unending cackles from a wingless bird.
After the death of Jabba by choking our slave girl unfortunately misses the chicken. This is great fully our final stop on the planet not chosen for David lynch's dune.
Our hero returns to the rainy jungle world that even Lt. Dan and Forrest Gump knew better than to explore to find a dying puppet. The puppet apologizes for lying to him claiming it was all in the script and that someone named Qui-Gon made him do it. After the BBQ , our hero returns to the fleet to discover that the rebellion was dumber than he ever suspected.
The rebellion has placed all its hopes on a massive coordinated attack on the empires new floating tangerine , but before its slices congeal. Han solo it has been decided will be the mastermind of the key assault owing to his deft ability to be frequently captured by the empire.
However things take a bizarre turn as our heroes attempt to lower the shield that protects the giant round " pardon our dust" station above the forest moon of Endor. That' s right forest moon . Not moon. Not inhabited moon . There are a lot of trees there and don't you forget that.
And teddy bears don't forget the teddy bears. Such a wasted marketing opportunity what were the makers of Teddy Ruxpin thinking? Anyway after C3PO does his best post modern attempt at the robot stalker that followed will Robinson around (only with a more enhanced vocabulary and a better catalog of sound effects than the previous two films) afterwards it is decided that the empire has to go .
Which is advantageous as the millennium falcon and a zillion other rebel ships have just shown up and determined that they were expected all along. Our hero in the meantime is engaged is a rather unhealthy encounter session with his abusive father figure. All the time refereed by an aging prune that bears a striking resemblance to grand neagus zek. The empire responds to the show of force in kind.
Han and the teddy bear clan continue their plan to sabotage the shield generator. As usual and right on que Han is again captured by the empire. The space fighting continues above as the rebel fighters attempt to shoe a massive amount of tie fighters away from their fleet by bringing the fight to the fleet itself.
After successfully stonewalling it opposition on the FOREST moon of endor , the shield falls. In side our hero has unhanded his mechanical father. He rejects the prunes offer of Rotting in evil solidarity whilst ruling the galaxy. The response is well shocking. Outside wedge and lando enter the death star interior in a sort frogger style light cycle race to the stations power core.
Yes finally at last the emperor falls from his throne ( still waiting for that thud). Vader faces his son. All is forgiven. The death star explodes. The teddy bears break out the beer. Darth Vader is slow roasted to a fine finish. Everyone lives happily ever after. Except the imperial cleaning crews that are still out there reclaiming use able metals today.
On a side note I found the extra behind the scene featurette of Hayden Christensen and Sebastian Shaw throwing it down WWE hardcore style for the little noticed or little cared about non speaking role of the ghost of anakin skywalker enjoyable. Really impressive given Christensen pulled off the upset at all of age 3.
Long drawn out and wholly predictable. I thought the droids were the worst. I was soooo wrong. Admiral Akbar. Really?!? OK calamari do not look like that. The garbage eating pacmara from Babylon 5 were much better looking in that sense ( kudos art department). At least the movies are over. Unless the first three films are made. Wiat...NOOOOOOO....