The Jedi Mind(less) Trick

Rating: 7/10 (16 August 2009)

Another day. Another Death Star.
The Galactic Empire has returned with another planet-sized space station to terrorize the galaxy - a fantastic visual of skeletal steel framework on the scale of a planet. And the Rebel Alliance has returned to break it. The Jedi Knights have returned as well, with Luke Skywalker continuing the legacy of the humorless old farts by dressing in black and channeling Burt Lancaster.
George Lucas and Lawrence Kasdan write, and Richard Marquand directs RETURN OF THE JEDI, opening once again with a text crawl that says nothing. In ominous chords, the Imperial Sith Lord Darth makes a visit to the Death Star to ensure progress continues, for the Emperor himself (Ian McDiarmid, wizened beyond the help of Olay) is scheduled for a visit.
Meanwhile, Our Heroes (C-3PO, R2-D2, Han, Chewbacca, Leia and Luke) are in another fine mess, in the palace of evil Jabba the Hutt. (a combination of stale blubber and cancerous liposuction runoff). Han Solo (Harrison Ford), frozen in carbonite, is almost rescued by Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher), who, in turn, is made the tastiest slave girl fourteen-year-old boys could possibly fantasize over.
Into the belly of Jabba's lair strides Luke (Mark Hamill), like an out-of-work acolyte, to rescue Our Heroes with his "hokey religion and ancient weapons." Like a True Jedi. And gets captured. Like an out-of-work acolyte.
After Luke battles the aptly-named rancor (a triumph of stop-motion spectacle) and wins, no one in Jabba's employ advises the cancerous blob that it would save on energy, resources, manpower, screen time and efx budget if someone would just blast all the Rebels and be done with it. Instead, they invent the Batman Procrastination-Death: Jabba tries to cast everyone into the Pit of Sarlacc, all pomp and circumstance and a thousand opportunities to escape. Which they do.
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, a galactic empire fell, and we descendants of those worlds at war, only hear the WINNERS' points of view. That is, the Rebels Without A Cause. Like all history, it is skewed to make the winners look "right." But were they? The Empire kept order. They battle the Rebel Alliance seemingly just because the Rebel Alliance are battling them.
Viewers never question what the rebels were actually fighting for. Well, "peace," for one thing. But the galaxy was AT peace until the Rebels started fighting FOR it. The Empire are so powerful "star systems bowed down before them" but what exactly does this mean? Why must "empires" be synonymous with evil, like corporations? There is really no difference between the Empire and the Alliance, except the costumes were shinier and the music was scarier.
In EPISODE I, slavery is condoned - in a political system long before the Empire came to prominence. Did the Alliance fight to stop slavery? No. By EPISODE VI, there are still no salient issues they are fighting "for." I guess that's why they're called Rebels, for the mere act of "rebelling." We are told they are the good guys unquestioningly; blindly. And you know what happens then - religion is invented.
Cue the Jedi.
Ben Kenobi (Alec Guinness) appears to Luke and rationalizes his lie about Vader "killing" Luke's father by saying, "So what I told you was true... from a certain point of view." With steam comin' outa his ears, Luke retorts, "A 'certain point of view'?" The story of STAR WARS Compleat is "a certain point of view." And if the Empire runs business networks and trade routes galaxywide, in defeating them, the Alliance would only throw galactic business into disarray. But then, Luke and his pals are only dethroning figureheads. Like any corporate machine, it could run automatically until new figureheads are in place. Now I'm all for keeping order in the galaxy, through the use of reasonable taxes, the trade federation and the Microsoft Excel Spreadsheet – it's the freakin' REBELS throwing things out of whack with their spies and ersatz princesses and wookiees wearing no pants.
Climactic action is split into three parts - Han and Leia on the forest moon of Endor ally with Ewoks (were these things meant to be cute or annoying?) to nullify the Death Star's deflector shield; Lando Calrissian (Billy Dee Williams) and a puppet lead a space battle against the Imperial star destroyers; and on the Death Star itself, Darth Vader (now a good guy who only wants the best for his son) must stop Luke doing Burt Lancaster impressions in front of the Emperor, who is having just too much fun being fey.
In space, the dogfights continue like Spitfires against Messerschmitts.
At the end of the day, the Empire only lasted about thirty years, from EPISODE I to EPISODE VI. The Jedi would constantly pule about some "chosen one" bringing balance to the Force (meaning Darth Vader) while the Sith would sneer that the Dark Side was stronger (meaning Darth Vader). Both hokey religions were wrong. But no one seems to notice.
The biggest mind trick the Jedi ever played on us was making us believe George Lucas knew what he was doing. No doubt RETURN OF THE JEDI is exceptional stuff, with John Williams's orchestral score once again simply magnificent, the best effects money could buy, the broad strokes of redemption, friendship and unity amidst the matte paintings and explosions; yet ROTJ is full of gaping holes, ignorant non-science and silly rationalizations, which no amount of "authorized" websites can re-imagine into sensibility.
I'd go through all the asinine plot holes and physics anomalies, but - as some gutless pilot once wailed, "There's too many of them!" --Review by Poffy The Cucumber (for Poffy's Movie Mania).