Frozen movie reel

Rating: 1/10 (16 May 2017)

Sadly , I did not heed my instincts after watching star wars and decided to follow up with what the fans call the greatest chapter of this saga.
It certainly makes for a good bookend.
After blowing up a giant floating orange and being given a medal (for that?!?) , our Farm boy finds him self not in Kansas anymore . In fact not even northern Canada gets this Cold. Now the rebels are hiding on a planet with plenty of available ice for cocktails. And you the viewer will need it.
Han and Leia are in love? When did this happen? How can a politically driven woman like that suddenly chair the committee of lousy lover oversight. Then again this woman did kiss her own brother. After the dripping sap of exchanges between these two you will probably want to kiss a wookie yourself.
And the farm boy he decides that with the entire imperial fleet looking for him it's time for an episode of national geographic. Most people don't need to be hit by a meteor to figure out that riding alone on planet thats average high is about 2 is a bad idea. Does that bit of common sense stop our hero nope. How ever a ten foot cave beast does the job just as well.
After performing a few magic tricks and slicing the beast in to a bored submission our hero decides he'll have better chances in the whiteout styled blizzard outside. His chances ? 725 to 1. R2 has been wrong before though. Particularly on the 3,720 to 1 odds that Han solo is in a lovers quarrel and not thinking clearly.
Our hero with the aid of Han survives . All so he can face the empire . I would say at this point that the rebels choked on their ground fight , but the choking Admiral Ozzell received should have been directed at the effects team ( I can see the fishing wire moving the walkers, really I can see it)
After the abysmal turn of events on hoth our farm boy hero decides nearly freezing to death on an ice planet was so last episode and proceeds to strand him self on a world of endless jungle at the advice of his dead Jedi friend. One would think seeing dead people is enough but no. Along with seeing and talking to dead folks we also follow the wise tutelage of talking green puppets ( honestly is Yoda what Kermit will look like in the year 2689?)
I wish it was over but there is more hot air to come. While learning how to poison sith with bad cooking (himself the guinea pig) the farm boy has a vision of his two friends being tortured by Darth Vader. Its not as bad as your torture however. As we wander around the endless hallways that seem replete with a single image of clouds everywhere. We ask ourselves was there maybe something more exciting we could use as a background in cloud city?
No matter how many times this metal balloon went around the world it could not avoid Darth Vader. Han is captured and frozen for later review. Lando the city's leader and Han's friend (guess relations cooled after that incident. He really didn't forget) stands around looking dazed as Vader runs amuck.
Then of course our hero shows up. He is warned that it is a trap.he keeps going . He knowingly steps over the door rise , that his droid can't use Its thrusters to get over for reasons episode ll or it being 1980 can't readily explain. To no ones surprise he comes face to face with Darth Vader. After a brilliant round of laser fencing and one of the single greatest bat swings in light saber fight history , our hero is unhanded.
Then the most unbelievable scene of the entire film . Darth Vader is the father of our hero. Im supposed to believe a machine fathered a normal humanoid. Next you'll tell me the only difference between Mt. Dew and Mello Yello is bromanated vegetable oil and carob bean gum.
Will this train wreck story line ever end. The droids are horrible actors . C3PO s performance alone fell to pieces. Not even hiring a stand in director saved this. I m certain it was nice to shift the bulls eye however.