Cake for breakfast.

Rating: 2/10 (1 April 2020)

Cake for lunch. Before dinner? A spot of cake. Followed by seven wonderous courses of cake, accompanied by a delicious cake. Then a decadent slice of cake. Afterwards, in the sitting room, two pieces of cake to settle the stomach.
Sound terrible? It is.
Same thing with this movie.
The last Abrams flick I paid to see was Force Awakens - I thought it was the best movie Abrams has ever made, in no small part because it was almost impossible to tell he had. It was tight, it was enjoyable, and it was also just A New Hope with new chrome.
This mess, though. My goodness. He's bad at telling stories, folks. Really bad. This is not a good movie. Like, it does not follow any sensation of narrative or plot, it's just these little vignettes, laden down with asides, nods, easter eggs, and then every so often, Ridley or Driver tries to *do* something with the story, and they are hurried off camera. It's real damn weird.
If you need to see this for completions sake, I hope telling you it is utterly dreadful and disappointing lowers your expectations enough that you enjoy it more than I did.