Bad in a way I could have never anticipated

Rating: 1/10 (24 December 2019)

When Disney bought Star Wars, I expected them to run the property into the ground to some degree, and as with the MCU, produce films that at their best would simply be fun but not particularly interesting, and at their worst, fairly bland yet competent. I never saw this movie coming. Even when I found out Palpatine was back in the lead-up, the worst I expected was something fairly disposable and eye-roll-worthy.
What's shocking about this movie is not just that it's not entertaining at all - despite moving at a breakneck pace, it's bizarrely boring - but the sheer lack of competence behind it. This film is a genuine catastrophe, with a fetch-quest plot more at home in a video game, not a single action in the movie being driven by character, no real thematic content of any kind, and character "arcs" so shallow that you literally have the "people" in this movie saying their motivation in one scene and then doing something totally at odds with that motivation in the next.
Any "fan" of Star Wars who despised The Last Jedi for its plot "holes" and contrivances, "betrayal" of beloved characters, unanswered questions or instances of that movie missing on previously established lore & themes, who describes The Rise Of Skywalker as a movie which "fixes" the "mistakes" of Episode 8 or hails it as any sort of return to form, stands revealed as little more than a misogynist at worst or an immature manbaby at best. Any criticism you can make of The Last Jedi in those regards, this movie has far, far worse versions of the same problem. And to those sins the movie adds action sequences with dialogue which sounds like what a child would say while playing with their action figures, scenes and plot points which seemingly exist only to take immature pot shots at the director of the previous film, and jokes which land with a thud.
An insult to everything which came before it in this saga, and to the cinematic medium in general - a horrifying amalgamation of terrible storytelling instincts and focus-tested pandering. Not just the worst Star Wars movie or release of any kind, but legitimately one of the worst films ever made. We should be deeply troubled for its implications to the world of cinema more broadly if it becomes a huge financial success.