Eye on the tv, 'cause tragedy thrills me...

Rating: 2/10 (6 May 2020)

Where do I begin? I'm an avid Star Wars fan, at least I was, right until Disney took over. But I'm not here to ramble. I'm here to review this piece of art.
First of all, it was extremely entertaining. For real. I couldn't get my eyes off the screen, I was literally attached to it. And you know why? Because it was so utterly and ultimately cringe, that I couldn't believe it.
Every single movie clichÃ©, and I mean all of them, have been done (some of them multiple times, in the same movie). There were scenes I had to re-watch multiple times, and I just couldn't stop laughing at them - and I guess it's needless to say that not during "intentionally funny" parts. No, those were just cringe.
Can you name one single lovable and memorable character out of this movie? Because I can't. At least episode VII gave us BB-8. That thing was fun to watch, and it got my emotion thingy working. Now in episode IX, none of the characters, sceneries, sounds, basically nothing made me feel anything inside, beside that everlasting, semi-anxious cringy sort of interest.
I won't spoil the movie, even though I guess by this time everyone knows everything. This whole movie feels so plasticky, like it's carefully placed under a few hundred layers of bubble wrap. Money has been spent, actors have been hired, the movie has been constructed, but there's literally zero passion behind it. Is it professionally made? Yes. Is it professionally written? Hell no. Does it look cool at least? Sort of, but not in an such amazing way, that visuals could carry the whole thing.
My creativity is extremely mediocre, and I know many people say this, but I'm quite sure I could have written a better trilogy than this. But of course, I'm pretty sure the people behind this movie could have done a ton better as well, and at this point I'm just blindly pointing at the Disney logo in blame.
Is this a closure? For real? This? The Phantom Menace had a much better, and way more memorable plot than this one. And people (including me) consider that one a bad Star Wars movie overall. But let's not get biased, let's not consider the fact that The Rise of Skywalker is indeed a Star Wars movie. Just watch it pretending it's some non-brand sci-fi. The problem is, it still remains bad. It's not bad, because it's made out of the last drops of milk of the saga's saggy udders, it's bad because it is bad.
I'm open-minded, I reject homophobia and I stand up against such hate, but seriously, that lesbian kiss scene near the end? I mean... that's the ultimate cherry topping. The PC hypocrisy is ridiculous at this point. Let's put it there, because... it looks cool? Or what was the idea? Can you remember those two characters from the movie? Because I can't. Whatever.
I will continue to not pay Disney a single cent for anything. The only new-era Star Wars related content I liked (liked, not loved) was Rogue One. If you've read my review through the end, I'm fairly sure you can relate to this.