Whatever

Rating: 2/10 (24 December 2019)

TROS is basically exactly what I foresaw happening ever since I realized the destruction TLJ caused to the saga. One could argue that said failure was set in motion since TFA, but I think it was TLJ that sealed it in stone. TLJ enforced the irrevocable destiny of TROS to be a pointless mediocrity, a pretentious sleeve of nostalgia to mask the desperation and despair that dominated the minds of its creators and investors.
It was a sadistic pleasure to observe the verification that TLJ did, indeed, ruin the "Skywalker saga", and no--that's no longer some bitter complaint from a disenfranchised minority of toxic fans. Behold TROS as it flails its feeble plotlines at the confines of the abyss it had awakened in, anxious to merely survive two and a half hours as a credible conclusion to the Star Wars films. It utters Star Wars-esque phrases and displays Star Wars-looking things--but what is, "Star Wars"? Who cares? Nothing matters anymore--nothing, but survival. Like a starved prisoner in a forced labor camp, soul long lost and forgotten, it sloppily spills its time and precious assets about as it scrambles to meet its minimum quotas at the threat of financial catastrophe's gunpoint.
You know you have failed when you make the movie that singlehandedly dragged the Star Wars franchise into the underworld look good. At least TLJ had themes and interesting ideas, and awareness of its own complexity. The mind of an edgy teenager still writes a more meaningful story than that of an oblivious prepubescent child. At least the edgy teenager enjoys some faint awareness of the intricacies of the human condition, even if he may completely fail to understand it. What depths has TROS explored? Trick question-S-tar Wars was just a kids movie about lasers and space wizards all along. Only maladjusted nerds would seek depth in this franchise.
Oh well, whatever. At least TROS isn't trying to insult me for liking traditional Star Wars with some lofty meta-narrative. It is a relief to not cringe every time the rug gets pulled from beneath me, and then ponder that it's being done in order to incite astonishment at the creators' profound contrarianism. No awkward progressive agenda and simultaneous mockery of general conservative values--(what even was that, anyways? Oh right--I, a depraved alt-right Star Wars nerd, must have my political views promptly corrected now, while I am distracted watching Star Wars.) But oh no, no more layers of edginess and unwarranted political polarization? What are we going to rage about now?
Now TROS is just boring and pointless.
TROS is now in the league of the late Michael Bay Transformer movies. It's a cinematographic portfolio with actors and cool designs and stuff. There's tears and pauses and important music to indicate important scenes. There is a big climax to all 9 movies. You can tell it's the biggest climax of all, because there are so many Star Destroyers and Rebel spaceships, and Palpatine uses the biggest force lightning ever seen. And the fate of the galaxy hangs in the balance. Only our valiant protagonist, Rey, can save the galaxy from the evil, evil big bad.

+1 for trying
+1 for amazing visuals and good acting
+1 for not trying to lecture/insult portions of the audience like the last movie
0 for childish story
0 for being creatively bankrupted into resurrecting Palpatine
0 for emotional intangibility
0 for cultural insignificance / pointless movie
0 for failure to abide by the preestablished lore and very basic logic
0 for failure to take the opportunity to explore and expand upon the human condition
0 for failure to realize Star Wars' full potential