Tie Fight: SWe9 vs The Room #Cerb

Rating: 1/10 (11 February 2020)

Disclosure: this is not a bot-post (hence my nickname tagged in the title). I watched the film in its entirety last night, focused, and without interruptions. Also, I've been a fan of the franchise since 1990. This review is by 'Cerberus' (AKA Cerb). All information is my complete honest opinion. That said.....
I have to start by explaining that this film is so bad, it revealed how review systems - have issues with false reviews, & the likelihood of bot accounts being used to boost scores for sequels of popular franchises such as this and the Birds of Prey film (as the most recent examples). Hence the disclosure.
Also, I guess somebody needs to remind everyone: films (entertainment) are and always have been ART; acting, effects, story, script - it is ALL supposed to be ART. That being said, Rise of Skywalker has NONE of the artistic concepts mentioned. Not ONE.
Effects:
Honestly this is the least relevant concept to me when scoring films because well, these days even Indi films have bare minimum capabilities to include digital effects and thus also made body costumes (like a puppet or seseme street character) obsolete. However I have to say I am shocked and frankly appalled to notice this film had one particular scene where Rey encounters a monstrous alien snake, which HAS TO BE either pupet or costume, unless they were using the cheapest software they could find and get away with using. The fight scenes were ridiculous and illogical more than ever. I thought episode 8s bomber scene was unbelievably moronic but 9s is just.... So so so bad. To give them some sort of credit though at least the extras weren't swinging and falling at/over nothing because of bad choreography; instead in 9,they don't have extra enemies. For example, our heroes infiltrate Kylo Rens ship, landing nice n soft (unchallenged) in one of many many conveniently open parking spots in the hanger, only to be casually checked by 2 troopers (motivation literally casual) then I guess 2 additional troopers who were killed immediately after but never seen so maybe there weren't ANY there and they were shooting at a wall for all we know... I mean WOW.
Story:
Palpatine should not be relevant anymore after episode 6 (I don't think I need to elaborate since there are countless reviews saying the same thing basically). The bulk of the movie is about Rey getting an object called the Wayfinder (which there are 2; Kylo found the first one in the first scene of the movie (more on that in a moment). These Wayfinders and a dagger which Rey STUMBLES UPON UNINTENTIONALLY & UNEXPECTEDLY after she and her friends literally just finish a speeder chase (the jet pack scene in the trailer) and crash in ck?]sand.... annnnnd drop into a CAVE where said dagger is found among the remains of its previous holder whom seemed to have a small backstory to him but felt like it was cut and forgotten (I can only assume). This dagger has sith writing on it which NOBODY KNOWS except 3pO and it just so happens there was a law passed at some point apparently that outlawed translation of siad language, so the new objective instantly becomes to erase/reset his mind so that law doesn't exist (basically). Finally I have to elaborate on the concluding line "Rey Skywalker". This line spits on the pre-disney trilogies. Rey is in NO WAY a Skywalker. Not by relation nor metaphorical or anything other. They could have AT LEAST (AAAATTTTT LEEEAST) have her say Rey PALPATINE considering he wanted her to win (kill him) because apparently by doing so, he would possess HER youthful body instead of his century spanning decaying self (he needed an upgrade in other words so who else better to ENTER than his granddaughter, right? (Whoever added that was definitely passing around some awesome drugs that day of filming. Wow). But yeah at least changing it to REY PALPATINE would have gave a couple points for a better ending (though still light-years from even being DECENT).
Script/Acting:
Lines seemed so very basic. By that I mean in my opinion every actor EVERY ONE OF THEM did their BARE MINIMUM to get paid. They didn't show half as much emotion as they could have.
I want to go on but I think my point has been expressed well enough. There is truly nothing I can even blindly say is a positive for the franchise.
How else can I put it...
If this film were a cake on the shelf of a bakery, it would not only get the business shut down permanently but probably have its creators sued. On the shelf, it looks fine. Smooth white frosting covering it.... - covering the mold underneath from its expired as well as incorrect ingredients. This cake would hospitalize the consumer.
Other notes:
Off topic I know but I HAVE GOT TO SAY... I am astonished by those who left lengthy Reviews with HIGH SCORES... Which even include grammar errors and bad phrasing which indicates they weren't bots. Said reviews containing opinions praising scenes which I absolutely couldn't bare to not laugh at or even nearly quit the movie due to sheer nonsense logic. Like the death acting - oh my God. I have never seen such terribly faked deaths on screen as is depicted by Rey AND (more specifically) Kylo. Just... Complete.... Trash.