Lessons should be learned from this cinematic disaster

Rating: 3/10 (21 December 2019)

Coming into Thursday's premiere, I remember thinking that "The Rise of Skywalker" was the most doomed thing ever created. I couldn't imagine any scenario where this film could succeed. If it was terrible, it would be called the final nail in the coffin for a flawed trilogy. If it was mediocre, anything it lacked would be blamed on both previous films, calling the whole trilogy into question. And if, somehow, it was good, it would come off as desperate, trying to cover up the sins of the past. When looking at most of the first reviews, "The Rise of Skywalker" managed to conjure all of these feelings while accomplishing nothing.
To watch this latest trilogy of "Star Wars" films is to witness the gradual destruction of a franchise - and a fan base. No doubt as I write this, RedLetterMedia, MauLer, Robot Head, E;R, and The Critical Drinker are piecing together the right adjectives with which to dismember "The Rise of Skywalker" while hacks like Chris Stuckmann and the Nostalgia Critic scramble to make new excuses for Disney. This trilogy has already inspired vigorous debate about the difference between objective and subjective quality in film, and how many supporters of this trilogy don't know the difference between the two, resulting in passionate misunderstandings. With old fandoms challenged by new ignorance, the result has been some of the most explosive debate on the internet - debate which shows no signs of slowing down.
YouTube fortunes on both sides have been built on every misstep of these three space adventures. "The Force Awakens" was a hard reset that shattered the logical progression of the series while shunning the original cast. "The Last Jedi" was so obsessed with subverting expectations that it played out like a comedy, its "woke" feminist agenda ironically undermined by the incompetence of its new female characters. "The Rise of Skywalker," then, is the moment all that damage has caused the entire structure to collapse. From the first scene, we see all the magic of "Star Wars" has crumbled away, leaving the flaws of all three films clear for all to see. All you can do in the theater is just shake your head and wait for it to be over.
By attempting to patch up the mortal wound Rian Johnson inflicted on the series with "The Last Jedi," J.J. Abrams has done nothing to fix them - he's only drawn more attention to those mistakes. The red welds in Kylo Ren's re-assembled helmet, which somehow still has a functioning voice modulator. So many lightsabers brought back into the fight scenes that it becomes cumbersome for Rey to carry them, never mind use them. Luke's pitiful "I was wrong" quote on the island where, just one film earlier, his character was destroyed beyond repair.
The few cool moments in the film each carry a tinge of sadness when we realize how much better they could have been if there had been some clarity of purpose other than making tons of money. Every character moment, unfitting bit of comedy, or action sequence rings hollow. And this builds throughout the film until you are quite literally pulled out of the action.
As with "The Last Jedi," the unintentional humor outshines the scripted jokes. In this film, we discover Rey and Kylo are nothing more than Wile E. Coyote and the Road-Runner. Kylo throws all his Dark Side ACME gadgets and weapons toward his adversary, but with inexplicable ease the utterly perfect Rey gets away time after time. Kylo loses over and over, and yet the film keeps telling us to get hyped for the next battle, because THIS time it'll be different. The outcome becomes so predictable it's laughable.
In the final act, Rey and Kylo even fight over who gets to suffer the most dramatic death. Kylo is thrown into a bottomless pit, then somehow climbs out to find Rey's lifeless body. He holds her until his power brings her back to life and they kiss. But the fangirls in the crowd barely get a chance to "squee" before Kylo is immediately raptured out of his clothes, followed by his mom.
This is the only time the film - begrudgingly - allows there to be any consequence to the action. The rest follows the Marvel strategy of not wanting to murder its darlings:
The film teases the death of Chewbacca during perhaps the most hilarious scene in the film, when a force-pull tug-of-war over an escaping shuttle craft leads to it exploding into pieces. Then Chewie just shows up again with a simple "I guess he was on another craft."
C-3PO's memory wipe is presented as an emotional climax in the trailers, and it happens after another tone-deaf scene where he comes up with another idea before he's unplugged. But then the film lets him have his memories back, uploading his mind from the "unreliable" R2-D2.
Poe finds himself piloting the only ship still in the air after the rest of his squadron is shot down one by one. All the while, a preposterous number of Rebellion ships sits in the near distance, watching all the "red shirts" get picked off before they decide to make their grand entrance.
This clashes with the few actual emotional scenes in the film, which are so rushed that the viewer doesn't get the chance to feel anything. While we get to see reactions to Princess Leia's death, the moment comes and goes with surprisingly little fanfare. It's just one scene among many. The film becomes a stunt show, trying to keep up enough speed to launch you over one plot hole after another so you don't notice them right away.
I don't entirely agree with the common complaint that "The Rise of Skywalker" is a "jumbled mess." That's giving the movie too much credit. The film gives the appearance of complexity, but it quickly becomes so mundane that it's boring. It's all stuff we've already seen, done as safe as possible - not a coincidence since J.J. Abrams also did "The Force Awakens." What I expected to be a complete train wreck was instead Star Wars' answer to "Waterworld," a film with a bunch of stuff happening, but with neither heart nor intrigue. The tried-and-true distractions of the previous films just don't work here, and it shows. It was disappointingly easy to remove myself from the experience.
As with any disaster, if anything positive is to be gleaned from "Rise of Skywalker" and the rest of the trilogy, it's that perhaps lessons will finally be learned - lessons that have gone ignored for decades. Sequels, reboots, and remakes have sapped all creativity and swallowed the movie industry whole. Perhaps this will be the moment when Hollywood will realize they should focus on telling interesting stories that aim to be both entertaining and timeless, rather than shoehorning incompatible characters and themes into franchises with brand marketability. Maybe then we will all realize that writing is the true engine of film - not star power and visual effects - and that writing alone deserves the most care, attention, and respect. Maybe then, all this waste will not have been in vain.
The worst part is what this means for the average "Star Wars" fan. I didn't grow up with this series, and so the disappointment of this film didn't affect me more than the average moviegoer. But when I see someone dress up as Han Solo, or decorate the back of their workspace with toys, I know this must hit them the hardest. For their loyalty through thick and thin, they deserved better, and because of the cavalier attitude of both Disney and the film crew, the opportunity to make good has been squandered. This is not the world's greatest tragedy, but it's not to be dismissed as some triviality.
Those fans are owed a refund at least, and an apology at most.