Jek Porkins

Rating: 5/10 (15 April 2010)

Many would have you believe that Star Wars is about a little blonde pipsqueak who wants to fulfil his dream of becoming a space samurai. Not true! The true heart of this epic saga is the character of Jek Porkins, the portly, ill-fated, X-wing pilot of Red Squadron. For those who have seen Star Wars but have no idea who I'm talking about, Porkins is Red Six. He is a young, ambitious member of the Rebel Alliance whose dreams of kicking ass and taking names were cut tragically short when his T-65 X-wing starfighter was struck by debris, leaving him with several mechanical and computer malfunctions during the assault on the Empire's planet-sized Death Ball. During his moment of technical weakness, Porkins was sucker blasted by enemy turbolaser fire and killed. There have been many jokes at the expense of Jek Porkins' honorable memory. For example, some have said that Jek's X-wing simply couldn't take the weight of his masculine frame, that it simply wasn't realistic. Well, how realistic is it for a retarded sand savage to leave a wimpy farmboy without a crushed skull when he has ...a skull crusher? How realistic is it for a princess to walk out of a giant garbage disposal with her virginal white dress completely unstained? And don't even get me started about target shafts that are only two meters wide.