I'm glad it's over

Rating: 4/10 (18 January 2006)

Take a great story, cooler than cool characters, add ripping good action and what do you have? The first three Star Wars movies, Episodes 4-6. Then, take these same characters, attempt to add depth by delving into their pasts to show how it all came about, and what do you have? Episode 1, and a lot of potential for the greatest movie series ever made. Now take that same potential and layer it over with so many special effects it's hard to find the plot, and insert acting so bad it makes you grit your teeth, even when fine and experienced actors are doing it, and what do you have? Episodes 2 and 3.
Episode 1 was fantastic, and I really do wish it had foreshadowed the greatness to come in the next two. Unfortunately, it didn't. It was a superb start to a seriously disappointing remainder of the series. Hayden Christensen has to be the most wooden, unrealistic actor on the planet. He can't figure out whether to be angry, tortured, full of angst or just plain sullen, so he goes for all four at the same time for every situation. This completely negates any joy is supposed to be feeling over his beautiful wife Padme (Natalie Portman), and the impending birth of his children Luke and Leia. Not only could I not believe he cared, I couldn't believe he even understood that he was a husband and father! Not one moment of his acting was believable. Portman was fun to watch like the broadly drawn characters in a cartoon are momentarily fun to watch. Most of the time she was such a piece of cardboard that "two dimensional" would be stretching the description. Movements were strictly proscribed, precisely made and utterly (and sadly) predictable. Lines were stilted and archaic-sounding. There was not one whit of chemistry between the two lovers. Not one. How unfortunate for these two young actors, who have done so much better in other vehicles. Portman is a fine actress of incredible range. Christensen has even shown more than a few moments of competence in other films. But neither one show their worth here.
The supporting (human) cast is every bit as bad, except for Ewan McGregor. He manages, don't ask me how, to infuse as much life into Obi-Wan Kenobi as he possibly can without frying the viewer's eyeballs in ham glaze. Yet, even his lines are stilted and forced sometimes. What a waste of talent. I can say that even more emphatically for the rest: Samuel L Jackson, Jimmy Smits and Ian McDiarmid are all just completely transparent. They should have been animated. It's pretty bad when the best acting comes from the CGI creations like General Greivous and Yoda.
Ten minutes into this agonizing cinematographic exercise and I was just itching for it to end. The only thing that kept me watching, literally, were the gadgets and the creatures. Other than that, there's really nothing to watch that is worth a damn! The editing was poorly done, as well. As many millions of dollars as were spent on effects, one would think there might have been a few more spent on a decent editing job. But, no. **sigh** And my last gripe is continuity. Think about this: just how old was Obi-Wan Kenobi in the first film? He's described numerous times as "an old man." Yet, in this third episode, he's what--mid 30's? Maybe at best late 30's? And just how old is Luke Skywalker in the first film--20 at the most? And if you do the math, then what you have is a collossal error in time management here! For Obi-Wan to have been "old" in the first film, Luke would have to have been in his 40's! We see the fine and hale Obi-Wan, the fine and hale Yoda, and the very VERY young Darth Vader in Episode 3, and then--supposedly only a couple of decades (at the most!) later, they're all ELDERLY? What kind of sense did this make? Not much, in my opinion. Lucas--you screwed up. That sort of error just shows how much these first three films did not need to be made, and how risky it was to not get them right.
I was sorely disappointed in Episode III, as much or more than with Episode II, which just plain sucked. I had hoped Lucas would redeem himself, as I had heard so many people say he did--and he just...didn't. A promising beginning petered out to a galling and unworthy end. All I can say now is I'm glad it's finally over.