The Darth Insufferous Review

Rating: 7/10 (26 May 2005)

I don't own an Imperial Stormtrooper outfit or a lightsaber but I liked Episodes IV through VI. I tolerated Episode I and would gladly choose a root canal with a dull Makita industrial router to sitting through Episode II again. With this mixed history of reaction to the series I wasn't expecting that much from Episode III. Just please, PLEASE, no Jar Jar Binks.
I was a little in the dark about some of the recent doings in the series since I was in a drooling catatonic state for the last half of Episode II. A helpful crawl in the opening credits brought me up to date. Senator Palpatine had been kidnapped by the rotten Count Dooku and it was up to the Jedi to save him. Period. Well, at least there wasn't that much backstory to keep track of. With that bit of info filed away into the old gray matter, it was off to the races.
Anyway, as you might guess, Count Dooku (Count Dooku? Just how sinister is that? Was the name "Count Fluffy Bunny" already taken?) is summarily dispatched in a confusing but sometimes exciting fight scene. Episode III has a lot of these. Unfortunately, Lucas must have feared that the audience would get too worked up if he didn't intersperse these chaotic sequences with something slower paced. He accomplished this with remarkable effectiveness by having his characters speak to each other.
I don't know what it is about George Lucas that causes actors who have turned in creditable performances in other movies to suddenly revert to high school drama class-level acting when they work for him. That Christensen guy who plays Anakin Skywalker and Natalie Portman deserve special mention -- I've owned inflatable love dolls with more emotional range than both of them put together. Christensen's acting ran the gamut from pouty to seriously pouty and I think he avoided actually memorizing his lines by reading them off of crib notes pasted to Natalie Portman's forehead. In my opinion, the Taco Bell chihuahua reliably delivered more intensity and depth, particularly in his later commercials.
The battles were visually rich but hard to follow, often devolving to alternating flashing lightsabers that fill up the screen. Also, what the hell is with those stupid battle droids? They wouldn't stand up to your typical troop of Campfire Girls armed with spatulas and jump ropes. They're less infantry troops than disposal problems. Whose idea was it to place a large order for these things? Whoever he is, FIRE him!!
Yoda turns out to be one tough muppet. His distant kinship to Kermit the Frog becomes plainly evident as he bobs, weaves and hops while taking on the galaxy's nastiest civil servant. In comparison with the human actors Yoda's performance cranks. Hey Anakin, what's it like to be out-acted by a puppet?
The movie gets big points for the creativity that went into its depictions of fantastic worlds. What Lucas lacks as a dialogue coach he more than makes up for in imagination, and he's used the capabilities of Industrial Light and Magic to their fullest, most eye-popping potential. It's worth the price of admission just to see the variety of exotic locales that he's conjured for the film.
Of course, this episode is all about setting the stage for Episode IV, so we all know where it's going to wind up. What we don't know is the 'how' of it. Lucas does a pretty good job of tying up the loose ends. I do have a few quibbles, however.
First, isn't a bit of a stretch to believe that the R2D2 and C3P0 of Episode IV were actually owned by Darth Vader's alter ego Anakin before they happened to fall into the hands of his daughter Leia bearing secret plans from the DeathStar (as well as Darth Vader's favorite recipe for walnut brownies)? And isn't it even a bit more of a stretch to accept that these self-same droids just happen to land on Luke's planet when they were jettisoned by Leia during the attack by the Imperial forces on Leia's ship at the start of Episode IV? And doesn't it push things even farther to ask us to believe that Luke would find these droids like he's the only guy in a bathrobe wandering the planet, and that he would take the droids to -- who else -- "Old Ben" who just happens to be Darth's nemesis Obi-Wan Kenobi?
And why didn't R2D2 and C3PO remember their employment stint with the proto-Vader once they came into Leia's possession? They probably could have given the Rebels some useful inside information about Vader's quirks, like the fact that the big red button on his suit is an ejector seat and that he shares most of his platform with the 1953 Buick Roadmaster. (And you thought the resemblance was just a coincidence!)
One last complaint. In a sly middle finger to the critical audience, Lucas threw Jar Jar Binks into one scene. George -- couldn't you find a way to fit an Ewok into the story too? To his credit though, Jar Jar didn't get to speak.
I could go on and on but I won't. To sum up as Yoda might, worth the $7.50 the movie is. Worth $14.00 maybe the movie is not. Hmmmm?