The worst Star Wars film (spoilers throughout)

Rating: Null/10 (11 June 2005)

Who ever thought that Darth Vader, the baddest guy in the galaxy, would turn out to be such a wet blanket? Not me. Well, not until the new Star Wars trilogy began. But even then, and after having to endure sickeningly cute Vader ("Wizard!") and petulant adolescent Vader ("They're like animals, and I slaughtered them like animals. I HATE THEM") I still had hope for the final part of the trilogy. Surely that would be good, I thought. Only a moron could screw that up. And after all the good reviews, I thought that finally, at long last, Lucas had delivered another fine Star Wars film. Cue disgust then when Lucas not only produced a terrible Star Wars film but the worst one of all.
There are many low points in the film but the worst has to be the Vader transformation. It's the bit that everyone has been waiting to see. It's the bit that is supposed to make the trilogy worthwhile. So imagine my disgust when Vader lumbers from the operating table like a constipated Frankenstein and when he cries "Nooooooooooooo!" in Seymour Skinner style when he hears that his wife has died. Pathetic. Now, when I watch the original trilogy, I'm only going to see a melodramatic drama queen under that tin can helmet.
But I still don't even know why Anakin turned to the dark side. The plot just didn't make any sense. Anakin had some bad dreams, got worried about his wife and then turned to the dark side to protect them? Eh? What? It's absolute rubbish. And it's amazing how stupid Anakin is. Palpatine tells him a story about a "person he knew" and how this "person" had known a powerful Sith Lord. This "person" then learnt many things from this Sith Lord, including how to extend life. However, this "person" then killed this Sith Lord in his sleep. Hmm. I wonder who this person was? Gosh, it's a puzzle... But because of one or two bad dreams Anakin decides to trust this slimy scumbag on the off chance that his dream will come true. Of course, the dream only comes true when Anakin attacks his wife. Ooh, so it was a self-fulfilling prophecy? Oh, aren't you clever, George? Let me bow down before your writing genius.
Er, or maybe not.
But I just hate the idea of Vader being so stupid. What it amounts to is that he was tricked into becoming a bad guy. He had a few worries, some bloke came along and used them to his advantage, and there you go, he's evil. It's terrible. When the trilogy started I was looking forward to a nuanced story. I wanted it to be haunting, to be tragic and to be dark as hell. I wanted Vader to be truly troubled. What I didn't want was a pouting idiot with an inferiority complex. Unfortunately, that's what I got.
However, the other bad guys are useless too. Especially the much hyped General Grievous. With a name like that you'd imagine a hard-as-nails villain. Instead you get a spluttering moron whose party-trick is to take four lightsabers and twirl them and attack windmill style. It's the equivalent of me getting into fight, twirling my arms, and running forward at full speed. Needless to say General Grievous cops it to a man with three less lightsabers.
In fact, that villain, and everything else in the film, makes me wonder what the motivation was for these characters. I can just picture some animator or Lucas saying, "Wouldn't it be cool if..." or "Wouldn't it be neat if..." But of course, it's not neat and it's not cool. Just because you can do something doesn't mean that you should. I'm actually really pleased that Lucas made the original films when he did. It meant that he couldn't indulge every whim and that he had to focus on trivial matters such as story. After all, the originals have cracking stories. They may not be high art, and they may have hokey bits of dialogue, but at least they make sense. The new films on the other hand make no sense whatsoever. The plots are needlessly complicated, and not complicated in a good way. After all, I think that I'm a pretty smart guy. I can make my way through a dense story. But this story is only dense in the sense that it's incredibly stupid. All the talking seems to be an excuse to move to another bland piece of action. It doesn't matter that the plot is impenetrably fuzzy.
But what about the action? Is it "kewl"? Does it "kick ass"? No, it doesn't. It's like watching someone play a computer game. It's tiresome and uninvolving. The only difference is that the graphics are better.
Ah, but what about the final battle I hear you say. Surely that must be good. Well, it's okay, I guess. Although having said that, for the most part it's pretty forgettable. The best lightsaber battle is the one in Return of the Jedi when Luke fights Vader. It has passion and bags of emotion. This, however, is full of pointless gimmicks - they climb onto a tower and it falls and over and they float across the lava on little robots while trying to strike one another. I love the lava backdrop but they should have kept it simple. It needs intensity not stupid "bits of business". But having said that, the battle does contain the one thing that I liked in the film. I loved it when Anakin got his legs chopped off and when he caught fire. Now that was "kewl"! Pity that Lucas had to mess up that piece of brutality with his embarrassing "Noooooooo!"