The worst of the Star Wars films

Rating: 3/10 (9 July 2005)

I came to Episode 3 full of hope. After two less than brilliant entries into the franchise, I thought mistakes would be fixed, ideas freshened and all loose ends tied up. I was wrong. I have seen better story lines in video games and professional wrestling, only they come with more interesting characters.
Like a car crash on screen, I knew what was going to happen. I knew it was going to be messy. I knew there would be pain. But I kept looking. Why did I keep looking? Why did George Lucas take my hand in his, with a gun in his other one, pointing at me? Why, George, why?
I hated all the characters, if 'character' could accurately be used to describe the CGI-generated bipeds on screen (although I'm told some human actors were used, but I couldn't tell which they were, due to the terrible acting). They were hollow shells, a facade, a covering for something that wasn't there inside, like a Kinder Surprise, but without the pleasing toy contained within.
Harrison Ford once said to George Lucas, "you can write this $h*t George, but you can't say it." At least in those days he had Harrison Ford to deliver the lines. Now everything spoken by the characters seems to have been taken out of the Big Book Of Bad Guy Clichés and Stan Lee's Guide To How Superheros Should Talk.
I'm getting angry now, so I'll stop. God, this film is terrible. To summarise:
Plot: Thinner than an bulimic pancake Characters: Less sympathetic than a mass murdering head cheerleader CGI: Pretty, but vacuous, like a mass murdering head cheerleader Dialogue: More corny than a poorly-maintained foot
Thank God Episode 4 is A New Hope. We need it after this.