Awful this movie is

Rating: 4/10 (17 May 2002)

CONTAINS SPOILERS Bored....bored, bored, bored, bored, bored. These are the best words to describe how I felt watching Attack of the Clones.
George Lucas has said that all a movie needs is a good opening 5 minutes and a great last 20. The rest is filler. Great if you've got a 25 minute short, not so good for a 2 hour plus feature. I'd heard there was meant to be great light-sabre battles etc but it soon became clear that George was holding these back for the final reel in a desperate effort to stop people walking out. Even when these much talked of duels did eventuate they weren't up to much chop. Yoda wouldn't stand a chance against Jackie Chan.
As it's a prequel we all know how it's going to end. Annakin has to at least begin to turn to the dark side. Now what's going to make him do that? Something pretty dramatic in a young fella's life. "I know" thinks George "lets knock off his Ma. She's not doing anyone any good just sitting around as a slave on Tatooine." So Mama Skywalker is soon worm food or at least the Tatooine equivalent. This sequence felt completely contrived as an excuse for Annakin to start to turn to the dark side. It always rankled with me that the Jedi are zooming around the universe standing for truth, justice and the Republic's way and yet they quite happily let the mother of one of their own remain a slave. At the very least where were Annakin's feelings towards his mother once he was old enough to do something about it himself?
Forget his Ma, my own theory on why the future Darth Vader goes bad is because he's been called Annie one time too many. He even becomes little orphan Annie by the end of the film. Imagine what people call him who really hate him? His ears must have turned blue hearing the songs sung by the crowd when he entered the Gladiator rip off arena.
My real issue with this though is that here was the supposed life altering moment. Annakin's Ma is dead and he's p***ed. How do we know? Well he tells us that he's wasted a village of tuscan raiders. And just to show he's an equal rights killer he tells us he killed the women and kids too. What's wrong with this? Movies are meant to be show not tell. Why not let us see him unleash the fury? That way we'd be more convinced he's as bad as 3 month old milk (and get to see a little more sabre action). Instead we only see him knock off a couple of guards before cutting to the next scene. No biggee. My grandmother knocks off a dozen evil henchmen on her way to church every Sunday. Oh that's right it's a PG rated movie. Women and kids being wasted by the hero has gotta bump up the rating and cut down the audience. And lets face it George isn't quite as rich as Bill Gates or God...yet. (He would be if he actually made a good Star Wars prequel).
So Annakin's gone through his magical moment and is supposedly on the down hill slide. You'd think this would be reinforced somehow by some subsequent action. For example, blatantly defying Obi Wan and jumping off a speeding transport to check on the woman to whom he's declared his love. But no.
And that's the crux of the problem, no character development. Annakin starts as a truculent youngster, his Mom dies so he wastes a few women and children (hey we've all got our faults), but then he goes back to being a truculent, impetuous teen. Yes Obi-Wan, no Obi-Wan, sorry Obi-Wan.
At the next election what ever you do don't vote Amidala. This girl has some serious judgement issues. Going out with Annakin when he's a nice Jedi is a no-no, but marrying him a day or so after he's wiped out a village and his mother bit the big one is okey-dokey. Repeat after me Natalie, "I did not have marital relations with that man, Mr Skywalker." Aw hell, she is the hotest politician I've ever seen. She can count on my vote.
Just a couple of other quick things that rankled: - Yoda can barely walk but when he needs to he moves like a stunt double in Crouching Tiger. - Master Yoda strains to halt moving objects yet novice Luke managers to raise his X wing from a swamp in Star Wars - Any planet with Jar Jar Binks as its representative deserves to be target practice for the prototype Death Star
I won't even mention the wooden acting, mind numbing dialogue and snail pace plot. Too late, damn, damn.
I loved Star Wars and Empire. Just a shame George couldn't capture the same spirit in his prequels. Third time's the charm?
A final thought: Can't wait to see how the 6'1" sotto voiced Hayden turns into the 6'7" (David Prowse) James Earl Jones sounding Darth Vader.