THE BEST FILM EVAH

Rating: Null/10 (16 May 2002)

Okay, so its actually a terrible movie. But thats what makes it so good! Like the wretchedly bad Spiderman, this movie's success lies in the unintended laughter it ellicits. George Lucas' sudden inability to write good dialogue is overshadowed only by his obscene lack of directorial talent. GIVE ME SPIELBERG! Though the man is loathe to me, he is good at what he does. However, the sad turth is, no matter how bad Lucas is, it doesn't matter now; he will still make millions off of each piture, in ticket sales, rentals, and of course, merchandising. Already, my home is flooded with Republic Gunships and Jedi and Clone troopers. And thats just the beginning. SOon come the myriad Lucasarts games, all of which will be terrible (note: some releases have been good, see Rogue Squadron or the X-Wing/Tie Fighter games.) Thus, Lucas is confident that no matter how bad he doe with Star Wars, it will be successful. And apparently, his actors know this too. From Natalie Portman to Samuel L. Jackson to Hayden Christensen, and yes, even Ewan MacGregor, every actor/ess in this movie is talented to the extreme. See Natalie in Heat or The Professional, see Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction or Jackie Brown, see Hayden Christensen in Life as a House, see Ewan MacGregor in Trainspotting or Moulin Rouge, all display fine talent. So why do they all sleep through this movie? Similarily, what the hell was wrong with Ewan and Liam Neeson in Episode One? Have you ever seen Rob Roy? Liam! Come on! All the actors in these movies wander about aimlessly, delivering the terrible lines, which they do have the power to make work, with equally terrible skill. And I'm not even going to discuss Christopher "Count Dooku" Lee.
Of course, the movie was not all bad. A promised, the special effects delivered a knockout punch. All the planets were beautiful, save Coruscant, which, as the legion of books describe it, as approriately yucky. Those of us that rushed to theaters to see Lucas' previous sellout, Star Wars Special Eition, might have caught a glimpse of Coruscant in Return of the Jedi, as a staute of Palpatine is cast down. And seriously, George, your not fooling anybody. We all know Darth Sidious is Palpatine and later the Emperor; it says so on the damn movie's box! So why do you still rely on the suspense created by the mystery of who Sidious really is??? Sigh. At least Yoda got to wield a lightsaber. Of course, at this point, I just had to laugh, exhausted as my laughing lungs were after two straight hours of high pitched giggles. As the little green guy goes flying about, you have to wonder; what will Lucas try next? He's done the doubleside Lightsaber, he's done two lightsabers at once, and now he's even done flying Yoda. Where can he go from here? The answer, of course, is four lightsabers!!! Aaaahhhhh! Thats right, four lightsabers, wielded perhaps by that statue from the golden voyage of sinbad (btw, Sinbad beats this movie hands-down). Thats right, a stone jedi. Who wants some? I certainly don't. Not even an army of yoda clones could hope to overcome this stone behemoth. And speaking of overcoming, as e've all seen in return of the jedi, Palpatine is capable of whipping both Skywalker's asses at once, so what does he need either of them for? And why is it so much cooler to go the darkside? I mean, if you're good, especially if you're the "chosen one", you tend to lose limbs. If you're bad, you can shoot lightning from your finger tips. Does this seem fair? No. The answer is no it doesn't.
Sigh. Why is it that, with a shoestring budget and terrible technology the original Star Wars (Episode IV: A New Hope) as a film still far surpassed all the new, 400 gazillion dollar films? I mean, the budget was so low, Lucas couldn't even afford posters with the movie's whole name. And I'm sorry, Luke Skywalker may not have known kung fu or jiu jitsu or even had a really cool lightsaber, and yet, why is he so much more lovable than any of these newbies? Why do we still laugh at Han Solo, while we cry whenever Jar-Jar opens is mouth? Why is it that, as the token black guy, Mace Windu cant hold a torch to Lando Calrissian? Why is Jango the father of Boba, when Boba is obviously fifty times cooler (and a whole head taller, haha)? Why is it that, despite her superior looks, Amidala is still not half the princess Leia was? And what happend to STAR wars! I want to see spaceships flying through trenches, a la Episode IV, or fantastic fleet engagements, a la Return of the Jedi! Aaah, p***er. Dont waste your money on this, just wait for the Ultra Special Fully Restored Widescreen Collector's Edition to hit stores in 2145, along with the newest line of fully poseable action figures. I'll take two amidalas, please.