Didn't think anything could be WORSE than Phantom Menace...

Rating: Null/10 (17 May 2002)

I didn't think it was possible. I seriously, literally, did not think it could be possible to make a movie more horrendously atrocious than Phantom Menace. And yet, against ALL ODDS, George manages to do this. Now don't get me wrong, there are plenty of INDIVIDUAL scenes that are incredible. In isolation they would be worth watching over and over. But the movie as a whole, the manner in which we go from one scene to the next (as well as the entire love "story") is complete and utter trash.
George needs to learn a few things before he goes making another movie again:
1) HIRE AN EDITOR. Hire someone whose nose isn't (you know what I mean) who can make CRITICAL REMARKS about the MASSIVELY IDIOTIC THINGS you do in your movie, so that they can be CUT OUT BEFORE IT IS RELEASED.
2) YOU NEED A STORY. If you have a story for an action/adventure flick, it is NOT TO BE COMPLICATED.
3) YOU NEED CHARACTERS. Characters are supposed to have PERSONALITY. They are not lame excuses for horrible jokes, blank stares, pathetic dialogue, and a device to move your sad excuse for a plot along.
4) LET ME SEE YOUR BEAUTIFUL SCENERY. If you are going to make beautifully rendered CG scenes, PLEASE let me look at them for LONGER THAN 2-1/2 SECONDS.
5) A FANCY GRAPHICS ALGORITHM IS NOT AN EXCUSE TO USE IT. I don't care if you think your k-rad reflective graphics is cool, it's not an excuse to make every ship a boring reflective silver bullet from Flight of the Navigator.
6) SHOW DON'T TELL, SHOW DON'T TELL !!!!SHOW DON'T TELL!!!! If Anakin and Padme are in love with each other than SHOW ME they are in love with each other, don't have scene after scene after horrible gut-wrenching scene of them SAYING they love each other (in the most awkward stilted dialogue ever to grace the presence of a non-MST3K'd movie)
7) FOR GOD'S SAKE, AT LEAST USE REAL FOOD! I know CG is awesome. I know it is IMPOSSIBLE to do certain things without it. But for Pete's sake, please use real food for your characters! No wonder everyone had such a hard time acting since every session must have been them sitting alone in costume in a blank blue room.
8) DON'T LET "COOL STUFF" GET IN THE WAY OF GENUINE EMOTION AND ACTING. I know it's great that Anakin can flip his light sabre around like a bad mofo and leap through the air and all. But for all that, the sabre duels from SW4-6 were so much better. Not everything needs to be ultramegamega-flashy-keen. When Luke was consumed with hate all his style and grace went out the window and you SAW that hate when he was swinging that "elegant weapon" like nothing more than a club or meat cleaver. When Anakin is "consumed with hate" you wouldn't know it given that nothing changes, not even how he wields his weapon.
9) IT'S THE DARK SIDE, NOT THE WHINE SIDE. What? Anakin bitching and whining and crying about how it totally sucks to be a teenager is like, somehow, "dark" and "angry"? Well at least we know where Luke gets it from, though apparently Darth Vader is Luke x10 in the "whine" department.
10) STOP TYING IN EVERY SINGLE ITEM AND CHARACTER UNDER THE SUN FROM THE OLD STAR WARS IN THE NEW ONES. What, so C3PO worked with Owen and Beru back in the day? AND HE DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE WHO THEY WERE 20 YEARS LATER WHEN THEY BOUGHT HIM FROM THE JAWAS?! ARGH! Just 'cuz someone was in the last movie DOES NOT mean that his father, or himself, or his cousin, or whatever MUST be in the new ones! (But the whole Boba/Jango(sp?) thing was cool, I admit)
11) THE SOUND OF MUSIC HAS NO PLACE IN STAR WARS. 'Nuff said.
I for one can't wait for Star Wars fans to get the film in digital form, EDIT THE PATOOEY OUT OF IT, and re-release a fan-made NON-CRAPPY version of the movie.