A timeless Classic of this Pointless Era

Rating: Null/10 (1 June 2002)

The New Star Wars films present us with a saga that will last a lunchtime. Episode I was filmed in 20 minutes, Episode II took even longer. Every blunder George Lucas made in The Phantom Menace he did away with in the Clone Wars, so to make room for all new blunders. The movie is action packed, it is so action packed that one tends to forget the plot, as well as the action. The movie opens with Anakin, who is now a teenager who's primary interests are girls, video games, and punk metal, and his mentor Obi Wan Kenobi chasing an assassin through the Red Light District of A Galaxy far, far away. I first saw this chase scene in the movie theater, and about 15 minutes into it people were heard asking "Does anyone know what this is about?" They still had no answer at the end. After this, Anakin is assigned to transport Senator Natalie Portman to another, safer area. When Portman first appears she is wearing a lot of clothes, and a weird hat, but the audience need not worry: By the end of the movie she will look more like Britney Spears. Meanwhile, Obi Wan Kanobi finds out that Mr. Fett (the father of Boba Fett, who's first appearance was in the second Star Wars film-- A STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL-- though he was far more prominent in THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK) is building an army of clones for some reason which apparently was too important. So far, sounds better than Episode I, right? Well don't worry, JAR JAR BINKS IS BACK!!! And better than ever! But I won't tell how, because this is too important a plot point to spoil. What really amazes me about this movie, though, is that it is far more violent than I'd like to see Star Wars be. It involved more than just the innocent fights of the original Star Wars, this time we get to see people get their heads bitten off and such. Unlike the Trilogy, I would not take little children to see this movie. But this can't surprise us. George Lucas had almost 20 years to think of a way to make a round peg fit a square hole (Which is what he is doing--- trying to create a prequel to something that was not meant to have a prequel), but instead he gives us nonsense. If you're looking for a good movie to make out with a date during, I reccomend Star Wars Episode II: The Clone Wars, because you won't be missing anything.