I'll Try To Be Nice...

Rating: Null/10 (26 March 2005)

I once wrote a beyond scathing review of this film that compared George Lucuas to a dictator we shall leave nameless, and went on to describe his blasphemous decision regarding the release of only the Special Edition DVD's as a rape of classic film.
I'll do my best to be nicer and more focused on the horrid excuse of a Star Wars movie...no...horrid excuse of a movie that is Episode Two. I remember going to the theater, extremely excited, soaking in the nerdy atmosphere of childish bliss, knowing that even if the movie sucked it would still have an awesome lightsaber fight in the end. You can imagine how I felt leaving, provided only with a lame Gladiator/Rancor scene ripoff, an all too brief fight where Obi-Wan gets his butt handed to him, and two subsequent lightsaber fights that could have been great but wound up being trite, meaningless five-second bouts.
What was Lucas thinking when he wrote the scene when Anikan and Padme are sitting in the fields talking about politics...and what was he drinking when he wrote the following scene where Anikan rides some bulbous brown alien beast that looks more like something you'd find in an Episode of South Park? The man's talent has been drained by his children, as well as this once well-crafted space opera which has grown far out of his control.
He has attempted to put it back into his control, obviously, but it seems now that he's doing everything he wants, he is forgetting all that is good about story telling, dialogue, and action sequences. Episode II is nothing but a filler, a mish-mash of flashing lights and colors that tries so desperately to have validity through a few shadows and dark, brown leather tunics.
I almost feel bad for Lucas after watching this movie. Because he honestly seems to think it's good. It is not. Episode II is a yellow brick road that leads nowhere near as cool as Emerald City. It just keeps going round and round with a parade of irritating Munjkin like characters that have no develop, utter the dumbest lines in the world, and ultimately end up being inconsequential.
This doesn't even feel like a Star Wars movie. It seems like a lame TV rip off CBS might do. Even Episode One had a sense of grand epic scope, going from undeniably exciting pod-race scenes to superb lightsaber duels. And at least Liam Neeson was in that one. Schiendler with a Lightsaber is a winning combination.
The strongest aspect of Episode Two is Ewan McGregor and Jango Fett. Their battle through the asteroid ring was, in fact, cool. But Obi-Wan Kenobi, the only important character besides Anikan that links the two series', is not given hardly enough screen-time. Lucan has denied this character in both prequals and this is his greatest flaw, not the abysmal love story, not the unending special affects, but his inability to provide us with characters that hold half as much interest as the original cast. Ewan does an excellent job with the little that he is given and if only Lucas has not explored the benefits of developer that character.
I have high hopes for Episode III. I will go see it, despite the fact that I once wanted to start a boycott of it. The fact that it's PG-13 and the last Star Wars ever is reason enough to see it. Lucas has a lot of work to do if he is to be redeemed.
The Revenge of the Fans will be far worse than that of the Sith if we're given another Episode II.