Episode II: Send in the Clowns

Rating: 1/10 (6 April 2004)

The Star Wars universe to me, and to thousands of others like me, has a grip on our childhood and great memories past. Sure, the Star Wars universe will always be seen is an amazing cinematic achievement, however, it's unquestionably plain as the nose on Jar-Jar's face that `Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones' is a bad movie. This harsh statement needs to be said and not ignored if only because of the juggernaut it spawned from. The faith I once had is gone, the force can't help good old George's name out from under the thick layer of mud it resides.
The opening ten minutes of `The Phantom Menace' was actually quite captivating. This time there is nothing to give you that false hope; it jumps right into the drudgery with some poor action scenes and explosions (`The Fifth Element' comes to mind here). New alien creatures are great fun but Lucas has approached the thousand-something new monsters and robots alike featured in Episode II with the guidance of 20th Century Fox marketing executives. CGI (computer generated imagery) was painfully overdone which caused distractions in the story all the way through. Actually, now that I think about it there wasn't really much of a substantial a story to follow. Just inane characters wandering around with `no clue' plastered all over their faces and a few minor events toward the end to get us up to date chronologically. And with the entire political backdrop in the narrative I wonder if kids will understand at all. I know politics always put me to sleep when I was a lad.
Talking of bad characters, most of them fail because of bad scripting. Who the hell did they think they would impress. Even little Timmy buying Darth Maul action figures from K-mart could give Lucas tips on what is good dialogue and what is just plain corny. All the other actors, although talented, came off looking like props. Oh yah and Jar-Jar was back for a few short scenes, still horrible and making you cringe, and Hayden Christensen annoys the living daylights out of you every time he's on screen. Badly miscast (again!) as Anikan and I fear that he's too whiny for audience respect.
`Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones' offers you almost nothing for your time. I can't express the disappointment I - a Star Wars fan - felt walking out of the cinema. Alas, the Star Wars universe has walked out on us. Directing was so bad it surprises me George Lucas gets any respect at all now. Acting was flat, CGI was bad and the script was written on the back of a napkin. Upside was the sound effects and score was amazing. Some good action sequences and great art design only diluted by the CGI overdose. Tips for Lucas might be; get someone *else* into to write the script and add new dimension; hire someone to direct like you did with Empire and Jedi Â– they might be able to draw something out of the actors; tone down the blue screen stuff because even the Muppet Yoda had more soul than the CGI Mighty Mouse one in these films; and return some of the 50's Matinee style that inspired the originals which gave characters like Han Solo and Chewbacca some charm and the perilous action a bit exuberance. All those lucky enough to experience the original trilogy before this apocalyptic fiasco can tell the next generation about the good old days. Sadly, it's the end of a dynasty for this withered fable.
2 out of 5