George Lucas, what were you thinking?

Rating: 9/10 (16 May 2002)

If you go into Attack of the Clones thinking that it will be the Star Wars you've been waiting for ever since The Empire Strikes Back, you'll be sorely disappointed. If you go into Attack of the Clones thinking it'll be a pretty fun flick, even if it doesn't manage to come close to the original Star Wars or The Empire Strikes Back, as is the case with Return of the Jedi and The Phantom Menace, you'll be sorely disappointed. If you go into Attack of the Clones expecting much of anything, really, you'll be sorely disappointed. George Lucas, what were you thinking? I'm just going to go down a list of things that stood out to me (minor spoilers are given):
1. The romance. Lucas must have had sap on the brain when writing this melodramatic excuse for a love affair. This relationship should have been something special. At the very least, it shouldn't have been embarrassing. This is honestly one of the most moronic things I've ever seen put on the screen. The audience busted out laughing with EVERY SINGLE LINE that fell flatly from the lover's lips. With lines such as, "I don't like sand ... it's not soft and smooth like you" how could they not?
2. Hayden Christensen cannot act. This Canadian pretty boy should have stuck with soap operas. Hayden Christensen makes Jake Lloyd look like a Thespian. Then again, he was good in Life as a House. Maybe it's not his acting but the fact that ...
3. George Lucas can't direct actors. This is Lucas's worst attempt, yet. I don't think he's even trying, anymore.
4. No one can act in the movie, with possible exception made for Ewan McGregor, who does a good imitation of Alec Guinness.
5. We've been here before. It's always fun when Lucas throws a line or two in from past Star Wars films, but this movie is one big cut and paste. It's tedious, and Lucas has run out of ideas. The, "I've got a bad feeling about this" line is becoming similar to Bond's, "shaken, not stirred." The audience just wonders when it's going to come, and when it does, it's obvious the only reason it came was to get it out of the way.
6. Why are all the Clone Troopers CGI? What happened to people in costumes? If I wanted to see a cartoon, I'd pay for one.
7. Jango Fett. See "Clone Trooper" comment above.
8. Some of the worst special effects ever. Sure, Yoda looks simply incredible, as far as CGI goes, but what's up with the scene with Anakin riding that cow sort of things to impress Amidala? Or how about C3PO flying around the factory? These effects are inexcusable.
9. This didn't feel like Star Wars. It felt like a movie ripping off Star Wars. Something wasn't right.
10. I wonder if HE ever saw Close Encounters. Those aliens Obi-Wan encounter look just a little *too* close to the long-necked aliens from Spielberg's classic.
11. This wasn't dark. All you people saying this is dark, shut up. It isn't.
12. The comedy. Even worse than in The Phantom Menace. Out of the dozens of attempted jokes only one or two really work.
13. Lack of war in the stars. Where were the space battles? What is this crap? Wasn't this called Star Wars for a reason?
14. Why don't you spell it out for us, George? The plot seems like it was written for 2 year olds. Nothing is subtle. Every so often Anakin gets a nasty look on his face and breathes heavily as Darth Vader's theme begins playing. I was waiting for a scrolling message to appear on the bottom of the screen letting us all know that, "the person above will turn into Darth Vader. Please notice foreboding music and nasty facial expressions. Aren't we clever?"
15. No fun. Outside of a couple scenes, the movie just wasn't fun, and the frenetic energy of past Star Wars films is no where to be found.
16. Lightsaber battle with non-CGI characters was worst saber battle in any Star Wars film. It's all a bunch of close-ups with everyone pretty much standing stationary. Where's Darth Maul when you need him? I love Christopher Lee, but this old guy doesn't cut it when it comes to an awesome Lightsaber duel.
17. Why was that guy who used to be on NYPD Blue in there? His role was pointless. Give it to somebody whose face we don't recognize, if you have to put in such a pointless part in the first place. Watching NYPD Man was distracting.
18. Pointless cameos from characters in past movies. It didn't work this time. Very obvious and irritating.
19. Amidala was a wimp. This lady can't be the mother of Princess Leia. Lucas reduced Amidala down to a sniffling little tramp with nothing much to do, other than make puppy dog eyes and play the victim.
20. Exposition. We get at least an hour of it. It's delivered without an ounce of panache. It's dull, lifeless, monotone. Everyone is acting in front of a blue screen, and it shows
21. Too long. This movie DRAGS. It could have been at least 20 minutes shorter. So many useless moments and characters. With all that high-tech stuff over at Lucasfilm, it's amazing they still haven't picked up an editing machine.
22. Yoda rules. I loved it. It's worth a trip to the Box Office once just to see Yoda get nasty.
I didn't hate this movie. It just happens to be the first Star Wars movie I didn't love. I didn't even like it, actually.