Attack of the Clowns

Rating: 2/10 (22 January 2016)

My brother once asked me, "What is Attack of the Clones" about. My answer: "It's about two hours and 20 minutes too long." While I hoped that George Lucas might push the reset button and go back to telling a story about characters we cared about, my hopes were dashed when Star Wars Attack of the Clones. There have been several attempts on Amidalla's (Natalie Portman) life. The attacks continue when she returns to Corsuscant to meet two old friends: Ben Kenobi (Ewan MacGregor) and Anakin Skywalker (Hayden Christianssen). They go after one attempted assassin who turns out to be Jango Fett, the father of Boba. Curious, Ben Kenobi does an investigation that leads him to a distant world in which an alien race has created an army of clones under the direction and dealing of a former Jedi, Dooku. This way, the Empire can now have a standing army. The template is based on Jango Fett (so I guess he was a lousy shot with a blaster?). Meanwhile, Anakin and Padme go to her home world of Naboo and start to fall in love. Anakin starts to resent the Jedi order as he feels Kenobi is not treating him well. He returns to Tatooine to visit his mother. She has been kidnapped by the Tusken Raiders and Anakin finds her just as she dies. He goes berserk. Returning to Padme, he confides in her and their loves grows. They decide to find Ben Kenobi on the planet of Geonosis, home world of the Trade Federation. Through a series of events, all three survive a battle droid factory, are put in an arena with large, mean alien animals, and join a large Jedi battle against the Trade Federation. Joining them are the new clone troops. This eventually leads to Count Dooku (Christopher Lee) where Anakin, Kenobi, and Yoda all do their best with their Light Sabers, but come up short. My first gripe was the pacing of the plot: slow. Moreover, the exposition usually resides in people sitting and talking to let the audience know its plot points. My second gripe was the acting coupled with the worst dialog since Captain Kirk's monologues in the TV version of Star Trek. In fact, Christianssen's lame acting rivals that of Shatner, although the latter was usually tongue-in-cheek about it. There is absolutely no chemistry between Anakin and Padme. Again, we have epic characters who don't care, because the actors do not care. It boils down again to Lucas who cares more about sets and special effects instead of telling a story. As a matter of fact, I found this one the most boring of the entire franchise. I struggled in staying awake at a point in this movie. Even worse, I felt like leaving at one point, but stayed thinking "This might get better." I was wrong. At least the light saber battle in Phantom Menace provided a little bit of entertainment because it was truly different and innovative. This was Lucas at his worst.