A real disappointment (spoilers)...

Rating: Null/10 (26 July 2002)

With the latest `Star Wars' film, George Lucas has done the impossible. He has returned with a darker, more action-packed story. He has sidelined Jar-Jar Binks. He has listened to much of the widespread fan-criticism of the previous installment. Sounds good, right? Yet he has still made a film that is much, much worse. `Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones' is a true disappointment in every sense of the word - not merely a dismissible letdown, but a disastrous wreck that may make you uneasy as you file out of the auditorium. And the key to understanding this film's failure is in the first two words of the title: `Star Wars.' Sure, as an average sci-fi popcorn flick it would still be a bloated `Pearl Harbor'-ish pooch-screw, but frankly, `Star Wars' is more than `average' for most moviegoers. I wasn't expecting `Godfather II,' but for Pete's sake, the almost-universally-ripped - but still somewhat enjoyable - `Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace' merely hinted of the glaring miscalculations and squandered opportunities to come.
I'll dispense with the pleasantries before getting down to business - for there are a few diamonds amidst the massive rough, even if they are still tainted by the film's massive shortcomings. Ewan McGregor's uncanny Alec Guinness impersonation is great to watch, even if the film gives him little to work with. Early in the film, there's an awesome-looking confrontation between Obi Wan and a certain bounty hunter; too bad it's about as exciting as tying one's shoes. The obligatory epic lightsaber battle is rousing, much less than before, but still a kick. And there's a fun moment at the end of the film that I will not spoil, even though you've probably caught wind of it by now (you'll know it when everyone in the theater goes bonkers). Too bad it is completely ridiculous and out-of-character, pandering to the lowest common denominator of all: crowd-pleasing. Oh yeah, and the special-effects range from pretty good to terrific - much like staring at a pretty picture hanging on the wall in front of you. `Oh, that's.neat,' I thought, but the effects shots are never too involving or too interesting. Too bad, they are all Lucas seems to care about these days.
The big problem here, ladies and gentlemen, is that this film just isn't enjoyable. It's cold and detached, which was the last thing I expected from a `Star Wars' film. Of course, it's action-saturated and filled with many anticipated plot developments, but none of these are executed in any admirable manner. The first act is marginally promising, wasting little time before events begin to unfold. It teases you with the prospects that the film might get better. But the second act is like watching paint dry. Hairs will grow on your ass during this utterly un-involving stretch of celluloid. We're expected to watch an unfolding love story with some of the lamest, most one-dimensional characters and dialogue ever (although that `I hate sand, wanna do it?' line from Anakin surely delivers some camp value). Natalie Portman is jaw-droppingly gorgeous, with cool costumes to boot, but problems unfortunately surface when she opens her mouth. A little bit later in the film, something interesting happens when Anakin finally finds his kidnapped mother - but the film cuts away from its own emotional climax at the Tuskin Raider camp. I assume this is because Lucas didn't know how to handle such an emotional scene. Or maybe he just didn't want to (gasp!) inject some verve into the picture. So finally we reach the third act - when Lucas says 'aw hell' and throws everything but the kitchen sink on to the screen - and it's bedlam; it's an overblown flood of dizzying effects, creatures, etc. with nary a drop of the inspiration or sass that made everyone love the original trilogy. Want more? The movie is, in the end, flat, lifeless, and dead-in-the-water.
I've mentioned most of the positive aspects in the film here, but it would be hard to find the time to discuss every single drawback. If anyone ever wishes to do so, let's just say they have their work cut out for them. Being a `Star Wars' fan, I'd really love to give this one an A - but unfortunately it isn't getting anything higher than a D from me.