We Should Have Known

Rating: 1/10 (16 May 2002)

After sitting through Episode 1, with it lifeless acting, atrocious dialogue, highly contrived action and poorly designed aliens, what were any of us thinking?
I guess we held out hope that Lucas would come to his senses and devote less energy to creating digital "worlds" and invest more in what makes a movie a movie --- a believable plot, quality dialogue, competent direction and some type of emotional resonance.
Attack Of The Clones barely qualifies as a movie.
It is as if the computers came up with the digital worlds before Lucas wrote the script. Instead of human actors with special effects we have computer generated images with human effects. The people in this movie are the window dressing.
When Special Effects replace reality they cease to be "special". When actors must react with and talk to what amounts to empty space, their actions can never be truly natural.
But forget about the clunky CGI-Human interaction. Pretend the battle scenes don't play out like a bunch of people in a Virtual Reality simulator. You can still salvage something from the story, right?
Maybe an interesting character or dynamic or an original and unseen development or even some high drama.
Right?
Not a chance.
It basiclly boils down to the dialogue and delivery, both of which are so "on-the-nose" that they will be forever included in screenwriting books as How Not To Do It.
This is the most expositional movie in recorded history.
The dialogue is unbelievably simple-minded, expository (in the worst sense) and downright stupid. You'd almost believe that English is a second language for Lucas.
If the Phantom Menace was written for 10 year olds, Attack of the Clones was exclusively intended to be beamed into the womb for fetuses.
The...awww, you know what...who cares? No one listens to critical commentary any more anyway.
Idiots will pump up his movie based upon one or two 1 minute scenes that involve their favorite characters "kicking ass."
Where was "kicking ass" in the first trilogy? I tell you, it didn't exist. Why? Because those stories were about something more than the battles and shooting and the fighting. Their was real drama, real danger and real fun.
AOTC is not fun on any level --- how many times can a person force laughter before they begin to feel as fake as what they are viewing?
All i can say is --- the emperor, along with his slavishly loyal fanbase, have no clothes. AOTC is false storytelling at it's worst.
And the action? At least there is good action to rival the first trilogy?
No.
The action is terrible for the most part. Actors fighting thin air that is later made into monsters or droids or clones in Lucas' computers. And you can tell.
Natalie Portman aims her gun at nothing in particular as she stares into the middle distance. Jedis run around (and sometimes through) non-existent obstacles, blocking non-existent laser bolts that were not added later.
The attempt to blend live action with Total CGI doesn't work --- on any level.
I really hope this movie stands as a lesson for some filmmakers out there. Just because you can make it in a frigging computer doesn't mean it will be believable on screen.
Yes, some of the static sets are mind-blowing but again, who cares? If the characters are as lifeless as droids, no matter how good the background looks --- you don't have a movie! You have a special effects reel, you have a proof of concept.
Wow...here i go again...I just can't stop slamming this movie...but then again...
Lucas doesn't owe me anything and even if I felt he did, the original trilogy is more than enough to cover three terribly crappy prequels. And it is not all Lucas --- it's his visual effects people, his designers and his writing partner --- his committee, if you will.
But then again...
Lucas is in charge and he must accept responsibility.
See George, After Episode 1, I wanted to like AOTC but had no expectations of a return to greatness.
Now after seeing it and writing this cathartic commentary, I'm just completely indifferent.
Who really cares anymore?
It's obvious, Mr. Lucas, that you don't, so why should we?