Love, Mystery, Clone War

Rating: 5/10 (19 May 2002)

MINOR SPOILERS AHEAD
When the curtain went up on Star Wars II, at midnight, first Saturday screening of the film here in the UK, the audience clapped, whooped, yelled, made Chewbacca sounds. Some had come a long way especially to see it in this 2000-seat digital projection cinema. The point, for those who have criticised critics for not 'getting it' about Star Wars, is this: everyone wanted to love Epsiode II. We don't WANT to be disappointed.

In the spirit of marketing, I've split this review into 3, corresponding to the trailers that stirred up fevered anticipation.
'LOVE'
The romance between Anakin and Padme has been described as clunky, awkward. It's a funny description, because there is more chemistry between R2 and C3PO in one scene of any of the IV-VI movies than there are between our two protagonists for the whole of AOTC. This romance is not clunky, it is frankly quite stupid. Anakin comes across as a completely unsympathetic lecher, and Padme, well, as kind of dumb. By the time we saw them rolling down a hill together, the audience was groaning, and we knew we were in for a LONG wait. Their dialogue sounds fake, and for those of you who say go see ROTJ, at no point did it sound as fake as this. Campy in a fun way, but not to the depths of hell that we were dragged through in this 'courtship'. As one girl whispered, 'Can't we just get to the good bits?'
There is one touching scene: as they are wheeled out for execution, Padme whispers to Anakin her love, the love of those who are about to die. If by that time we cared, that scene would have raised a tear in the ladies.
Grade: 3/10
'MYSTERY'
What is good about AOTC? Well simple: everything in the plot involving Obi-Wan. You saw it in the trailer: "they are using a bounty hunter named Jango Fett to build a clone army." Our interest was genuinely piqued when Obi-Wan arrived at this shrouded waterworld. My skin definitely crawled when I saw clones every where. And, when the clone makers asked Obi-Wan, so when would you like to take delivery, I thought: OK. This is pretty OK. This is a mystery.
Bad news, guys. We never find out. Sure, we know its you-know-who, but we don't have the satisfaction of seeing some closure and some anticipation. What made Ep V great? Ep V was great because you wanted to see what happened next: they were already in the midst of planning Han Solo's rescue. What happens in Ep II? "Well, we should watch the Senate for suspicious moves." "Agreed." Oh man.
But its still OK. If there's one thing we're looking forward to, its the future emperor's grand design. As they say here in England, it's all coming together nicely.
Grade: 6.5/10
'CLONE WAR'
Special FX rawks! Cool, clone gunships, just like in Nam! Armies and armies of clones vs droids! Missiles, artillery barrages, troop transports, AT-AT predecessors! Did you see that landing ship unload the walker and fly off? Awesome!
And the Jedi! A huge Jedi battle! Omigod, they're DYING Jedi can't die! And YODA! (And here I have to quote a previous reviewer here at IMDB), Yoda, THE AMAZING GREEN BALL OF DEATH!
Grade: 9/10
Summary and prescription:
1. Lucas, stick to the plot, the gizmos and the vision. You invented the lightsabre, the AT-AT walker, the A-, B-, X-, and Y-wing fighters and the Death Star, to name a few. There were no gizmos we could love in AOTC.
2. Leave the voice directing and script to others. Stop being such a cheapskate and pay/beg Larry Kasdan or someone as good to write for you again. And if the fact that there's too much CGI meaning you need to be in 2 places at once and so you have to direct: TAKE A CLUE. There's too much CGI!
OVERALL GRADE: 6/10