What a piece of (fun) junk! 987 words

Rating: 4/10 (30 May 2002)

--Some Spoilers--
First off, let me say I'm a HUGE Star Wars fan--I can recite each line of dialogue from the original trilogy in my sleep. Heck, I even liked Phantom Menace--even though it was a bit disappointing. And I had a great time seeing Clones at the theatre (Mann Chinese, baby!) with my friends.
This movie, though, stinks. It stinks BAD. I still enjoyed it simply because it's Star Wars, but unfortunately I've got to put this film on my list of the top ten worst movies EVER MADE in the history of film. There are some fantastic qualities about this movie which I'll get to, but IMHO what sinks this movie are two things: script and direction (hmmm...George Lucas was responsible for both of those things!).
First off, this movie just didn't FEEL like Star Wars. Even with the disappointment of TPM, I still felt like I was in the Star Wars universe. Watching Clones was like watching a generic video game. I think most of this is due to the fact that nearly every frame of this movie is almost completely computer generated. Clones shares more with last year's Final Fantasy than it does Star Wars.
Now the script. Hoo boy, there are no words to describe how awful, how horrendous, how gut-wrenchingly putrescent it is. Good lines are few and VERY far between. I think that the so-called 'love story' portion of the movie is literally the worst piece of trash I've ever seen in my life. It is on the level of really bad community college theatre, perhaps even as low as really bad high school theatre. This isn't the actor's fault, mind you. They did an admirable job with the stinking pile of dooku that they had to work with. Can anyone tell me WHY Padme falls in love with Anakin?!? The moment he lays eyes on her he starts working his mojo WAY too hard, which she doesn't go for at all. Suddenly, and for no particular reason, she's being charmed by him and admitting she has feelings for him! All she's seen him do are whine about Obi-Wan, undress her with his eyes, and confess to slaughtering an entire village of Sandpeople! Wow, enough to woo any girl. Every scene of their 'love story' consists of them--COMPLETELY ALONE (even though she's "not interested" in him and her life is in danger)--sitting in front of some lovely and romantic computer generated image. It's as if the only reason they fall in love is because George told them to. Completely inorganic, totally forced (no pun intended). And oh man, the lines they say to each other...most of the people in the audience were laughing out loud at how stupid they were.
Oh, and did I forget to mention Anakin's 'nightmare'? Honestly, does anyone at Lucasfilm WATCH these movies before they're released?
And I'll be darned if I can tell you what the plot was. Memento made more sense than Clones. You know it's a bad sign when the opening crawl finishes and your first thought is...huh? Something about two different planets creating two different armies, one for the Republic--commissioned by some Jedi who supposedly died ten years ago but maybe not (what? I still don't get that--who is this missing Jedi?), and another droid army for the Separatists, who are led by arch-villain...wait for it, wait for it...COUNT DOOKU!!! You'd think there'd be SOMEONE who could stand up to Lucas and say things like "Maybe 'Dooku' isn't the best name for our bad guy, George, whaddaya think?"
Not only is the plot confusing, but so many of the scenes are ripoffs of every other sci-fi/adventure movie movie out there. Blade Runner, 5th Element, Matrix, Starship Troopers, Gladiator, Galaxy Quest (for goodness sake GQ was MAKING FUN of conveyor belt/chompy-thingie scenes!)--Clones steals from them all and does none of it as well (well, maybe except for the speeder chase--that kicked butt).
The direction is also uniformly bad. After two movies, it's clear now that Lucas's only concern is with digital technology. He doesn't give a rip about plot or acting. The best part is when Padme falls out of the troopship. She appears to be badly injured when some clone troopers arrive to help her. "Are you alright?" they ask. "Yes," CGI-Padme says, leaping to her feet and trotting down the hill as if nothing happened!!! I'm also really bummed that Lucas finally found a way to ruin Threepio and Artoo. Oh man does 3P0 suck in this movie!
Okay, now the good stuff:
1) Ewan McGregor. He's a fantastic actor, and the most interesting character in both prequels so far.
2) Hayden. I thought he did a good job, given the script he had to work with, of working in typical teenage angst, being upset with Obi-Wan (fighting with Dad), while at the same time showing flashes of nascent adulthood as well as the sparks of evil that will one day consume him. Props!
3) The visuals. Undeniably some of the most jaw-dropping ever put on screen. The problem is that it eventually becomes too much. Nothing is real and by the end you walk out feeling as if you just watched the coolest videogame ever, instead of feeling like you just watched a Star Wars movie.
4) Yoda. He rocks, plain and simple, although I MUCH prefer the puppet. His training the kids scene was great!
5) Christopher Lee.
6) The first 30 minutes.
7) Jango.
Not that you care, but here's what you need to do, George:
1) Figure out what you want the story of EpIII to be about, then LET SOMEONE ELSE DO THE WRITING.
2) HIRE AN ACTING DIRECTOR so you can concentrate on what you love best--the visuals.
3) And HIRE PEOPLE THAT WON'T JUST BE YES-MEN.
5/10 and that's generous because it's Star Wars.