George Lucas is raping his own corpse

Rating: Null/10 (28 May 2002)

I think I've only read about 100 of the reviews for AOTC, and there seems to be a mostly even division regarding the film's worth. I'd say about 40% pro, and 60% con.
There are 4 groups of people I want to address in my review, since every conceivable spoiler has already been revealed (not very difficult to do for a movie with a $2 plot) and the many flaws have already been pointed out.
PEOPLE WHO WERE VAGUELY DISAPPOINTED WITH AOTC: You are not alone. And it's not that there's anything wrong with you; you didn't like this movie because it was truly bad. Don't let your standards slip so low that you can no longer separate good movies from dross like this. Be ever vigilant. Demand better films.
PEOPLE WHO HATED AOTC: My brothers (and sisters)...seeing your reviews does my heart good.
PEOPLE WHO LOVED AOTC: Please do not tell other, unwitting filmgoers to see this dud. It is cruel to trick people into throwing their money away. Attack Of The Clones was NOT a good movie, no matter how much you enjoyed the original trilogy, no matter how many figures you own, no matter how good your Darth Maul costume was last year, and no matter how many times you've paid for Jeremy Bullock's autograph. This movie was bad. (See other reviews for details on HOW it was bad.) For anyone to give rave reviews to a film with so little going for it is like a child saying that a restaurant served "good" food when all they offer is chocolate bars, cotton candy, and Jolt cola; you don't really know what "good" is. Attack Of The Clones is the cinematic equivalent of junk food. You will receive no nourishment of any kind from seeing it.
Contrary to some of the posts I've read, the acting wasn't even remotely decent, the storyline was NOT compelling, and George Lucas is NOT, in fact, "back." We all enjoyed the first three movies, but we're big kids now (I hope); we should be able to recognize a 120-minute commercial for ILM or Kenner toys when we see one.
PEOPLE WHO HAVE NOT YET SEEN AOTC AND ARE TRYING TO DECIDE IF THEY SHOULD: Trust me. This is not worth your time. Go see Spiderman if you really need to get out of the house and see something on the big screen. Don't believe the hype about Episode II, because the people who will tell you that it's anything more than eye candy have standards that are shamefully low. They wouldn't know a good story if it was served up on a silver platter for them.
But...if your curiousity simply won't let you rest, and if you MUST see what all the fuss is about, let me help you to enjoy it as much as possible...
1) Expect to laugh where you shouldn't. Anakin's range of emotions is more limited than Stephen Hawking's vocal inflections, so his serious lines are sometimes unintentionally funny. 2) Don't look for continuity. There are holes in the story big enough to pilot a B-wing through and things that simply won't make sense if you stop to analyze them for longer than a few seconds, like two people who met as children confessing that they've thought about each other constantly over a period of TEN YEARS, even though one of them was a queen and then a senator (presumably, she was kinda busy) and the other was undergoing rigorous training to become a Jedi Knight. (How did "Annie" ever manage to learn to levitate fruit when he was oh-so-smitten with a girl he met before he hit puberty?) 3) Don't expect anything "big" to happen to save the movie. Yoda's fight is entertaining, but it's almost like watching his more subdued cousin play the part. You will find yourself asking how a CGI-generated character could be more expressionless and dull than a puppet. 4) Don't expect to be dazzled by the visuals. Yes, they're good, but FX can't save a movie, and we've seen stuff like this before. As one reviewer put it, we see the same thing just by playing computer games.
And finally, one more tip; if you're going to go, take some psychedelic mushrooms beforehand, sit way in the back so you have a good view, and surround yourself with people who won't mind hearing you say "Whoa" a lot.
I'm really really really really hoping that Mystery Science Theater 3000 tackles this one, because that's about the only way it could be worth watching.