Attack on the Clones

Rating: 1/10 (17 May 2002)

I gave this film 1 out of 10 because it is honestly one of the worst films I have ever seen. *****SPOILERS***** The log-fire scene where Anakin Skywalker woodenly tells Natalie Portman about his intense "pain" and "suffering" was fortunately drowned out by the sound of the entire audience failing to suppress their giggles and guffaws. We know how you feel, Anakin. Am I the only one who thought this was actually worse than the Phantom Menace? I don't remember anything about the plot of that film but I remember feeling mildly entertained. This was just plain boring. From the high-speed chase in the city to the weird tall thin aliens to the political assassination attempt it all felt like a TV spin-off of the Fifth Element without the famous actors, the beautiful models, the slick direction, the humour, the dialogue or the fun. The waterfalls in the background on Naboo looked like the tongue-in-cheek idyllic backdrop on a Kraftwerk CD. The gladiatorial scene was straight out of your first Dungeons & Dragons game. The big battle at the end was SO BORING people were leaving their seats and returning ten minutes later... they'd probably gone outside for a cigarette. The acting and the dialogue would, by and large, not have passed muster on a Mexican soap opera; the most interesting part of Natalie Portman's performance was the surprise appearance of her nipples. On the plus side: Yoda drew some genuine laughs with his "kung fu" stance, although high-speed Yoda was a bit too fanciful for my liking. Ewan McGregor's effort was good considering the material, and his fight with Jango Fett should put him in the running for a role as 007. But what this franchise really needs to do is bring back Harrison Ford... perhaps Han Solo was a clone?