Has the Force abandoned Lucas?

Rating: 5/10 (17 May 2002)

As a Gen-Xer, I was one of many to grow up on the Star Wars franchise. We had and actually used the lunchboxes. Wiffle bats were our lightsabers. We saw a few neighborhood girls with slightly twisted parents even try that Princess Leia spiral-pigtail-in-stereo thing on their daughters, and at the time we thought it was actually cool.
We lived through the Dark Times...the sixteen long years the Great and Terrible Emperor of Skywalker Ranch forced us to wonder why he gave us only Episodes 4 through 7. Was it a cruel trick? Was it a typo? ILM run amok? Or was there a method to the seeming madness?
After all he gave us clue after clue about what might have filled those first three episodes, didn't he? Sir Alec lamenting those "damn fool idealistic crusades" he and Luke's father (oh yes, we learned all about that twisted little family tree) went on. The existence of a Republic and the dreaded Clone Wars. Sir Alec's mistaken belief he could train Anakin "just as well as Yoda." And, of course, the fact that "I was wrong."
We were captivated by the frequent but incredibly brief exchanges of emotional innuendo between Han, Leia, and Luke which hinted at romance but never quite bogged us down with it. We revered a broken-down, 900 year old Jedi master and even spoke like him on occasion (usually after one too many libations).
We rooted for and against one of the greatest villains of all time...the "Star Wars" Vader. Of course, his stripes changed as the Episodes spun by, but we changed with him. We wanted redemption for a man whom we thought may have taken the quicker and more seductive path, only to learn that life constantly changes what we believe is easiest.
The Trilogy became part of our culture, part of our national identity. You may not like it, but you must admit it. No doubt each of us, whether you read this with a bobble head Yoda staring back at you from the top of your monitor or on a 5 minute respite from the office workday, planned out the history of the Republic. You created your own Episodes 1 - 3. You knew what would happen...you just wanted to see it. You yearned for the Great and Terrible One to bring those dreams to life...to compare notes.
And then, after those Dark Times, He granted our wish. Sort of. He gave us the Phantom Menace. He gave us Jar Jar Binks. He gave but took back Darth Maul. A fantastic marketing piece for the economic Empire. But for us, the faithful, those that created the franchise in the first place, we were handed a would-be Disney CGI event ripoff. That wasn't Episode I. It was an infomercial for "PodRacer the Game" and "Tickle-Me-Anakin."
OK, we thought. He's rusty. We'll cut him some slack. A cinematic mulligan. After all, Episode II has to be dark. It has to be better. "Empire" was. After all, they carbonized Han, hacked off Luke's hand, and wrapped it up with the nastiest family reunion this side of Springer. Episode II...he'll be back in game shape by then. A cuddly Vader? A sympathetic Emperor? An 800 year old, broken down Jedi master? Nah...something's gotta give.
But Lucas knows something about us we may be hesitant to admit. No matter what he gives us...we have to see it. HAVE to. Just like Rosemary's baby, we can't pull our eyes away. In the process, accountability vanishes. Lucas has become the Emperor. He does what he wants. Good for him. Bad for us...
I slipped in to an 8 pm showing on opening day. The 2/3 full theater (Spidey was sold out at 8pm on opening day...I was there for that, too, mind you) erupted into applause when the lights went down and the familiar and soothing rumble of brass and percussion that is John Williams finest work enveloped us in THX (a Lucasfilm trademark) sound.
Then it got quiet. Real quiet. For about and hour and a half. Well, some of those retching sounds during Lucasfilmean romance scenes did break up that monotony. Of course, Flying Yoda the Wild West SaberSlinger brought the house down. Bigtime. It did salvage the film. I suppose you can see when I'm going with this.
In short, this is not Star Wars. We were cheated. Casting was fine. Action sequences were better than average. The CGI mishmash was entertaining when you could follow it. The climax was worth 6 of the eight bucks I spent. Flying Yoda was worth the whole 8.
However, the writing was atrocious. And who spliced in 30 minutes of Intergalactic Days of Our Lives? A fireside love confession? A romp in the fields? I seriously expected Natalie Portman to start belting out "The Hills Are Alive..." Had we been spared that travesty, and instead given a 5 minute dramatic flashback near the end of the film (say, when they were about to be fed to those critters by Christopher Lee) would have gotten the job done and spared us the agony. After all, the fact that Anakin and Amidala produce Luke and Leia isn't exactly news. Efficiently accomplish it and move on.
I understand the impetus behind the attempt, but the execution was deplorable. Overall, the movie gets a 6...and 8 if they grant us the power to delete the soap scenes from the DVD.
But there is a bigger problem here. The inconsistencies between where we are and where we have to go will make Episode III a miniseries in length or require us to forget Episodes 4 through 7. And wasn't it the point of 1 through 3 to get us there?
Lucas missed an excellent opportunity to tell a new story. Create new characters. Fill in the history of the Republic. Anakin should not have even shown up until Episode II and he should have been a bit player there. There is no way Lucas can turn him into the Episode 4 Vader in the next film. The misunderstood man-child becomes the ruthless right hand of the Emperor after pouting his way through a forbidden love? He's spent too much time making him the sympathetic pawn of tired Jedi and Sith lords who simply haven't gotten enough play. Poor Anni...I feel my popcorn resurfacing...
Why? In his quest to stay in the marketable PG rating, he's abandoned all inter-character strife, all sarcasm and wit, all surprise, and anything else that might not be immediately picked up by an X-Box obsessed 7 year-old with ADHD. If all we can expect is eye candy, leave General Hospital on ABC and let Yoda and Tyranus get it on. Let Vader be Vader. Give us what we want.
Of course, like the addicted suckers we are, we'll be back for Episode III, if for no other reason that to see if the Great and Terrible one can descend from Skywalker Ranch and finally deliver the goods. But we won't be buying that lunchbox for our kids. No Amidala bare-midriff conveniently torn shirts for our 8 year old girls. No fantasies about Episodes 7 through 9. We'll take our medicine and go home. What a waste.
May the Force come back to him. Please.