Jesus Tapdancing Christ...where to begin?

Rating: Null/10 (26 November 2002)

When you watch a movie and the only thoughts running through your mind are "Am I really seeing this?" and "Did I really hear that?" you have a stinker. From the oh-so-full-of-convenient-coincidences of the car race through the city to the horrendously clunky dialogue between two actors deserving of the Golden Raspberry (Christiansen and Portman -- ye gods!), this movie was a groanfest from start to finish. No one looked comfortable or sounded at ease having to mouth such inanities. There was MAYBE 25 minutes of actual coherent plot that was necessary to the story. Other than that, it was just whiplash from one end of the galaxy to the other with people doing things for no real reason. Why was Jango Feet introduced at all? Just to give motive for Bobba's personality later on? I dunno. It was a screwed-up mess and by the time the first hour was over, I really didn't care. I just watched it to the end hoping that Christopher Lee could salvage it from total mediocrity and he did to a small degree. Although fighting a pinwheeling muppet (OK, CGI he may be, but I liked the old Yoda better) isn't exactly a diginifed use of celluloid, or for a veteran actor like Lee for that matter. Peter Jackson used Lee's talents to greater distinction as Saruman.
This movie still has my brain scrambled so I can't think straight. It made my eyes bleed and my mind reject all that I heard and saw. In short, I can't believe that this ever made it to the theaters. It's not even a passable action movie, let alone an entry into the Star Wars series. Phantom Menace was lame, but this one is a crime again humanity. I wish someone would pry the writer's pen out of George's hands and shoo him out of the picture. Tell him to continue to harrass fanfic sites or something. But atrocities like this have to stop or else the luster of the Star Wars legacy will fade and go out with a resounding splat. I certainly am in no rush to watch the third one. I'll stick with the REAL Star Wars -- the Kasdan Star Wars, not this Lucas-scripted dreck. Even so, the best Star Wars pales in comparison to the rich texture of Lord of the Rings.
This movie has replaced Titanic as my pet hate movie of all time. Congrats, George! -10/10