PAIN!...SUFFERING!

Rating: 1/10 (26 May 2002)

Carrying on in the DISMAL tradition of PHANTOM MENACE, the sad and tired fans of STAR WARS are forced to sit through another special effects nightmare cooked up by the old has-been, George Lucas.

I will mention the plot outline now, but does it really make a difference what this movie is about? How much time do you think George spent cooking up this snooze-a-loney and cheese sandwhich of a story? OK, someone is trying to kill Senator Padme (Natalie Portman is extremely hot!) and the trusty Jedi, Obi Wan and his apprentice, Anakin, are sent to protect her and figure out who is out to kill her. The Republic is dangerously close to collapse and on the verge of a major war with the trade federation. Are my readers asleep yet? Well, go see the movie, that will put you to sleep quick enough.
That's the basis of the plot, and yes, it sucked. There is a couple instances in the film that remind us of the STAR WARS of the old days. But they are few and far between, and not nearly as exciting as the originals.

Which brings me to a couple of good points, and I will mention them first, before RIPPING THIS FILM TO SHREDS. Ewan McGregor is the only one who does any real acting in this film. His character of Obi Wan is flawless and he brings excitement to the screen. The best part of the movie is when Obi Wan ventures alone to the rain planet and confronts Jango Fett. (Yes, its Boba's father. I guess EVERY character in the original movies has to be taking after their FATHERS in these new movies!) On the water planet, a giant clone army is being created. All of them, clones of the fearsome bounty hunter, Jango Fett. This part of the movie gives us insight in to Jango's past and possible future, and it was well done. It builds up to a decent fight scene between Jango and Obi Wan, where both characters get to show their stuff. The special effects of the weirdo alien hosts are well done, and the sets appear to be sprawling and well conceived, in a very "sci fi" style.
That's it. That's all the good stuff. Now, to take my gloves off. THIS MOVIE SUCKED! The ACTING was THE WORST I have EVER seen in a movie theatre, and I saw "UNIVERSAL SOLDIER" with Jean Claude Van Damm and Dolf Lundgren. OK? I mean, the acting was ABSOLUTELY AWFUL! TO the point of being both irritating and laughable. The worst actor, of course, being Hayden Christiansen. Where did this guy go to acting school? The SEWER? And Samuel Jackson delivers THE WORST performance of his entire CAREER!

But, in the defense of the actors, they had VERY LITTLE to work with. A good example of a typical, cliche line is Anakin wooing Padme, "I don't like the sand. It's coarse, and irritating, and it gets everywhere. Not like you. You are soft and smooth." OH BROTHER! PLEASE somebody make him SHUT UP! But no, he KEEPS ON! And the worst portion of acting is when Anakin returns from trying to rescue his mother, and he has a little emotional breakdown in front of Padme. "It's no fair!" He whines, "Obi Wan is holding me back! I hate the sand people! I hate them!" Most of the people in the audience where turning their heads from embarassment for the poor actor.
Now on to Yoda. The special effects team did not manage to pull off his fight scene believably. My head line to this review is a comical quote from one of Yoda's many, many irritating dialogue sequences. He is "sensing" some disturbance in the force, and he QUOTES an old STAR TREK line. "Pain!...Suffering!" He exclaims. Remember that STAR TREK episode when Kirk and Spok went in to that cave and confronted that creature made of rock? And then Spok "mind-melded" with the creature and he yells to Kirk, "Pain...SUFFERING!" I laughed out loud when I heard Yoda repeating that horrible line.
All of the fight scenes in this movie are lack-luster. But, its difficult for an audience member to be excited by a fight scene when you don't care AT ALL about any of the characters on screen. I think the big problem was that the story failed to give a clear sense of what was at stake. In the original movies, you knew exactly what was at stake. The underdog, Luke, had to blow up the Death Star, or else they would blow up the entire planet that the rebel alliance was on. That's pretty clear. Also, they had to save the princess. How clear is that? Very clear. So it was easier to care about these characters. Not to mention, there was a lot of character growth in the original movies. EPISODE 2 has no character growth whatsoever.
Also I noticed that George failed to include some STAR WARS classics. No one said, "Delusions of grandure." There was no swinging on ropes. When he finally did work in, "I have a bad feeling about this" it was EXTREMELY forced! VERY awkward!
Also, watch out for C3Po's TERRIBLE jokes. He gets his head knocked off, so he says, "Oh, I have lost my head!" His head rolls over by his body, he says, "I am simply beside myself!" WHO is writing THAT CRAP!!?!? A five year old? What kind of moron writes a line that is THAT obvious? In all of Hollywood, George Lucas could not a find a writer to help him come up with something more clever than THAT?! I have to tell you , I was absolutely SHOCKED to hear lines that were so banal. Even DISNEY features have better writing than that.
So why is it selling so many tickets? Why all the hype? Why is everyone so excited? Well, the fact is, EPISODE 2 is actually better than EPISODE 1. So everyone is excited. But what does that really say? If you said, "Well, its better than PLAN 9 FROM OUTERSPACE" what would that really mean? PLAN 9 was considered the WORST movie ever made! EPISODE 1 was SO AWFUL how could any other movie be worse than that? The fact is, if the name STAR WARS was not attached to this movie, no one would see it. In fact, no one in their right mind would finance a script so ill-conceived. So the movie would never have even been made.
And just to let you know, yes, Jar Jar is in this movie. Obviously, George Lucas listened to the millions of people who so vehemently hated that horrible character. So, Jar Jar's appearance is quite limited. But, he still remains INCREDIBLY irritating and HARD to watch! Jar Jar is, by far, the WORST character ever conceived.
Jar Jar is also a good metaphor for what has become of the STAR WARS sage. It is over done, poorly written, very obnoxious, and it would not exist without extensive computer special effects over-kill.