Only The Force Will Make This a Good Movie

Rating: 2/10 (20 May 2002)

Have you ever had relatives or friends bring over slides of their vacation or their wonderful child's last ten birthdays? They walk in with eight slide carousels and regale you with still, flat, lifeless images for two hours and seven minutes? If so, you'll have a good sense of what it's like to sit through Attack of the Clones (AOTC). The film largely moves from one lifeless (and often truncated) scene to the next.
What about the story? The dissident separatists are fed up with the empire and want to leave, building a droid army to fight the good fight. The wonderful Republic tries to quell the insurrection with a clone army that, oddly enough, was ordered at the Clones-R-Us Drive-Thru planet ten years ago (won't spoil it by telling you why). Eventually they clash. The story of this celluloid trilogy is getting more involved politically, to be sure, and on a larger scale. However, this information is related to us by people sitting down and talking with each other, using valuable screen time that could be filled with something we actually cared about. Too much time is wasted with lifeless exposition that would send the worst insomniac into a coma.
On the other hand, the characters were all over the galaxy. Everyone split up and went in many different directions, with the film jumping back and forth, here and there, one hyperjump after another. Each scene ended quickly, often before it was finished. Many of the scenes were jammed in between other scenes, and did not seem to relate to the story. The entire sequence that tells the story of Aniken searching out his mother could have been left on the cutting room floor, and told through one scene lasting 30 seconds. Another pointless scene occurs when Aniken and Amidala end up in a droid factory, evading molten steel and giant chopping meat cleavers. Whole sections of this scene were taken from Bugs Bunny cartoons (which did it much better). This entire sequence (and many others in the film) just didn't make sense. Why do I get the distinct impression that this is here only to sell an upcoming video game?
The worst tragedy of AOTC, however, is the characters. In the original Star Wars films, Lucas and the actors created excellent characters that we were interested in, that we cared about, and wanted to see succeed. They were mixed up in a political situation, much like this new trilogy, but the political story was told through the characters' more personal involvement. And what kinds of people were Luke, Han Solo, Princess Leia, and Chewbacca? They were much more real. They were funny, providing lots of effective comedy, even in the middle of great hardship. They got angry, they became sad, they were determined, they were scared, yet persevered despite the odds against them. You saw this, and you believed it, despite the Ewoks. Even the bad guys were believable and scary. Darth Vader is a masterpiece of villainy. Even Greedo, the sneaky little bounty hunter that cornered Han Solo in the Cantina seemed like a real bad guy (though somewhat rubberized).
The `characters' in AOTC, however, deliver all their lines in the same fretful, stoic, monotone. All of them, not just one actor. Hayden Christensen, who plays a teenage Aniken, did not deliver a single believable line during the entire film. Natile Portman listens to Aniken's tale of how he just committed genocide on a tribe of Tusken Raiders, and then kisses him to comfort him. These are the actions of a senator? Of a real person with a brain? Soap operas have more passion, acting, and make more sense (although, to be fair, this is as much the fault of the writer and director, both George Lucas). Any good characters in the film? C3PO and R2D2 were the only comedy in the film and the only likeable characters that seemed to have any substance. Even they were hamstrung by Lucas, having small roles and delivering lines that Henny Youngman would have turned down as being too corny.
What's good about this film? How does it compare to the first? It is marginally better than Phantom Menace, in the way that the earlier episodes of Gilligan's Island were marginally better than the later ones. The visuals (slides in our show) are more striking and complete, with sets that seem less forced and give the film a richer feel. You are placed more effectively in the setting. It was nice to see Yoda come out and do something other than sit in a chair (and the audience loved this as well). However, he looked more like a chimp on crack with a light saber than a Jedi Knight. His silly, hyperactive jumping about did not make us believe in his great power because they had no effect on the bad guy. If you can get by with flashy lights and sci-fi accoutrements, you'll be fine.
In the end, we really don't care if the characters live or die. They contain as much life as the digital backdrops created for the film, and the only thing keeping us in our seats are the stunning visuals and the hope that something real might happen in the next scene before it is abruptly cut off, whisking us away to some other part of the galaxy. Is the republic in danger? Perhaps. Are there bad guys that need putting down? Maybe. Are there heroes that will save the day? Not really. Will we get advance tickets and wait in line for the third installment? Not a chance. I've learned my lesson on that account. Maybe George Lucas will learn his and create a real movie experience next time, but don't bet on it. He'll need to Force to make the finale of this trilogy more than a rental.