Force yourself

Rating: 5/10 (13 June 2003)

Attack of the Clones had the unenviable distinction of being not so much the prequel to Star Wars but the sequel to the Phantom Menace. If movies were people this would be like finding out you were Hitler's nephew or worse, Charlton Heston's son. Menace achieved a lot, namely what many thought impossible; permanently sapping the lustre from what was an almost universally adored series. If the sparkle was to return to those stars this had to first class, grade A, top of the class stuff. Any reminder of its predecessor beyond the bare bones of plot continuity were therefore wise to avoid at all costs. Clones partially succeeds in restoring some pride to the series. Structually its better than its predecessor, the plot more straightforward and less marred by political spiel than before. However, this can't hide its wider failings. Just as before, none of the newer characters fail to make any impact. There's no Han Solo or Luke to offer us the simple pleasures of before. Padme no longer speaks with a lifeless monotone and could almost pass for a real human being. Binks, reviled by the entire universe has a greatly reduced role. Lucas puts two fingers up at those who maligned his 'comic' creation, i.e. everyone and ensures Jar Jar is central to a key plot point thus justifying his existence in the series. He'll claim it was planned that way all along of course but you don't need to be a Jedi to work out this is the cine-equivalent of the spoilt child who has to have the last word in an argument. It was still WRONG George, I don't care if the Gungan menace killed the Emperor himself. The central flaw in Clones is the relationship that should be its (and the series) emotional core, namely the relationship between Anakin and Padme. From the outset this is doomed on screen because of the casting of Hayden Christensen. His performance is so wooden and devoid of credibility that you might as well have hired the Gaffer's son and got him to read out the lines. We're asked to believe that this dull and stroppy teen will one day be the most feared man in the universe. So why does Padme fall in love with the little upstart? Lucas's script offers no clues. Anakin's diatribe on the failings of democracy should be enough to alarm any potential suteur but Padmes hardly bats an eyelid. She gets a another chance later after Anakin slaughters an entire tribe of Tusken Raiders but do any bulbs go off? Not a bit of it. Having proclaimed his murder of women and children the feckless former Monarch gives him a supportive hug! The problems of being attracted to a would-be fascist and murderer are offset, Lucas suggests, by the fact that Skywalker is good at rolling around in grass and making fruit float in the air, thus showcasing his playful qualities. We're left concluding that the most important couple in the galaxy came together because Padme is a sucker for a pretty face. Cynics may point to some evidence of misogyny here but in Lucas' defence this is the man who championed the role of women by putting Princess Leia in that slave girl two-piece. In any event Padme deserves everything she gets. Does the rest of the story fare any better? Sadly not. Obi Wan's journey to Kimino to visit a clone factory pushes story credibility to the limit. No one seems very alarmed by the prospect of entire army having being created in secret. Why should they you ask, the Jedi are in charge right? Wrong. Having being captured by Count Dooku the hapless Jedi is TOLD that Palpatine is the Emperor but dismisses it as dark side deception. Does no one think to check it out? Of course not and consequently only Yoda shows any common sense, only neglecting to mention his kidnap and replacement by a terrible puppet around the time of Menace. We're also treated to some moments of unintentional hilarity. Titter ye not at the Anakin blow job scene, and if you're watching toward the end try not to laugh when Yoda fights Dooku which looks like the Sith lord is trying to swat a giant fly. In contrast all the real jokes fail flat mostly, C3P0 the worst offender with some truly awful sub-Graham Norton punning that will make you wish you could disconnect your own head. Only Ewan McGregor in a more relaxed performance gets a good bit of deadpanning in with his caustic "to get a drink" response to Anakin's "where are you going?" question. So the romance is rushed and insubstantial - laced with some of the worst dialogue you'll hear in any language ("A litter piece of me dies each day", yuk), and the Clone story fails to ignite due to lapses in plot logic and some flat delivery by the leads. On the plus side there are some nice set-pieces, though a little too cartoony is places, and a few crowd pleasing moments. All in all this is a better than before but not yet near the level set by the original trilogy. With only one film left to go there is a hell of a lot to be done (as well as a hell of lot of plot to get through) if this trilogy is to save face. Despite some attempts to improve, this is still the longest expositionary picture ever made. Skip it and watch the 2 minute scene in the original describing this period instead. Its over sooner and tells you all you need to know, namely very little.