Now we're getting somewhere!

Rating: Null/10 (17 May 2002)

Despite what you may have heard, this movie is not horrible. It has a couple of low-points but they do not detract from the film nearly as much as everyone is saying. Mainly, it rocks in an Empire Strikes Back kind of way. Any true Star Wars fan will love it. And when I say any true Star Wars fan, I am not talking about the little kids who liked The Phantom Menace? I am talking about the people who have all the bad dialogue from episodes 4-6 memorized and are really happy about it. I am talking about the people who own the limited edition 1978 Boba Fett action figure. But most importantly, I am talking about the people that love Star Wars because it's truly a great story.
So let me briefly sum up what all the poop-on-my-party reviewers are saying about this movie: they are saying that the screenplay is cheesy. DUH! Did you see ANY of the other movies in this series? Or did you block out Luke's whining and C-3PO's prissy one-liners? Star Wars movies are not indie films. They do not have brilliant acting performances or Tom Stoppard writing the dialogue. They are archetypal tales of good vs. evil. They are about high-action battles and awe-inspiring special effects. They are about a time long ago in a galaxy far far away- so cool your jets and have a little fun or I'm going to turn to the dark side and use the force against you.
Let me start off the praise portion of this review by saying that Attack of the Clones contains some of the best CGI animation I have ever seen. I am pretty picky about this stuff, but I can honestly say that not one thing looked lame or cartoonish. It was just perfect. Yoda is completely CGI, and yet he is still the Yoda you know and love. In fact, seeing the Jedi master whip out his lightsaber is one of the highlights of the whole action-packed escapade. He is better than ever. Ewan McGregor and Samuel L. Jackson are both super-cool as Yoda's right-hand-men, fighting the forces of darkness with style, grace and aplomb (nice word, huh)? Hayden Christensen is cast rather perfectly in the role of the teenage Anakin. In his performance, hints of Darth Vader's cruelty and echoes of Luke's whiny "it's just not fair" attitude shine through with equal ease - and they come to the surface in a way that feels quite earnest.
The plot is infinitely more engaging than The Phantom Menace, complete with lots of hand-to-hand combat, undercover investigations, intrigue over who is going to the dark side, and the ever looming question: who is really controlling the Senate? Considering everything we already know (having seen the future in Episodes 4-6), Attack of the Clones does an incredible job of keeping us on our toes while also doing some major setup work in preparation for Episode III- which has all the potential to be the best film of all.
All that said, even I have to concede that the love story between Padme and Anakin leaves a little something to be desired. Aside from the fact that she is "in his soul, consuming him," you have to wonder what a woman like Senator Amidala sees in the hotheaded Jedi apprentice. Sure, he's got the skills that pay the bills, but even if they don't have statutory rape laws in the Republic, it's a pretty risque romance. Granted, we all love a bad boy now and then, but usually not one we used to baby-sit. But I came to terms with it as it evolved into something believable during the last hour of the film.
I'm going to stop here so as not to give anything away. But I will say that this movie is less for the masses and more for the people who are obsessed with the whole story. So although I am jumping up and down and doing the dance of joy, I do admit that I own a toy light saber (it makes the coolest noises) as well as a plethora of additional Star Wars paraphernalia such as an R2-D2 crazy straw that I just can't seem to part with. It might be a little sick, but I really couldn't care less. If you have never been bitten by the SWB (Star Wars Bug), you may not be as excited as I am. So go see Spider-Man instead, but don't ask me to respect you in the morning.