Count the toys - er, I mean aliens/robots/ships/Senator's clothes

Rating: 1/10 (16 November 2002)

The first Star Wars movie (Episode IV - back in 1977) was *astounding*, the second movie was *simply mind-blowing*, but by the third movie things were starting to slide downhill a bit (the Ewoks proved the Storm Troopers "armor" was pointless - vulnerable to gunfire *and rocks!*). Episode I was a stinker.
I was really excited from all the reviews on this site that it appeared George Lucas had learned his lesson from Episode I and had made a better movie - back to the good ol' Star Wars - oh my god was I disappointed! :(
This was undoubtedly the worst movie I have sat through in a *long* time. We rented it as a free 2nd movie and I *still* felt ripped off! -here's why:
*** WARNING: POSSIBLE SEMI-SPOILERS FOLLOW! ***

(1) As I watched this movie with my wife, I began pointing out how every time you turned around you were seeing:
(a) A new planet/environment (b) A new alien race (c) A new robot (d) A new spaceship (e) A new outfit on "the Senator" (seriously, does this woman have time to do *anything* but get dressed and do her hair?)
I dare you - *count* the number of each of the above and you will be amazed. Not only was this completely confusing, but what was the point? Marketing toys? What did each of these new things add to the story?
It became really funny once you noticed this. Especially with the few outtake scenes - because there were even more!!

(2) The acting was awful. Maybe it was the terrible dialogue throughout, but the only decent acting came from Dooku, the Chancellor, and Yoda (and Yoda was computer generated!).
The "Senator" (coughs) looked 2-3 years older - not 10. I think if the Senator's sister (from the outtakes on the video) had been chosen for the Senator herself in this episode, she would have actually had the depth to *be* a Senator.
Don't even get me started on the so-called "love scenes" - have you ever felt so little romantic spark? Words like "flat", "wooden" and "cardboard" come to mind. I was fighting the urge to fast-forward but didn't only out of morbid curiosity.
Who did the casting on this? Does this guy really feel like a Jedi Master who will one day be Darth Vader? Give me a break! What was the dream thing about? That was the worst acting I've ever seen! "No. No! No!" Wow, sends shivers down *my* spine - I tell ya!

(3) So many sequences in this movie were *so forced!*
Ok - if you could put a small ship on the Senator's window without being detected (wow, great security!), why not just have it explode and take out the whole floor? No, it's got to insert insects into the room that R2D2 can't detect just so the Jedi's can kill them off. Whatever!
Oh I know - it's to lead into the endless chase scene, which was three times too long. To end in a bar. Tell me Obi-wan's mind-control lines with the guy at the bar didn't sound like a beer commercial rather than part of the movie. Oh yeah, and if she was a changeling, why didn't she turn into Obi-wan or Anakin or *something* else? Maybe she's new at this changeling thing...
None of the "new" special effects seem remotely real to me, because there are no physics involved (*except* when Obi-wan jumped through the glass, which was the one exception) - it just looks incredibly fake 99% of the time.
The execution sequence was so funny. Here brings up another problem - *everything* is 1000x too big in this movie - the Senate Floor (I know it was the same in EpI) - can't these people just use the holographic phones? They have to be there in person? How many planets are there in this Republic? C'mon!!
Which reminds me: If Jar-Jar becomes her proxy to vote *after* she arrives, why didn't someone think of this *before* if her life is threatened? Oh yeah - I forgot - it's to force the plot - sorry.
Back to the execution: It's in a stadium so big that the victims must look like fleas from most of the seats! And the spectators sure are excited! (Laughs) My wife mentioned that the first creature would just stick the first victim - one down - the second creature would crush victim #2 - done - and the third would rip victim #3 apart in a few seconds. WOW! SO MUCH ENTERTAINMENT!! Can we get a hot dog over here?
And why didn't *either* so-called Jedi Knight do something *before* the Senator to escape?!?

(4) I could go on-and-on about the technical flaws in the story but it's just too much to type.
The ending was so confusing (as was most of the story line) that we spent a long time (way too long) trying to figure out who was who and what the final scene was supposed to mean. It felt like they just chopped it all together and said "that's a wrap - let's go get a pizza". Compare it to "Empire Strikes Back" - now *that* was a movie!
The fighting sequences were like watching a fight in a blender - is fast/loud now taken for exciting? 10,000 shooting guys have *got* to be more exciting than 1000 - right? Right? Ugh.
Wait a minute - Yoda is using a cane and walking like he's old and wise - what happens with his fight scene? Dang he sure limbered up! And isn't Yoda the one who is "above" using a light saber? It's a cool scene to watch I'll admit, but once again it doesn't fit - it's strictly a novelty thrown at us - what was the point besides Yoda doing some "cool moves"? None whatsoever.

I think those who saw it with the movie crowd enjoyed it more the same way you enjoy stand-up comedy with a few drinks in you - the environment is half (or more) of the experience. Watching Star Wars: Episode II on video was a tedious, boring, confusing and disappointing way to spend two hours and twenty minutes of your life.
George, please get back to *telling a story*! Episode IV and V (and VI a little) were so good! What happened?!?