Top Ten Worst Plot Elements forced on George Lucas

Rating: 2/10 (18 May 2002)

Forget the reviews suggesting Attack of the Clones is better than the Phantom Menace. Episode II is by far the worst of the Star Wars movies. The only truly interesting aspect of Attack of the Clones is how _force_fully it proves the fact that special effects cannot make up for a poor (awful!!) story. In this case, not only is the screenplay poorly written and the acting terrible, but the story elements themselves make absolutely no sense. The plot failings are so strong as to spoil any assistance the special effects might have rendered. Although I'm a big Star Wars fan, the movie is so bad that I give it only a 3 of 10 rating.
Attack of the Clones should not appeal to any movie demographic, certainly not young children, who will be driven to sleep or bored desperation by the first 90 minutes of the movie. Not to females, as the big love story is as poorly done as any in recent memory. And not to males, as the big action scenes have been much better done in many other recent movies. My sixteen-year-old came out of the movie saying that the most interesting part was the Matrix 2 trailer!
The story is so bad that trying to laugh at it seems appropriate. Here's my Top Ten List of Worst Plot Elements the Dark Side Forced upon George Lucas:
10. One million clones. Who ordered, who pays, who cares?
9. Which deleted planet from the infallible archives is that? Just ask your local chef.
8. Can't find that deleted planet from the infallible archives? No problem. Just fly right on in and say howdy. They'll give you a million clones!
7. Who are those guys on that deleted planet from the infallible archives? They're still nice, those Close Encounter's aliens (a Richard Dreyfuss cameo would'a helped).
6. What's a once-Queen, now hugely important Senator do with her time? No problem. Turns out she actually doesn't have anything to do (well, she does carry her own luggage, and she takes the occasional picnic).
5. How do we protect a once-Queen, now hugely important Senator? No problem. We'll assign a lone, ready-to-freak, not-quite-yet Jedi Knight to escort her (wouldn't want an additional armed escort to interfere with the wooden--rotten to the core--love story).
4. Who's that powerful dark-side-of-the-force guy? The name's Dooku, and don't you forget it. Repeat three times--Dooku, Dooku, Dooku--and you'll know the dark side too.
3. How good is that powerful dark-side-of-the-force guy? Remember how Darth Vader knew when Luke was entering the edge of the same galaxy. This Dooku guy can't sense six Jedi Knights sneaking up on him from the very next room.
2. How do those wonderful, million-star-system-protecting Jedi Knights test their new recruits? All moms must stay in slave purgatory, unvisited (no phone calls allowed!!), until they die.
1. How to bed that bored, once-Queen, now hugely important Senator? Put up with kisses slightly better than Pinocchio's, followed by no-sex muddy rationalizations. Go completely off your rocker, light-sabering the heads off all women and children in a close-by village. Apologize by claiming that god-like powers will be yours. If she rips her shirt up to show off her abs, she's yours!