Cloning a fail

Rating: 1/10 (17 May 2017)

After realizing that the first movie of the star wars prequel trilogy was a sheer menace , I cautiously move forward to the next film.
In this episode you know some thing has gone wrong because people are trying to kill Natalie Portman. We are spared This horrible moment thanks to stand in. Apparently Ms. Hershlag <----- ( swallow that handle for a minute) had a lecture seminar at Harvard on the relationship between terrorism and the consumption of red meat. Not to worry ,she was back in time to discuss the assignment of security with chancellor Palpatine.
A short while after both Obi-Wan and Anakin show up and are greeted by Jar-Jar who is now the official representative of the Gungan people in the galactic republic. On a completely unrelated note Boss Nass has now won 10 consecutive Darwin awards. Obi -Wan is greeted by padme. Who doesn't recognize Anakin at all. Of course Anakin remembers her.
After a discussion about their job to "protect" the senator , the master and padawan have quite the night on the town chasing the most recent hired gun. After a joyride in some poor schmucks speeder they stop at a local watering hole to help further the cause of smoking abolition. They at last capture the assassin , only for her to be killed by a cool looking guy with a personal jet pack.
After debriefing the Jedi council on these events, it is determined that the senator should return to Naboo. It boggles the mind that a woman of Padme's intelligence could leave the fate of her world in the hands of Jar-Jar Binks. The entire republic would pay for it as well.
Obi-wan rolls over to a local Denny's to meet up with a buddy of his about a dart that looks cool. His buddy tells him it belongs to a planet full of people who are really into cloning. Intrigued by this Obi - Wan sets off to the cloning factory . Meanwhile, back on Naboo Anakin is realizing this whole being trapped with Natalie Portman all day thing might not suck after all.
Obi - wan arrives at the well lit city on Camino , learning first hand where the aliens from close encounters of the third kind were made. After a brief tour and a promise to fulfill an order for a huge clone army , Obi-Wan is introduced to a really cool looking guy with a rocket pack named Jango Fett along with his son Boba. Obi-Wan not stupid in any way realizes this is his bad guy.
Meanwhile , Anakin is having nightmares. Why should he not. He is sleeping alone under the same roof as Natalie Portman. As the force continues to plague him about his mother he decides hell with the fuddy duddies at the council , Padmes safety be damned hes going to a mafia controlled world to find his mom yo. Like Qui - Gon , like Anakin. After stopping in on Watto and his new digs , Anakin and Padme are off to the moisture farm of Cleeg Lars. We also have a heartwarming introduction to Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru. Who would later be incinerated by Anakin in Star wars.
Anakin's mother was taken by sand people. OK Tuscan raiders. Anyway after listening to a sad story Anakin goes out to find mom and does. He gets about a minute or so and she dies right there in his arms. The response for this was muted by two giant letters "PG". Upon his return to the farm and a burial ceremony Anakin confesses he killed the whole tribe that killed his mom.
Obi-wan tracks Jango to Geanosis and find their immigration policies quite hazardous to his health. Once on the surface he learns that Count Dooku and Newt Gunray are behind the plot to kill Natalie Portman. That is just evil. Oh they are also organizing several dozen star systems to succeed from the republic. If that means anything , but trying to kill Natalie Portman , evil! Anakin is informed of his masters capture by Mace Windu and instructed to guard the senator and stay out of it. Yeah , that's going to happen. So Padmae and Anakin jump of to rescue Obi -Wan.
No good deed goes unpunished. After their capture all three are tied to posts and to be fed to several large unique animals as an afternoon snack. The three manage a stay of execution until Mace Windu arrives to confront Dooku. A small scale battle with much pew,pew ensues. After an intense first round Dooku offers a truce. Not happening. In a piece of amazing timing found only in Hollywood sets , our favorite green puppet arrives with N'Sync and the Backstreet boys , as well as a zillion armed clones.
An even larger scale round of pew , pew occurs. Dooku departs with the Genosians plan for the ultimate weapon ( l'll let you connect that dot.). Whilst in pursuit of Dooku it becomes obvious to even the dumbest clone that Anakin and Padmae are an item. Obi - Wan and Anakin square of with the escaping Dooku. Obi - Wan gets pawned and Anakin is unhanded. Afterwards the green puppet tries his luck but is defeated. Dooku gets away back to the emperor . Anakin and Padmae get married in secret. As we all know they will not live happily ever after.
The bland dry taste this movie leaves in a viewers mouth has the consistency of plain Quaker oats. Left out for a week. To be honest simply filming two hours and change of Natalie Portman sitting in a chair would have been more interesting.
Blech.