Fool me twice, shame on me

Rating: 2/10 (31 May 2002)

I should have known better than to fork out money at the box office to see Attack of the Clones, but I had to. It had the words Star Wars on the poster, and I just had to. It's like the way I had to buy those crappy plastic toys in 1978 - they weren't just crappy plastic toys, they were STAR WARS toys, I tell ya!
Okay, I thought that Episode I was appalling, but this one can't be nearly as bad, right?
They've got rid of the annoying wee brat and replaced him with an annoying adult that behaves like an annoying wee brat.
Almost every line of dialogue is raw untreated exposition, without the slightest hint of sincerity or character. And where the characters aren't blandly explaining the plot to the audience, they're spouting cliches so rank as to be often hilarious. Not one character is believable - let alone likable - and the whole affair reminds me of Evan Dorkin's Fisher Price Theatre (only without the intelligence or wit).
The action sequences are annoying too. They're so obviously designed to be copied as computer games, I often felt like I was watching a computer game. But the thing about games is they're no fun when someone else is pushing the buttons.
Special effects were good and bad. The ships and cityscapes were marvellous. The CG creatures stank. Still, Lucas (or, more accurately, his cinematographers and effects departments) succeeded in giving us a rich canvas to look at. But in the absence of characterisation or any real drama, that rich canvas soon starts to resemble dull wallpaper - especially when you've been staring at it for almost two and a half hours.
But I really can't blame anyone but myself for this disappointment. Episode One had already convinced me that George Lucas has lost his touch as a film maker - and as a writer, he shouldn't even be allowed to write an envelope.
I was the one stupid enough to spend money at the box office, and I'm the one contributing to the colossal takings that will ultimately persuade Mr Lucas that he can go ahead and make another movie just like the last.
Shame on me!