A film of two halves

Rating: 6/10 (24 January 2009)

Attack of The Clones was long touted as a love story by George Lucas prior to release. And there, alas, lies the main problem with the film. Lucas simply can't create ordinary character interactions, scene after scene features people who talk at rather than to, each other. Some of the dialogue and situations are incredibly forced and corny. And the love story in question has to be one of the most laughable in cinema history. I still remember the hysterical guffaws in the cinema at Anakin's attempts to seduce Padme. She should have instantly kicked him in the nuts.
The story opens 10 years after Phantom Menace, with Anakin now a broody young man. He's played by Hayden Christiansen in a style about as wooden as Long John Silver's leg, which means Lucas has turned the greatest villain in cinema history into a whiny kid and a dork in two consecutive movies. Christiansen is astonishingly bad, with line readings that sound like a failed audition for an amateur dramatics society. He instantly sinks Anakin's involvement with Padme without trace. Natalie Portman, a decent actress, is thereby stuck in a zero chemistry nightmare with her leading man. Why Padme, a committed servant of democracy. would take up with an obvious proto-fascist ("Well, if it works") is beyond my imagination. But hell, we know the two of 'em are Luke and Leia's parents so Lucas just makes it happen.
Thank the Force for Ewan Mcgregor and Christopher Lee. Mcgregor is much better in this than Phantom Menace, and Lee steals the movie as the renegade Jedi Dooku. He's a national treasure, just about the only actor who can make Lucas' terrible dialogue sound naturalistic. Obi-Wan's mystery story is far superior to the dreadful love-fest and his battle with Jango Fett is very well done.
The movie also looks fantastic, especially the night scenes on Tatooine and Obi-Wan's flight through the asteroid field above Geonosis; and the C3PO sub-plot is at least better than Jar Jar Binks stepping in the poo-doo. Lucas has the sense to keep the hated Gungan in the background.
The arena battle riffs on Gladiator and of course, the Yoda/Dooku duel is a gem. It's fun to finally see hoards of Jedi in action; like Phantom Menace the movie ends very well.
But god-damn it George, why didn't you make the first two movies about The Clone Wars, instead of leaving it to some Disney-clone animated feature?