Positively AWFUL, far worse than Phantom Menace

Rating: 3/10 (16 May 2002)

One of the most puzzling experiences I've ever had: when the credits came up at the end of the 12:05 AM showing of Episode II on opening night, the filled-to-capacity audience with whom I saw the film broke out in a huge ovation.
I can't for the life of me understand why.
Simply put, Episode II is a horrific movie. I mean awful. There is nary a single redeeming element to it. The CGI is obviously incredible and a sight to behold, but it is such a constant, dominant and overwhelming 'force' it literally began to blind me after a short time. Virtually nothing but the actors faces are real (I never thought I'd say that the made-up, surgically enhanced faces of Hollywood actors were the most realistic looking things in a film!) Special effects are great when they ENHANCE the visual movie experience, not when they replace it entirely. It's sort of like the off-Broadway theater piece Stomp, where several 'musicians' put on a concert using items like trash cans, sinks, etc. - anything but actual instruments. Initially, it's unbelievable, and you find yourself staring in shock at what these guys are able to do with common household items. But after about 20 minutes of cling-clanging, you find yourself praying they pull out a violin, or a piano, or a guitar, ANYTHING but another garbage can. Episode II is kinda the same way - the world is so computer generated, it simply blinds you.
The acting is absolutely atrocious. Everyone but Ewan McGregor (a fine, fine actor) and the two villains (Christopher Lee and Ian McDiarmid - thank goodness for the Brits) gives a bland to really bad performance. (Of course, with most of the characters being computer generated, that doesn't leave many other people.) Noteworthy for his particularly horrible acting is Hayden Christensen as Annakin Skywalker. This veteran of a lot of TV movies with the words "Love" and "Passion" in them couldn't even get the icky lovey-dovey scenes right (and there are an abundance of such nauseating, lean-on-the-shoulder-next-to-you-and-fall-asleep-while-waiting-for-the-ligh tsaber scenes in this flick), to say nothing of the wide range of feelings and the emotional 'journey' that the Darth Vader character expresses/goes through in this film. Christensen is at least consistent; he handles each scene equally poorly, looking more like a first year television acting student than the star of what will undoubtedly be the biggest grossing movie of all time. Much more so than the Phantom Menace, and even more of a focus than the action scenes, Attack of the Clones is a character-driven piece that focuses on the evolution of Annakin from Jedi to Darth Vader. You would think that if George Lucas chose to make that such a central theme he would've worked hard to ensure he cast a young actor capable of handling such a role. Why he chose to cast a pretty-boy with zero range is completely beyond me. Episode I came out around the same time as the Sixth Sense, the movie that catapulted young Haley Joel Osment's career, and for which he received universal acclaim for being such a highly skilled actor, despite his age. George Lucas, making the first installment in the biggest movie franchise in history, could've cast any kid in the world to play young Annakin, and he went with the decidedly mediocre Jake Lloyd. You'd have thought that he would've learned his lesson and made sure to cast the best possible actor this time around, especially in a movie in which the Vader role is so central. The fact that he chose to go with a flat pretty-boy shows he knows nothing about casting.
Oh, one more thing, this film is S-L-O-W. The battle scenes don't pick up until the latter third of the movie, until then the only thing to keep you awake is a painfully slow romantic development and a chase sequence in the beginning that goes on for about 45 minutes too long. The other primary focus of the first half of the movie is to drive into the audience's head, time and time again, over and over, the brewing "dark side" of Annakin Skywalker. Message to George: WE KNOW. We all saw the original trilogy. We all understand who Annakin is and what he will become. You don't have to have Christensen mysteriously "glowering" every couple of scenes, you don't have to repeatedly show him showing signs of selfishness, revenge and other non-Jedi traits, you don't have to show him breaking into fits of rage. WE KNOW. In Phantom Menace, the extent of the 'hinting' was that the Darth Vader music played once or twice when Annakin was on screen. This time, Lucas gives far less subtle 'hints' virtually every time Annakin appears on screen. It's overkill, it's unnecessary, it's annoying.
Overall, Clones is a terrible, terrible film. If you're a fan of light-saber action sequences, it's obviously well worth it. But if you wait until it comes out on DVD (yeah right), avoid the neck-cramp that will come from falling asleep on the chair and skip right through the first two thirds of this painfully bad film.
And please, if you find out what drug they put in the air that made everyone in the theater I saw it in hoot and holler, let me know what it is. Maybe we can package it and send it to Lucas so he can inject the next installment with a dose of energy and excitement.