This movie was still sucking ten minutes after it ended (or: Intergalactic Harlequin)

Rating: 3/10 (19 May 2002)

I have just returned from watching Attack of the Clones and, as I implied in my summary, I did not care for it.
Lord, I don't even know where to start. The plot was thin (one might even say nonexistent), the casting was almost all wrong, the action was not at all believable and the acting was sub-sub-par. The entire movie revolved around Anakin trying to suck face with Queen (excuse me, Senator) Amidala. And who can blame him? The one-time leader of Naboo spent the entire movie running around in outfits that prostitutes wouldn't be caught dead in. Oh, and as for Anakin Skywalker, he wore too much pink lipstick. Between Amidala's midriffs and Anakin's pouty pink lips, I kept thinking I was watching a Calvin Klein perfume commercial.
I like the original Star Wars movies, even Return of the Jedi. I was not overly thrilled with Episode I and I was hoping that Episode II would return us to the chemistry and story-telling that IV, V and VI had. Unfortunately, Episode II makes Episode I look like Masterpiece Theater. This film is bogged down with excessively sappy and contrived dialog, less than spectacular acting and every cliché they could cram into 142 minutes of movie. Any action movie requires the moviegoer to suspend a certain amount of disbelief but Attack of the Clones outright abuses our intelligence with unrealistic bunk. Not just in the action (which is baldly unbelievable in many places) but also in story development and plot devices (wait for the scene with Anakin's mother).
Basically, this movie had only two bright spots: they gave Ewan McGregor a beard and made him more believable as Obi-Wan Kenobi and Yoda actually does some fighting in this episode.
142 minutes. That's the length of this movie, but I will give you some advice. Skip the first 132 minutes, show up just in time to see Yoda do his Jackie Chan impersonation and then leave immediately to beat the crowd.
As far as I am concerned, George Lucas owes me 2 1/2 hours and eight bucks.
Here's a little treat for those of you who appreciated my attempts at humor in this review; Alternative Summaries:
"He had 25 years to make this movie, so why does it suck so bad?"
"Shh... if you're very quiet you can hear the sound of George Lucas laughing all the way to the bank."
"Apparently all they produce on the Lucas ranch these days is manure."
"Rent something more watchable, like Ishtar."
My rating: 3/10