And this is BETTER than Episode 1???

Rating: 1/10 (28 November 2002)

If that is true, boy, am I glad to have missed that one! Because irritate me beyond belief this movie did, to paraphrase what some people call ´the best character´ in the movie. Good grief, what an amazing snorefest! I had to poke myself in the eye to stay awake, and even that wasn´t always successful. Why do I think it is so bad? Please allow me to explain.
1. The Actors: Never have I seen such a clumsy bunch of wooden, nay, leaden, actors assembled in one movie. I couldn´t believe the way they deliver their incredibly stale dialogue. The only escapee is Christopher Lee, whose 60 or so years of experience enable him to wrestle free from...
2. The Director: This guy should never be allowed near a camera ever again. Period. He is so terribly unable to get any kind of performance from his actors, or to even keep a story going, that Ed Wood was the Steven Spielberg of his time in comparison.
3. The Story: Why the romance? Why? If you cannot get actors to perform with their heart on their sleeves... then don´t do romance! It falls so horribly flat that I don´t know where to begin to describe it. Very flat indeed.
4. The Final Attack: It wasn´t entirely clear to me who the titular clones were, but since there were droves and droves of the same fake CGI creatures for the last three weeks of the movie, I guess those were the Clones. And they fought. And they fought. And they fought. And they fought. And they fought. And they fought. And they fought. And they fought. Ad Infinitum.

5. The Finale: The most horrible part was the Fight in the Cave, with Christopher Lee and a talking potato named Yoda. Laughing I have been every minute. Way too long that scene was. Way too dark too, as flashing coloured light beams all are I seen have. Stop I must writing like this, because annoy myself I do. This scene was so inapt that I could not stop laughing. Sorry about that.
In short: BOOOOOORRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGG!
I have read that George Lucas does not listen to critics, or to his audience, for that matter, because Star Wars is his and he can do with it what he wants. That may be so, but he does not have to expect to get one more dime from me. He is not a movie director, he is the art director of a toy catalogue. What an incredible hoot!
It is a movie that is absolutely devoid of humour as well. The only jokes come from a robot, mind you, and therefore it does not have to surprise you that they sound totally automatic, as if there was a note in the script: ´please remember to let this character crack a joke every scene he is in´. What a pity that the jokes are the most crude attempts at being funny. My nephew (three years old) makes better and funnier jokes. Especially when he breaks wind.
Zero stars. For the life of me there is not a single moment that even remotely inspires. A kerbside quiche is more attractive to look at.