A shadow of its former self

Rating: 6/10 (19 May 2002)

I was there at the beginning and stayed until the admirable entry-point to the trio of prequels that would, we were assured, re-map the splendid beginnings of George's magnificent odyssey and usher in a whole new generation of fans who had only ever experienced the magic on VHS/BETA. No, I didn't much care for Star Wars "Re-dux" a couple of years ago at the cinema with the added bits for good measure. I mean, if it ain't broke, why unnecessarily lengthen and dissipate the narrative structural integrity with a plethora of CGI jiggery-pokery? For me, the original IS most definitely the best. Having said that, I was suitably impressed by "The Phantom Menace", a film which was chock-a-block with the aforementioned effects but which managed to develop the early incarnations of our heroes/villains suitably whilst effortlessly introducing some new faces and even throwing in some stunning set pieces (that remarkable pod-race sequence, for example) before slapping us across our drooping jaws with an intricate and splendidly edited three-way battle extravaganza at the finale. And of course...the critics disliked it as I believe did a sizeable majority of incredibly hard to please individuals. Poor ol' George must've really been scratching his head over that one. "What in God's name did I do wrong?", he might have said. "I set the whole shebang in perfect motion or so I thought. Sure, the effects got most of the headlines but scrape away the CGI and I also had a solid script, some thoughtful, low-key and otherwise performances from some splendid actors, some breath-taking locales, unparalleled action sequences in the traditional Star Wars stylee and the Mother and Father of all light-sabre battles with a particularly loathsome Sith Lord who prior to a late narrative tinker, I had pencilled in to last until the beginning of Episode III. I mean, what more do you people want!?!!" screams Curious George. O.K. folks, it appears that what George has done is pull his hair out in trying to bend and mould a once fresh-faced and truly original movie-franchise (if that's not a contradiction in terms), into a shameless hussy of a free-for-all in which everyone gets a bit of what they fancy. To hell with the original vision, here's Star Wars by the numbers with a dreadful, wise-cracking new version of once stolidly po-faced Obi-wan, a slew of cartoon-like chases and near-misses and improbable escapes. Throw in a ludicrous, "Gladiator"-style melee with terrible creature design and a newly transformed Senator Amidala into some kind of neolithic Wonder Woman and you're really only scraping the surface of what's gone very badly wrong. I'll admit that the story-line is reasonably well adhered-to in most places and the double bluff by the fantastic Count Dooku (take a bow, Sir Christopher) will leave most people guessing till the end, but by the half way stage, no amount of shots of the supremely cool, but criminally underused Jango Fett can sway one back to full consciousness after more than an hour of a tepid romantic tale not at all suffused by a rousing finale which instead is just a large mess of flashing lights and a painfully obvious, heavily unlife-like series of skirmishes which leaves a rather unsatisfied taste in the mouth as the strains of John Williams build to the end titles. "What did I just watch?", I heard someone say, "Was that Star Wars?" piped another. "My bleedin' eyes hurt", moans a third. All I can add to the growing list of unsatisfied customer-speak, is why reduce one of the most famous and well-written characters to the lowly bowels of bad stand-up with shamelessly ill-judged and un-funny puns. Poor ol' Anthony Daniels must be secretly crying into his cocoa. R.I.P C-3PO. I remember when real humour and many an uproarious punchline was exacted from your uppity, cantankerous and uniquely blinkered view of the universe and not from a junior script-writer's lazy scribblings on a matchbox on the subway to one of George's crisis meetings. Ah, what the hell, bar Lee, Jango Fett and a half-way decent performance by that Danish bloke wot played Annakin, "Attack of the Clones" was little short of a complete disaster. Please, George, I beg you, recant, shut yourself away in a little room with some pencils and a notepad and start re-writing the third and mercifully, final instalment. Don't listen to no-one, my amply-jowlled friend, and throw your work out there into the big, wide world letting those would-be directors and screenwriters amongst us peck at the pieces and take it or leave it. After all, you don't need the money at this stage, right. Right? And to think, your good buddy Mr. S. actually went and said that AOTC was better than "A New Hope".....the man's loosin' his cool. Fur reel, Dog. (Either that, or he felt you needed some serious consoling).