Attack of the Groans

Rating: Null/10 (25 February 2003)

I should warn you now that I'm spoiling a truckload of the plot. If you have already seen it, it won't matter. If you haven't, you shouldn't and it still won't matter. After we finished watching the movie, we adjourned to the next-door rib place for a late dinner. Waiting for our drinks, the wife looks at me straight in the eye and says those three little words: `That movie sucked!'
Pause with me a moment. She, of the faithful, who could never say anything bad about Star Wars. She, who has read and owns every single Star Wars book ever read, who still owns her R2-D2 nightshirt from when she was four and has it framed, no less. She, who kept her stiff upper lip even in the face of Episode 1, has lost hope that Star Wars can be saved. She apologized to me saying, `I appreciate you taking me!' That was when I realized that the dream was over, not only for she and I, but also for thousands of fans that are now hanging up the lightsabers.
The utter lack of chemistry is one of the most glaring problems with this movie. It was like watching sodium refusing to bond to chloride. At first they're making eyes, then it moves to small scenes where the blocking is non-existent but the words are suggesting something. Then they're back on Naboo and standing in front of a variety of spectacular scenery. Portman wears a variety of Britney Spears-like outfits throughout the exchange. I'm not complaining, but come on. Princess Leia in combat gear and wielding a pistol was sexier, and she wasn't even trying. The scene where Leia and Han end up kissing in the Falcon's maintenance hatch was a lot hotter than that fireside chat Annikin and Amidala had. He confesses his love like he was on the high school debate team. They're facing certain death at the end of the movie, and she gets as schmaltzy and wooden as he does. Guh.
That's not the only problem. Continuity errors are springing up between the movies and the stories that have been Lucas' cash crop. The novels by Timothy Zahn tell you that Darth Vader lost his hand after failing to recruit Luke Skywalker. The movies would have you believe that he lost his arm fighting Count Dooku. Which is it? This installment also makes a huge deal out of the fact that Jedi aren't supposed to love or marry. In the second Zahn series, Luke asks Mara Jade to marry him. They eventually do and have children. No one seems to have a problem with this, until now. Now, Jedi are supposed to live as loveless monks. Given the current state of affairs in the religious world, is forbidding the `clergy' of your faith from marriage really the best policy? How are Jedi born then? Do they all spring about through spontaneous combustion? If Leia also has the ability to become a Jedi, why is she married to Han Solo? The story doesn't stay true to the overall picture and is cannibalizing other stories in the process.
I also have a problem with the concept that less than twenty people are the controlling influence of the universe. The stories always revolve around the Skywalker clan and a handful of others and how they always manage to be at the center of universe-size conflict. To my knowledge, World War II wasn't fought single-handedly by FDR, Hitler and Churchill. Why does Lucas assume that his characters are the only ones to save the day? Zahn recognizes this to some extent and introduces new characters to us: Thrawn, Karrde, Jade and the Noghri to name a few. Lucas makes no move to do the same and this is another indication that his story-writing ability is running out of steam.
All in all I feel an enormous sense of betrayal, watching this and Episode 1. So much of my time, imagination and emotional energy have been invested in this just to have it fall flat. The wife and I half-jokingly discussed filing a class action suit against Lucasfilm for building our hopes up. Cinematography aside, fight scenes aside, this movie wasn't worth the $9 and two and a half hours I spent. Tragically, there are going to be hangers-on that help this crap perpetuate itself. The ones who say `Who cares? It's Star Wars!' By not coming out and saying `hey, we deserve better', Lucas won't be moved to improve his movies. The word is already out that he's going to add new scenes featuring Natalie Portman to Return of the Jedi so that the story makes more sense. That, in itself, is an admission of defeat. He could have also done himself a huge favor by bringing in some of the other contributing writers and having one or two eyeball the dialogue. I always thought Timothy Zahn had a great bead on the characters, their motivation, even how they talked with one another. Would it be so wrong to ask him for some help in sketching out the flow of the conversations? When he had the characters crack a joke, it got a smile or a chuckle out of me. That's a step in the right direction compared to this monstrosity.
Star Wars fans, you deserve better. Put the toys down and step away from the edge. Lucas is not interested in making great movies, he's interested in making money. He's got enough of mine as it is. Other people are interested in filling the public's need for science fiction stories and movies with interesting storylines and thoughtful dialogue. We are enough without the movies, we are interesting and worthy of entertainment that doesn't insult our intelligence. It's time to hit Lucas where it hurts the most: in his wallet.