Artificial

Rating: 4/10 (17 May 2002)

I wish I could say that Attack of the Clones satisfied the void I've felt after being disappointed three years ago with The Phantom Menace. But I can't. I left the theater contemplating if I even enjoyed it more than Episode I. As mediocre as Episode I was, I still left that movie feeling exhilarated after witnessing the best lightsaber battle ever. I was a bit distraught that Darth Maul had died, but in the short time he was there he kicked major ass. I had heard that the last 30 minutes of Episode II were intense and non-stop action. I kept waiting for it. Oh, there was action, but it barely raised my pulse. And why? Everybody else seemed to be enjoying themselves. When the movie ended everybody cheered. So why, why didn't I get that same enjoyment from the movie? I know why. It was a problem with Episode I and is even more apparent in this one. It's what the Star Wars franchise has become, and unfortunately there's no way around it. What am I referring to? Well, there was one word that kept popping into my mind the entire time while watching this movie: Artificial. This wasn't a movie I was watching, this was all one big special effect. Every scene and I mean EVERY scene just oozed computer trickery. No matter how simple a scene might've been, it was "touched up" by the folks at Industrial Light & Magic. But hey, this is ILM, the very best in the business right? It shouldn't be a problem. Oh, but it is. I don't understand why, if George Lucas owns ILM, and this is freakin' Star Wars (the reason ILM was created), why then do the special effect look so sub-par. Maybe one or two scenes were impressive, but it's hard to get "into" a movie when you can't believe what you're seeing on screen. Sure, the Star Wars franchise has always depended on special effects - there's no way around that. But in the original trilogy they were used to enhance the movie, they were not the movie itself. And that's what Star Wars has become. There's no heart anymore. There's nothing "real". It has become so artificial it's difficult to bond with the film. The entire time while watching this movie I was wondering if anything was filmed on location. Hell, I even would have taken sets. Sound stages. Anything that the actors could reach out and actually touch and interact with. But no. I'd say that 95% of this movie was filmed in front of a blue screen. And it shows. You can't blame the actor's for stale performances - it's hard to act when there's nothing there. Can it be just me? Am I the only one who can see just how fake everything looks? In many scenes it was as if real actors were just inserted into a CG movie (which is essentially what it is).
Ok, so the effects are a problem, what about the movie itself? Well, it's no where near as slow as Episode I was, but it did feel longer than it really was. This was supposed to be the love story of Anakin and Amidala. It was? I barely noticed. It was as if in one scene they are meeting each other for the first time in many years and in the next they are declaring their love for each other. Very little time was spent developing the love story, which is probably a good thing since what's there is extremely corny. George Lucas' dialogue is just plain awful. Talk about sap! Nobody talks like that, and if they do, they should be taken out back and shot. Please George, PLEASE, get somebody else to write the script for Episode III, and for the love of God take a break from directing and let somebody else take over.
So what about the scene that everybody is talking about? You know the one, Master Yoda kicking some ass. Well, that scene, I'm happy to say, doesn't disappoint. He may not show it, but that little green guy can move. There's nothing like watching Yoda put down his cane, open his Jedi robe, and bust out with his Lightsaber. Yes, I had a smile on my face. Yes everybody, including myself, cheered. But as great as that scene was, just as I was starting to get into it, it was over. It was nowhere near as climactic as the epic Darth Maul vs. QuiGon/Obi Wan battle at the end of Episode I. I wanted more. I wanted more Yoda. I wanted more from the movie itself. I wanted to experience the joy that I saw on the faces of the people around me. I wanted to enjoy this movie. But I just couldn't. God, I feel cursed with eyes which can't see past the effects. I wish I could be oblivious to these short comings, but I'm not. Maybe I know too much about how they're made. Maybe I expect miracles. I don't know. I'm pretty distraught at the moment. I left the theater last night p***ed off. Pissed off that I didn't like the movie. P***ed off at what this beloved series of mine has become. It's become something created on a computer. It's all just little ones and zeros, texture maps and artificial lighting, blue screens and post production. It has nothing to connect with at a personal, emotional level. No characters to bond with. I don't even see myself watching Episode III on opening day. I don't feel it's worthy of me standing in line for 2 hours. This franchise has to win me over again. It has to prove to me that it can find that special magic that made the original so special. Hopefully that "magic" wasn't just a child's awe. Hopefully it isn't just nostalgia that makes those movies enjoyable even today. Hopefully they'll get it right. God I hope so, 'cause there's only one movie left. One movie left to end on a high note. One left......and then it's over, and I'll be left with two great movies, one good one, and three that I wish were never made.........