George Lucas does it again - unfortunately

Rating: Null/10 (29 October 2002)

Star Wars Episode Two, Attack of the Clowns... I'm glad I saw it - and I'm sorry I paid for it. Hell, I'm sorry they didn't pay *me* to see it. At the end, my only comment was "thank God" (as in "thank God its *over*").
A few million dollars worth of special effects and computer generated characters (which were spectacular, by the way) could not disguise the stilted acting, choppy directing, p***-poor script, teen angst writ large, ridiculous premises providing the foundation for a hackneyed storyline, total predictability of denoument and reascension, and wimpy-cutesy casting. The original Star Wars was at some level a space epic and at others a space opera. Star Wars Attack of the Clowns was the Backstreet Boys in a 1965 amateur movie script with 2001 CG effects. At one point a drone sneaks up to Senator Padme's window (she used to be Queen Hairdoo), and in an assassination attempt, drills a hole in the window and inserts a couple of very poisonous centipede-like things. Why the hell didn't the drone just *SHOOT* her? And WHY does the drone return to the assassin, instead of just self destructing?
The first movie was saved by the acting skills of Alec Guinness, the fresh and optimistic presence of Carrie Fisher, Harrison Ford and Mark Hammill, the comic relief of R2D2 and C3PO, and oh yeah, a script and costumes stolen right from Akira Kurasowa's "Hidden Fortress". In Attack of the Clowns I half expected one Jedi to say "Sure is quiet in here", and the other to reply "Yeah, a little too quiet". Christopher Lee and Ian McDiarmid weren't bad, but Yoda limped like a crepitous old geezer and then fought like Bruce Lee, the monsters were ridiculous assemblages of teeth and spikes, Samuel Jackson sucked, Jimmy Smits sucked, Ewan MacGregor sucked, Hayden Christensen and Natalie Portman *really* sucked (and even when they sucked face, they sucked). C3PO delivered lines that would be appropriate for a Marvel Comic (his head is removed in a fight and is now near his body - he says "I'm beside myself" amidst the action of the battle), only Marvel would have rejected the lines. Oh, and Senator Padme has an insanely intricate hairdo and stunning outfit in each scene - James Bond just has a new suit, Padme is fully accessorized! And while I can suspend disbelief and allow for a jump to lightspeed, I have trouble accepting a character falling from a vehicle moving at 70mph, going "oof", and getting up again with hairdo and/or bones intact.
The movie's tagline is "A Jedi Shall Not Know Anger. Nor Hatred. Nor Love." Yeah, right, and I Shall Not Know How To Tie My Shoes.