Stupid Unbelievable Crap Kills Sequel

Rating: 2/10 (1 July 2002)

Let me say this as a springboard for the rest of this review: I still don't buy the Annakin becomes Vader story. Lucas stated that these two persons were distinct individuals, not the same person, way back in the summer of 1977. Watch A New Hope and listen to Ben talk about Vader and Luke's Father and you'll hear it. Yoda also speaks of two different people in Empire. I choose to believe them. So what happened? Lucas changed his story after Empire to please the fans, and all the myth building went into the toilet. That brings us to the latest episode from Lucas. In 1977 and again in 1980, Lucas made two films that sucked me into their world and took me for an incredible ride. It was a ride I was glad to go on many times. Clones sucked also, but in a completely different way. I don't know whether it was the sucky dialogue, the bad acting or the lousy story that turned me off within five minutes. I was not involved at all in the film. I was so tempted to speak back at the screen a dozen times or more, but my wife kept pinching me just as those moments happened. I slipped once, when Annakin asked Sen. Armadillo, `Are you suffering like I am?' I screamed, `Yes, we are.' This brought cheers from the audience. The audience, by the way, sat in stunned silence as the suckieness unfolded. Everything was wrong with this film. Only Christopher Lee and Obi-Wan brought any class to this dreck. It just plain sucked, in more ways than I have room here to relate. Take away all the razzle dazzle creatures and effects and the costumes and the sets and nothing is left but an empty, boring shell with nothing to say. For instance, when Obi-wan just walks into the HQ of the cloning world, the clone masters take him and show him everything. They don't ask for any kind of ID or proof that he's whom they were waiting for. They just assume that he's a Jedi and he's here for an inspection tour. The old Lucas would have shown the audience how the character would have bluffed his way through, ala Han Solo. The new Lucas blows any opportunity to create suspense at all. Even the fight with Jimbo Billy Bob Fett at the complex didn't raise any kind of alarm among the cloners. I guess they just never look out their windows, nor do they turn their communications gear on to hear Jethro Fett tell them that this Jedi was a spy. Nope, they don't do any of that, and the clone shipment goes ahead without a hitch. Stupid writing, even stupider plotting, sink this sucky excuse for a film in ten minutes. It was not compelling in any way, despite the effects. In fact, as I watched, I kept thinking that the effects were being wasted worse than putting curtains on a camel. As impressive as Star Wars and Empire were in their time, Clones is repulsive. I think the audience agrees with me, as the last time I looked, Clones was sinking fast at the box-office. I've said enough. I'll go back now and watch Spiderman, a far superior film.