Like smoking a joint dipped in embalming fluid

Rating: Null/10 (2 July 2002)

CONTAINS SPOILERS
Here's a little experiment that you can try at home -- repeatedly hit yourself in the head with a hammer for 30 min, and you'll begin to experience, a)the state of mind that the two main characters seem to be in during the movie; b)the state of mind you'll be in after seeing it; and c)the state of mind needed to enjoy this cinematic atrocity.
For real though -- this movie is terrible, bad as in Spielberg Bad. What is good about it? Nothing. What is tediously, sometimes hilariously awful about it? Everything. This movie now ranks alongside Jurassic Park 2 and 1492: Conquest of Paradise as one of the worst films I have ever seen in a movie theater. You may want to see it twice just to make sure it's really happening.
I kept asking myself 'Why?' during the course of the movie, as in 'Why is any of this happening?', or 'Why do I care?', or 'Why don't I demand my money back?' Why does Obi Wan not notice Fett's armor and jetpack (apparently) when they're right out in the open? Why does Fett just decide after rappin' with Obi Wan to close the very open door? What is the point of that scene? Why is there the scene with C-3PO? Why do we get to see this, and why would we want to? None of these scenes have any importance!!!!
The dialogue is right up there with Feeders, and the delivery is straight out of Lifeforce. The whole "die a little every day" speech is supposed to be romantic? Sure, when I like a girl, I always think about killing myself, or how it's so like dying. Turns her on too. They're not supposed to be together, so they very wisely decide to spend their time near fireplaces with mood music and revealing attire. Sounds foolproof to me.
I feel bad for Hayden. He fluctuates between rampant underacting and rampant overacting, with a little 'acting' in between ('Obi Wan is like a dad to me...but I hate him...but he's like a dad...but I hate him' -- for TWO HOURS). Which is SO much better than Natalie Portman, who Quaaluded out before every scene, spoke her lines, and then 'got tired' and had to lay down. Ewan McGregor -- well, he's the best actor here, but who does he have for screen partners? If you said 'not-real humans', you win! Is that bad when the best acting is done with a blue screen as a partner?
Oh yeah, we also get Christopher Lee (who looks like he just wanted his paycheck), Samuel L. Jackson (same), and , glory of glories, Jimmy Smitts as some foppish renaissance fair reject who looks about as out of place as, well, the whole '50's diner scene. In a galaxy far, far away, you will eat at Johnny Rockets ALL THE TIME!!
How can you tell what the subject of any of Yoda's sentances is? Who is he talking to, and what does he mean? I know for sure I would have gotten killed during that 'battle' just trying to understand his gibberish -- 'at the nearest ship must shoot you', 'uh...okay, who now?' BOOM! BTW all those war machines looked really, really bad. I would have killed myself out of shame if I was driving one of those big loop-wheel dealies, driven myself straight off a cliff -- apparently where all the missing plot structure, acting, and character development went as well.
Alright that's enough. To sum it all up, reference the arena scene where Natalie is riding the hairy beast, and Hayden is shooting out of the chariot. It's all CGI, all stupid, and it's completely uninvolving. It's just another wham-bam CGI 'action' scene that gets thrown after another in order to make a 'movie', replacing plot and acting, cause who needs that crap anyhow? I can't understand how anyone actually likes this film, except for that, because its SOOO BAD, Star Wars fans can't accept that Lucas would lay this raw bloody tripe out for them (because he's 'The Master' -- ooooh! He might want to see into getting that goiter taken care of), so they reverse their normal, human reaction to intense, fanatical love. Now that's a Jedi mind trick more frightening than anything in this piece of garbage. There's a reason this one lost so much money in the first two weeks.
I give it one screwdriver, because zero is somehow less demeaning.