What a piece of...

Rating: 1/10 (10 October 2003)

It is time to set things straight, and bring the true balance to the Force in the field of cinema -- Episodes I and II should forever be banned from being associated to the original triology. I don't care if they involve same characters with same names. I don't care if it is set in the same galaxy far, far away that same long time ago. These two movies have forever marred the legacy of Star Wars.
What a piece of junk this one was! This was worse that Episode II. Okay, I did have a bias going into the theaters -- not that of high expectation, but with a very LOW one. Alas, those trailers only got me excited about going to the theater with my friends and point out all the hilarious scenes that the previews provided; especially parts involving the absurd "love" story. Who wrote this crap? It was like an unhappy medium between the dialogues in "Sleepless in Seattle" and "Spawn". And what about direction on acting, or lack there of? Did George Lucas just let the actors say the line once and finish the rest of the scene in CG lab? Or did he intentionally direct them to speak in as boring fashion as possible?
Anakin Skywalker, of course, was not a flat character, oh no. He was waaaay too much of a drama queen. Look, this is someone who, although a teenager, grows up to be the most dark (literally), mysterious, fear-inspiring (and thus, undoubtly coolest) character in cinematic history. And here he is, 18 years old (or something like that), crying like a baby about not getting any from the former Queen Amidala and crying like a bitch about how Obiwan is holding him back. What a joke of a character! I already have less respect for Darth Vader because of what has been done in this movie. It's like seeing a "Before They Were Stars" video on Vader and poking fun at stupid stuff that he used to do before hitting the big time. Of course, in my universe, I'm still in denial that Episodes I and II are NOT part of the whole Star Wars saga.
And there are a WHOLE lot more complaints, but I trust that the sensible moviegoers who post these reviews have done enough bashing on this decrepit piece of turd already. But before I finish, I must share an Episode II opening night experience that my friend had.
The theater was packed with fans watching the movie (many with utter discontent and shock), it reached the part when Anakin was having a little fireside chat with Amidala, crying (like a baby) about love, how horny he is, etc. He says something like this: "That kiss that you should never have given me haunts me every night...(sob sob, whine whine)...I'm in AGONY!" And then a brilliantly witty man stands up from his seat in the theater and shouts out loud:
"So are WE!"