Everyone I Know Loved it. Needless to Say, I hated it.

Rating: 2/10 (17 May 2002)

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones was a hard movie to stomach for me. Some had dubbed it Lucas' return to form, his return to creating a movie with passion, adventure, and most importantly, a soul. I was looking forward to this. Even though I liked Episode I to a certain extent, it was nothing compared to the epics of storytelling that comprised the original Star Wars Trilogy. When you break it down, The Phantom Menace was nothing but the depiction of a group of people wandering around trying to find some replacement parts for their ship so a bunch of stuff could explode by the movie's third act. Even though it was wholly boring at some parts and seemed directionless, I accepted its flaws because it was Star Wars. I had a hard time doing the same for Clones.
If you want to see the movie from a purely technical standpoint, it's a marvel. The special effects are astonishing and for this reason alone, the movie warrants at least one viewing. The action scenes move quickly and are well directed for the most part, which isn't surprising, because at any given moment 96.5% of the images onscreen are computer generated. It must be easy to direct a movie in front of a blue screen. But I digress, I just found myself disinterested with most of the main plot. The love between Anakin and Padme...it was bizarre...like watching an illogical soap opera. You knew they would fall in love, but weren't sure how. After watching this, I don't think Lucas knows how it happened either. The romance is poor and detracts from other interesting plotlines in the movie. It was irritating to get caught up in the tension of Obi-Wan's discovery midway through the movie, only to have that tension shelved for a bit while the two lovebirds exchange poor dialogue. As I look back on the movie, I realize that I have little clue what it was actually about. Similar to Episode I, you're watching the unfolding of events that aren't interesting. Only this time, they're all computer-generated events shown through the eyes of blank-eyed robot actors. Thrill, as Obi-Wan cannot figure out a riddle that a child easily solves. Gasp, as Padme and Obi-Wan look at things and make allusions to boring events. Chuckle, as C-3PO and R2-D2 are milked for all they are worth, including the worst pun ever conceived in any medium! "Such a drag". I wanted to kill myself.
The movie just isn't interesting for the first two hours. Sure, there are sparce moments of cool action, but otherwise it's just a series of meaningless events. I never got the sense that a story was being told. It felt more like a history class of Jedi lore. While that may excite (and possibly arouse) some people, it felt just as boring as regular history class for me. The problem with these prequels are their lack of neccessity. Whereas the original trilogy was a compelling tale with definite story elements, these new movies seem like mindless backstory. If Obi-Wan had to sit in a library to discover a planet that may or may not have something to do with an assassination attempt on a Queen who is having relationship problems with the future father of Luke Skywalker, then that's great. JUST DON'T MAKE A MOVIE ABOUT IT.
Calling this movie "Attack of the Clones" is meaningless. Relating a title to an event that barely happens in the third act...kinda misleading. I recommend a change of title to "I Was A Teenage Sith Lord." Or even better: "Yoda's Rockin' Jedi-Palooza." It's accurate, and it describes the only segment of the movie worth watching: The last 45 minutes. I suggest seeing Spider-Man, then theatre-hopping to catch the tail end of this flick. You get the fireworks with none of the gummy crud. Seeing Jedi fight an entire army is thrilling. I just wish it had something to do with ANYTHING.
At least Jar Jar's barely in it. Thank God for that.