Attack of the Groans

Rating: Null/10 (24 May 2002)

I'm no Jedi warrior and I don't know the business end of a light saber, but I know a good movie when I see one. And as a self-proclaimed movie lover, I was unimpressed with the latest Lucasfest. Granted, he has his loyal followers, and Moonie-esque devotees, wearing the odd clothes, chanting and shaking their heads at us most unfortunate beings who just don't "get it." I've had my eyes glaze over more than once while someone explains the plot of "Attack of the Clones" to me with the enthusiasm of a five-year-old telling his first joke. After about 15 minutes, I have to make like Tommy Lee Jones in "The Fugitive" and say, "I don't care." It isn't the Warren Report, for chrissakes. You'd think they found the magic bullet.

Yes, it was better then "Phantom Menace." Yes, the special effects were awesome. But it didn't engage my sense of wonder, or even satisfy my sense of fun. It lumbered from one scene to the next, giving the audience exactly what they wanted, and nothing more. The actors were no more than plastic action figures that Lucas placed into position. If it weren't for the CG spaceships whizzing by in the background they all, with the exception of the great Christopher Lee, and at times Ewan McGregor, looked like they were acting in front of their bedroom mirrors. I had held out hope that Hayden Christensen would add something to the film that Jake Lloyd so annoyingly detracted. But his line readings along with the banal dialogue, were not much better than his pre-adolescent predecessor. The lovely Natalie Portman was passable but the dialogue was difficult to swallow. And the little amount of screen time devoted to Jar Jar Binks, was still too much. Admit it. He's a digital embarrassment.
There were some aspects of the movie that worked, however. The special effects were tremendous, and the "car" chase was extremely well done. The fight scenes were better than any video game. Christopher Lee had no problem with the ridiculous dialogue and his final scene with Yoda was a blast. I just wish the rest of the movie was as much fun as that little guy whooping ass.