Embarassing

Rating: 1/10 (14 January 2020)

After the Phantom Menace came out in 1999, George Lucas got some backlash so he decided to retaliate against humanity with Attack of the Clones. A truly horrid picture, Attack of the Clones has virtually nothing going for it outside of the amazing John Williams score, which is truly spectacular.
The main problem with the Phantom Menace is that the whole thing felt aimless; it was so hard to grasp any character or any story, so by the time it ends the viewer can't help but feel a wave of emptiness pass over them. In Attack of the Clones, the plot is a bit more coherent. It is still all over the place, but by the end of the film I think if I tried really hard I could maybe describe what happens.
Wisely, George Lucas decided to focus more on character this time around, which is a smart decision, but unfortunately George Lucas' dialogue is so inhuman and robotic that it is impossible to take anything seriously. This movie really does feel like it was written by a high schooler, which is odd because George Lucas' scripts back in the '70's were very well-structured.
The cinematography is just as robotic. Like Phantom Menace, the entire film is shot as plainly as possible. Gone are the gorgeous zooms and close-ups of Empire Strikes Back, and gone is the impressive set design of the original Star Wars. This film is bloated with so much CGI that has aged horribly. It is impossible to be invested because the entire thing looks like a Playstation 1 cutscene. At least the Phantom Menace had mostly practical sets. The actors actually looked like they were in a movie and not a videogame. Here, the only enjoyment I get out of the film is laughing at how bad everything looks.
This movie has interesting ideas. Anakin falling to the darkside could be dramatically exciting, and I like the idea of Count Dooku being a fallen Jedi who has lost faith in the Jedi council. That is an interesting way to parallel and foreshadow Anakin's eventual fall, but the film does not dwell on what could have been an interesting relationship. Instead, most of the film is filled with dull CGI fight sequences, or romance scenes which feel like something out of Tommy Wiseau's The Room.
Obi-Wan being a detective also could have been an interesting development, but again, the lousy presentation of the film makes it hard to take seriously. Ewan McGregor is great but he does not have much to interact with besides creepy CGI monsters and creepy children. I like the idea of the Jedi getting an army unexpectedly, and it could've been interesting to see how this weird group of space monks deal with being thrust into a war, but the movie doesn't focus on that. Yoda just shows up with the clones and everything is fine. How do the Jedi feel about this situation? I have no idea.
Much like the entire prequel trilogy, there are interesting ideas present, and the bones of a good story are there, but it is coated in so much CGI nonsense that I don't know how anyone can enjoy this. I understand wanting to love everything because it's Star Wars, but sometimes you have to draw the line somewhere. This was an embarrassment.