Attack of the clones is right.

Rating: 5/10 (16 May 2002)

There is one point in Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of The Clones, where Anakin Skywalker (Hayden Christensen) comments, "I've got a bad feeling about this." He couldn't have put it any better. It is this kind of exhausted dialogue that permeates the movie, worsened by the fact that almost all the human characters display almost no vigor, no drive, no purpose. For all its dazzling imagery, AOTC is surprisingly boring, until the last 40 minutes that is.
I've read several reviews claiming that the visual texture of the film along with the complexity of its plot make it the best of the series. Why? Is a science-fiction movie considered great because of its special effects? Hell no. No matter how good a movie looks, it is the characters that drive the story, otherwise we might as well just be watching video games. A good plot also matters, but if the characters cannot move it along at a pace which the audience finds acceptable, then it's dead in the water.
I will not attempt to explain the plot since it is basically a labyrithian (but not incomprehensible). Aside from a spectacular chase sequence, the first hour of the movie is as exciting as a fifth-grade history lesson. All the characters talk about what has happened, what is happening, and what might happen. That's it. Sure the transitions between dialogue show fantastic scenes, but what a waste. The visual energy quickly dissipates into boredom once the politicians start to speak (perhaps this is the only realistic thing in the movie).
Consider The Lord of The Rings: The Fellowship of The Ring. Sure it was three hours, and a lot of explanation was required for many moviegoers to understand what was unfolding. But every character had purpose, an identity. It was as if something truly great was at stake. In AOTC, the actors come and go. They recite, not embody. Their personalities are so similar that they themselves are clones in their own way. I guess I cannot really blame them since almost all of their scenes require them to be performed in front of blue screens.
The story is interesting, but told drearily. It is supposed to revolve around the romance between Senator Amidala (Natalie Portman - The Professional) and Anakin Skywalker. If you thought the first act was bad, the romance in the next is breathtakingly fake. I haven't seen a love story this yucky since Pearl Harbor. When Amidala tells Anakin, "I love you..." I just don't buy it. What did she see in him (other than a teenager whining all the time)? This is what a former Queen (with term limits apparently) finds attractive? And how could anybody fall for his flimsy lines?
Amidala: How you've grown! Anakin: You've grown too. Grown more beautiful.
Then they have a scene where she runs through the plains painfully reminiscent of The Sound of Music (which really made me laugh). He does a balancing act on an alien cow to impress her. And they end up in each others arms rolling on the grass.
Pardon me while I throw up.
Consider Spider-Man, where the relationship between Peter Parker and Mary Jane Watson really seems authentic. Peter doesn't need hokey lines to get with MJ. He shows his concern by encouraging her when she is down. By being their when she needs him (it probably helps that they were both a couple in real life). There is virtually no chemistry between Portman and Christensen to work with, that it's best just to look away.
I have a major problem with Hayden Christensen and Ewan McGregor (Moulin Rouge). They have disgraced their iconic characters. If you disagree, watch Episodes IV, V, and VI to see the presence of both Alec Guinness (as Obi-Wan Kenobi) and Darth Vader (voiced by James Earl Jones and brought to life by David Prowse). How these young versions will evolve into the later ones is a complete mystery to me. After seeing the movie ask yourself these questions: Ewan McGregor as Obi-Wan? Christensen as Darth Vader? McGregor seemed more Obi-like in Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace. His performance here is more annoying. Since when did Obi-Wan become a smart-ass? As for Christensen, all I saw was whine whine whine. I have to admit, he tries very hard, but he is wrong for the part. I can understand how the movie shows the causes for the beginning of Anakin's fall to the dark side. All the elements are there. But his rage, passion, and presence are underwhelming.
What truly amazed me is how the non-human characters have more depth than those that are human (not a good sign). R2-D2 (Kenny Baker) is still the cute reliable and ingenious little robot that we all love. C-3PO (Anthony Daniels) is still the arrogant chatterbox that he is. Yes Jar Jar Binks (Ahmed Best) is still annoying, but at least he has a personality (try describing the traits of the human characters). And Yoda (Frank Oz) is still the wise beloved icon that he is. I'm glad that they animated him through CGI. We are finally able to see him move, and in the film's climactic scenes, he becomes involved in an action sequence so unlikely, that is impossible not to smile at (even laugh at) upon seeing it. He nearly saves the movie.
The non-human characters are not the only things more lively than the human actors. I have to admit that I have never seen better special effects in any movie, than in AOTC. The visuals are jaw-droppingly rich, detailed, deep, and alive. The city-chase sequence, the planet where it never stops raining, an alien arena, and the clone war battle scenes will have audiences agape with awe. I especially liked a space-chase scene between Jango Fett (Temuera Morrison) and Obi-Wan through an asteroid field. I could not believe the quality of the asteroids, each having their own path and rotation. And the complexity of their collisions is magnificent.
Technically, AOTC is a breakthrough. It is probably the first film where an entire virtual world has been created with human actors inserted within (as opposed to the opposite which has been the prevailing trend). The effects flow seamlessly, but sad to say, that doesn't mean they look real. The more three-dimensional the effects become, the more unconvincing everything seems. The alien gladiator action has all the impact of a G.I.Joe cartoon. And a sequence involving Anakin and Amidala within an alien assembly line left me feeling empty. Yes, everything looked in order, but Anakin's movements looked too choreographed, when he's supposed to be avoiding danger.
The best episode of the Star Wars series was V: The Empire Strikes Back. Not only was it a visual wonder at the time. But its plot was completely unpredictable (what a shock it was to find out Darth Vader's secret!). But AOTC is most of the time predictable. Most of all, it has no life. Where is the charming arrogance of Han Solo? The determination and feistiness of Princess Leia? The innocence and hope inspired by Luke Skywalker? The calming wisdom of Ben Kenobi and Yoda? And the menacing force of Darth Vader? Where is the style? The flair? The joy? These are what made Star Wars the greatest space-opera ever made. Sure AOTC looks great, but like A. O. Scott (NYTimes) says, "So what?"