Is this the worst movie ever made?

Rating: Null/10 (31 May 2002)

Is this the worst film ever made? Spoiler warning. If you have not seen this film, please do not read on. I would hate to spoil this incredibly moving, heart-warming, inspirational film for anyone. "Attack of the Clones" is the latest class project from the inmates at the Lucasfilm Asylum. It follows on from the badly-received but commercially successful "Phantom Menace". That last movie was a hideous mess of tedious dialogue, endless scenes where people sat around talking, pointless action sequences crammed in for no other reason than to sell video-game spin-offs, and banal special effects. This new effort has been described by many as "darker" than the first. Certainly, many of the scenes do take place at night. It has also been described as "better" than the first. Certainly, the audience I saw it with seemed to be having a great time, laughing uproariously at all the hilarious hijinks. Causing particular amusement was the rib-tickling scene in which Anakin ("played" by some computer-generated imbecile, as far as I could tell) goes back to find his mother. He arrives just in time for her to say, "I love yuuuurrrrghhhh" and die in his arms. Brilliant! With tears of laughter rolling down my face I marvelled at the wondrous imagination at play in this amazing movie. What insight, what depth of feeling, what magnificent storytelling. He arrives. He finds her with no difficulty whatsoever. She, upon laying eyes on him for the first time in eleven years, does not say, "Where the **** have you been you selfish Jedi tw*t?" or words to that effect. She does not ask him why he did not try to rescue her eleven years ago. He, in turn, does not question why anyone would pay money for someone to be a slave and then let her die (of what? Boredom, probably). It is very convenient he arrived when he did, though. A minute later and she would have already been dead, and he would not know whether or not she loved hiurhhhhhggghhhh. Meanwhile, young Anakin is falling in love with a woman he last met when he was a little boy. He has aged eleven years. She has only aged three. Do not ask questions. Questions disrupt the balance of the force. They fall in love. She is a beautiful Queen/Princess/Senator. She has no other admirers. Who can explain this? Do not ask questions.
They frolic in the fields. They play with computer generated animals. Oh, what fun. People in the audience are looking at their watches. The green EXIT signs glow invitingly. Meanwhile, Obi Wan is somewhere in the middle of nowhere, checking out a clone army that someone is creating. Who is creating it? I neither know, nor care. I could not, in fact, care less. I care more about Kylie's love life, The Beckhams' new baby and Anthea Turner's career than I care about any of the events in this movie. There is a fight with some guy who I suppose is Boba Fett's dad. Wow. There is an asteroid belt. Time for some meetings to discuss stuff, I think. Now, while they're having a meeting, let's think about all this for a moment. You are a financially independent film director. You have millions of dollars at your disposal. You have great actors queuing up to be in your films. What do you do? Well, if you had any sense you would hire superb writers to turn your ideas into great scripts, full of wit and imagination and action and adventure. You would use your great actors' strengths and make sure the audience had a great time. Unfortunately, the rules at the Lucasfilm Asylum state that no-one but Mr Lucas is allowed to direct, and he has to write the darn thing as well (though he had help on this one. Which somehow makes it even worse to contemplate: TWO people wrote this? And neither one of them saw how dismal it was? How can this be possible?). Anyway, back to the action. A gladiator scene which makes no sense and is incredibly dull. Why is it happening? Who cares? Not me. Is that the time? Our heroes are rescued by clones. They fight droids in a depressingly "Phantom Mencace"-esque finale which has all the narrative excitement of a dead dog. Yoda turns up. The audience wakes up. This, we think, is more like it. Yoda fights Christopher Lee. Christopher Lee exits in a space ship. Yawn.
The End. This is officially the worst film I have ever seen. I love "Star Wars", by the way. Which is why this appalling, depressing, insulting spectacle is such a disgrace and a disappointment. I never want to see it again. I can't wait for Episode III. Can you?