Send In the Clones, There ought to be clones

Rating: 1/10 (28 February 2012)

And the De-Boned Hams. I'll just have to re-create it what I said before about this horrid moovie.
I seem to be having difficulty in posting a review of THIS ONE FILM. All of my other very few negative reviews always got posted practically immediately. I don't see what I'm saying that could possibly be any worse than any other bad review of this film that I've seen on this site, so I'm EXPECTING this to go through. Not to mention I've ripped some other movies similar belly buttons and they got posted within half a day. So I'm directing this to whoever is deleting my reviews: if this fails to get posted, it must mean that Lucasfilm has some heavy duty influence over people speaking the truth over their films.
This 2nd of the "First Trilogy" which is actually the 2nd trilogy, or my uncle's sister's mom's cousin's prom dress on a pig, tried to mirror "The Empire Strikes Back" And it FAILS on so many levels that I cannot count them. It's - Eh, Galactic in its failure.
Let's look at it like this: This is about Anakin and Princess "Amygdalin", right? Well - In Epidose I, Anakin was a whiny, bratty little punk (I think his very forgettable name was Jake Lloyd). He was more interested in "Fast Cars" than Chicks. Princess, er, I mean QUEEN Armadillo (The Usually good actress Natalie Portman who was miscast and misdirected in these films), was a beautiful young woman (Disguised as a Scullery Maid) about 25 years old it looked.
So - Just from the aspect of what we had seen before in Ep I the two were not even attracted to each other, she not to him and he certainly not to her! So - It's 15? Years later and Anakin (Now the "grown" up and in this film, spiritless actor Hayden Christiensen) and Obi-Wan (Ewan McGregor) Suddenly "run into her" - In the entire galaxy, they just happen to run in to each other. And some lame assassin hired by D'Jango Rhine-Fett (Jango Fett played by Australian? Actor Temuera Morrison) (Eh? Why didn't he do it himself?) fails to kill her, so they set these 18 year old, raging hormones, KID to Protect her.
This is just the Beginning of the confusion, the plot holes, and the unnecessary CGI and Characters.
Well, of COURSE he may be interested in her now, but I guarantee ya he wasn't thinking about it until he sees her. Lucas makes us try to suspend belief - and Fails. But that is the whole premise isn't it... They never show, Anakin as snotty 6 year old Kid, Pining away for Queen Armitage, did they? So we're s'posed to believe in this – RUSHED romance, to say the least? Anakin says something to the effect that he had been thinking of her the whole time, for 15 or 16 years. The end of Epi- dose I never reflects this and the beginning of Epi-dose II certainly does not. Nothing in either of the movies shows that the two have any attraction for each other. Even in the original Star Wars, there was an immediate spark between Hans Solo and Princess Liea, in episodes I and II there is NOTHING. Just Sudden Teenage Hormones.
That takes care of this, the "main plot" - But Lucasses "Multiplication Effect" is in full "force" here. He's already WRECKED our previous concepts of The Force by lamely trying to Explain it in Epi-dose I. The Mitochondria, or whatever they were called, MitoClorians? Are lil microscopic sleeping tablets that Lucas put into the Plot, to make us sleep for 2 hours or so? Some things work better as a Mystery, explaining them away takes away their importance AND our interest in them.
Obi-Wan needed to find a missing planet, so he meets up with some guy that looks like an Alien version of Norm from Cheers. Or, Morn from Deep Space 9, which was better in all ways than this tripe. He finds the planet of Big-Birds, and they have been making CLONES for some dead Jedi. Dracula (Christopher Lee) chops off Anakin's arm and runs off with the Death Star Plans. There are simply TOO MANY light sabers being wielded - in the original trilogy, their use was sparse, which made them Unique. There is NOTHING Unique about 50 Jedi dashing around with Light Sabers. Again - Lucas RUINS something cool he created in Star Wars.
Sorry Lucas I to like it, but ya can't like Poo, even if it is served up on a silver platter with all the CGI in the universe! There is no style, no substance, NO FLAVOUR - nothing to get excited about.
This film CERTAINLY does not mirror The Empire Strikes Back - Which was written by a HUGO-AWARD Winning Science Fiction Writer Leigh Brackett, and Directed by a professional Director.
Lucas is not cut out for directing. He had some good ideas that in COLLABORATIVE Effort became GOOD moovies - Willow - Raiders of the Lost Ark. Collaborations.
I want to end this by saying, I love moovies, for any Film Maker they get an easy "10" out of me: check my reviews, see for yourself. I am VERY forgiving and sometimes I'll go completely Against the grain to rate something high that was a dismal Box Office or Critical failure. If I enjoyed myself watching it, it's a 10. Avatar? 10, even though I thought Cameron stole the plot from a Hugo Award Winning Sci Fi story. Star Trek: Nemesis? "10" despite the old tired TNG crew. X-Men? 10. Star Wars- Episode IV? TEN. The Empire Strikes Back? Ten! Return of the Jedi? 10!
This trilogy? Z E R O.
I DID NOT enjoy one minute of this entire 2 and a half hour waste of my time.