Attack of the Clowns is more like it...

Rating: 3/10 (15 May 2002)

As an avid Stars Wars fan since I was first introduced to the franchise at age three, I, must sadly say, I was horribly disappointed once again in "Attack of the Clones". The anticipation was killing me... the trailers were impeccable. I consoled my deepest fears by telling myself... `It can't be worse than 'Phantom Menace' can it?' While scene to scene, `Clones' was much more visibly exciting than Phantom... there was no more substance. Some where between 1977 and 2002, Lucas forgot that in an epic story... THERE NEEDS TO BE A FREAKIN' STORY!!! I tried really hard to follow the muddy plot, but alas I was not successful. and I'm a David Lynch fan! Yes, this is as expected a visual masterpiece. The costumes and digital effects were spectacular, and so was the acting... spectacularly awful that is. Now... don't get me wrong... I don't expect Oscar winning performances from this epic sci-fi franchise (although LOTR: Fellowship of the Ring was acted astonishingly well), but Lucas's now obviously inferior performance as a director has lowered these actors' Oscar caliber talent to a mere line readings by 7th graders. By this, I would like to note I'm referring to your average 7th grader, not a Haley Joel or any prodigy of that sort.
The love story was trite, nothing even comparable to the sarcastic tension of Hans and Leia. And, while I muddled through two hours of George Lucas' masterbatory paint by numbers sets salt and peppered with glimpses of a plot... I tried to have faith that it was all worth it. Alas it wasn't.
Okay, don't get me wrong, Lucas did some things right, like limiting Jar Jar Binks screen time and lines to about 10 to 15 minutes total. And by the end of the film, Clones attacking and all, it was getting pretty good. Sadly though, I'm reminded of last summer's A.I., which, in my opinion, would have been one of the greatest films of all time, minus the last 20 minutes. `Clones' inversely would have been the worst film of all time, minus the last 20 minutes. By the time Lucas got it right, it was too late. Even then, I had to endure the painfully bad writing. Now, no one ever praised the caliber of a Star Wars script, but please. please. what was with C3PO's lines? From ironically comical they downward spiraled into horribly cheesy. It was painful. I honestly expected him next to blurt out, `Danger, Will Robinson!' Even the awe inspiring climax between the ultimate Jedi and his Paduin was too short to gratify what I had endured to get to that point.
Afterwards, I was consoled by another sci-fi `geek'. I had so many questions, he turned to me and said, `it's okay it will all be explained in Episode III. You must have faith.' Now, I'm losing faith in the force. I'm scared and angry. Angry, because between 1:30 and 3:40 a.m., I was suffering though 2 hours of crap for a 20 minute pay off, ; scared, because what if it isn't explained? What if III is even worse? I have more questions than answers at this point. (As another side note, I've been waiting for Chris Carter to reveal the `Truth' in the X-files since I was a freshman in high school and on Sunday I'm afraid he's going to leave me in the same state.) In 1999, I was asked about how I felt about `The Phantom Menace'... if it effected my love for Star Wars franchise. Even though it was not that great... I tried to find a way to love it. While still a Star Wars fan, I wonder why George Lucas is trying to change that... one horrid prequel at a time.