"Lost a Movie George Lucas has, how embarrassing!!!"

Rating: Null/10 (13 March 2003)

Existing among Star Wars non-apologists are subdivisions who realized at different moments that this film was beyond repair. For some, it was immediately, upon witnessing Padme Amidala's courageous bout with danger and learning that female planetary monarchs are subject to term limits! Another faction of viewers might take issue with Anakin Skywalker's evolution from a bratty little eight-year-old to a whining, spoiled teenager (as I'm sure Lucas intended all along). Nevertheless, few can contradict that the clear point of no return was Yoda, now reduced to a CGI. Decently portrayed in The Empire Strikes Back as a wise teacher, the little green guy here is everything and everywhere at once. First he presides over the Jedi Council (ok, I think the whole council thing has been played out about a thousand times over in science fiction). Next we see him teaching Jedi nursery school, going so far as having his pupils greet Ewan MacGregor with "Helll ohhhh Mass Terrrr Obeeeeee Wannnnn" as pronounced in younglingspeak. Later on, he appears as a George Patton-like General in the heat of battle, uttering what will surely be the century's most ridiculous line: "Around the survivors a perimeter create!!!" erasing any remaining doubt of Lucas's incompetence in writing dialogue. After such horrible silliness, the average cinema patron is not even phased by the so-called Jedi Master's swordfight, which is so fast that it looks like Kermit the Frog working late in a meth lab without a mask.