More entertaining than Phantom Menace, but worse as a film.

Rating: 3/10 (1 January 2016)

Yes, this is going to be another prequel-bashing review and yes, almost everyone has already seen this. I can't blame the people who like these films though. I did too, at first. The power of denial was so strong. And who am I to judge, because I actually like plenty of movies that are flawed to the bone marrow. But let's get into this.
Episode II showed me that Lucas really doesn't know what is great about Star Wars. It's baffling, and I can't get my head around it. It almost makes it seem like the original Star Wars in 1977 was mostly an accident, and that it was miraculously saved by convenient troubles in production and the power of editing.
"Attack of the clones" is not only a misleading title (because the movie is about a horribly forced love story and convoluted space politics), it's a space opera that doesn't know how to be a space opera. Excitement is replaced by shiny CGI lights, story is replaced by a bunch of contradictions and forced pathways to make A happen before we get to B, and characters are replaced by confused actors reading lines in front of a green screen.
Many people have said that Hayden Christensen is bad. Well, he is, but I can't blame him. A better actor could have made something better out of the material he had, but the stink of feces would still be all over said material and it would translate to the audience. Natalie Portman doesn't do well either, and these two "main characters" have zero chemistry together. Every scene they share is an abomination, and should be studied by everyone who is getting into film-making, writing or acting - as a preemptive measure.
Ewan McGregor and Christoper Lee on the other hand are alright, mainly because they can't make any movie worse. Whenever Christopher Lee is on the screen or these two share a scene, it's actually enjoyable to watch.
This movie has more action than Phantom Menace, which makes it slightly less boring. It's also even less coherent, but we weren't paying attention to the needlessly complicated and badly written space politics anyways (because thinking about it is highly dangerous to one's health). Yes, several questions are raised that are never ever answered, but at least we get tons of lightsabers. Weee! Sadly, the excitement is often butchered by the weightless nature of the scenes, but at least we can look at bright lights once in a while before we start to bleed out of our noses. Even if the wise, old and lovable master Yoda gets reduced to a lightsaber action man, which is a horrible thing, there were two short action pieces I actually liked and McGregor was involved in both of them. You know which ones I'm talking about.
John Williams' music is always great, no debate there. Props to the sound department too, this is a movie that caresses your ears, when people aren't reading their lines out loud. I have no more compliments.
This movie is about telling, not showing. What it tries so hard to tell us, it can't deliver. The love story doesn't work, at all. The politics are bad, convoluted fanfiction. Most of the action is weightless, and the story has no focus, no real natural dynamics. If there was a gold heart inside of this mess, I would forgive many of its shortcomings. I see no such heart.
I know I'm a bitter bastard. It's hard for me to see this movie as just its own thing, to let go of my grievances and try to enjoy the little good things it has to offer. It's hard, because I see all of it as one mess: not only the prequels themselves, but Lucas' brain farts concerning all the changes he made into the original trilogy to suit the prequels and his supposed "original vision" that keeps changing time and time again, and always for the worse. The shadow of this machinery is tainting so much of what I love. Gladly there are some HD fan edits of the original trilogy around, so they can still live in their former glory - at least for those of us who don't have the VHS tapes.
I don't know how to feel for the younger people who had their first Star Wars experiences from the prequels. On one hand I'm sad for them, because these movies could have been so much more, they could have been full of that movie magic I witnessed in the early '80s. On the other hand, they will not be bothered by the special editions of the original trilogy, because it will be all be new for them, and they won't have to turn into cynical bastards who complain about space movies on the internet. If you are one of those younger people, and you can enjoy even these prequels with a pure, childish heart, I envy you.
Oh, and The Force Awakens is out. It's simple, exciting and enjoyable as these movies should be, so the kids - as well as us old farts - can still see a Star Wars movie in a theater that actually has a heart and bits of that movie magic.