A 2-hour snooze fest.

Rating: 7/10 (26 February 2019)

Following my viewing of The Phantom Menace in 1999, I eagerly waited for the next installment of George Lucas's epic sci-fi series, Star Wars to be unleashed upon the world and in November of 2001, I got my first taste of what that would be when I saw a teaser trailer for the newest Star Wars film called Attack of The Clones and my excitement level went through the roof. With every new trailer that dropped over the next few months, my eagerness to see the movie grew to the point that it was all I talked about so in May of 2002, me, my parents and my brother went to go see Attack of The Clones and after the end credits rolled, I was gobsmacked by what I had just watched. Much like The Phantom Menace before it, I simply adored Attack of The Clones and I remember watching it many more times. However, as I grew older I began to hear that the film was even worse than The Phantom Menace and I was taken aback as I loved the movie for what it was and had seen nothing wrong with it apart from it's long-winded run time but upon rewatching Attack of The Clones in preparation for seeing Episode 9 later this year, I found it to be a tedious and boring film when it came to the story, running time, dialog and the characters while I was entertained by the action, musical score and some of the acting.
The film opens with Senator Padme Amidala arriving on Coruscant to vote on a motion that will create an army to aid the Jedi in a war against the Separatists but upon her arrival, she narrowly escapes an assassination attempt on her life. She is then placed under the protection of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi and his 19-year-old apprentice, Anakin Skywalker. Later that night, the two Jedi stop another assassination attempt on Padme's life. After chasing the assassin through the traffic and lower levels of Coruscant and arrest her, but before they can get any further information about her, she is killed by a figure in Mandalorian armor. The Jedi Council then instructs Ob-Wan to track down the bounty hunter while Anakin is to escort Padme back to Naboo and protect her. Kenobi first visits an old friend for information on the dart that was pulled out of the assassin. After trying to find the location of the planet called Kamino in the Jedi Archives fails, Ob-Wan then finds the planet himself. While there, he discovers that an army of clones that have been created for the Republic. Meanwhile, on Naboo, Anakin and Padme begin to develop strong feelings for each other even though with her being a senator and him being a Jedi, having a romantic relationship is forbidden. Now, Padme and Anakin must keep their love for each other hidden while the galaxy descends further into conflict.
Now some people may think it's acceptable to say that Attack of The Clones failed to reach its goal of improving on what The Phantom Menace was unable to do and that was to give the audience a great Star Wars film that wasn't going to bore them and that's pretty much what the movie did. Now given how George made such a mediocre and boring film with The Phantom Menace, one would think that he would have listened to the criticisms of the previous movie and made sure that Attack of The Clones wouldn't follow in the same footsteps. Boy was that not the case as for right when the movie opens, the viewer is bombarded with exposition about the Separatists, Count Dooku and how overwhelmed the Jedi are. Ok, how in the actual hell is an army going to help the Jedi deal with this problem, don't armies usually provide the opposite of what the Jedi do? From what I can tell, the Separatists aren't killing people or destroying things, they just want to leave the Republic because they see it as unfixable so why when is there a vote that will determine wether or not an army will fix the problem or having them aid the Jedi? And to add to that, are the Jedi saying that you either stay in the Republic or you die? What the hell kind of Jedi are these?! What are they protecting the Republic from? If Chancellor Palpatine didn't what the Republic to fall apart then maybe he should have set it up a lot better. What's even more moronic is the question Palpatine asks after that, will there be a war? A war over what?! Once again the Separatists aren't killing people or destroying things, they just want to leave the Republic.
Also, why in the hell does Padme still have a decoy?! She's not the queen of Naboo anymore so why is this needed and who in their right mind would want to even kill her?! So right when the film starts, we are never told why or who would do this. Even when Anakin escorts Padme back to Naboo, the two of them do nothing but go for walks, have a picnic on the grass and have dull conversations so I dare ask what is the point of Anakin protecting her if all they're going to do is talk about things that have no impact on the story at hand or did the whole assassination subplot just vanish?! Good God, George, how much more inept can you be here?! This is not rocket science, it's basic plotting and storytelling! It just shows me how moronic Lucas is here when it comes to the writing on Attack of The Clones. Rather than have a boring romance between the two leads, it would have worked a lot better if Anakin was actually protecting Padme and have both of them narrowly escape several assassination attempts and from that do they begin to fall in love with each other rather than just jettisoning both of them into this dull love story.
Another issue I have with Attack of The Clones is how poorly the romance between Anakin and Padme is handled. Now, I have no problem with a romantic subplot being in any film as long as the romance helps advance the story in some way such as in Titanic or Deadpool but how the love story in this movie is absolutely horrendous and there's really nothing to it here. George has taken what may have been an interesting romance between these two and made it boring as hell. Now, I'm well aware of those who have defended the relationship between Anakin and Padme and while that's understandable, I don't agree with these people as I feel that the romance in the movie lacks any sense of actual love or passion between our two heroes. Throughout the film, it's painfully obvious that both of them are completely wrong for each other while also trying to make a case for why they should be together, not to mention, none of this has to do with love. As for our two lovebirds, they're both dull as dishwater. Anakin has had 10 years to fantasize about Padme and to build up this image of her into something that isn't even tangible and he's infatuated with her as an embodiment of feminine excellence. With him wanting and caving women in his life, Anakin permits Padme to be that role in his mind which is understandable as she did show him love and concern after he left his mother so Anakin is used to seeing her as an elegant, matured and compassionate character. But the issue here is that his obsession for her doesn't go past that fantasy. He loves her simply because of the way she makes him feel, hell, he actually mentions to Obi-Wan earlier in the film that just being around her is stimulating but the actual Padme, what she embodies, her feelings on the galaxy, her hobbies, and interests, her feelings, ultimately don't mean anything to Anakin. He fumes at her effort to take charge of their situation while on Naboo by declaring that he is in charge of security which comes across as a bizarre and inept moment for Anakin and highlights how little he actually knows Padme. She is a former queen so she would know where the best places to hide are so through Anakin's petty whining, he reduces her to being a woman in jeopardy stereotype, chucking upon himself the role of protector rather than allowing her to accept him as that. This whole scene feels a bit snobbish and even a little sexist as Anakin assumes that he should be in charge rather than allow Padme to do what she needs to do.
Likewise, he largely doesn't care about anything Padme says about politics or social ideology. When Anakin blunts out his real feelings on the government and how it should function and Padme calls him out on it sounding like a dictatorship and he responds by saying that it works then fakes his way out of the situation with a laugh as if he was only teasing her. Yeah, not the kind of guy one would like to have a relationship with. Of course, I know that he isn't so why this tiny bit of negligence? Well, he isn't enquiring his obsession with Padme by either overlooking or bypassing anything that might intimidate his romantic version of her. So rather than trying to discuss with Padme openly and talk to her candidly in order to see if the two of them are even remotely well-suited for each other rather than change subjects when things get embarrassing. In Anakin's mind, Padme is someone to win over, to make him feel in control, to bury his own mind restrictions as a Jedi. She is the lotion for his bruised ego and a mother figure to claim his uneasiness and self-loathing, not a person that he actually loves. Sure, all of this is clear enough but the larger question that remains is why does someone as refined and intelligent as Padme Amidala fall in love with this whiny egomaniac? The simple answer is she doesn't really love him either. Given what we already know about her, Padme is a character who grew up being a queen and who strived to make the galaxy a better place and is a career-orientated person who values her job over her personal life but when Anakin comes into her life, he compels her to think about herself and sure, he does it in the most uncouth way possible with his eerie goggling and all his droning on about dreaming about her along with all his teenage melodrama garbage about the kiss that he forced out of her becoming a scar if she doesn't give him what he wants.
However, in the long run, he's telling her something she isn't used to hearing and compelling her to see herself as a sub