Not as good as Episode One, which was not good to begin with

Rating: 1/10 (28 May 2002)

I think `Star Wars Episode Two Attack of the Clones' is a curious movie. The majority of the film is quite awful, but there are scenes (or perhaps more accurately, moments in scenes) that make your heart leap. That is what makes this movie and its predecessor (The Phantom Menace) so sad. We are obviously looking at the work of a master craftsman. The problem is he's a terrible artist.
I think the blame for the failure of `Attack of the Clones' lies clearly on the shoulders of George Lucas. The acting is quite bad in this movie, but I have seen many of these actors in other films and they performed splendidly. Rather than believe that all of them just had a `bad day', I think we have to look at the screenplay and the direction- both of which are the responsibility of Mr. Lucas.
The screenplay. Let's start with the positive- the plot of the screenplay is sound. There may be holes in it, but this is a fantasy and I can excuse jumps of reason. What I cannot excuse is the jaw-dropping-ly incompetent dialogue. I can say without a trace of bravado that I was writing better dialogue in the fifth grade. (I'll have Mom pull the papers from the attic if you want evidence.) It seems completely incongruous that this is the same person who wrote the original `Star Wars' screenplay. If this were a project for a college class Lucas's teacher would be searching the internet to see at which cheat-site he bought the original screenplay.
It seems that the screenplay for `Attack of the Clones' is a direct response to criticism of the last film. `I'll cut down Jar-jar's screen-time and have the Jedi's use some modern slang. Oh yeah, and I'll throw in a few zingers for 3PO. That oughta lighten up the mood.' It is nice to see that Lucas is trying to accommodate his fans, it is just sad that he can not pull it off. There are countless examples but one will suffice. `You're not all-powerful Anny.' `Well I should be.' Waah! Instead of whining why couldn't he have said something more ominous like `Not yet' or `That time has not yet come' or even better- a penetrating glance as he considers the words, then a dark `No, of course not'. It does not take a genius to fix this screenplay, Lucas didn't need to call in Quentin Tarantino (not that he couldn't use the work). I think it's a fair guess to say that 50% of Star Wars fans that went to see the movie could have improved upon that script with a minimum of effort.
The direction. Again let's start with the positive. Star Wars has always excelled at battle and chase scenes. This picture is no different. The bar has been raised again on the fast-paced action scene- no one can touch Lucas there. And as for saber dueling, it is only surpassed by `The Phantom Menace'. Lucas uses CGI to good effect where it is best used- either in fast-paced scenes where details are obscured, or in dark scenes (night, rain, star-fields) where detail is unimportant.
The problem is that Lucas refuses to use CGI as a tool, but instead uses it as his medium. What looks real in space or on a rainy planet is clearly fake in the warm light of day. I can be fooled into believing how a spaceship orbits a planet, but I know damn well how light reflects off water or how a pig casts a shadow, or how clouds move in a desert. Perhaps someday CGI will be able to imitate life exactly, and we will never need to film a location. Perhaps if Mr. Lucas is lucky he will someday be able to replace even the human actors with digital creations spouting his wooden lines. However, that day has not yet come. If the director had taken some of his enormous CGI budget and used it to build a few more sets, and shoot a few REAL locations it would have helped both the actors and the audience to suspend disbelief. Again one example will suffice. In one of the romantic scenes the leads are in a field on a bright summer-like day. However, they are surrounded by these quite obviously fake pig-creatures. The pigs serve no real purpose in the scene (the interaction seen could easily have been written a different way) except to reinforce for the n-th time that this is a `foreign', `weird' place, not like Earth. (Really George? I think we've got that in the first four movies. Perhaps we do not need to be slapped in the face with this fact in EVERY scene.) The effect of forcing the pigs into the scene means that the whole thing has to be `CG'ed, and it looks completely fake. I was having a tough enough time believing the romance with the terrible dialogue. Do I really need to be further distracted for no reason? This is just a poor decision by a director more concerned with showcasing his animation staff then making a good film
This is why I am quite tired of hearing people gushing about the special effects in this and the last movie. Yes, some of the effects are unparalleled but some of them are really quite bad. And if people were honest they would admit that there are times when `muppets' look more real than computer-generated illusions. There is something to be said for the filming of actors interacting with real objects. I'll take Yoda in the swamp any day. At least there I can tell that the light falling on him is the light that exists and not the best guess of an illustrator.
All in all, I would say this movie is un-rateable. There are scenes that should not be missed by fans of cinema, and then there is the majority of the film- which had me literally gagging at points. My best advice would be to wait for the DVD release and rent it on the two-for-one night at your local video store. That way you're not losing any money and you can fast-forward through the drek. Never thought I'd say this but that's my plan for Episode Three when it comes out, because unless George Lucas signs on a new director (Spielberg anyone?) and a new dialogue writer it's not going to get any better.
One final point for all you folks spouting off about `target audiences'. I realize I was in the target for the first movies and now I am out of the target by 20 years for these movies. However, I can go back and watch the first three movies and honestly say that they still hold up after all these years. That is not true for many movies I liked when I was that same age. Episode One and Two will not stand the test of time. In 20 years when Mr. Lucas has departed these will scream out for a remake, something that will not be true of the older films. It's just a shame that such an excellent cast, and such an excellent vision was wasted because of the arrogance of one man. I guess it was his creation to destroy, too bad so may of us fell in love with it long ago, in a place that now seems far, far away.