A sloppy sack of bile

Rating: Null/10 (7 August 2003)

Warning: Potential Spoilers ahead.

First off, I have to say I'm not a Star Wars fan. I hated Episode 1; I was 12 when I saw it, and I guess I was just too old to appreciate the genius. *Sigh*
Anyway, the title for this dump says it all. Attack of the Clones. Bah. It's aptly named. It is an attack of clones; they cloned another crap Star Wars movie. The story: Anakin hits puberty late, or is actually a girl, and is PMSing-- I'm not sure. He has a fetish for killing...maybe he's Satan. No wait, he's Darth Vader. The Satan of Uber-shnerd sci-fi land, in a big plastic suit. Anyway, he doesn't become a walking, talking robot just yet. He has to save his girlfriend Padmé, lalala. Big light-saber. Buzzing. Severs robot limbs. Yawn. Anyway, then there's stuff about clones. Army of clones? Yes. Then Samuel L. Jackson-- how did he get in here? And why didn't he get nominated for an oscar-- Alec Guinness did. It's Racism, I tell you! And because this movie sucked. And because Samuel sucked.
The only thing worse than the garbage story, is the acting. Wow. The acting blew me away. It's soap-opera worthy. Emotionless, monotonous, expressionless. Ugh. It'll make you wince. The best acting by far comes from Yoda. I liked him better as a puppet though. He was just so much cooler. But he couldn't do kungfu as a puppet. Yes. You've probably heard. He jumps around, screaming, with a mini-light saber. The best scene by far. Just fast forward to this bit. Then don't watch the rest.
Anakin (Hayden Christensen) and Padmé (Natalie Portman) fit perfectly together, a cute couple of terrible actors. An unrivaled on-screen chemistry. This movie is fun to laugh at. One out of ten (0.5 for Yoda, and O.5 because I'm a good guy).